RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (Full Version)

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LadyNTrainer -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/25/2010 10:01:44 PM)

If he was otherwise a cool guy, I'd be willing to be friendly and help educate him, making it clear I would not date or play with him and it was off limits to ask me. If he overstepped those boundaries, we'd be done. If he respected them, we could be friends and I'd be glad to introduce him to the local BDSM community and take time to give him a reality check.



lobodomslavery -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/26/2010 6:06:40 AM)

i wouldnt mind a Lady asking me to act like Tom Hanks, im quite a  good impressionist actually
kevin



DarkSteven -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/26/2010 6:09:43 AM)

If the guy was twenty, I would expect some fantasy thinking.  But in his forties...



ElanSubdued -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/26/2010 8:28:47 AM)

Akasha,

(Fast reply, having not looked at any, other responses.)

--- Is it worth it?

No.

For me, this is another, classic, "has nothing to do with BDSM" question.  You did ask about attributes related to BDSM, but, in general, underlying the bulk of what you described is emotional, wordly, and social maturity and compatibility.  This is a two-way street because, as a submissive, I'm selective the other way around.  I'm not interested in manufacturing someone or trying to turn them into something they're not.

Flipping this back to the domme point of view, I could see, if a potential partner has a few places they could use some growth, that this might not be a big deal.  I mean, how many of us don't have areas where personal growth is needed!  But, this said, what you've described is someone who basically, were I the domme, isn't compatible with me.  I'd want a partner who brings a strong sense of himself and to the table.  It's fine if the partner is willing to try new things and possibly hasn't experienced some (or many) of the things that interest me.  However, there's got to be something, intellectually and emotionally, about a partner that draws me to them and vice versa.  This functions on many levels because few people are one dimensional.  Therefore, our vanilla and BDSM minds would have to enhance one another on more than just a superficial level before I'd be interested in the partner.  "yes, I like what you like" and someone who treats me as a fetish object... this would be a complete turn-off, even if other attributes were in sync.

Elan.



MadameMarque -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/26/2010 10:44:04 AM)

That's a lot of 'if's'. Based on the suppositions you lay out in the OP, this isn't someone you're really into, it's someone you view as a project or as pending improvement. I don't think that's a good basis for a primary relationship, especially from the "project's" point of view.

Now, I think if you have a friend or take someone under your wing who could use some friendly guidance or coaching, that's very nice and supportive. But you seem to be asking about a dominant-submissive relationship, not strictly a friendship or a mentor-protégé one.

[Edit: knew I should have looked up "protégé]



LadyCimarron -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/26/2010 11:17:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lobodomslavery

i wouldnt mind a Lady asking me to act like Tom Hanks, im quite a  good impressionist actually
kevin



There is a difference between acting like tom hanks and BEING tom hanks. Especially when its the fictional one in the movies who did and said all the right things all the time. You mean to tell me you are prepared to continuously live out a version of "Sleepless in Seattle"with someone for the rest of your life. That's fine if you do, but I refuse to. If its not real why be in it. If they don't want you for who you are, why would you want to be with them.



ElanSubdued -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/26/2010 12:07:53 PM)

Ack!  Sorry everyone. :-)  My typing (above) is lousy and I missed quite a few typos.  I think my meaning still gets through.  I've got a nasty cold and don't feel well.

MadameMarque summarizes my thoughts nicely.  Viewing someone as a project or as a pending improvement, in my opinion, isn't a great foundation for a relationship.  Taking someone under your wing, in a friendly way, so as to offer guidance and coaching... this seems like a helpful, positive thing to do.  I'll add though, a mentoring arrangement should be clear to all involved.

E.



Andalusite -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/26/2010 12:28:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: JhonDean
Intresting, had you ever thought a male capable of dismissing the female dominant simply based on the beleif she lacked the content of character and indeviduality he found most desirable? Think about it, we do not all walk the same path.

Actually, I think that's perfectly reasonable. I want someone who is ethical and has good social skills regardless of their D/s orientation, and I have turned down a couple of potential Dominants. If they don't have any friends, and can't carry on a conversation, I don't want to play Pygmalion with them.

AAkasha, if he had some misconceptions about D/s and BDSM, whether from inexperience, exposure to FemDom porn, or whatever, I might make one brief attempt to explain my mindset and the difference between fantasy and reality as I see it. If he's open to being educated, fine, but most people who feel that way aren't just uneducated, but very firm and set in their opinions.



seekingOwnertoo -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/30/2010 8:27:53 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JhonDean

Intresting, had you ever thought a male capable of dismissing the female dominant simply based on the beleif she lacked the content of character and indeviduality he found most desirable?


Frankly, it is quite easy.

Both traits ... i find extraordinarily important.

So when they are of value ... and She lacks them ... it is easy to walk away.



LafayetteLady -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (6/30/2010 10:45:21 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

All that, or some of that, but underneath, he's basically "a decent guy."  Maybe some chemistry.  Things "could" work.  But it's an uphill battle, and with Mr. Agreeable, you just don't know if he's saying he will change when really his enthusiasm is all pointed at the fantasy, and as soon as it loses the appeal, he'll probably just...well, vanish.

Is it worth it?

Akasha



I admit I didn't read the whole thread. Regardless, my answer is "maybe." How much chemistry is there? Makes a difference. How "decent" is he? Again, makes a difference. How much time do you invest in trying to "rehabilitate" the guy? Again, the answer would vary.

I think you would have to judge each social inept guy individually. Certainly, there are those that you just go "no way." But then there are those who show some redeeming qualities, who with a little training could turn into a wonderful partner. Yes, there is always that risk that he will "vanish" when the thrill wears off, but that risk exists for all potential partners, regardless of their social ineptitude.



sirsholly -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (7/1/2010 3:29:39 AM)

quote:

Is it worth it?
it is not my job to reconnect someone with reality. Life is too short.



