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beta slaves - 6/17/2010 2:42:25 AM

sleazybutterfly

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I am curious to hear the viewpoints of those that find themselves in the beta slave position.

I am honest it's not something I ever considered for myself before, I always had the alpha one in my mind as what I would be. (if anything, cause poly never was much in the forefront of my thoughts)

I have found myself in the position over the last two months where that would be the case. I am having to examine a lot of feelings, and work on where they are coming from.

I would be beta to a submissive wife, and of course Him at the head of the home. She isn't dominant by nature, so I am not really worried about that part. I think it's just more coming into a home where they are the loves of each others life..trying to see how I could fit into the picture.

I said to him the other day "So, she is the love of your life and I would be the slave of your life?". He said that described it perfectly. I am not sure how I reacted to that, a jumble of emotions probably.

I know that poly has a lot to offer...twice the love being one of them, but also twice the things to consider before going into it fully.

Any opinions, any help would be appreciated. I am just curious how others have dealt with this.

Thankfully..they aren't rushing me, so please don't think that.

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RE: beta slaves - 6/17/2010 3:00:18 AM

AQuietSimpleMan

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WOW I don't recognise you so apparently you are going to someone elses home, DAMNIT. But what you are describing is exactly what you would be if you joined my home.

Unless you are being told that you will be Beta, stop seeing yourself that way. I don't own numbers or letters I own slaves so in my mind there is little difference between my wife and another slave. Now there is responsibility so right up front there is an obvious difference but as time moves on you will see you are an equal part of the relationship and not a level.

I think if you are interested in both of them... Then GO FOR IT! Just don't let your own bullshit fuck up everything else. Also remember because you are going to be engaging in two simultaneous relationships it will take longer for you to get stable with the two of them because you have to do it with TWO PEOPLE.

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RE: beta slaves - 6/17/2010 3:10:12 AM

lally2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sleazybutterfly

I am curious to hear the viewpoints of those that find themselves in the beta slave position.

I am honest it's not something I ever considered for myself before, I always had the alpha one in my mind as what I would be. (if anything, cause poly never was much in the forefront of my thoughts)

I have found myself in the position over the last two months where that would be the case. I am having to examine a lot of feelings, and work on where they are coming from.

I would be beta to a submissive wife, and of course Him at the head of the home. She isn't dominant by nature, so I am not really worried about that part. I think it's just more coming into a home where they are the loves of each others life..trying to see how I could fit into the picture.

I said to him the other day "So, she is the love of your life and I would be the slave of your life?". He said that described it perfectly. I am not sure how I reacted to that, a jumble of emotions probably.

I know that poly has a lot to offer...twice the love being one of them, but also twice the things to consider before going into it fully.

Any opinions, any help would be appreciated. I am just curious how others have dealt with this.

Thankfully..they aren't rushing me, so please don't think that.

ive been in this situation and i sooo know what those jumbled emotions were all about

- in the end he explained to me that what i gave him was unique to us and therefore extremely precious and valued and bore no relation to his spouse at all. he also said that he would never put one above the other because his wife and i had two separate and very different roles in his life. in the end he proved this to be so. he was able to give me a great deal of his time, so much so that i often wondered how he found time for her. so it is doable

i never felt like the beta in the relationship, though ill confess, we didnt all live under the same roof - i found it amazing that she knew all about me and was happy for him to pursue that side of himself without any jealousy. she often asked after me apparently, how i was and was quite protective about me, knowing he could be, well, himself somewhat at times

i think if everyone is on board and understands what each brings to the table and why then it is perfectly fine. i would ask him about the beta thing though - from my experience, because what you give is so totally different to what she gives the two simply dont correllate. however, if its live-in then he will need to ensure that she does not feel pushed out of her marriage, so it is a balancing act for him.

mostly make absolutely damn sure she is on board and you two will get along, have things in common other than him - what can make or break a poly relationship is very much down to the women in the mix and how they relate - he can to some extent orchestrate and manage things, but only if the women involved dont fall out so badly that he just ends up stuck in the middle.

edited because ive just read the wife is sub...., the rest of it might not be much use either, but ill leave it, incase theres something in there that might help. good luck and have fun.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 6/17/2010 3:16:34 AM >

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RE: beta slaves - 6/17/2010 4:56:36 AM

LafayetteLady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sleazybutterfly

I said to him the other day "So, she is the love of your life and I would be the slave of your life?". He said that described it perfectly. I am not sure how I reacted to that, a jumble of emotions probably.

