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Regarding Experience - 6/30/2010 4:18:44 PM

Matt176

Posts: 3
Joined: 6/28/2010
Status: offline

Hello All,

Let me begin by confessing that I am new to this lifestyle and have oh so much to learn. That having been acknowledged, I have met a particular dilemma. It seems that most dommes/mistresses are looking for a sub/slave with "experience." For someone such as myself, with limited experience, it is difficult to convince a domme that I am a serious submissive. So my question is twofold: If you are a Dominant Female, how important is the BDSM experience of your sub/potential sub? Also if experience is a serious issue, what can a new sub do to demonstrate that he/she is serious and not merely looking for a one night stand or kinky sex et cetera. I appreciate all input!

thanks,
Matt

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RE: Regarding Experience - 6/30/2010 4:25:50 PM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline

Well, first off, welcome to CM.
Secondly, it's refreshing to see a coherent post from a newcomer without whining and/or belligerence, thank you.
Thirdly, I may not be a she-critter D-type, but, I can assure you that there are definitely those out there that believe the way I do about this. I don't want an S-type with a lot of experience. All that means, normally, is bad habits I need to break them of, and a ton of re-training. That takes more than twice as long as just the initial training. And to be honest, I'm lazy.

Just my views on it though. Also, best of look to you in your search, give it time and don't give up. And, by the way, you're a cutie.

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RE: Regarding Experience - 6/30/2010 4:59:38 PM

MsLadySue

Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
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I agree with BKSir about preferring a sub with little experience over one with plenty. I want a boy that is trained to my way and it's much easier to train someone new than retrain someone. Besides it's very annoying to continually hear "but my previous Mistress ..." and this won't happen if the boy is new.

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RE: Regarding Experience - 6/30/2010 5:18:40 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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I've been saying this a lot on threads lately.

Experience isn't just something that you can get by only having been a participant in a female led dynamic. There are a lot of things that you can be doing to help improve your education about BDSM and D/s or M/s. For instance, what kind of books are you reading right now so that you can learn about the subject? Are you interested in your local munch group? Have you gone to any demos to increase your knowledge about different types of play? Are you talking to people to see how D/s works for them?

It's great for folks who are just starting out to say they are willing to learn. Guess what? Everybody says that. What you might want to consider when you are saying it is going the next step and saying, "I've had the initiative to go out and learn" instead of waiting for someone to come along to teach you everything from scratch.

That doesn't mean that you don't have to learn the particulars when you do find that person that you'd like to have that D/s dynamic with. It means you were serious enough about all of this to make an investment before she came along.

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RE: Regarding Experience - 6/30/2010 5:27:49 PM

ourmsbetty

Posts: 266
Joined: 9/4/2007
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I have had submissives with no experience and submissives with decades of experience.

I do not really have a preference.

However, I will say that there is a bit of an extra risk in getting involved with someone very new who is also very young.

No, I need to rephrase that. It's not really risk, or maybe it is after all.

What I mean is that it is easier to commit to someone who is a bit more sure of themselves. Someone who knows for sure what they want. Someone with a bit more confidence.

Yes, Matt, I know you think you know, but once you do gain some real world experience you may very well find that what you want and what you think you want are two very different things.

What kind of Domme do you want? What do you hope for the relationship to be? It takes a certain amount of time, experience and emotional maturity to learn such things.

Right now you seem to sort of be looking to get married without dating first, if you get the analogy.

So "date" a bit, gain a bit of experience, and then you will not have to convince a Domme you are serious. It will show.

Oh, and since you are a self admitted book worm... do read. It won't replace experience but it may enhance the experience you do get.

Ms. Betty

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RE: Regarding Experience - 6/30/2010 9:46:04 PM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
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like my Mistress said find local groups and munches even if there a bit out of the way make the effort to go and do something not just be a lurker on the boards. thats what i did and i met my Mistress and have been collared for nearly 3 years now. do some searches go to some meet and greets find some play spaces/dungons.

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RE: Regarding Experience - 7/1/2010 5:55:51 AM

Ladynslave

Posts: 376
Joined: 7/30/2009
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Well, the profile can no longer be found, but I will answer anyway. I have no preference other than I don't like arguments so the phrase, "But my last mistress (fill in the blank)" would be tolerated through about 3 sayings before the relationship would end abruptly.

