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Hello, this is all about me (long) - 7/23/2010 3:04:25 PM

Posts: 5
Joined: 5/28/2010
Status: offline

Hi there.   I'm a newcomer... kind of.   I've been 'lurking' the lifestyle for a long time.   A really long time.   If anyone remembers alt.bdsm on USENET, that would give you an idea.   Sorry I don't have a picture up yet- I'm working on that.

So, who am I? First off, I'll throw out that I'm married.   No playing around on that issue.   No, she doesn't know.   That's kind of the point, and I'll explain:

The allure of this lifestyle for me isn't about sex, it's about the issues of control or non-control.   I have a small business, and between that and a spouse who constantly depends on me for everything and can almost not even tie her shoes without me, good god I need a break.    Heading off to the bar or out on the boat... well, that's maybe a 2-hour *escape*, but it's not a *break*.    Does that make sense?

So, what I think I'm really seeking is a break from being in control, and to be controlled as therapy, catharsis, whatever it is. If I were pay a professional domme, I would view it like a psychotherapy appointment.   That being said, what specifics would I be into?   Rope play? CBT? Denial? Sensory deprivation?   I can't say 100%. I think I know which things intrigue me, which things look kind of boring, and which things are just... ewww.   But the items in the first category (what intrigues me), I can't really say for sure until I try them.   And to be honest, that first step is a bit scary.

I know the best way probably to get the feet wet is to find a munch and a no-participation-required play party to attend.   (Many thanks BTW to MisterMichael for sending info about the Louisville thing this weekend.. in fact, it was probably your email that propelled me to post, because I so wish I could take the time to attend- just too short a notice!).   So I'll keep my eyes open for another upcoming one.

So, thanks to everyone and thanks to whoever put up the site, it's a really great site.

RE: Hello, this is all about me (long) - 7/23/2010 3:43:44 PM

Posts: 494
Joined: 2/16/2009
From: New Jersey
Status: offline

How is your wife totally dependent on you? Is she an invalid? Does she suffer from depression?
In that case I can understand that you deserve a break and need a professional to help you cope. However, I don't believe a pro Domme is the professional you need. Seek a mental health professional to help you sort out your feelings and find a healthy way to cope.

Just because you don't want a sexual relationship outside of your marriage doesn't make it any less unhealthy and unfair to your wife and the woman whom with you would become involved.

I hope you can sort it all out but seeking a relationship with a Domme on this site to solve your problems is not the way to go.

_____________________________

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

(in reply to hangdog)

RE: Hello, this is all about me (long) - 7/23/2010 3:45:11 PM

Posts: 1
Joined: 7/14/2010
Status: offline

ONLY GIRL -ONLY GIRL PLEASE

(in reply to masmiss)

RE: Hello, this is all about me (long) - 7/23/2010 4:38:35 PM

Posts: 494
Joined: 2/16/2009
From: New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hartoyna

ONLY GIRL -ONLY GIRL PLEASE

Huh?

_____________________________

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

(in reply to hartoyna)

RE: Hello, this is all about me (long) - 7/23/2010 4:48:11 PM

Posts: 696
Joined: 3/23/2010
Status: offline

Welcome, i wish you well,but you wont get a good Domme with lies to your wife. If you find what you seek,wonderful,only hope your marriage that she doesnt find out and be ashamed of your needs and you for not being honest. Is it really worth it? ~ jewels

_____________________________

God grant me the serenity to accept people for who they are and not whom i wish they could be ~ jewels

(in reply to masmiss)

RE: Hello, this is all about me (long) - 7/24/2010 4:56:47 AM

Posts: 7723
Joined: 7/14/2010
Status: offline

Welcome hangdog, great name.
hartoyna, you should make a seperate introduction.

_____________________________

You may choc the choc.........Oh forget it......

(in reply to hangdog)

RE: Hello, this is all about me (long) - 7/24/2010 5:49:57 AM

Posts: 5
Joined: 5/28/2010
Status: offline

Well, I guess I'm the asshole, huh?