I know that poly has a lot to offer...twice the love being one of them, but also twice the things to consider before going into it fully.

These two comments contradict each other. As stated, if I were you, I would be very concerned about that "love" portion because it doesn't sound like you would be getting any. For me, that would be a deal breaker.

I'm not poly, and would never be in a situation like that, but that is me. Many people are very fufilled an happy in poly relationships and it's great that it works for them.

However, you admit that you hadn't considered yourself in a poly situation in the past and so I think you should think long and hard before entering into a poly situation. What makes you suddenly consider going into a poly household, and one that you already know you would never come first in? As I said, I'm not poly and don't pretend to understand how everyone is happy that way, but from what I have read, when someone typically has never before wanted to play second fiddle enters into a poly situation, it doesn't seem to end well.

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RE: beta slaves - 6/17/2010 5:04:30 AM

DesFIP

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You only get twice the love if all of you are in love with each other. Are you?
And despite her not being dominant, it's her house. So you have to adapt to her ways including the organization of the kitchen cabinets. Have you discussed who will do what? In detail? Because it's the small things that will be the irritants, day in and day out.

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RE: beta slaves - 6/17/2010 4:10:46 PM

sleazybutterfly

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Well. she and i have talked several times, we actually seem to get along pretty well.

In some ways it's all I have been looking for..in others it's much different.

Them being married, me coming after. Her being a sub, me supposed to be a slave. I know in most ppl's eyes, that puts me as a lower level anyway, though i disagree.

i am trying to think of every detail to the point I am overthinking everything. I just really enjoy him, and I wish I could find it in myself to just accept the whole thing knowing that parts of my life would be exactly what I want.

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RE: beta slaves - 6/17/2010 4:12:00 PM

sleazybutterfly

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He tells me everyday that he loves me, so I don't really doubt that part. I suppose though there is a difference between loving someone who is the love of your life, and loving someone that isn't

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RE: beta slaves - 6/17/2010 4:13:06 PM

sleazybutterfly

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well, I can't say I am in love yet. I do care for them both very much.

I agree I would have to be the one to adapt...which is ok for the most part as long as I have my own space..room, which we have talked about.

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RE: beta slaves - 6/17/2010 9:03:31 PM

LafayetteLady

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sleazybutterfly

Well. she and i have talked several times, we actually seem to get along pretty well.

In some ways it's all I have been looking for..in others it's much different.

Them being married, me coming after. Her being a sub, me supposed to be a slave. I know in most ppl's eyes, that puts me as a lower level anyway, though i disagree.

i am trying to think of every detail to the point I am overthinking everything. I just really enjoy him, and I wish I could find it in myself to just accept the whole thing knowing that parts of my life would be exactly what I want.

And knowing that the part that wouldn't be exactly what you want is that if push ever came to shove, his "love" for you would mean nothing and the "love of his life" would be the priority.

That bolded sentence screams you are settling. It is also screaming that what you are "settling" for will, in the long run, not make you happy because the biggest part of "exactly what you want" won't be there.

We all know how difficult and frustrating finding the right partner can be. Perhaps the best thing for you to do would be to make a list of all the things you want, in order of how important they are. Try to do it without this situation in mind, but rather what you truly want. If those top spots are things you can get here and you are SURE you can get them the way YOU want them without compromising, then take things slow and see how it goes. However, if those top spots are not things you can get, and the "exactly what you want" stuff is the stuff on the bottom of the list, move on.

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RE: beta slaves - 6/18/2010 10:28:44 AM

cassandria

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When I hear the word "beta" in a slave-sense, I cringe. The fear that washes over me is huge.

