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RE: Profiles - 6/9/2010 8:52:17 PM

DaddysInkedSlut

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quote:

I was talking about giving someone a chance to explain their perspective and circumstances. While many things can be pretty black and white, not everything is.

I have forgiven people who have struggled with things the past in such situations and I don't regret having done that. I realise that relationships take a lot of work and sometimes we have to forgive. Again, I put a lot of emphasis on the circumstances.

- LA

Lying is always black and white IMO. If someone lies to me I dont give a rats ass what their circumstances are or what their perspection was / is. T he fact of the matter is they lied.

There is no second chance there for me , espcesially in a new relationship where trust is already fragile. And frankly listening to someone whine and try to justify their lie would only piss me off more and its not really worth the time or effort to me.

ETA: That doesn't mean I wont eventually forgive but forgiveness doesn't mean they dont still have to deal with the consequences of their actions.

< Message edited by DaddysInkedSlut -- 6/9/2010 8:54:32 PM >

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RE: Profiles - 6/9/2010 9:00:47 PM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

That doesn't mean I wont eventually forgive but forgiveness doesn't mean they dont still have to deal with the consequences of their actions.

On this part I can agree. I can forgive and work through stuff, but there has to be plan of action to avoid the situation in the future.

Also, I'm more likely to try to work through these situations when I've been involved with someone longer, when there is more at stake to throw away.

But getting back to the OP, in terms of bold face lies, especially in the beginning, I would walk away. It is a danger sign.

- LA

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RE: Profiles - 6/10/2010 12:07:41 AM

myotherself

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I find profiles to be immensely important for giving a first impression. I don't respond to anyone whose profile shows their (or anyone else's) genitalia. If it's a long rant about fakes, wannabes and how they are thinking about leaving the site, then I pass on by. If the profile is empty, then experience tells me there may well be something going on there that I'm not going to like.

For example, I met a local guy not too long ago whose profile was bare. Turned out he was newly single and was looking for a quick shag, despite assuring me he wanted a relationship. BTW - he didn't get what he was looking for

Lying is an absolute no-no. I make it clear to people that I talk to that trust is the basis of any relationship. Lie about something important and that's it, I walk away. I met a guy from another site a month or two back who assured me he was single. We went for lunch, I thought he was nice...then he let me know he was actually married and wanted to use me as a crutch to limp away from his dying marriage. I walked away and didn't look back.

If I can't trust you to be honest right from the start, then I can't trust you full stop.

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RE: Profiles - 6/10/2010 12:18:12 AM

jbcurious

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

Thanks for your responses ladies

With regards to the second part of my question, I'm thinking in terms of something that, had the person been honest, would have made you say thanks but no thanks because it means you really aren't compatible.

This reminds me of the vanilla dating game of pretending to be something you're not in order to attract someone. Eventually the truth comes out and all you've done is waste time and really... Why would you want someone who wants something other then who you are?

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RE: Profiles - 6/10/2010 3:51:24 AM

FelineFae

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

Okay, folks this is a two-part question:

A) How much importance do you place on someone's profile when you are looking?
B) How upset would you be if it turned out that the person had lied about something that is very important to you ex: monogamy, Sadism, Masochism, vegtarian vs meateater

A) In seeking out people to talk to, a profile that would attract me would give an idea of the person's humor and general interest.

Personally, i don't care for the idea of everyone browsing my profile to know all of my interests, so i understand when people don't list such things that might be considered personal. Reading TMI in a profile can be as strong a turn off as too little, imho.

B) Lies cannot have a place in my life. And learning someone had been telling lies from the very beginning should let you know that person has problems, and isn't personally ready for a meaningful relationship.

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RE: Profiles - 6/10/2010 3:59:03 AM

zephyroftheNorth

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quote:

If my play partner lied to me about how he didn't want a monogomous relationship. The act of lying would cause me to step back , and the fact that I want a poly relationship would only make me step back even further

This is just too ironic, with my last relationship it was the exact opposite, I wanted monogamy, he didn't. Actually he doesn't want poly either, he is dedicated to screwing anyone even vaguely submissive.

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RE: Profiles - 6/10/2010 4:02:31 AM

Level

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1- a profile CAN be important, but I don't put much value in them.

2- I hate lying, deception, etc. But we all lie, too. That all depends on what the lie is, and the frequency. I guarenfuckingtee you, I don't put up with much, if I can't trust you, why would I want you around?

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RE: Profiles - 6/10/2010 4:04:48 AM

zephyroftheNorth

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CarrieO

quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

Okay, folks this is a two-part question:

A) How much importance do you place on someone's profile when you are looking?

It's a first impression....
How does he present himself? Does he use lots of "scene" talk but really say very little about himself? A profile matters...too a point.

B) How upset would you be if it turned out that the person had lied about something that is very important to you ex: monogamy, Sadism, Masochism, vegtarian vs meateater

Lying, imo, speaks to a person's character. I've a much better understanding of my goals and desires here and I expect a man to be as honest and upfront about his as I am about mine.

It doesn't always happen that way but I've got a much better bullshit detector thanks to some of the "winners" I come across.