Really? I'm kind of surprised at the reception here.     A few responses:

No, I don't need any fucking therapy.   You see, the point is- I know exactly what my issues are.    I did years of soul-searching before posting this, so I knew exactly why I was here.   I live a life where I go from dealing with fighting or substance-abusing employees 8 hours a day, to a home life where I'm helping my spouse find her keys/purse because she can't lay them down in the same place twice, researching and proving the latest scam letter she got was indeed a scam, assuring her that the person who wronged her this week didn't really mean it (is this still high school?), etc.    It's a crushing pressure.   Sure, I could go see a conventional therapist and tell them all this, but duh... I know EXACTLY what's bothering me, so what's the point? I need a solution.

Bring the wife into the scene? Well, (a) that kind of defeats the purpose of escape. Even if she did accept it and join up (this is the bible belt), I'd spend more energy explaining everything and more hand-holding would be required.

Don't get me wrong- I love my wife, and the sex is great.   I'm just living in this pressure cooker and have observed a potential release valve sitting there for ~20 years.   But I guess that makes me the asshole.

No, I guess I shouldn't have said shit about myself and just come on the board saying, "Hey, I need a hot pro domme for CBT", and I would have gotten a warmer "Welcome to CM!" response, like this guy....http://www.collarchat.com/m_3326622/tm.htm

I've learned a lot more in the last day about the community than I have lurking it all this time. Fascinating.

(in reply to OohAahMrs)

RE: Hello, this is all about me (long) - 7/24/2010 5:58:46 AM

realwhiteknight

Posts: 428
Joined: 7/13/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hangdog

Well, I guess I'm the asshole, huh?

Really? I'm kind of surprised at the reception here.     A few responses:

No, I don't need any fucking therapy.   You see, the point is- I know exactly what my issues are.    I did years of soul-searching before posting this, so I knew exactly why I was here.   I live a life where I go from dealing with fighting or substance-abusing employees 8 hours a day, to a home life where I'm helping my spouse find her keys/purse because she can't lay them down in the same place twice, researching and proving the latest scam letter she got was indeed a scam, assuring her that the person who wronged her this week didn't really mean it (is this still high school?), etc.    It's a crushing pressure.   Sure, I could go see a conventional therapist and tell them all this, but duh... I know EXACTLY what's bothering me, so what's the point? I need a solution.

Bring the wife into the scene? Well, (a) that kind of defeats the purpose of escape. Even if she did accept it and join up (this is the bible belt), I'd spend more energy explaining everything and more hand-holding would be required.

Don't get me wrong- I love my wife, and the sex is great.   I'm just living in this pressure cooker and have observed a potential release valve sitting there for ~20 years.   But I guess that makes me the asshole.

You've been married that long, and *I* still can't even find a date? MAN I must be doing something wrong. Hm.

Seriously though, it sounds like your wife has possibly some mental health issues, maybe nothing that big, possibly ADD, possibly a tad of bipolar- certainly and obviously I am not a doctor. You *really* need to either enter couples counseling or urge her to seek help and you will support her through it. Before you do anything stupid. Don't mess this up now, after all you've invested. You sounds pretty strong for getting this far. Just my 2

. Good luck.

_____________________________

I carry a log - yes. Is it funny to you? It is not to me.

Behind all things are reasons. Reasons can even explain the absurd. Do we have the time to learn the reasons behind the human being's varied behavior? I think not. Some take the time.

(in reply to hangdog)

RE: Hello, this is all about me (long) - 7/24/2010 6:21:41 AM

Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hangdog

Really? I'm kind of surprised at the reception here.

Hello hangdog,

May I suggest you have a look at this thread http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=3310030

You will find that many folks,myself included, have a problem with partnering up with someone who can't be honest with their spouse...for whatever reason.

Enjoy your stay.

(in reply to hangdog)

RE: Hello, this is all about me (long) - 7/24/2010 6:28:39 AM

Posts: 494
Joined: 2/16/2009
From: New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hangdog

Well, I guess I'm the asshole, huh?

