Greetings to all and a request for advice....

Greetings to all and a request for advice.... (Full Version)

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BBWsubinFL -> Greetings to all and a request for advice.... (4/19/2006 8:22:35 AM)
I am new here, but have been exploring my submissive side for many years...still not sure if I am truly submissive or if it's ok for play and not much else. In any case my husband considers himself a Dom....and I just plain consider him to be a reckless hack(we married based on the vanilla relationship)....I dread giving into a play session because I always come out of it damaged, crying and considering divorce...last night was supposed to be light breast bondage and I am now bruised all the way around both breasts and missing layers of skin in several places and that was just half of the damage done...he acted like he he felt bad afterward, but I've known him long enough to know he was just trying to gain back enough trust in order to keep his toy bag for a possible future session and this morning he was treating the whole thing like it was some big joke to laugh about. Like a drunken 14 year old with keys to Daddy's porsche....there is no research or thought process in anything that he does and it's scary. I have told him in the past that maybe we should just focus on our vanilla marriage and if he really feels that he needs to 'hurt' someone that he is free to seek someone who is into that sort of thing(according to him there was someone who thought he was the best thing on this planet when it came to BDSM before we met) and to be fair I can date someone on my time...we tried it because he wanted to go to swing clubs for variety and I wanted more of a regular partner/friend/safe place, but because I am naturally attracted to Dominant men he flipped when I found one and went as far as pulling the starter out of my car and threatening to run off with our kids if I did not end the relationship with the Dom and start swinging with him...apparently he met someone too...but I was part of the deal because he was using me as bait to attract people to him, we came very close to seperating after that, but he promised to stop the talk about swinging and offered to throw away the toy bag if I stayed..that lasted until he felt the Dom I had met was safely no longer interested in me. So now he just assumes that since we are married and he is' Dom' that I must submit to him....and suffer the abuse that he doles out...in all actuality I would prefer to save this marriage on the vanilla level if at all possible(as of today I think there might be a 20% chance that I'll last a full 5 years with him...pretty grim considering our 5 year anniversary is at the year end) As of today I have ZERO interest in ever 'playing' with him again...do I force him into counseling so he stops trying to torture me like a bug under a magnifying glass or do I switch things up on him and let him suffer the same things he does to me...or is it me? I'm not into the whips and chains, paddles and crops...but I am into the mental, emotional and sexual aspects of the lifestyle....maybe he is being normal and I am being uptight...I just don't know.

flowered -> RE: Greetings to all and a request for advice.... (4/19/2006 9:39:08 AM)
Nothing to do with you- he sounds less like a Dom and more like someone you should run from- I am new to this, but I could have sworn true Doms respected limits and this guy sounds like he does not. You could very well be a subbmissive, I would just say your husband is less a Dom, and more of a bully. My advice is leave.....by the way, do you practice a safe word?

flowered -> RE: Greetings to all and a request for advice.... (4/19/2006 9:49:44 AM)
quote: I'm not into the whips and chains, paddles and crops...but I am into the mental, emotional and sexual aspects of the lifestyle....maybe he is being normal and I am being uptight...I just don't know. That sounds like D/s, the part I love....he seems more intent on s/m, which is entirely different. D/s is beautiful............try it with someone interested in D/s and not pain.

sweetbbwsub31 -> RE: Greetings to all and a request for advice.... (4/19/2006 10:49:54 AM)
If he is hurting you and you are not enjoying it then you are not being "uptight". From what you describe, it seems you are in an abusive relationship. Tell him what you want and what you enjoy. If he doesn't respect that get out of the relationship especially if there are children involved. Just my opinion. Good luck sweetie.

LaTigresse -> RE: Greetings to all and a request for advice.... (4/19/2006 11:14:59 AM)
Usually I don't like to tell someone what I think they should do unless I know all the facts. However, I must agree with the other ladies. The guy is not a true Dominant at all, he is a mean bully for which I have no tollerance. From what you have said I see no reason to continue this relationship. Otherwise, do not be surprised if he turns similar behaviour towards the children you mentioned. I would also use your marks as evidence to protect yourself. Seek an attorney and ask their advise. Don't be embarrassed they have heard it all before.....and then some.

