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Three things... - 7/8/2010 6:42:55 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		So you are a frustrated male sub...or maybe you are not frustrated, but still looking...

Below are three pieces of advice from Dominant Ladies (and others) on things you should do or already be doing in order to attract a Domme and hold her attention...

Ladies, I hope you will humor me and post here three things that you believe a potential male sub/slave can and should be doing - related to their search, their person, their attitude, their life, etc.

This topic is mainly for the Ladies, but anyone should feel free to post their (hopefully constructive) advice.  :)


_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Three things... - 7/8/2010 7:16:39 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		1.  Get involved in your local BDSM community.

This is the way to meet people.  If you are interested in meeting kinky people, your best bet is to go where the kinky people are.  It also shows that you are actively invested in doing what it takes to find what you seek.  You may not meet your dream Domme at your first munch, but you will get the chance to meet and get to know people who really live this way.  It will give you a much more realistic approach to Dominant women and those who are involved in female led dynamics.


2.  Educate yourself.

If you are interested in BDSM or a female led D/s dynamic, there is no reason that you can't invest your time to learn something about it.  Even if you are just interested in the play aspect, you should know some facts about it.  Read some non fiction related material such as "Screw The Roses" and "The New Bottoming Book".  If you have a particular interest in what it is that we do, there are books out there that will address those interests (such as "The Family Jewels" for CBT fans), but a book of general interest is probably in order first.  Also, attend demos to learn about the kinds of play that interest you so you can be prepared to play safely.


3.  Do some inner reflection about what you want and why you want it.

Sit down with yourself and do some serious thinking about why you have an interest in this.  How do you best identify (bottom, sub, switch, etc)?  What is your goal in participating in BDSM?  What are the kinks you would like to try?  Are you wanting to have a relationship where there is a power dynamic all of the time or is this something you just want to do now and again?  You need to know these things about yourself because the people that you are going to be interacting with will want to know about you to determine compatibility.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to OttersSwim)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Three things... - 7/8/2010 7:22:41 AM   
LadyCimarron


Posts: 625
Joined: 12/29/2009
Status: offline 		1. Keep improving yourself: If you are not good at speaking or writing those are things that can be learned. As well as taking care of yourself physically and having interests outside of the kink.

2. Come to the message boards and start posting. Communicate and interact with the Dominant women here. It will help you to relax and start seeing Dominant women as "real women." and improve how you interact with those you are meeting online and R/T

3. Go out into the real world and start attending munches, play parties and dungeons. The more real life contcts you make the more likely you are to meet a real life Dominant woman.

(in reply to OttersSwim)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Three things... - 7/8/2010 8:30:56 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		Be polite and treat Dommes as individual people, with their own interests, emotions, and needs.

Put effort into looking. If you have a profile here, make sure that the text part is intelligent, hopefully a bit witty, and is positive in tone. If you don't have a local community, make low-key efforts to see if there are people who share your interests, who you are attracted to (my previous thread on "converting nillas" might give you some ideas on how to approach). If you do have an active local scene, it's probably worthwhile to get out to at least a few events. I haven't personally found it very useful for meeting potential relationship partners, but it's easy to find playpartners that way. I did meet one of my ex-boyfriends that way, and two online, the rest were through vanilla interests. Take classes, stunt bottom in classes, or join discussion groups - I think they're more interesting than most of the munches. Nothing wrong with checking them out a bit, too, but the format makes it difficult for me to have in-depth conversations or interactions.

Learning about BDSM safety issues, skills that might be useful or make you more interesting to a Domme (ie. massage, working on cars, doing carpentry, gardening, dance, formal tea or dinner service, sewing, etc.) is a good idea. We just had a thread about not bartering for bottoming, but most people who want a submissive for a LTR will expect at least some level of service. Examine your attitudes about service - is it something that makes you feel hot and controlled? Useful? Resentful? What service-related things (and no, most Dommes don't consider sex to be service) do you inherently enjoy doing? Learning things in general is very attractive, and will make you seem more intelligent and interesting to talk with, even if they aren't potentially useful.

(in reply to LadyCimarron)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Three things... - 7/8/2010 8:39:25 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		1.  Get Real - Understand that there is a pretty vast difference between the cardboard barbie Dommes in the Femdom stories and porn and a real live dominant Female.  Those differences are wonderful and very fulfilling.  Ferret out those differences and learn what a real lifestyle Domme is typically looking for.  Get real with your life, your physical condition and appearance, your financial state, and get real with what you really -want- out of a D/s relationship. 

2.  Act with Honor and Integrity - Don't lie in your profile or your communications with a Domme.  DON'T cheat on your wife or break trust with those to whom you have sworn a marriage vow....not even a little.  Don't justify or rationalize actions that you know are wrong.  Do the right thing - even when it hurts.  When it becomes too painful, you will change your reality.  When you do change your reality, do it with as much honor and grace to those in your life as you can.

