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Understanding a switch. - 7/11/2010 10:54:16 PM

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I'm a switch and I thought I might provide my point of view.

This whole line of discussion is a bit overblown, to begin with.

The reason I am a switch is that I receive gratification from submitting sometimes, and also from dominating sometimes.

Just like, some days I feel like watching a comedy movie, and other days I detest the idea of watching a comedy, and some comedies I enjoy, and others I dislike. There is no magical or profound psychological mystery at play here. It's just preference and the human ability to have an interest that sways from time to time.

Furthermore, not every scenario calls for domination, and not every scenario calls for submission. Attempting to dominate or submit at all times is inefective.

I used to take martial arts and I had to assume a subserviant posture at the Dojo because it was what would ultimately provide me with the most useful end result.

When helping a customer or providing a service for which you have a thurough and authorative knowledge of the subject, dominance is the right tool for the job.

Many of my sexual fantasies involve my role as dominant and submissive switching back and forth NUMEROUS times during a single fantasy, from situations where I am COMPLETELY at the mercy of my partner to being in COMPLETE control, that is how rapid and hard-wired my desire to be in both positions is.

One must use the right tool for the job. I don't use a hammer to brush my teeth, and I don't use submission when the occasion calls for domination.

It's been my discovery during my BDSM journey that everyone has the capacity and desire to be lead. Being lead by someone capable offers a sense of safety and security, and everyone has a basic need for safety and security.

For some people, the need to be in control is greater than the need to receive safety and security from others, in these cases you have dominant personalities.

For other people, their need for safety and security is greater than their need for control, or they lack enough control to provide a sense of safety and security for themselves (which is okay!), in which case you've got a submissive personality.

And finally, there are people like me, who want to have their cake and eat it too. I want control over my life, I want to be able to provide safety and security as a dominant, and I want to be able to enjoy the warmth of safety and security provided by others.

< Message edited by dbloomer -- 7/11/2010 11:01:54 PM >

RE: Understanding a switch. - 7/12/2010 4:21:48 AM

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dbloomer, welcome to the boards.

I think when we look at a singular such as 'dominance' we relate much more to it being hard-wired but when we look a switch, its often seen as not dedicated enough in any particular direction. Its like being a plumber and an electrician... if you need to sort out the pipes then your plumbing skills come in but if its a lighting matter, you use your electrical skills. Just because you can do both makes you no less able as a plumber or electrician.
I just believe we are more complex beings

I think most of us are pretty good at multi tasking too!

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(in reply to dbloomer)

RE: Understanding a switch. - 7/12/2010 11:10:26 AM

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Fast reply with a whole lot of sarcasm cuz that's how I'm feeling today. ^.^

I'm not any less or any more of anything. I'm a greedy, indecisive, wanting it all, and not settling for any less switch. ;) I'm good on both sides of the paddle and I always make sure the people I'm playing with or am actually in a relationship with get theirs too.

Serious response:
I think trying to understand a "switch" is like trying to understand creatures from another planet, another race, the other gender. Stereotypes work on occasion, but not all of them fit each individual. Regardless of what we choose to define ourselves on CM, Myspace, Facebook, Fetlife, or offline.... we are still people. And given the fact that we all (except for "zombie sub" from another part of the forum....x.x) have free will; understanding takes time, patience, willingness to listen, and a desire to actually communicate. For me, "understanding" falls into the same category as "beliefs". They take too much energy to change once they have been made, and considering the fact that I change my mind all the time and people are constantly failing to understand me, I would rather "get to know" and have "ideas". Understanding someone is pretty final sounding to me, like afterwards they can't change. But that's just my two cents. ^.^

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RE: Understanding a switch. - 7/14/2010 5:44:15 PM

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I am a switch, and came to realize it many many years ago. I identify as a more dominant switch. My soon to be wife is a more submissive switch. And yes we can switch right in the middle of play just as easy as switching positions during sex. Now BDSM is not our whole relationship, it is only a part. At any given time she can get really frisky, which I adore since I do not always have to initiate. But there are times when I throw her onto anything partly comfortable and just have at her the way I want.

Yes, we get our cake and eat it too. My opinion is that if you only try one thing and only do that one thing, you miss out on so many other experiences. I started as a submissive, a kinky, cross-dressing submissive that was totally into bondage and a woman lording over me. My lady wonders how, even though she knows the story, how I can know what she is feeling and thinking during our private scenes. And I always tell her, I was in your position before, and don't mind being there again.