For the same reasons that you get that 'jumble of emotions'.

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RE: beta slaves - 6/18/2010 12:49:00 PM

HOUSEofSIRE

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Don't be afraid of their love for each other. Loving one does not mean that you can not love another.

Perhaps they are filled with so much love that it is simply overflowing and they have a deep desire to share that love with someone else, to share their happiness with someone else. (Or perhaps i am just projecting my own feelings here)

If you feel his love, and you feel a strong connection with her that could turn into love, and so many things that are essential to your happiness are present, then it sounds like a pretty good foundation to start a relationship on to me.

You can bounce your concerns off of us all day long, but in the end we are going to log off and not think about it again. You on the other hand still have to live with what ever decision you make. If i were you i would choose the one that fills me with happines...the one that makes me smile.

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RE: beta slaves - 6/20/2010 7:32:30 PM

sweetnurseBBW

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I am the beta slave of a married Master/slave dynamic. I knew going in what my position would be and don't feel less important than his alpha. We run our poly dynamic as a family. We have a hierarchy but Master has the final word. We really don't seperate positions so much as do what works for us. The labels don't make our family, we do. I am happy with what I have and feel very fulfilled in it. I am happy I made the decesion to join their family.

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RE: beta slaves - 6/20/2010 9:10:49 PM

Rochsub2009

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Sleazybutterfly,
I am going to chime in here because I have been exactly where you are.

I don't consider myself to be poly. I have never imagined myself as part of a poly household. And yet, I have found myself in that exact situation on more than one occasion.

My view of it is a bit different than those that have been voiced so far. But that's because I still consider myself to be basically monogamous, and not polyamorous (despite past actions to the contrary).

I dated a married Domme for approximately 1.5 years. Our relationship was quite rewarding. But despite reassurances to the contrary, I always felt that my position was secondary. After all, they had rings on their fingers, while I had a collar. They lived in the same house, while I came when I was summoned. They had children together, while I knew that that was never going to be an option for us.

I was always reassured that her feelings for me were not less than what she felt for her husband. In fact, I knew that she actually preferred sex with me over sex with her husband. But it was difficult for me to purge myself of the feelings of being "lesser". In fact, that is probably the reason that I chose to end the relationship. I wanted to feel "primary" to my partner, even if it was in a submitted capacity.

Surprisingly, I almost found myself in a similar situation recently. I met and communicated on a regular basis with a Domme that I met right here on CM. We had immediate chemistry on all levels. In fact, the chemistry between us was so strong and profound, that it was unlike anything that I had ever experienced before. It was like I had met my "soulmate". Only she was married to someone else. So I considered entering into another relationship in which I would be the "beta".

The key is that only you can determine whether being "the other" is something that you can ultimately feel content with. Your partner is going to give you constant reassurances that you are just as special as their spouse, and that they love you just as much. However, what else would you expect from them? They are getting to have their cake and eat it too.

So IMO, you have to totally disregard what they are saying. Ignore their reassurances. Instead, you have to dig deep inside yourself, and discover what resides at the core of your being. Can you TRULY be happy being with someone else's husband? Is this what you truly desire? Or do you REALLY desire to be the wife? Do you really desire to have kids by him? Do you really desire to have the ring on YOUR finger, and the collar on her neck? Do you really desire to live in the same house with him (and to know that it's YOUR house, and not that you're sharing HER house)?

You're going to have to ask yourself the tough questions. Moreover, you're going to have to be completely honest with yourself. Good luck.

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RE: beta slaves - 6/22/2010 4:49:17 PM

trueshadow

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It's more unusual in that I think most Dommes are monogamous or just play with different slaves, not having a relationship with them. A formal relationship is possible with a triad, but I've never been in one. I assume most of the Owners I've served play with others; I've never had a live-in relationship that lasted a appreciably long time.

I would probably accept the situation. I would prefer serving a Domme and her alpha slave, but I would also serve a couple or a Domme with an alpha male slave (not an alpha male...but you all know what I mean!).

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