Really? I'm kind of surprised at the reception here.     A few responses:

No, I don't need any fucking therapy.   You see, the point is- I know exactly what my issues are.    I did years of soul-searching before posting this, so I knew exactly why I was here.   I live a life where I go from dealing with fighting or substance-abusing employees 8 hours a day, to a home life where I'm helping my spouse find her keys/purse because she can't lay them down in the same place twice, researching and proving the latest scam letter she got was indeed a scam, assuring her that the person who wronged her this week didn't really mean it (is this still high school?), etc.    It's a crushing pressure.   Sure, I could go see a conventional therapist and tell them all this, but duh... I know EXACTLY what's bothering me, so what's the point? I need a solution.

Bring the wife into the scene? Well, (a) that kind of defeats the purpose of escape. Even if she did accept it and join up (this is the bible belt), I'd spend more energy explaining everything and more hand-holding would be required.

Don't get me wrong- I love my wife, and the sex is great.   I'm just living in this pressure cooker and have observed a potential release valve sitting there for ~20 years.   But I guess that makes me the asshole.

No, I guess I shouldn't have said shit about myself and just come on the board saying, "Hey, I need a hot pro domme for CBT", and I would have gotten a warmer "Welcome to CM!" response, like this guy....http://www.collarchat.com/m_3326622/tm.htm

I've learned a lot more in the last day about the community than I have lurking it all this time. Fascinating.

The only conclusion I can now come to about your situation is that your wife is a very attractive air-head who you want to keep around for the hot sex but other than that she drives you f**king crazy and you need a "release valve". So, you come to Collar Me figuring we kinky folk are trashy and immoral and will assist you in your quest to cheat on her.

So, now your're pissed off that it turns out most of us are decent, moral folks who want a solid, trustworthy relationship.

Good luck to you in your life.

_____________________________

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

(in reply to hangdog)

RE: Hello, this is all about me (long) - 7/24/2010 7:27:52 AM

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: masmiss
your're pissed off that it turns out most of us are decent, moral folks who want a solid, trustworthy relationship.

Not all of us!!!

But the OP has too much testosterone for me...

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to masmiss)

RE: Hello, this is all about me (long) - 7/24/2010 7:33:02 AM

Posts: 494
Joined: 2/16/2009
From: New Jersey
Status: offline

You're not decent?

Oh, the disappointment!

BTW, how much is "too much" testosterone?

_____________________________

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Hello, this is all about me (long) - 7/24/2010 7:44:09 AM

Posts: 4880
Joined: 5/10/2006
From: Moosecrotch, Va
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hangdog

Well, I guess I'm the asshole, huh?

Really? I'm kind of surprised at the reception here.     A few responses:

No, I don't need any fucking therapy.   You see, the point is- I know exactly what my issues are.    I did years of soul-searching before posting this, so I knew exactly why I was here.   I live a life where I go from dealing with fighting or substance-abusing employees 8 hours a day, to a home life where I'm helping my spouse find her keys/purse because she can't lay them down in the same place twice, researching and proving the latest scam letter she got was indeed a scam, assuring her that the person who wronged her this week didn't really mean it (is this still high school?), etc.    It's a crushing pressure.   Sure, I could go see a conventional therapist and tell them all this, but duh... I know EXACTLY what's bothering me, so what's the point? I need a solution.

Bring the wife into the scene? Well, (a) that kind of defeats the purpose of escape. Even if she did accept it and join up (this is the bible belt), I'd spend more energy explaining everything and more hand-holding would be required.

Don't get me wrong- I love my wife, and the sex is great.   I'm just living in this pressure cooker and have observed a potential release valve sitting there for ~20 years.   But I guess that makes me the asshole.

No, I guess I shouldn't have said shit about myself and just come on the board saying, "Hey, I need a hot pro domme for CBT", and I would have gotten a warmer "Welcome to CM!" response, like this guy....http://www.collarchat.com/m_3326622/tm.htm

I've learned a lot more in the last day about the community than I have lurking it all this time. Fascinating.

Most every relationship requires trust. Whether its you and your stock broker, you and your doctor, or you and your best friend. This lifestyle is no different. Its not a matter of not getting a warm welcome. The fact is there is a member of the party that is unknowing, and possibly unwilling that may get hurt. No one wants to see that happen. I think thats what everyone is getting at.

