Slaveboiz
Posts: 38
Joined: 4/19/2005
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WHERE DO I FIT IN?
Understanding stereotyping as a community and as individuals
Introduction: Since the early nineties the community has experienced a huge influx of people. During this presentation we will explore stereotyping verses prejudices. We will also look at how and why we stereotype as a community and as individuals. How dangerous is stereotyping and what do we do to prevent it? Lets take a look at the various types of stereotypes found in our community
Stereotypes a general view We often find these stereotypes in relation to our community in terms of relationship dynamics (D/s verses M/s), sexual orientation and play styles. Beyond that we see stereotypes on various levels. When we divide the community in to categories we find that even within those categories there are more stereotypes.
Prejudices, on the other hand are judgments made by an individual or group of individuals pertaining to another before all the facts are known. It is an opinion made with no regards to the facts even when disputing information is available. Lastly it is an unreasonable bias, intolerance or irrational hatred.
Most often then not prejudices are based on a “fear response” For example: A heterosexual male may have a prejudice against homosexual males out of fear that they will made sexual advances thus putting into question the manliness of the Het male.
When looking at the differences in stereotyping and prejudice we find ourselves in a quagmire. On one hand we want to see ourselves as open and tolerant. There is this drive to unite the community rather then to create dividing lines that foster separatism, stereotypes and prejudices. It’s like a cat chasing its tail. We will do a lot work in the area of wanting our community to be one big happy family or tribe, but in reality the more we try, the farther we get from our goal. Why, because inherently we will gravitate towards those individuals that look similar to us in thought, behavior and needs. In essence this is the natural order of things.
These alliances can foster a sense of prejudice and intolerance. If you need evidence of this just sit in a room full of long term masters and slaves and ask them about online submission or the Gorean lifestyle and then watch and listen to their responses. This is stereotyping at its best. I suppose the next question to ask is what do we do with stereotyping? So I offer you this. It’s ok to stereotype as long as it isn’t out of fear or the need to feel superior to another.
We often find this true when referring to Tops/ bottoms Dominance and submission and masters and slaves. We are constantly reminding each other not to judge and to be tolerant.
What do we do with external stereotypes? I believe that when we use stereotypes to assist us in understanding ourselves or in determining our comfort level with in the greater community. Stereotyping can assist us in our growth but only for that purpose and not as a way of elevating ourselves above others; doing so will only causes a fear response to others who look and behave differently.
Breaking external stereotypes: If we can openly acknowledge our own need to stereotype we stand a better chance of avoiding it. Taking an honest look at where our comfort zone is, as well as where we are at in our journey with regards to D/s and SM, we can then begin to look outside our comfort zone. We can also begin by looking at our irrational fear responses to those who may appear different from us. In doing so we are more able to accurately weigh the value of expanding our circle.
Looking at others as individuals and not the group is also helpful. We are forever saying, “ Its their relationship and it works for them” while at the same time we find ourselves judging the correctness of that relationship.
Choosing what is of value to you and leaving the rest is another way to break stereotypes. In many areas there are so few viable groups that support the community concept of education, support and growth, one finds themselves with few options. If you understand your base needs with regards to community then the differences with in any group become more individualized For example: You may prefer an gay male leather group as apposed to a pansexual group but by being open to the pansexual group you will find some people that you can connect with. Here we see the value of the individual verses the group as a whole.
Being respectful is also a plus when breaking stereotypes. As we offer a sense of respect it has been proven that respect is then returned in kind. Part of that respect entails taking what is referred to as a “nonjudgmental stance” or taking a defenseless stance with regards to others who do not share our particular views.
Never assume you know. This is so crucial to breaking stereotypes. You may think you know why a group is unwilling to take in others who have different views or need different things or if an individual need to separate from the larger community but unless you are able and willing to explore and accept those reasons it is best not to make assumptions as to the motives of any group or individual.
Be aware of how others view you, and most of all be compassionate.