3.  Be Impeccable with your Word - From the Four Agreements.  If you say it, make it so.  From communication to showing up - to being honest with -yourself-...be impeccable with your word to yourself and to others.


_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to OttersSwim)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Three things... - 7/8/2010 8:42:12 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		1. Don't be a douche. It's amazing how far that will take you.

2. Develop social skills. If you wouldn't say it to someone's face, don't type it.

3. Own your own shit. Don't make excuses for who you are, how you feel, what you do or didn't do.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to OttersSwim)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Three things... - 7/8/2010 12:08:21 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline 		1) Be an engaging, entertaining, interesting person who is pleasant to spend time with. If nothing about you makes her want to have a coffee with you she is unlikely to want to hit you with anything or shove anything up your arse.

2) Women aren't like men. Be sensitive to the fact that she will probably want more from you than an arse to shove stuff up and a body to hit. Work out what that 'more' is. If need be, ask her. Then *provide* it.

3) Have some self respect and some damned standards! Women don't want you to fall at their feet in ecstasy just because they are there and you know they are probably the best you can do at the moment, they want you to fall at their feet in ecstasy because you think they are fucking amazing and you don't want anyone else. If you don't think she's fucking amazing? Don't fall at her feet.

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.




(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Three things... - 7/8/2010 1:31:39 PM   
AlexandraLynch


Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline 		1) Know what you want and be honest about it.  If you're a bottom, not a sub, be honest.  If you don't want service without sex, be honest. If you just want fuckbuddies and not a Relationship, be honest. (I'd apply this to both sides of the kneel, actually.)

2) Get your shit together and be the best you can be. If you have mental and physical issues, what can you do about them so that you can live around them, and not for them? It's one thing to consider a relationship with someone who has a mental illness and is treating it and working to mitigate it, and another with someone who isn't.  You can be fat and flexible and strong at the same time. You can learn various skills for free, and use time when you aren't working to practice them.  Being a more well-rounded, competent person will get you places in mundane life and the BDSM world.

3)Use correct English. The occasional misspelling in textual conversation is what it is, especially if you are dyslexic. But if you send a letter, there is such a thing as spellcheck and grammar checks. Text speak makes you look like an idiot. An obviously unproofed letter makes you look like you don't care.




_____________________________

I use fastreply. Don't take offence where none is meant.

Just because I'm not a bitch doesn't mean I'm not perfectly capable of making sure you'll be very sorry if you disobey.

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Three things... - 7/8/2010 1:45:21 PM   
LadyNTrainer


Posts: 1584
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline 		1.  Think of me as a person, a human being just like you, and a potential friend and good buddy whom you would really enjoy spending time getting to know regardless of whether or not any kinky sex or play comes of it.  Can't do that?  Then move along, please.  We don't have enough in common to start a relationship.  If it isn't fun to hang out with you socially, as VaguelyCurious puts it, it isn't fun to hit you or shove things up your ass, either. 

2.  Stay classy.  Leading with your sexual fetishes or your dick picture is annoying and creepy.  Be mindful that most ladies do not want to see your junk until they've ASKED to see it.  Shoving it in our faces first thing is rude, aggressive, and gross.  Sexually explicit conversation as a first introduction to someone you don't even know yet is on the same order of ickiness.  Don't be That Guy.  

3.  Don't ever lie, but do present the best and most interesting aspects of yourself (particularly the non kinky ones), and when necessary, work on improving those aspects of yourself to be even more attractive.  Whatever strengths you have, accentuate them and work on making them even more appealing.  Have a decent bod?  Work out and make it even hotter.  Have good skills in some area that might make a dominant lady's life better?  Don't forget to mention those.

There's a lot more than this I can think of, but I'll stop here and let everyone else pitch in their .03.


_____________________________

Your dominant Personal Trainer for fitness and body shaping in the lifestyle. Let my fetish be your motivation.

(in reply to OttersSwim)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Three things... - 7/8/2010 5:35:08 PM   
MsLadySue


Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline 		Send a polite and possibly witty email introducing yourself. Tell me a little about you as a person and what you found in my profile that intriqued you enough to write. Don't provide me with a list of your 'wants' and 'needs', I'm not here to fulfill your fantasies. Provide me with the basics of what you are interested in that I mention in my profile. NEVER make one of those interests providing me with hours of oral service, unless you want to be ignored. I would be happy to have you mention a few skills/qualities that would make my life easier such as massage therapist, good housekeeper, etc.

_____________________________

In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don't have to be nice anymore.

(in reply to OttersSwim)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Three things... - 7/8/2010 6:32:55 PM   
Steponme73


Posts: 552
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline 		These not only apply here, but they apply to life in general. If everyone practiced the above the world be a damn good place to live.

