What do I want?

What do I want? (Full Version)

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BlackTigerDragon -> What do I want? (6/12/2010 4:42:09 AM)
Sometimes (and by that I mean extreamly rarely) someone, sometime a sub, will ask what I am 'into' and what my fetishes are. My question is: What do I do then? I can't answer the question. Why? Because I don't fucking know!! There is just nothing there! I only have ONE fetish: Actually GETTING a man at all let alone a sub! What do I do now?

gedienstig -> RE: What do I want? (6/12/2010 5:15:36 AM)
Well, what do you want in a man? Just say that and add the word fetish behind it. e.g. I have a serious intelligence-fetish, you know.

BlackTigerDragon -> RE: What do I want? (6/12/2010 5:21:19 AM)
I think I might have an intelligence fetish also.

LadyAngelika -> RE: What do I want? (6/12/2010 5:27:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlackTigerDragon What do I do now? Might I suggest that you figure out what you want in a man. I think that regardless of what side of the kneel you are on or even if non-kinky, you should know what it is you want out of a potential partner. That said, your answer doesn't have to be fetish or kink-based. It can be qualities you look for in one's personality. It is also my personal opinion that you can't lead a relationship if you don't have vision for it. So since you are asking for advice, I'd suggest you take some time and figure it out, either on your own or with the help of friends or books written for this purpose. I'll also invite you to peruse my journal and profile as I've written a lot about this and some stuff might inspire you, if not in content—I'm not sure how similar our goals/desires/proclivities are—then at least in form. - LA

MarcEsadrian -> RE: What do I want? (6/12/2010 7:47:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlackTigerDragon Sometimes (and by that I mean extreamly rarely) someone, sometime a sub, will ask what I am 'into' and what my fetishes are. My question is: What do I do then? I can't answer the question. Why? Because I don't fucking know! Certainly you must have some inkling why you list yourself as "dominant", right? Hopefully there's something there outside of lone relativity to your aversion for being submissive.

Level -> RE: What do I want? (6/12/2010 8:04:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlackTigerDragon Sometimes (and by that I mean extreamly rarely) someone, sometime a sub, will ask what I am 'into' and what my fetishes are. My question is: What do I do then? I can't answer the question. Why? Because I don't fucking know!! There is just nothing there! I only have ONE fetish: Actually GETTING a man at all let alone a sub! What do I do now? Create a trail of Sports Illustrateds, porn videos, and cheeseburgers from the street up into your house. When a man enters the house, slam the door shut. There's you a man. As Marc said, surely you have things about being dominant (if you indeed are) that you are aware of?

VaguelyCurious -> RE: What do I want? (6/12/2010 8:07:42 AM)
FR: So you're not sure yet; you're still figuring things out? What you do is pretty simple. You say: 'I'm not sure yet; I'm still figuring things out.'

gedienstig -> RE: What do I want? (6/12/2010 9:21:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlackTigerDragon I think I might have an intelligence fetish also. It was an example, since I know that's the standard answer for Domme's here, I want a man that's intelligent. Me personally, well, if you think about my baby it don't matter if you're dumb or bright...[;)]

lizi -> RE: What do I want? (6/12/2010 9:52:16 AM)
Yeah, I know the feeling. When I started here I was very frustrated because I didn't know which boxes to check off in my profile as far as interests go, didn't know what I was looking for, and certainly didn't know how to answer questions from others as to what I was into. So...I didn't tick off any kink interests in the profile and put down that I was new and settled in to see what I could learn. I read the forums voraciously, that helped a lot. I emailed with lots of different people and that helped me narrow things down further. I met some people and had real life experiences and that helped still more. I think self-knowledge in any area is something that you attain with both thinking and doing. Gradually I put together a picture of what things capture my interest and what things start my BS meter running. I do indentify with your feeling of frustration though, I felt very much like an imposter back then because i didn't have my laundry list of kink ready to hand out to people who asked. Even now, I don't have any fetishes or must have's but I do have general interests...overall, I'm very flexible. So mainly what I learned is what kind of basic relationship works for me and what kind of guidelines it should have...the activity stuff mutates depending on who my partner is and what he wants.