We have talked a lot about group and community stereotypes now lets shift things a little to internal stereotyping
Internal stereotypes: Internal stereotyping is how we view ourselves in relation to our partners and our community. In the case of D/s or M/s it is how we view our roles with in the relationship. It is usually as a result of a lack of experience and a clear understanding what makes up this role. Internal stereotyping is most often a kin to the fantasy roles we see in the media, in fictional D/s books or online experiences.
We are inundated with what we are supposed to look and feel like in our roles by our communities and by the media.
Again it is preconceived ideas or notions of what we are supposed to be with little or no regard to our individuality. We do this a lot with regards to the labels we choose to quickly describe who we are in relation to the greater community.
As of late I am happy to say that as part of an ever changing and growing community we are openly experiencing a wider array of personal identities. We are offered more choices with regards to labels and relationship dynamics but as with any label no matter how broad a description they offer us we are still trapped by the stereotypes that come along with them.
On the other side of that we are still in need of labels as a way to help others more appropriately interact with us. This is done generally as a way to make other feel more comfortable but says nothing to our individuality.
Take for example the slave depicted in the Marketplace series the Sleeping Beauty or the Story of O just to name a few fictional depictions of Mastery and slavery. Then there is our communities view of what a Master slave relationship is supposed to look like neither one helps us get any closer to what our Master and slave relationships really are
The result of Internal stereotyping: The result of internal stereotyping is that we paint and impossible picture for ourselves. Internal stereotyping is not just something slaves do but also what Masters do as well. We often allow others to determine the correctness of our relationship in terms of our behaviors.
For example: Ten years ago it would not have been acceptable for me to give a class on Master slave relationships or for me to be one of the driving forces in a successful BDSM group. On the other side of the fence it would not be ok for a Master to admit loving his or her property.
The community and media’s notions of what is a “true slave” or a “true Master” is has a direct impact on how we shape or own thoughts and behaviors. But what if you want to love your property or what if you have the skill and heart to lead a group or teach a class. What if as a Master you have challenges in any area of your Mastery. Or what if you have a disability that challenges the communities view of what service is? Furthermore, What if your personal challenges, either physical or emotional, does not fall in line with what a slave should be or what a master should be?
Whether internal or external stereotypes can be damaging in the individual nature of any M/s relationship and the combination of any of these can cause huge issues for the Master and the slave.
What we see happen is a resistance to share with others for fear of being judged. For example: a female Master my be looked upon as not a master at all and a submissive male maybe looked upon as not really being a sub or only in the relationship to get sex. There is always some that will live up to these stereotypes but there are many who don’t
The danger here is that if we are not accepted in the community at large as having individualistic thoughts and ideas concerning our mastery or our slavery we tend to hide those parts of ourselves that need attention and support. It forces us to subdivide into groups, thus creating more division within our communities in a time when we are looking for guidance and support. It causes us to think in terms of “us and them”, causing us to judge one another rather then support each other. In addition, it causes us to deny the real parts of ourselves, we become less real in our relationship and we set up expectations that just can’t be achieved.
So how does one resist Internal stereotyping? Experience and exposure are two key elements for setting up a realistic approach to your relationship. Looking for ways to have real time encounters with other Masters and slaves and with other segments of the community. It is also helpful to setting up real time support networks for both you and your slave. Knowing one’s self in terms of wants needs, desires and expectations is another way of resist stereotyping. Positive self-talk is another way to decrease internal stereotyping. It’s ok not to be perfect and or be human to fall down and get back up and try again. If this is true a personal and spiritual journey, part of that journey is learning who and what we are and being true to ones self
Conclusion: If we understand that there will always be some form of stereotyping, either internal or external we stand a better chance of resisting it. We break down stereotypes by being who we are. Remember the goal is to succeed while feeling good about ourselves our partners and our community.
As always thank you for your time and consideration
slave ziggy
Sorry about the drafted copy that may have hit the message board.. i think this fixes that one lol..
< Message edited by Slaveboiz -- 4/18/2006 7:55:00 AM >
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