PS. I love cake.

(in reply to Steelslilbit)

RE: Understanding a switch. - 7/28/2010 10:34:10 PM

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I think it may be a matter or elitism and superiority. I also believe that putting regulations and hard-set rules into a lifestyle that was supposed to be for those who couldn't live with the common definition of love is sort of strange.

It is simple: Sometimes I want to bend her over, and sometimes I like to be bent over. It is gratifying, and to overlook that very simple fact to attack something else is just worthless. "It is gratifying" should be more than enough explanation for anyone, and anything to the contrary just seems insensitive.

(in reply to dominmd)

RE: Understanding a switch. - 7/29/2010 4:33:41 AM

tyediebutterfly

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merely wish to say i completely agree with them. there are times i feel the need to tie someone down give them a good whipping and bite them. then there are times i feel the need to be bonded and punished.

(in reply to dbloomer)

RE: Understanding a switch. - 7/29/2010 7:50:58 AM

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quote:

It is simple: Sometimes I want to bend her over, and sometimes I like to be bent over. It is gratifying, and to overlook that very simple fact to attack something else is just worthless. "It is gratifying" should be more than enough explanation for anyone, and anything to the contrary just seems insensitive.

So my question to you, do you switch within your relationship?
For myself I find this difficult. I find when I meet someone I either express dominance or submissiveness towards them and let things naturally proceed from there. I submit to my Master completely. I could not imagine those roles being reversed. To see Him on his knees before me and Me on top? I just wouldn't know what to do. I know I am a good slave to Him, but as controlling I would question myself the whole time, therefore being a terrible Domme.

Then I can meet a guy in a vanilla setting walk up shake his hand and have control from there on. Master and I joke about it. We say in these situations I should shake their hand and merely say "puppy meet string, string meet puppy" as in these situations I see from the beginning they could never dominate me.
Women as well I set dominance in the very beginning or I do not enter into a relationship with her

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RE: Understanding a switch. - 7/29/2010 11:37:48 AM

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I would switch within my relationship. I don't think that being both submissive/dominant would take away from that. I'd own him, he'd own me. Now, in an ideal world (LOL) that would work. In the real world, more than likely it would be one or the other with opportunities outside the relationship to get th eother needs met, or live within a poly household where it all comes together.

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RE: Understanding a switch. - 7/29/2010 6:11:25 PM

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YES exactly in an IDEAL world, lol. But yes I see your point

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RE: Understanding a switch. - 7/29/2010 10:33:14 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TwistedHeart74

I would switch within my relationship. I don't think that being both submissive/dominant would take away from that. I'd own him, he'd own me. Now, in an ideal world (LOL) that would work. In the real world, more than likely it would be one or the other with opportunities outside the relationship to get th eother needs met, or live within a poly household where it all comes together.

Exactly. Poly provides one option but if it came down to it I could choose between one or the other and I'm certain where I would land. Households have their own nuances and it's imperative that everyone is on board at the onset. If I was involved with someone that was wired for monogamy I wouldn't force the issue.

~porcelaine

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RE: Understanding a switch. - 7/30/2010 12:12:17 AM

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I call myself, for all relative purposes, a sub. This is because I am sub to my Master who is also the person I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with. I am happy with this. But with others, it tends to flip flop at times. But deep down, my choice is usually aligned with what each person would like if we were to engage in activities (whether it would be play/sex/ect.) One woman I know is very sub, and I fancy her, so I want to to dominant things to her and treat her in such a manner. I boss her around, make her do things that I give her praise for. There is a man I know that loves women to take charge in the bedroom. Therefore I would want to make him do things to please me and submit him to me. Make him do things to give me pleasure. It varies from person to person even though I have used two examples of a top role, but over all I enjoy the idea of doing things to make the experience the most pleasurable that I possibly could for them. This is another reason I consider myself a sub. I take on the role to serve them and please them. Is this crazy?

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RE: Understanding a switch. - 8/1/2010 11:55:47 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Maculate

I call myself, for all relative purposes, a sub. This is because I am sub to my Master who is also the person I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with. I am happy with this. But with others, it tends to flip flop at times. But deep down, my choice is usually aligned with what each person would like if we were to engage in activities (whether it would be play/sex/ect.) One woman I know is very sub, and I fancy her, so I want to to dominant things to her and treat her in such a manner. I boss her around, make her do things that I give her praise for. There is a man I know that loves women to take charge in the bedroom. Therefore I would want to make him do things to please me and submit him to me. Make him do things to give me pleasure. It varies from person to person even though I have used two examples of a top role, but over all I enjoy the idea of doing things to make the experience the most pleasurable that I possibly could for them. This is another reason I consider myself a sub. I take on the role to serve them and please them. Is this crazy?