PeonForHer -> RE: What do I want? (6/12/2010 2:10:29 PM)
I'm with VaguelyCurious on this. You feel pretty clear that you're into dominating, but the rest is unclear. The key thing to do at this time is to make sure that you have the space and freedom to 'play' with whatever might pop into your mind. Neither you, nor others (particularly subs), should force it. What intrigues you? Just follow it and see where it goes. You'll pick up a host of ideas as you read through this site. Believe me, if another dominant says she's into an idea that you like the sound of, then the chances are high that there'll be subs who like that idea, too. Exploration time. Have fun!

PeonForHer -> RE: What do I want? (6/12/2010 2:22:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlackTigerDragon Actually GETTING a man at all let alone a sub! Ah - just thought of this. There's a major, massive psychological principle that bears stating and re-stating. This is, 'desires change along with the means of achieving them'. In other words, people's desires can disappear, or never really grow in the first place, because they so deep-down believe that their desires can't be achieved in reality. This site has dominants using it who, years before coming across it, didn't know that submissives existed. Their early fantasies of dominating got put into the back of cupboards to gather cobwebs for many, many years. It also has submissives using it who'd had vanilla relationship after vanilla relationship, having dumped their D/s fantasies years before because they didn't believe dominants existed. I'm one of those. Anyway, go back to having fun with that exploring. That's an order. [;)]

DommeKeliDallas -> RE: What do I want? (6/12/2010 2:46:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Level quote: ORIGINAL: BlackTigerDragon Sometimes (and by that I mean extreamly rarely) someone, sometime a sub, will ask what I am 'into' and what my fetishes are. My question is: What do I do then? I can't answer the question. Why? Because I don't fucking know!! There is just nothing there! I only have ONE fetish: Actually GETTING a man at all let alone a sub! What do I do now? Create a trail of Sports Illustrateds, porn videos, and cheeseburgers from the street up into your house. When a man enters the house, slam the door shut. There's you a man. As Marc said, surely you have things about being dominant (if you indeed are) that you are aware of? ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! ...and I was having a bad day...LOLOLOLOL! Thanks!

ReginaMirus -> RE: What do I want? (6/12/2010 2:54:25 PM)
The honest answer? It takes TIME to figure it all out. Seriously. Give yourself some time to get a feel for things that might intrigue you. Get to actual, REALTIME events, when you can. Just keep yourself open to possibility, try things out, and just give it a go. When you come across something that doesn't suit you, cross it off the list and move on. There's no crime in being new. And your tastes will evolve over time, so make allowance for that. And that's the cool thing about being the dominant, you completely have the perogative to change your mind whenever you want to suit your tastes. [:)] If you see something you like, pick it up and have a go at it. If it's not agreeable to you, then move on and find something else.

Level -> RE: What do I want? (6/12/2010 3:13:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DommeKeliDallas ...and I was having a bad day...LOLOLOLOL! Thanks! No problem, hope the day gets better [:D]

Glasgow -> RE: What do I want? (6/12/2010 9:12:31 PM)
Any one of these will do just fine: Money fetish, gift fetish, backrub fetish, cook me dinner fetish.

CarrieO -> RE: What do I want? (6/13/2010 7:21:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlackTigerDragon Sometimes (and by that I mean extreamly rarely) someone, sometime a sub, will ask what I am 'into' and what my fetishes are. My question is: What do I do then? I can't answer the question. Why? *Because I don't fucking know!! There is just nothing* there! I only have ONE fetish: Actually GETTING a man at all let alone a sub! What do I do now?** BlackTigerDragon, I honestly suggest you go back and read...then re-read...everything LadyAngelika and lizi said. LA was spot on about needing to have a vision in order to lead. Take the time to explore what it really is you not only want from a partner but what you have to offer that person. I'm in the same boat which is why I'm taking a break from looking for anything right now until I have a clearer picture of what I want and need. When you feel ready to begin again, take lizi's advice and admit you're still learning. Explore and decide what activites work for you and what you can do without. I don't know you or the circumstances that have led you to this point but I can relate to the question of what to do. Sometimes, that question really is one of "who am I in relation to....." which is even more difficult to admit and deal with. I do wish you the best in your journey...wherever it may take you.

