What would you do in this situation? (Full Version)

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lurch999 -> What would you do in this situation? (5/30/2010 7:13:52 PM)

Ma'am wanted me to post this because it is something that we've both talked about extensively of late. Just to give some background information, at the beginning of May i agreed not to buy anything without Her permission. In the middle of the month i had the second half of a dental procedure that i was stressing out over, as it was fairly invasive and involved at least 6 injections (lost count). i have some complicating health issues including dental phobia and a benign but non-trivial heart condition (PVCs) which make procedures such as this one even less fun than they are for normal people. As a result of this i freaked out and impulsively bought a video game. i did call Her first to clear it but She didn't pick up so i decided to buy it anyway; this was about ten minutes before the procedure. Afterwards on the way to Her place i told her i had bought a game, and was sorry about it. When i got to Her place it turned out that She was quite upset about it. She told me that i had to give Her my Xbox and the game as punishment (temporarily). i argued with Her a bit about this, i said because i didn't quite trust people with my things (i have been robbed before) but really i just didn't feel like giving up the console or the game. At that point she made me drive immediately home to get the xbox console. When i returned i told Her that i felt She had made an already bad day a lot worse, and that i was under the impression that today wasn't going to be an SM day anyway because i was having a medical procedure. Ma'am got extremely upset and started returning gifts i had bought Her and making me get all my stuff out of Her house. Although things were eventaully smoothed over, it's been on both our minds since then. My question: how would Dommes handle this? What would subs have done differently?



LadyPact -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (5/30/2010 7:22:36 PM)

Most likely, I would have released you.  From your other posts, you have a track record of disobedience and this incident really isn't anything but willful disobedience.  The purchase couldn't wait until she was available, so you bought it anyway knowing you were restricted on purchases?  Sorry, not happening in  My world.



lurch999 -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (5/30/2010 7:29:28 PM)


i was already on probation.
She told me if i were too impulsive and selfish to live up to my word and invest myself in this commitment, then She didn't want me around anymore. And since She accused me of trying to find ways keep my stupid xbox when She could have gotten Her own, She told Me to be sure to take back the gifts i had given Her.



MC4Misfit -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (5/30/2010 7:33:14 PM)

Okay, I'm a dom, not a domme, but I'd still like to jump in on this one.

I'm also noticing that you trust her to control you, but not your Xbox.  You consider the Xbox more important than yourself? 

Also, you willfully disobeyed and then you rejected punishment even when you admitted that you were wrong.  You are sending the message the Xbox matters more to you than she does.  Were I in that situation, I'd be quite happy to leave the sub/slave alone with their first love and go my own way.



WyldHrt -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (5/30/2010 7:34:10 PM)

quote:

at the beginning of May i agreed not to buy anything without Her permission.

quote:

She didn't pick up so i decided to buy it anyway

quote:

She told me that i had to give Her my Xbox and the game as punishment (temporarily)

quote:

i argued with Her a bit about this, i said because i didn't quite trust people with my things (i have been robbed before) but really i just didn't feel like giving up the console or the game

Here it is, without all the excuses. You bought something you knew you weren't supposed to, argued about the punishment for doing so, and lied to her.
Not good, and not something I would do to someone that I had agreed to obey.



leadership527 -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (5/30/2010 7:37:13 PM)

Direct disobedience is not permitted within my personal view of an M/s relationship. Accordingly, i would release Carol for this. My relationship, however, is not yours.



littlesarbonn -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (5/30/2010 9:08:45 PM)

In my opinion, your mistake was pretty evident in that you disobeyed by buying yourself a game. But to me, this seems to be speaking to something a little deeper than a particular incident, because you've already said a couple of things that cause me to start wondering. There's sometimes a tendency to put oneself into an owned relationship that is really owned in name only, and once things start to get "real" then you start to notice things not as they should be. Like the whole Xbox thing. If I was in an owned relationship where I was not allowed to buy something without permission, first I'd be overjoyed that I was with a woman who cared enough to put me into such a dynamic, but besides that, if I'm not supposed to buy anything without permission, I generally don't make excuses, like stress, to justify buying something I'm not allowed to. And then when the Xbox was supposed to be turned over for punishment, you balked, which then points at a whole bunch of other issues, including one of trust.

If it was me, I'd be thinking right now about how much I really want that relationship to work as designed. Right now, it's not a journey that looks like it's going to be traveling far and long without a little bit of work on your end first.

But that's just my opinon. What do I know about anything?



GraciousLady -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (5/30/2010 9:17:28 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: lurch999

Ma'am got extremely upset and started returning gifts i had bought Her and making me get all my stuff out of Her house. Although things were eventaully smoothed over, it's been on both our minds since then. My question: how would Dommes handle this? What would subs have done differently?


They sound like they are pretty much the same as far as temperment is concerned. It could be a good match. Not every person is like me and just wants a quiet sub and no drama.



marie2 -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (5/30/2010 9:24:19 PM)

I'm not a dominant. But gonna jump in here anyway.

Granted, you had an agreement with her in which she would have the authority over you, and you broke that agreement. But did you disobey just to disobey, or did you disobey this time (and other times) because there is a fundamental problem with the two of you sharing different values and/or being incompatible?

If I were in your shoes, that's what I would be asking myself.



DarkSteven -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (5/30/2010 9:40:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

quote:

at the beginning of May i agreed not to buy anything without Her permission.

quote:

She didn't pick up so i decided to buy it anyway

quote:

She told me that i had to give Her my Xbox and the game as punishment (temporarily)

quote:

i argued with Her a bit about this, i said because i didn't quite trust people with my things (i have been robbed before) but really i just didn't feel like giving up the console or the game

Here it is, without all the excuses. You bought something you knew you weren't supposed to, argued about the punishment for doing so, and lied to her.
Not good, and not something I would do to someone that I had agreed to obey.