Not at all. I think our reasons for operating on either side will vary. I enjoy being in a position of authority and leading. It brings me pleasure to play a role in the individual's expansion. My engagement is both selfish and benevolent and is never at the behest of a dominant. Submission didn't put this aspect of my persona to rest. I simply channeled it through mentoring. For me, dominance is the fulfillment of who I am and allows me to bring all of myself into a situation without restraint.

~porcelaine

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RE: Understanding a switch. - 8/8/2010 2:47:44 PM

hertz

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quote:

So my question to you, do you switch within your relationship?

Depends on the relationship, I think?

I relate to some people in a submissive way, and some as the dominant partner. And there are others where the power relationship shifts and changes. It's all good, as long as everyone knows the rules.

(in reply to Chrisincuffs)

RE: Understanding a switch. - 2/15/2011 3:51:03 AM

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dbloomer. I just want to thank you for summing up exactly how I feel on the subject. Quite frankly, I get pretty sick of others calling me 'greedy' or 'confused' just because I'm a switch/bisexual. I enjoy exploring all facets of my personality and all of my psychological tendencies and traits. To embrace one and to completely deny the other makes no sense to me at all. I know I would not be happy being a total sub OR a total Domme; some part of me would always remain unsatisfied. Why do that to oneself? Besides, I've always felt one cannot truly understand another's viewpoint until one has seen and experienced things from that other side. And I know what I like and don't like AS a sub, which makes it all the more fun when I get to use those methods ON a sub.

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RE: Understanding a switch. - 2/17/2011 9:15:47 AM

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I wanted to say thanks to dlbloomer for a nice summary of us "switches".

Also, I think back to what someone told me a long time back. First, some quick background on her. She was, at the time, a pro domme who was seeking a dominant male in her personal life. She was active in the bdsm community attending many gatherings. She was seeking, in part, balance in her personal life for her "professional" life.

The comment she made that's pertinent here is this. She said, "Switches are the most sane people she knows." I have always taken that as meaning that because switches understand that we are multifaceted beings, we understand that we have both dominant and submissive aspects to ourselves and embrace those differences rather that subvert or hide them.

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RE: Understanding a switch. - 3/2/2011 6:21:23 PM

Firebirdseeking

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I understand the sexual/BDSM dynamic of switching, or being a switch, but I dont understand how this operates outside the bedroom in a D/s relationship. Pardon my ignorance; but who makes decisions, who leads? Who follows? And if you "switch" back and forth, how is this different than a vanilla dynamic? I also have never posted in this section before, and these questions came up in a discussion with my Husband/Dominant.

(in reply to dbloomer)

RE: Understanding a switch. - 3/25/2011 1:12:04 AM

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I have to agree with Dbloomer as well ; my desires fluctuate and if I'm stuck in one role too long I get edgy. I like pain, all of it not just to give or recieve - but I can also get the vibes from the person I'm topping, it's very hot. I can't be one or the other all of the time, like normal people, I need a break - I don't expect my bottom to be "on" all of the time, nor me being on, I learned the hard way that I can burn out and I left the scene. Being older now, I realize my needs and wants with much more clarity and I am able to communicate on a better level. awesome thread.

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RE: Understanding a switch. - 3/31/2011 9:50:51 AM

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Thank you - that was quite succint.

I wish someone could PM me with the slave's mindset.

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RE: Understanding a switch. - 4/4/2011 2:44:56 PM

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BDSM runs on mutliple continuum. There is dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism to name two ;) My definition of a switch is someone who needs both sides of at least one of those two, if not both.

All switches a different.

Me? I'm 100% masochist, I cannot enjoy a relationship without my partner giving me some kind of physical pain. Second in line for me is sadism, I get ALMOST as much from giving as I do from taking pain. Dominance and submission is in general less important to me, and tends to reflect more how things work with my current partner.

For the switch to be understood they need to understand themselves, what of kink matters most to them. Switch encompasses all aspects of BDSM being caught in the middle in one large, overly broad term.

For this reason actually, I've begun referring to myself as a sadomasochist instead, as it more accurately reflects what matters to me about BDSM.

(in reply to thedavezone)

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