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RE: Regarding Experience - 7/1/2010 6:14:53 AM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Matt176

Hello All,

Let me begin by confessing that I am new to this lifestyle and have oh so much to learn. That having been acknowledged, I have met a particular dilemma. It seems that most dommes/mistresses are looking for a sub/slave with "experience." For someone such as myself, with limited experience, it is difficult to convince a domme that I am a serious submissive. So my question is twofold: If you are a Dominant Female, how important is the BDSM experience of your sub/potential sub? Also if experience is a serious issue, what can a new sub do to demonstrate that he/she is serious and not merely looking for a one night stand or kinky sex et cetera. I appreciate all input!

thanks,
Matt

Experience is something you can get from from face to face interactions, alone. It isn't however the only way to learn.

If your interested in learning "all" you can, then maybe books and munches are the way to go along with relationships. (I like experimenting myself)

I personally don't care for the social end of things..munches and so on as places to learn but you could possibly meet someone there..

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RE: Regarding Experience - 7/1/2010 7:49:58 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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Joined: 6/29/2008
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quote:

If you are a Dominant Female, how important is the BDSM experience of your sub/potential sub? Also if experience is a serious issue, what can a new sub do to demonstrate that he/she is serious and not merely looking for a one night stand or kinky sex et cetera

My answer to part 2 is sort of wrapped up in part 1. We don't "require" experience. We've had pretty decent success in guiding newcomers through the gauntlet that is our Household. That being said, we do expect that the person who is inexperienced is probably going to have to deal with a higher level of "wow, this isn't what I thought it would be". We have a LOT of attrition among the novice class of servants, and it primarily revolves around that one reason... "I thought this would be a lot different". People can describe things until the cows come home, but in the end, only the opportunity to try things is going to really let a person know if they want to continue doing that thing...

It is that tendency to decide that what one -has- isn't really what one -wants- that makes it more difficult for the inexperienced participant. I've noted in previous postings that sites like this are really more "dating sites" for kinky folks -- the largest proportion of individuals here is looking for companions, mates, lovers, and spouses... and most of them are only looking for -one person- for the forseeable future... so most people just aren't interested in spending time training up someone, only to have that person discover that this isn't -really- what xhe thought it was going to be, and have hir move on to something else. It makes perfect sense, really.

The way to learn is to be open to opportunities that may offer only a -part- of what you're looking to experience, with the understanding that it isn't a permanent fit for you... several of those opportunities may help you to clear up which things you're genuinely interested in having as a long-term part of your life, and which things you've decided you don't really want to be involved in. In truth, you're probably not going to find a lot of takers here, but you might have better luck at either local face-to-face events in your community, or even by spending weekends a couple of times a year at BDSM-themed events (like Black Rose or Thunder in the Mountains).

Best of luck, and feel free to drop me a line on the other side if you'd like some more suggestions for events to attend.

Calla

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RE: Regarding Experience - 7/1/2010 8:06:26 PM

blackwingedangel

Posts: 10
Joined: 10/29/2006
Status: offline

(Fast Reply)
I dont have ooodles of experience myself, so I would like a newbie sub so that we could learn the process together and really develop a bond

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RE: Regarding Experience - 7/2/2010 9:49:18 AM

mwdsub4u

Posts: 49
Joined: 3/7/2007
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Mat176, i know this is Ask a Mistress, and i am a bi-m slave, 1, you have a blank profile, no info, and most will not respond to that.
there are good lifestyle,. Pro Dommina's in TX, you just may have to travel a little. Be honest about experience or lack of it.,be honest about your limits like pain or other things,, not sure better to be safe and go slow
A personal note from my experience Do not tell Her you will take anything for Her, take the time to learn and explore, and always be Honest and Respectfull to Her.

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RE: Regarding Experience - 7/2/2010 11:55:11 AM

ChampagneMojito

Posts: 77
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: UK
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My slave/fiance was a complete novice when we met. What impressed me was his integrity, honesty and genuine desire to serve and be pleasing. You can teach a slave lots, but not good manners, humility and/or flexibility.

Great advice about learning as much as you can yourself; also about filling in your profile completely. I think these boards are a great educational resource - people are, in the main, truly living this life, not just fantasising about it while masturbating furiously.

Best of luck with your search - it's an incredible journey, and LOADS of fun.

E x

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