Dunno what to add to what Wyld said., except that I question what is your drive to be a submissive.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (5/30/2010 9:43:39 PM)

Breaking probation would have earned you release in my world. I have to say that I wouldn't go off on someone the day of dental work, but that's another story.

The boggler: that you wouldn't trust her with your xbox! Srsly??

You have a lot to think about.



lurch999 -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (5/30/2010 9:53:24 PM)

i would like to thank everyone who posted for sharing their insight.



marie2 -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (5/30/2010 10:02:12 PM)



I'm curious, OP....

Has she ever tried to work with you on these trust issues? Did she have compassion for you and offer you support on the day that you were having this medical procedure that was stressing you out? Has she ever tried to give you constructive ways avoid compulsive spending ? Has she ever given you any kind of suggestions or comprehensive help to better deal with your fears, phobia and stresses?





lurch999 -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (5/30/2010 10:12:02 PM)

She wasn't too concerned about my having had a procedure after i upset Her.



DaddysInkedSlut -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (5/30/2010 10:28:57 PM)

OP I tend to be very compulsive when I am stressed out. I have had to own that. I have had to admit that to people in my life. Only when you do that you and anyone you bring into your life begin to deal with those underlying issues. It takes more than just an order to break a compulsion. It takes more than an order to break old habits. It takes redirection, support, and sometimes therapy.

Although you were wrong for buying the game, IMO she was wrong for not attempting to understand your compulsion and why it was/is there. IMO that is the issue not the spending itself.

Like you I have trust issues. Deep seeded trust issues. Somethings are easier to trust to people than other things. Again you need to be honest about those trust issues upfront, not only with your parnter but yourself. You have to be honest about what you can trust people with.

Any one that enters into my life has to deal with my trust issue, friends, family, doms, play partners on some level or another. The people who want to be in my life figure out a way to do so and keep our dynamics.

ETA: Even if I screwed up if my partner didnt show any concern for my well being after having a medical / denital procedure done I would personally reevaluate things in that relationship.




joether -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (5/30/2010 11:08:23 PM)

Unbelievable...

Except for DaddysInkedSlut, the rest of you need to get a life. Seriously!

Lurch, relationships do not get screwed up just because of one person. That is something a Domme once told me about relationships in D/s. Both people, she said, contribute to the problems, and both contribute to the solutions. The problem she said, is people redirect their emotions to something else, without taking ownership of the crap on their front lawn. She was a wise Domme. Not my Domme, but one I enjoyed being around.

Now, for you Lurch, going in to the dentist and your health being as it is, is not something to be at fault of. Facing a deep phobia head on, not because you want to, but, because you have to; is a feat of willpower. Not everyone can accomplish that, and most will make up excuses faster then a politician in scandal! Buying the game, when you werent suppose to, is your fault. THAT, you have to owe up to on your own. A wise Domme would understand that your morale broke under the pressure of your health and phobia. Shit happens, and Dommes, being female, often can lift and repair a spirit that's been thrashed on quite quickly. An unwise Domme, would think of petty rules and being selfish. That, is the Domme's mistake in the relationship.

Bottom line is, you both owe each other a sincere apology. Be both a man and a gentleman, and offer it up first. Stop by her place, apologize sincerely and be honestly. Then wish her a nice day and leave. If she takes that moment, and steps forward to apologize, accept. Accept and move on in life. If she asks about the next dentist trip, talk about it. She may even, *GASP*, offer to go as a cheerleader and coach to help you get through a tough operation. Another Domme friend of mine, once went with me to the doctor regarding an injury I had substain and was worried about it. The whole time, she was *gasp*, a woman and friend. She put her hand on my side and gave me a hug while I listened to the doctor. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, because, she was there.

A D/s relationship, is just like a regular vanilla relationship. It will have its ups and downs, but if you can find the will to apologize to the other, and the heart to forgive, you'll overcome great obsticles in life. Things like that, build trust over time.



SweetDommes -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (5/30/2010 11:20:50 PM)

I'm sorry, joe - but as he's already shown himself to be disobedient (please see his other thread where he admits to being annoying, has no clue about her personal preferences, etc.), and he admits that he was already on probation ... I agree with those who say that she should drop him like a hot potato.

Yeah, some consideration must be made about his health conditions, etc - but the fact that he disobeyed a direct order ... after already being on "probation" - he'd be out the door. Honestly, I probably wouldn't have waited this long - as far as I'm concerned, that's the 'dommes' biggest mistake. He's not a submissive as I understand the term - he's a bottom at best, and a manipulative terror at worst.



WyldHrt -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (5/30/2010 11:29:11 PM)

quote:

Except for DaddysInkedSlut, the rest of you need to get a life. Seriously!

The OP asked, "What would subs have done differently?", and I answered. Not sure what your issue is with that.




DaddysInkedSlut -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (5/30/2010 11:31:50 PM)

Fast reply

I haven't read any of the other posts by the OP. Nor would that honestly change my response to him. If someone has a complusion it isnt going to be resolved b/c of a simple order. The underlying issues need to be dealt with. The same goes with the trust issue.



WyldHrt -> RE: What would you do in this situation? (5/30/2010 11:36:40 PM)

DIS, if the trust issue you are referring to is the part where he said he didn't trust her with the Xbox, read it again. He told her that, but admits that he really just didn't feel like giving up the console or the game. 



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