MissAsylum -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (7/1/2010 5:21:40 AM)

agreed.



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (7/1/2010 7:58:51 AM)

I think I'd say "maybe" -- if he had other characteristics that I found appealing, I might be inclined to give him a break and see how he does. I'd set a time frame (probably, with someone like the OP described, I'd say 3 months), and see how much progress we made. If we hadn't made progress in 3 months, that would be the end of it... but if things had progressed and he'd made enough improvements that I felt like it was going in the right direction, I'd probably re-up for another 3 months. After that, I'd know whether he and I were going to work or not.

I've had the opportunity to deal with some pretty inexperienced, pretty clueless people who turned out to be awesome -- and I've had the opportunity to deal with some pretty inexperience, pretty clueless people who couldn't get a clue if you pasted it to their foreheads with SuperGlue, strapped it on with duct tape, and tattooed it into the palms of their hands... but the thing is, sometimes the people who seem like they're the furthest from potential are the ones who actually have the drive and ambition to progress. If the guy the OP described were that diligent in pursuing me, I'd say that there might be half a chance he'd be worth my effort -- and if not, at least I'd have fun trying.

Calla



MsMillgrove -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (7/1/2010 8:21:23 AM)

For me, yes with some people. Yes. it was worth it. With one-- I knew him for a longtime online, he was delusional, but he did have good manners. Innate grace, not proper manners. So I took the chance. It was a lot of fun.

These broad sweeping strokes, don't always fit an individual. I like case-by-case scenariors, giving in rational measures, as often or as much as I can manage. If it gets hard, tiresome, stressful, then I ease out.

What I look for is honesty, openess, willingness to learn and grow. If it's there, you can work miracles.

Would I do this with all the ones who cross my path--no, i don't have the strength, a lot of them don't seem worth the effort. And I agree with LB< the fastest way to find out, can they follow directions is to ask them to address you in a certain way, if they don't--you've wasted no time on them.

Each time they pass some small learning task, you feel encouraged and happy that they are slowly progessing. It takes time. I enjoy nurturing, mentoring,
learning. I always learn something too. It's not a one way street.



81song -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (7/1/2010 8:24:57 AM)

I would have to agree with many and say no, if he is laying or not being upfront with you then it could spell trouble. Being online is one thing, real is another.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (7/1/2010 8:34:25 AM)

~a True Story~

There's a local guy who blogs--I've mentioned him before--who after three "test" dates with a lady, is now "owned and collared". He got to go to a local party with her for a bit, in a leash and collar, fetch drinks, get shown around, then got sent home so she could play with someone else. The lady has a Yahoo group, and a little stable of pets, evidently. He is blissfully happy.

I always use that "are you enjoying yourself?" guide for anything kinky. If everyone's happy, mazel tov! Folks don't have to live like I do. I can see the slippery slope this guy is on, though, and I don't think I am overstepping myself by saying that he is eating a pile of happy horseshit. I am MYOB. Do you think there is hope for him as a regular sub guy with a regular dom gal? Or is this slice of reality screwing him up even more?



MsMillgrove -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (7/1/2010 4:37:42 PM)

Lady H said: I always use that "are you enjoying yourself?" guide for anything kinky. If everyone's happy, mazel tov! Folks don't have to live like I do. I can see the slippery slope this guy is on, though, and I don't think I am overstepping myself by saying that he is eating a pile of happy horseshit. I am MYOB. Do you think there is hope for him as a regular sub guy with a regular dom gal? Or is this slice of reality screwing him up even more?


I always do the same: MOYB..and then wonder why this satisfies some guys... to be part of a large stable...have an hour or two of attention.. and put away.
Yet, it's so common. I think it's like a half-way house for the very guys we're discussing, a socially akward, delusional type. When you think about it, it's maybe great for them, to take it slow and easy like this.. to learn a bit at a time. It's probably ideal.

If they gain confidence, begin to sharpen the social skills, likely they could later, down the line, turn into a regular sub guy for a regular domme girl. Why not?
Some people can learn and grow. This Lady with her minions is probably doing the rest of us a favor.



LadyPact -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (7/1/2010 9:41:53 PM)

I can't really say why, but this almost sounds a bit sad, Hib.  I mean, if it's working for him, it's all good.  After a while, he may decide he wants more or he may not.  If he doesn't turn out to be as happy as he thinks he is, it might actually help him to define what he wants.  It will give him a look at the kind of time and attention he would like to have as part of a D/s dynamic and search with that in mind.  This could be exactly the type of situation that teaches that he wants more, and how to formulate in his own mind precisely what 'more' means.





LadyHibiscus -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (7/1/2010 9:46:47 PM)

I think it sounds REALLY sad, LP, and if you read his blog entries, and emailed with him (because Auntie HAS to give practical safety advice!) you would just be bemused. Aside from his sexual obsession---and that is rather sad in someone in their mid-40's, too---I think he has actual potential.

I have no personal interest in this man, he is in no way a match for ME, but he would be great for someone else. I know, MYOB, that's what I keep telling myself. And Ms Millgrove has a point, his lady might be doing us a favour by sweeping up all those minions and keeping them out of our way.

I keep coming back to Plato's Cave, though. [:o]



seekingOwnertoo -> RE: Is it worth your time to rehabilitate a male sub who is delusional? (7/1/2010 10:55:33 PM)

quote:

Plato's Cave


Wow ... did You just refer to the "Parable of the Cave", the Socrates story, from the Republic .. written by Plato?

That ... is one of my favorites ...

And ... LOL ... appropriate in a way ... given some of the prior posts ...



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