MasterMichelle -> RE: Greetings to all and a request for advice.... (4/19/2006 11:23:34 AM)
"...he acted like he he felt bad afterward, but I've known him long enough to know he was just trying to gain back enough trust in order to keep his toy bag for a possible future session..." What this says to Me is that he is displaying typical patterns seen in an abusive relationship.."he acted like he felt bad afterward" ....and you know he is "I've know him long enough...". I know I may seem harsh, but you cannot live your life in an abusive situation. There are MANY caring, responsible Dominants out there who would be Honored to receive your gift of submission, give you respect as a submissive, and see the beauty in what you have to offer instead of a human form to abuse and DAMAGE. Research the traits of an abusive relationship-try starting here- (http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/healthy_abusive.htm). And remember that submission comes from a strong place in which you take care of yourself and your minor children FIRST. Love to you! MM

proudsub -> RE: Greetings to all and a request for advice.... (4/19/2006 2:04:16 PM)
quote: So now he just assumes that since we are married and he is' Dom' that I must submit to him....and suffer the abuse that he doles out.. You hit the nail on the head--it's abuse if it's not consensual. It sounds like you need to communicate better with him, let him know what you enjoy and what you don't, and have a safe word and be assured that he will honor it. If he is more of a sadist than you are a masochist, which is the way it sounds, then he may not be the right one for you or you may agree to each be with others and maybe still save your marriage.JMHO

bandit25 -> RE: Greetings to all and a request for advice.... (4/19/2006 2:08:51 PM)
It's definitely NOT you. Don't stay a minute more than you absolutely must.

CmotDribbler -> RE: Greetings to all and a request for advice.... (4/19/2006 9:53:27 PM)
My advice, divorce his sorry abusive ass! You say you don't want to play, but you realize he is playing Mind Games. as you said, "he was just trying to gain back enough trust in order to keep his toy bag for a possible future session" That is not the way, I believe, it should be. He is supposed to respect you just as much as you respect him, that is part of a vanilla relationship, just as much as a BDSM one. "pulling the starter out of my car and threatening to run off with our kids" "am now bruised all the way around both breasts and missing layers of skin in several places and that was just half of the damage done" "that lasted until he felt the Dom I had met was safely no longer interested in me." none of these, and other examples you use show any sign of him respecting you as a sub, or as a wife. In any relationship, each party should have the ability to say no, and make their own decisions, and not be treated as a lesser being by the other party. By my recolection of what you have wrote, he is an abusive power hungry child, who wants to play with his toy, not a man worthy of anyeone submitting themselves either through body, mind or soul too.

cariad -> RE: Greetings to all and a request for advice.... (4/19/2006 10:22:08 PM)
reading this post has brought tears to girls eyes because she went through this 15yrs ago with her now ex husband.....girl got wise the third time He apologised and tried to woo her with flowers, candy, the "Oh honey I'm so sorry and I promise not to do it again." girl wised up, took her kid and went to an emergency room with bruises galore, explained to the doctor what had happened and that she wanted out. the doctor called the police and sadly because of His so called mental illness He couldn't be charged but was sent to see a shrink, and in the mean time girl was in a shelter with a baby scared to leave to work or look for a home to live in. finally girl got a home, a restraining order and although it didn't do much good she told her building manager about Him, what He looked like and that He had another girl that this one was terrified would be mamed, abused and damaged like girl had been. sweety, please for your sake and the children's get out now while you can and get help to put this behind you....as was said in a post above, get a lawyer, go to the doctor and have him document everything, bruises, cuts, abrasions (sp) and then tell him that you want help and by law they have to help you and the kids. please feel free to message girl on the site and she will give you her email addy to talk to off here if you wish. he is being an abusive person and you are better than a punching bag .... Abuse: is NOT wanted, NOT needed and definitely NOT something you should put up with. the lifestyle is geared around safe, sane and consentual, but while we all know that what we do is not always safe or sane, if it is NOT wanted it is NOT consentual. A "TRUE" Dom will respect your limits, will insist on you having a safeword, or safe signal if you slip into subspace or are not able to talk for any reason. sure a "TRUE" Dom will push your limits but will do so slowly, respectfully and if you by chance do use your safe word will STOP the scene, make sure you are ok and talk to you about what happened. in girls opinion, this person sounds more like an abusive male than a Dominant. Blessed Be

slaveofdarkhold -> RE: Greetings to all and a request for advice.... (4/20/2006 5:39:48 AM)
GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!!