bighappygoth39 -> RE: What do I want? (6/13/2010 7:43:24 AM)
I can definitely identify with your problem. At first, I only had a few ideas of what I might like to try, so on the site I was on at the time, I put on my profile that I was only looking for one off plays, so I could gain experience and find out what I did really want. Of course, I made sure I'd built up some sort of connection with people first before meeting them, and it did indeed help me a lot. When I'd decided I knew exactly what I wanted I then set out on my search for something long term. During gaining experience I did find that the things I thought I'd enjoy I usually did, but over time with my partner I have found that I have developed new tastes, but you definitely need to find out what you want, and I'm sure you'll find plenty of subs eager to let you practice on them... [;)]

MsDDom -> RE: What do I want? (6/14/2010 9:20:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CarrieO quote: ORIGINAL: BlackTigerDragon Sometimes (and by that I mean extreamly rarely) someone, sometime a sub, will ask what I am 'into' and what my fetishes are. My question is: What do I do then? I can't answer the question. Why? *Because I don't fucking know!! There is just nothing* there! I only have ONE fetish: Actually GETTING a man at all let alone a sub! What do I do now?** BlackTigerDragon, I honestly suggest you go back and read...then re-read...everything LadyAngelika and lizi said. LA was spot on about needing to have a vision in order to lead. Take the time to explore what it really is you not only want from a partner but what you have to offer that person. I'm in the same boat which is why I'm taking a break from looking for anything right now until I have a clearer picture of what I want and need. When you feel ready to begin again, take lizi's advice and admit you're still learning. Explore and decide what activites work for you and what you can do without. I don't know you or the circumstances that have led you to this point but I can relate to the question of what to do. Sometimes, that question really is one of "who am I in relation to....." which is even more difficult to admit and deal with. I do wish you the best in your journey...wherever it may take you. I concur with this advice...especially reading. I think many people, when starting out feel they must "jump in the deep end of the pool of bdsm"...not so. You will come to realize your wants, desires, and needs over time.

SthrnCom4t -> RE: What do I want? (6/14/2010 10:19:25 PM)
What I have found, is that many times it has more to do with the chemistry with a submissive, than the activity itself. For instance, I've seen CBT demonstrations and sat through a few classes over the years, but it was never something I felt compelled to mark on my kink list. When I ran into and spent time with a submissive who was really into this, it became great fun for me. So, it's ok to not be wed to a particular activity, per se. For me, its about his suffering, and/or his surrender. Those can happen under a variety of difference circumstances. I can inspire them physically or psychologically. However, that is just one tiny piece of our relationship. I have wanted different attributes from different people, in a variety of circumstance. Not unlike vanilla, some boys were being test-driven for their 'relationship' potential, and others were being enjoyed for their 'friends with benefits' talents. You might enjoy a submissive for any number of reasons. If you're new, finding someone who is mature emotionally, and who can 'create a safe space' mentally, for you to explore your budding Domina curiosities, is a great start. In reality, we all ONLY control ourselves. Our submissives CHOSE to open themselves up to us physically, emotionally and psychologically, and let us play in their head and with their bodies. Yes, it might just be ONE choice, after which they they are dependent upon us for their mobility, our judgment on whether we'll harm them.....even the very air they are breathing.........but they are still putting that trust in the Dominant out there. Think about the type of person you get along with best, and use that as a baseline. Find others who might want to explore (without expecting you to be an expert) mutual interests. Definitely re-read LA's advice. No harm being new....only in thinking you have to meet someone else's expectations. Be you, go at YOUR pace, and have a great time. Keep an open mind, be open to learning about yourself, and always act with integrity and compassion. (unless you are in Sadista mode....then it's all relative <WEG>) Good luck,

Plasticine -> RE: What do I want? (6/15/2010 4:45:18 AM)
quote: Might I suggest that you figure out what you want in a man. I think that regardless of what side of the kneel you are on or even if non-kinky, you should know what it is you want out of a potential partner. That said, your answer doesn't have to be fetish or kink-based. It can be qualities you look for in one's personality. A dominant knows what they want and "takes" it. I should think claiming a sub would be difficult if you don't feel in complete control of the decision. ED: I also am somewhat ambivalent about the particulars of fantasy. I find it much more satisfying to be satisfying the fantasies of the person letting me do such things to them. But that is my choice to make.

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