At any rate, welcome to the boards. I do hope you find what makes you happy. This is a lovely place to be once ya get used to it.

_____________________________

Hibbie's Hottie

The next time you think I give a fuck, remember the 3 F's... Unless you are Feeding me, Financing me, or Fucking me, I don't give a fuck!!

"Kyttyn: The Other White Meat!" - DRH

10 Miles of Hot Chocolate Lovin'.

(in reply to hangdog)

RE: Hello, this is all about me (long) - 7/24/2010 7:49:00 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline

You have just set yourself up to become the public whipping boy, and not in a good way. When people mention they're married and cheating, the claws come out, and the poster is then drawn quartered, gutted, dragged through the mud, and then eviscerated again.

There's no tolerance or very little, here for cheaters.

Better get your flame retardant suit on, you're in for a roasting.

quote:

ORIGINAL: hangdog
First off, I'll throw out that I'm married. No playing around on that issue. No, she doesn't know.

(in reply to hangdog)

RE: Hello, this is all about me (long) - 7/24/2010 8:32:48 AM

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Good luck in your search. You are right... your choices are not the choices of other posters. However, people will air their opinions. It's what a message board is, after all.

As for your link. There are two responses (one of which is mine). Please notice that neither one of them gave the man what he was asking for.

There is at least one well-liked regular poster on here (or used to be) who is married and also does not bring his wife into things. It is *your* relationship, and I wish you luck with it.

Also, the women on CM tend to be inundated with notes. There are a bazillion sub. men who are looking for a dom lady. Your best bet may be a pro-domme if that is what you wish.

The one caveat I would add is this. If you should choose to follow through on this course, what will happen if / when your wife finds out? Your job? (both things you've brought up)... There is something to the physicality of this. There may be some wiggle ro... no, you specifically said you had thought this through.

Good luck,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to Toppingfrmbottom)

RE: Hello, this is all about me (long) - 7/24/2010 8:37:24 AM

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: masmiss

You're not decent?

Oh, the disappointment!

BTW, how much is "too much" testosterone?

Well, when it comes with a penis attached...

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to masmiss)

RE: Hello, this is all about me (long) - 7/24/2010 9:29:46 AM

Posts: 8596
Joined: 12/16/2006
Status: offline

If you've been lurking for more than a week, you'd have seen many smackdowns just like your thread.

Something else for you to consider is what type of play you'd do, and what kind of marks that play would leave. Do you have an easy excuse for bruises on your cock and/or balls? Ass? Little things like that.

Unless you fornicate with the lights off....

quote:

ORIGINAL: hangdog
I've learned a lot more in the last day about the community than I have lurking it all this time. Fascinating.

(in reply to hangdog)

RE: Hello, this is all about me (long) - 7/24/2010 9:41:00 AM

Posts: 5
Joined: 5/28/2010
Status: offline

"The only conclusion I can now come to about your situation is that your wife is a very attractive air-head who you want to keep around for the hot sex but other than that she drives you f**king crazy and you need a "release valve". So, you come to Collar Me figuring we kinky folk are trashy and immoral and will assist you in your quest to cheat on her."

OK, 1) If you read the OP, you would have realized that I said I have had an interest in the lifestyle for 20 years, so your "figuring we kinky folk are.." is wayyyyyy off base.    BDSM has NOTHING to do with morality or immorality, any more than what color shirt I choose to wear.   Please give me credit for educating myself instead of just coming here as a complete newbie, please.

2). I'm a bit confused by this repeated references to 'cheating.' Perhaps I've drawn the wrong conclusion from 20 years of lurking but I thought BDSM wasn't about sex.   Sometimes there is a crossover, but that's not the point (and in my case, it's definitely not the point... the point about 'too much testosteron' was, frankly, quite insulting and hurt my feelings).   Would I be witholding a secret from my spouse?    Yes.    Is that abnormal in a marital relationship?   Get real. How much did that dress really cost?   Did you really work till 7, or did you stop by the bar to see the guys?   Does that outfit really make you look fat?    Did what you say really hurt my feelings?