Lashra -> RE: Greetings to all and a request for advice.... (4/20/2006 7:32:07 AM)
For your own safety and sanity get out. This guy isn't a Dom, he's an abuser there is a BIG difference between the two. If you've got children they are being affected by this acidic relationship as well. If you can't do it for yourself do it for your KIDS they should come before anyone, even yourself. ~Lashra

Proprietrix -> RE: Greetings to all and a request for advice.... (4/20/2006 4:06:03 PM)
This is not Dominance and submission. This is abuse. You are not being his submissive. You are being his abused spouse. He is not being your Dominant. He is being your abuser. This is not kinky. This is domestic violence. You seem like a smart lady. I have no doubt that you will take the necessary steps to get yourself and your children out of an abusive home. You took the first step by coming here to find out if what is going on is "normal" for Dominant/submissive relationships. Now you know that it is neither normal, nor acceptable. It's time to take the next step and get away from this man. See your local battered women's shelter, attorney, police department, or doctor for more help. If you need a lawyer or doctor who is "kink aware", I would refer you here to find lifestyle friendly professionals. http://www.ncsfreedom.org/kap/mainlist.htm Good luck.

BBWsubinFL -> RE: Greetings to all and a request for advice.... (4/20/2006 7:23:03 PM)
Thanks to all for the advice...the toy bag is going in the trash...just need to time it's disposal so the older child isn't wondering 'WTF?' as he drags the heavy can to the street. After that I don't know....my brother's family/newborn has been in crisis and I just haven't been able to think about much else.

LadyJulieAnn -> RE: Greetings to all and a request for advice.... (4/20/2006 7:30:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BBWsubinFL I am new here, but have been exploring my submissive side for many years...still not sure if I am truly submissive or if it's ok for play and not much else. In any case my husband considers himself a Dom....and I just plain consider him to be a reckless hack(we married based on the vanilla relationship)....I dread giving into a play session because I always come out of it damaged, crying and considering divorce...last night was supposed to be light breast bondage and I am now bruised all the way around both breasts and missing layers of skin in several places and that was just half of the damage done...he acted like he he felt bad afterward, but I've known him long enough to know he was just trying to gain back enough trust in order to keep his toy bag for a possible future session and this morning he was treating the whole thing like it was some big joke to laugh about. Like a drunken 14 year old with keys to Daddy's porsche....there is no research or thought process in anything that he does and it's scary. I have told him in the past that maybe we should just focus on our vanilla marriage and if he really feels that he needs to 'hurt' someone that he is free to seek someone who is into that sort of thing(according to him there was someone who thought he was the best thing on this planet when it came to BDSM before we met) and to be fair I can date someone on my time...we tried it because he wanted to go to swing clubs for variety and I wanted more of a regular partner/friend/safe place, but because I am naturally attracted to Dominant men he flipped when I found one and went as far as pulling the starter out of my car and threatening to run off with our kids if I did not end the relationship with the Dom and start swinging with him...apparently he met someone too...but I was part of the deal because he was using me as bait to attract people to him, we came very close to seperating after that, but he promised to stop the talk about swinging and offered to throw away the toy bag if I stayed..that lasted until he felt the Dom I had met was safely no longer interested in me. So now he just assumes that since we are married and he is' Dom' that I must submit to him....and suffer the abuse that he doles out...in all actuality I would prefer to save this marriage on the vanilla level if at all possible(as of today I think there might be a 20% chance that I'll last a full 5 years with him...pretty grim considering our 5 year anniversary is at the year end) As of today I have ZERO interest in ever 'playing' with him again...do I force him into counseling so he stops trying to torture me like a bug under a magnifying glass or do I switch things up on him and let him suffer the same things he does to me...or is it me? I'm not into the whips and chains, paddles and crops...but I am into the mental, emotional and sexual aspects of the lifestyle....maybe he is being normal and I am being uptight...I just don't know. You want to save this marriage on a vanilla level? Why? What do you get out of the "vanilla" side of things? I seriously doubt that this relationship is healthy whether you call it vanilla or D/s. Be well, Julie

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Greetings to all and a request for advice.... (4/23/2006 1:54:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BBWsubinFL Thanks to all for the advice...the toy bag is going in the trash...just need to time it's disposal so the older child isn't wondering 'WTF?' as he drags the heavy can to the street. After that I don't know....my brother's family/newborn has been in crisis and I just haven't been able to think about much else. ...Crisis or not going on within the family..it seems to me that another is occurring.We,I am sorry to say cannot pick convenient times on when to handle difficulties within our lives..Just do what you need to do, before it worsens or it is too late..life usually sorts itself out in the end..be well..and safe..tempting

nurseroseOKC -> RE: Greetings to all and a request for advice.... (4/27/2006 11:58:21 AM)
Please tell me you are now out of that house, and far far away from him. Let me just reiterate the common theme here. This IS abuse. This IS NOT submission. If you continue to stay you are not being a sub you are letting yourself become a victim. If you need help, or numbers please e-mail me. I have friends all over that State. I may not have it right when you ask for it, but chances are I will have someone who does. You need to get out and get somewhere safe. Please keep us updated as to whats going on.

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