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RaceBannon -> Doubts and dreams... (4/14/2006 9:46:31 PM)
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My life with a submissive woman:
Between the sheets I have always been a confident lover. I like to be in charge. It has always been my understanding that my lover’s pleasure is always my responsibility. I have found my orgasm a limited thing, yet women seem to possess the infinite in passion, and watching them and being the catalyst to their pleasure has always been, having no better term, “my kink.” I like to create pleasure.
Last summer for the first time in my 46 years, I met that wonder known as the “submissive woman,” and for the past few months my life has been a whirlwind of passion and frustration unbound. I am deeply in love, of that there is no doubt. It is not her kink that draws me but her spirit and beauty; though when in the middle of most mundane activities she’s in the habit of saying things like, “I just love kneeling at your feet while sucking your cock,” doesn’t hurt either.
At this moment, she is now FINALLY on the Internet finding out that she is not as strange as perhaps she has always surmised. Long have I told her “there are many out there like you,” (Yet none so special.). For months I myself have had to learn for us both; for I never dared to dream of such a woman, nor has she dreamed that actually living her fantasies could become reality. It has been a long and difficult journey for both of us. We have had many fights. Our relationship is a volatile one. It has sapped us both to the point where we must wonder if we are right for each other. It has always been my guess that she might be more 24/7 than she suggests. I often felt that here is a woman that does not need the space she so requests, but needs the discipline of a full-time Master.
Last week while she was away and while we were having yet another of our “we’d better break up” fights, I asked her if she would like me to dominate her “life” more, managing her daily tasks, giving her specific daily goals, then later punishing her or rewarding her depending on how “good of a girl,” she had been for me. It was as though she’d just heard the Sermon on the Mount. O boy did she think that would be terrific! She comes back, we have a lovely night, I give her the next two day’s to-do list (Her job sometimes keeps her overnight). She returned exhausted from work, merely wishing a peaceful night with a glass of wine. Though she had completed most of her tasks there were a couple of missteps. I did not punish her. She was tired and I myself had had an easy day. It seemed “wrong” for me to punish her.
That was a mistake, I see now. For my resolve never returned and within two day we are now back to our old ways. Yes, in bed I am Lord and Master, but our passion has never divided us. It is my lack of knowledge and confidence in this new D/s relationship, and her unwillingness to speak or become knowledgeable of what she truly wants and needs which I believe has always been our problem.
It is difficult to act upon her wishes. After 40 odd years of learning a very different set of morals to guide my path, it is only natural that when arguing with a woman to believe listening and understanding is the best path, yet I know my girl just wants me to “rape” her. When she doesn’t go to the gym, I have in the past been supportive by encouraging my lover to try again tomorrow, rather than to put her over my knee and give her the ol’ what for. When a woman speaks of her wishes to leave a relationship, one must listen, object, make promises, give in, or leave; one usually doesn’t remove one’s belt and give the girl a thrashing. Unlearning the past is not an easy thing. I have embraced many aspects of D/s, especially in passion. Though spanking was a leap I now do such things easily for our pleasure; spanking for punishment is a difficult concept yet one I know she desires. Role-play has come very naturally and she responds well for her imagination is remarkable. Now I must learn to dominate her life.
My girl has had submissive thoughts all her life. I have not had sadistic desires or an overwhelming need to truly be Master to a woman’s slave. Then again, who could ever dream such things? I couldn’t, now I have. I have had an overly abundant desire to give pleasure and have the abilities to inflict a great deal of it. I have finally found a woman who can take all that pleasure, but I shall need a great deal more tools in my workshop to make this work out. I believe in time punishment can come as easily to me as finding her ever elusive orgasm. The other night I began to torment her sexually, bringing her to the brink time and time again without satisfaction. The woman who when we met had never found her Big O, now cums not seconds, but for minutes at a time. I have Mastered her body.
Perhaps sex is the key and withholding that pleasure is the solution. I don’t really know. All I know is that these past several months have been guessing game of her psyche. I think I am right in her needing “more” from me. What we thought and agreed was only a game when the lights are low, my “guess” is that the game must continue in the daylight. Maybe that’s why I’ve led her to the Internet; because I need her to know more about herself and women like her. I need to stop guessing and know what she needs, then have the confidence to give it to her.
I have found my studies and experiences in D/s to be a wonder. I believe I can become what she needs; I wish to become what she needs, but I need time. I just wonder if she’ll give me that time, or will she yet again implode a relationship in which she has found love, her deepest and darkest fantasy of all. Any thoughts?
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