(in reply to MsLadySue)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Three things... - 7/8/2010 6:43:39 PM   
theGuideGoddess


Posts: 135
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		What a fantastic thread.  While I do not have time to read every thread I’ve seen few with such a forward moving and positive spin/response. 
All of the above advice is worth heeding. 

Be yourself, be your best and never stop improving. 
         Positive traits are always attractive.
Be honest about who you are and what you want.
         Dishonesty is the best way to destroy a relationship before it’s begun.
Get to know her first and foremost as a person. 
         Not every stranger that passes on the street piques our interest.
Be concerned about her needs,
        Not when and how she is going to meet yours. 

Woops…..over quota on my .03.  Oh well.

TGG
***************************************
A wise man learns from other's mistakes.
A fool learns from his own mistakes.
A failure fails to learn, even from his own mistakes.
Every body plays the fool some time.

(in reply to MsLadySue)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Three things... - 7/8/2010 6:44:50 PM   
theGuideGoddess


Posts: 135
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

1.  Get Real - Understand that there is a pretty vast difference between the cardboard barbie Dommes in the Femdom stories and porn and a real live dominant Female.  Those differences are wonderful and very fulfilling.  Ferret out those differences and learn what a real lifestyle Domme is typically looking for.  Get real with your life, your physical condition and appearance, your financial state, and get real with what you really -want- out of a D/s relationship. 

2.  Act with Honor and Integrity - Don't lie in your profile or your communications with a Domme.  DON'T cheat on your wife or break trust with those to whom you have sworn a marriage vow....not even a little.  Don't justify or rationalize actions that you know are wrong.  Do the right thing - even when it hurts.  When it becomes too painful, you will change your reality.  When you do change your reality, do it with as much honor and grace to those in your life as you can.

3.  Be Impeccable with your Word - From the Four Agreements.  If you say it, make it so.  From communication to showing up - to being honest with -yourself-...be impeccable with your word to yourself and to others.



Spot on!

(in reply to OttersSwim)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Three things... - 7/8/2010 6:47:32 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Steponme73

These not only apply here, but they apply to life in general. If everyone practiced the above the world be a damn good place to live.

That's part of the issue, I'm sure. 

We're all supposed to be grown people here.  I can't even remember the last time somebody had to tell Me that honesty was important or that I needed to be reminded to have integrity.  That's supposed to be the stuff that you learn before you're an adult.  Yet, here we are on an 'adult' site and people have to be told that. 

Sorry for the mini rant to both you and Otters.  It just seems a sad state when we have to go back and teach the things that should have been learned in Kindergarten.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Steponme73)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Three things... - 7/8/2010 6:49:41 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		I think that was probably more than three things, MsLadySue.

Bit of an aside: I was thinking, earlier, of the opposite and complementary question - how should a femdom appear to a sub?  What could she do to to make herself more appealing to submales? 

A silly and irrelevant question, one might think, because she wouldn't need to think that way.  A femdom doesn't have to do anything at all to attract shedloads of submales, beyond announcing that she's a femdom. 

But we all know that 99% of that shedload of subs is dross.  It's been stated on this forum time and again.  So what should a femdom do to attract the 1% of submales that she actually wants?  That'd be an interesting question - though maybe for a different thread. 

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


(in reply to MsLadySue)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Three things... - 7/8/2010 7:11:25 PM   
Blue2476


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/6/2010
Status: offline 		1) Know how to articulate what you can offer her. The general "I will submit to you" or "whatever you require", don't give her any reason to explore the possibility of a relationship with you

2) Exercise patience. In order to truly bond with someone be it vanilla or other, you have to get to know one another. (unless it is agreed to be a casual fling) If you try to pounce she will loose interest in you quickly.

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Three things... - 7/8/2010 8:18:15 PM   
slavekal


Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline 		Great advice, ladies.  Honesty is number one.  A man has to be honest with himself and the ladies he meets if he really wants to find a Mistress.

_____________________________

"The Courage to Submit: the submissive male's guide to finding a dominant woman"
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-courage-to-submit-the-guide-for-the-submissive-male-seeking-a-dominant-woman/5968917

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Three things... - 7/8/2010 8:31:27 PM   
VideoAdminRho


Posts: 2055
Joined: 3/24/2010
Status: offline 		That's it. I'm locking this thread until I can get all the poo swept up.

[Edit]- OK, poo swept. Please carry on, but keep it on topic.

< Message edited by VideoAdminRho -- 7/8/2010 9:02:14 PM >

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Three things... - 7/8/2010 8:58:36 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		How cute!  Our Moderator says "poo".

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to VideoAdminRho)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Three things... - 7/8/2010 8:59:44 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

How cute!  Our Moderator says "poo".


Someone has to be the good example around here!

~~

Peon, I think that thread is a great idea, and you should start it! With your own helpful hints, of course!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 20
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