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The pretenders and wannabe's - 6/8/2010 4:41:33 PM

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I'm not looking to denigrate anyone, i'm just curious about others stories of some of the pretenders and wannabe's they may have met, i don't mean the inexperienced who are starting their journey, they are the genuine ones.
I'm glad i've met the pretenders, it taught me more about what i needed.
There was one 'Dom' who thought the only way to introduce himself to me was by ordering me to be online at a certain time, that i would then have to prove myself worthy......hmmmm....i 'accidently' missed the deadline!

I also have been a part of the pretender and wannabe brigade, i thought i was a Mistress (for about 4 months), it wasn't hard to attract male subbies, my problem was that i tried to give them what they wanted! I did get a glimpse of what it's like to be dominant though, it was a buzz to be in control and to feel someone giving but the day came when i was really missing being on the receiving end.

I've met and played with men who thought that they were dominant because they wanted kink.......at times it kept my submission abated but what i did find was that i was having to pretend whereas when one meets a real Dom/Master, there is no pretense.
I'm sure others know what i mean, its a bit hard for me to explain.

Anyway, please don't think looking to critisize anyone, i'm more looking for the humourous side of it all.

RE: The pretenders and wannabe's - 6/8/2010 4:47:29 PM

zephyroftheNorth

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I've met Doms who were definately not what they claimed to be. The sad thing is that they believe they are what they claim.....or at least they have convinced themselves they are.

zeph

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RE: The pretenders and wannabe's - 6/8/2010 5:08:36 PM

DaddysInkedSlut

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I have meet a few that have convinced themselves that they are dominant when they are only assholes and abusers often time they dont realize the difference. I personally think it has to do with how they define being dominate and what it means to be a submissive.

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RE: The pretenders and wannabe's - 6/8/2010 5:59:51 PM

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I know exactly the ones your'e talking about!!!! What is also sad is that not only do they believe it, they blame the sub/slaves they may happen to meet, i met a Dom once who i'd been in contact with for about 6weeks, he'd told me that he'd had previous sub/slaves, 3 of them apparently had lasted for about 2 years (wonder if i should of asked for references from them...lol). We met and played, he'd given me specific instructions which i followed, everything sort of went well (i thought so at the time, learnt differently now) but although i thought he was real, i found i was'nt feeling the submission that i should of been, i put it down to at the time that it was just our first play session......we eventually had a disagreement a couple of weeks later, he blamed me and called me needy.
The next Dom i met, we were'nt matched as in we were looking for different qualities but he was still a Dom (i felt the submission! yay), he restored my faith, we had a great time, i think of him with affection and hope he has found his subby.

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RE: The pretenders and wannabe's - 6/8/2010 6:04:57 PM

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I'm lucky that i had'nt met an abuser, i feel worried for the subbies that have, especially if they are new and learning, i wonder if meeting those 'so called' Doms, how much damage they do mentally for the sub/slave.

Did you find that they hurt you at all? or were you experienced enough to know better and not be hurt?

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RE: The pretenders and wannabe's - 6/8/2010 6:13:17 PM

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By the way......the reason i started this post was because i mentioned in another discussion about pretend doms and someone said this to me in his post;

Is it the one that subs make up in their heads that no man can actually live up to?

That makes more sense.

I thought to myself...gee...i CAN'T (sarcasm intended) be the only one who has met the pretenders, anyway, i didnt bother replying to his post.

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RE: The pretenders and wannabe's - 6/8/2010 6:20:23 PM

DaddysInkedSlut

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fema,

I actually agree with the statment you quoted from another thread. Far to many submissives and slaves have this image of their "one" that no one can live up to. Although the said can be said for dom/mes as well.

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RE: The pretenders and wannabe's - 6/8/2010 6:33:38 PM

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This got me to thinking. In my opinion I "think" we can agree what an abuser is. That put aside, labeling someone as a "pretender" or "wannabe" is pretty broad. Yea, wankers become pretty obvious but I don't think that's what this thread is about (or is it?).

My point is, we all have our vision of what a Dom/me should be (just as they have a vision of what a sub/slave should be), and those visions aren't all going to be the same. What I consider to be a dominant quality may not appear true for another.

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RE: The pretenders and wannabe's - 6/8/2010 6:36:20 PM

DaddysInkedSlut

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quote:

ORIGINAL: girlygurl

In my opinion I "think" we can agree what an abuser is.

I disagree, I have found that even what MY defintion of abuse is is not always how others define abuse. I know the legal definition of abuse that isnt what we are talking about, at least not what I was talking about.

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RE: The pretenders and wannabe's - 6/8/2010 6:39:21 PM

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Maybe i took it the wrong way, i got the impression he was saying that subs saying that doms were pretenders were all disallusioned.

I just havn't met enough bdsm'ers in this world of ours yet!! maybe i should start looking at afew sub/slaves profiles.......