Sure, sure, what I'm proposing is somewhere in the middle between a little white lie (no, that outfit doesn't make you look fat) and whole-hog going out and enlisting the services of a prostitute.   I fully acknowledge what it is, and given the long history of people not being honest about their situation, I felt it was important to lay out out for everyone and be upfront (and I don't regret that decision, regardless of the response).

But no, I don't consider the community somehow full of immoral people, but I see lots of profiles where people are married but don't mention their spouses as being part of the scene, or aware of it.   But if I'm really such an outlying point (and I don't think I am), then I happily withdraw my "Introduction" post.

But for god's sake, don't accuse me of thinking things about the community that I clearly don't.   That's the biggest insult of all.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

RE: Hello, this is all about me (long) - 7/24/2010 9:55:03 AM

DaddysInkedSlut

Posts: 1837
Joined: 5/14/2010
Status: offline

OP

Welcome to the forums. These lines in your last post caught my attention.

quote:

Perhaps I've drawn the wrong conclusion from 20 years of lurking but I thought BDSM wasn't about sex.

I am one of those that believes that you have to have sex to cheat on your spouse. I believe that you can have an emotional affair which IMO is far worse than having a nameless sexual encounter with a perfect stranger.

quote:

Would I be witholding a secret from my spouse? Yes. Is that abnormal in a marital relationship? Get real. How much did that dress really cost? Did you really work till 7, or did you stop by the bar to see the guys? Does that outfit really make you look fat? Did what you say really hurt my feelings?

I don't believe that keeping secrets in a relationship is healthy regardless of what that secret is. If lying about a little thing comes easy to my partner that tells me that lying about big things will come easily as well. I much prefer a relationship with open and honest communication. If I look fat in my jeans I expect my partner to tell me, if I have something green in my teeth I expect my partner to tell me and vice versa.

< Message edited by DaddysInkedSlut -- 7/24/2010 10:02:36 AM >

_____________________________

Inkie Goodness!

http://www.freakmommas3.com/daddysinkedslut/main.htm

(in reply to hangdog)

RE: Hello, this is all about me (long) - 7/24/2010 10:02:20 AM

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hangdog

Well, I guess I'm the asshole, huh?

Really? I'm kind of surprised at the reception here.     A few responses:

No, I don't need any fucking therapy.   You see, the point is- I know exactly what my issues are.    I did years of soul-searching before posting this, so I knew exactly why I was here.   I live a life where I go from dealing with fighting or substance-abusing employees 8 hours a day, to a home life where I'm helping my spouse find her keys/purse because she can't lay them down in the same place twice, researching and proving the latest scam letter she got was indeed a scam, assuring her that the person who wronged her this week didn't really mean it (is this still high school?), etc.    It's a crushing pressure.   Sure, I could go see a conventional therapist and tell them all this, but duh... I know EXACTLY what's bothering me, so what's the point? I need a solution.

Bring the wife into the scene? Well, (a) that kind of defeats the purpose of escape. Even if she did accept it and join up (this is the bible belt), I'd spend more energy explaining everything and more hand-holding would be required.

Don't get me wrong- I love my wife, and the sex is great.   I'm just living in this pressure cooker and have observed a potential release valve sitting there for ~20 years.   But I guess that makes me the asshole.

No, I guess I shouldn't have said shit about myself and just come on the board saying, "Hey, I need a hot pro domme for CBT", and I would have gotten a warmer "Welcome to CM!" response, like this guy....http://www.collarchat.com/m_3326622/tm.htm

I've learned a lot more in the last day about the community than I have lurking it all this time. Fascinating.

You know, your post is the only kind of post that pisses me off; actually it is your reaction that pisses me off. I am all for people coming here to ask opinions.

However, you have responded like a petulant defensive child when given opinions you did not like.

Having a problem or needing advice does not make you an asshole; reacting the way you are is making you one.

If you lurked for a long time you should know the very essence of a message board is opinions are like the asshole you mentioned, everyone has one and you can either yell at everyone for disagreeing with you or graciously listen and take or not take the advice/opinions given.

(in reply to hangdog)

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