I agree, I think you can tell a lot about a person's character by looking at their profile provided they have been honest. The trouble is with those who are very good at lying and can write a very good profile that seems to be honest and straight forward.

Me too. I believe that once one lie is told the chances are that person will do it again and everything they have said is called into question - hence my sig line.

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RE: Profiles - 6/10/2010 4:07:19 AM

zephyroftheNorth

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

I think your sig file pretty much sums it all up:

"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche"

Which is exactly why I chose it.

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RE: Profiles - 6/10/2010 4:08:39 AM

zephyroftheNorth

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I'm sorry I haven't responded to everyone, I promise to do so when I get home from work. Thank you to all who have written, I appreciate it.

zeph

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RE: Profiles - 6/10/2010 4:19:22 AM

Aneirin

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My profile is a truthful profile, everything in it is true, there are no lies or even enhancements it is just me and if a person is genuinely seeking what they are seeking, then why lie.

Of others I see and occaisionally read, I seek a logic in them and more about the person than the kink as it does strike me as some people come here to live a fantasy and that can be seen.

I am turned off by genitalia, fuzzy photos and obviously the airbrushed imagery common to magazine photos, for I can see them and they portray a faker.

I deal in truth therefore I expect the same of others.

Edited to add, I am realising my profile needs to be updated, and I am thinking on that, as my photographs are a few years old now and I am not as grey as I was.

< Message edited by Aneirin -- 6/10/2010 4:20:42 AM >

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RE: Profiles - 6/10/2010 5:07:36 AM

DesFIP

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I'd be taken aback if they didn't mention they were a vegetarian but that's different than saying they love steak when they haven't eaten meat in years. But yes, I believed what people wrote. If a guy said he was a sadist and then said in an email that he could adapt to my not being into pain, I knew we weren't compatible. If you need to inflict pain then you need it, so either he would try to push me past my limits or he would be frustrated by not being able to indulge himself in this manner. Neither of which is conducive to happiness.

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RE: Profiles - 6/10/2010 5:20:47 AM

CarrieO

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth
I agree, I think you can tell a lot about a person's character by looking at their profile provided they have been honest. The trouble is with those who are very good at lying and can write a very good profile that seems to be honest and straight forward.

Me too. I believe that once one lie is told the chances are that person will do it again and everything they have said is called into question - hence my sig line.

Yep...lying, after a while, even if it's a lie of ommission, becomes second nature for some folks. They may not even see it as a lie, which in my opinion is sad.

Life is just one big learning experience, ain't it?

BTW....I can appreciate your sig line as much as I'm sure a few others here can. It's a good one.

Edited to add......

I just read this statement from LA that I thought spoke to the idea of learning .

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
But getting back to the OP, in terms of bold face lies, especially in the beginning, I would walk away. It is a danger sign.

This made me think of a banquet where you have a mix of foods you like and foods you've never tried. The ones you like, you know the ingredients and how they will taste, giving allowances for subtle differences due to different cooks. You like the taste, texture, presentation and they're a reliable old friend available at every spread.

Then there are the foods you may have heard of but never tried. You can learn from the chef whether or not the dish is spicy, sour or sweet and what you might expect when you take your first (or second...or third) bite. However, no description will compare with actually tasting the food for yourself. You may even be allegeric to a certain ingredient that you were unaware of and won't discover until your throat starts to close up.

Sometimes, the lie isn't visable until you're waist deep in the muck. Then it's just a matter of lesson learned and moving on.

< Message edited by CarrieO -- 6/10/2010 5:45:50 AM >

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RE: Profiles - 6/10/2010 5:50:03 AM

barelynangel

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To me, profiles are a lot like the back or inside of the cover of the book that gives a VERY VERY brief synopsis of what the whole can entail. I don't look at a profile as a end all be all of what a person is -- not even close. To me, its my responsibility to make sure that all of the questions i need answered are clearly answered to my satisfaction. I don't assume based on a profile and many times i go through the profile and ask questions that will clarify and make clear what something on the profile means.

To me, profiles can include anything from a fantasy people have to outlining their thoughts or mindsets (which can change over time) to maybe listing things they may want or such. No, i really don't put much stock in profiles, but profiles do have the ability to indicate a non-wish to further find out about that person. But if their profile can draw me into contacting them or returning contact, i pretty much forget the profile and start getting into the person.

One thing i don't do is once i am in a relationship or forming one is suddenly cry foul because something comes up that is different or altered from the profile. I mean months down the road with meetings and offline communications, its a little hard to cry foul about a profile. To me, i would bear some of the responsibility because many times people don't always want to hear the truth rather they listen to what they want to hear and then blame the person for not being truthful.

Anyway, profiles i use just like i use the synopsis of a book, to draw me in, once i am in the book though, i don't refer to the synopsis to see if the synopsis mislead me.

As for lying on a profile, to me, it would have to be a straight up lie like -- i want monogamy, but off the profile he says no i want poly. Its hard on profiles because people are trying to sum up in a very little amount of time and space themselves. So i don't automatically cry lying if something is not clear.

Profiles are just concepts to draw people into learning about the person behind same. Once you have that contact and move onto offline and meeting, the profile is in the past.

angel

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