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RE: The pretenders and wannabe's - 6/8/2010 6:43:55 PM

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Its been my experience that just because someone cant master me, doesnt mean he cant master someone else. he may not be my definition of a dom, but mine is not the only one that counts. im sure im not exactly the definition of slave by many peoples standards... but it doesnt matter what many think... only what they man desiring to master me thinks. same with doms. my definition doesnt matter to the woman aching to be at his feet.

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RE: The pretenders and wannabe's - 6/8/2010 6:48:37 PM

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Dominant is a personality trait, like shyness, imo. Doesn't mean they're going to be good people. Just that they like being able to boss others around.

Some women like the ones who give orders off the bat, makes them feel as though they were 'forced' into it, that they aren't bad girls who are having sex willingly, but a good girl who had no choice. Does that make this kind of man a wannabe or a pretender? Not in my book.

Just makes him not compatible with me.

About the top/dominant or bottom/submissive thing; you don't have the option to choose top or bottom here. So people pick what appears to be the closest.

You know, when I met The Man, he hadn't ever been in a power relationship. Lots of experience as a rope top but never been in an admitted d/s relationship before. For that matter I'd never been in one either, or gotten the chance to be the rope bottom of my dreams. Does that make us pretenders or wannabes up until the day we met when we began our journey? I don't see us as that, I see us as people who knew what they needed but had prior to that point gotten involved in vanilla relationships and who tried not to force our partners into changing for us when we were the ones who had changed. And if we were fakes, then when did we become real? First meet, first play date, date of collaring? Damned if I know.

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RE: The pretenders and wannabe's - 6/8/2010 6:52:05 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddysInkedSlut

quote:

ORIGINAL: girlygurl

In my opinion I "think" we can agree what an abuser is.

I disagree, I have found that even what MY defintion of abuse is is not always how others define abuse. I know the legal definition of abuse that isnt what we are talking about, at least not what I was talking about.

Well apparently, I was referring to what *I* consider to be abuse, my bad. So, our abuse varies.

I looked up abuse... WOW! There are a lot of definitions as well as different types of abuse. Even internet bullying. Go figure.

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RE: The pretenders and wannabe's - 6/8/2010 6:55:23 PM

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http://www.minti.com/parenting-advice/5871/Ten-Signs-Of-Abuse/
One of the common lists.

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RE: The pretenders and wannabe's - 6/8/2010 7:18:41 PM

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Yeah Des, I'm going to kinda have to say that doesn't really apply here:

1. Does you partner physically strike at you or your children?

2. Does he/she threaten you or your children? Threatening to bring harm to your animal or personal belongings is a form of abuse as well.

3. Does he/she control who you can talk to, where you can go, or what you can where?

4. Does he/she control all the money?

5. Name calling and cursing are also forms of abuse.

6. Does he/she try to keep you from seeing family and friends?

7. Does he/she force you to be intimate even if you don't want to? Rape is still rape whether you are married, dating or strangers.

8. Does he/she try to control how much you or your children eat?

9. Is he/she overly jealous of everyone and everything? ie. computer, children, friends, family

10. Alcohol and drugs are can be forms of abuse if he/she uses them cronically, and becomes violent or abusive.

God I hope my partner physically strikes me, I sure find it hot when he cusses at me, I adore it when he controls me, I love it when he controls what I can wear (sic...the article has a misspelling there), it's definitely his option to be intimate or not......

I can't even think the majority of these apply to many of the relationships on the forum.

OP:

What is one person's abuse is another's dream. Which is why the word here is sometimes frowned upon. Additionally, calling someone fake, pretender or wannabe, usually equates to they weren't a good fit for me. That doesn't make then unreal, it makes them not a good fit for you. Thus the reactions to using those terms. You will find people on this site ranging from pretty close to vanilla to incredibly hardcore and everywhere in between. It's not our place to decide if they are "fake" or "abusive", it is our place to decide that for US.

That having been said, I do think there are many men on the other side that have no interest in a dynamic and just come here thinking subs must be easy. They're generally in for a disappointment (I would hope). I don't know if that makes them fake. I block them and move on.

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RE: The pretenders and wannabe's - 6/8/2010 7:21:43 PM

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Obviously consensual hitting is different then being angry because he gets cut off in traffic and comes in and blackens your eye.
But the hitting of children or elderly or handicapped or animals as well as the isolationism are pretty obvious signs.

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RE: The pretenders and wannabe's - 6/8/2010 7:23:08 PM

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Yeah I agree some of them are indicators there MAY be a problem. I just don't think overall the article fits on the whole.

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I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: The pretenders and wannabe's - 6/8/2010 7:24:45 PM

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No argument, it's just one of the common ten signs of abuse lists that people put out.

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RE: The pretenders and wannabe's - 6/8/2010 7:27:10 PM

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Yeah I know, but it illustrates the problem with the term on this site. The author would say quite a few of us are being abused, and I completely disagree.

I'm not nitpicking, just pointing out, we're all going to see different types of things as being abusive, with a few rare exceptions.

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I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: The pretenders and wannabe's - 6/8/2010 7:42:49 PM

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Laurell, you is my hero

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