RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (Full Version)

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BLKMADONA -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 8:34:01 AM)

In reply to this topic(yall mite wanna get a cig n coffee..this mite take awhile. I am in the same position as the poster. I tell u what...sometimes u have to do what u have to do for U!. My hub is fully aware of what I like..but is vanilla. I have tried n tried to be by my side in this lifestyle. It aint happening! So u know what..I handled it myself! There is NO SEXUAL penetration going on(he does not penetrate me), other than the use of the strapon. Thus Im content in our roles in this lifestyle. Am I nieve to think my hub will say otherwise..nope...I have thought..and weighed it thru. Will I tell him I have sessions...nope. Im fully aware of what can happen..and quite frankly...will stand tall and take whatever happens.Do I feel guilty..not in the least. Still..nevertheless doesnt mean that I dont love hub....just means sometimes..the only person who will look out for u is well..U! For those who say or think "then I shouldnt have gotten married...or I should divorce" I say...its easy to point to the "other person" but before u do...let me see u cast the first stone! Im well aware that this is an opinion forum and will accept any critisizim I mite get...lol..and quite frankly...I really dont care either...lololol...

I wish everyone the best of luck.

PS. But before u do, make DAM sure u and ur Dom/sub have an understanding..its all risky..but hey..we take risks all our lives..thus why its called LIFE!



CrappyDom -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 8:40:50 AM)

Kitten,

I need help creating a string of women who I can fuck over.  Since you are so eager to help, will you use your profile and do some pimping for me?

Cheating is cheating.  She didn't come on asking for help fixing what she did wrong and how to take care of the heart she is going to devastate, she came on asking for help on making it work better for HER.

I thought about asking her if she had considered setting her needs aside and look deeply at her submissiveness and what it truly meant to her.  If she could find a place where she could submit to the man she VOWED to "cherish and obey" without feeling his hand on her neck forcing her to do so.  Shown what she wanted was in fact beautiful, hubby might have found it fascinating rather than disgusting.  I believe the needs she was looking to fulfill were less about serving and more about getting her rocks off.

So she cheated and when called on it didn't have the strength to stand up to it and face it.  I think the Dom and her are getting what they deserve and the hubby, when he recovers, will be the lucky one.



sskitten -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 8:49:57 AM)

I did form a support group... last night... as I announced on this thread.
 
And I hope those of you who are looking for support or are able to offer support will join it, so that we don't have to try to carry on a dialogue in an inhospitable place like this and so that others looking for support don't have to go through what happened to jewelofthenight.
 
Two Flavors
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/two_flavors

Kitten



CrappyDom -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 8:53:19 AM)

You going to invite everyone's soon to be ex's or do they have to wait and form their own?




Reasonable -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 8:54:31 AM)

I've had married women get interested in me in the past-who also didn't want to tell thier husbands. Falls outside of my comfort zones.

If you feel bad over it,it's your cross to bear-or are you simply looking for outside validation for making a choice that feels wrong to you?



Mercnbeth -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 9:02:13 AM)

quote:

so that we don't have to try to carry on a dialogue in an inhospitable place like this and so that others looking for support don't have to go through what happened to jewelofthenight.

 
ss,
What a GREAT idea. A perfect place for varying perspectives and insight is a group where everyone agrees with each other. You can have a great pity party and commiserate that about the people who don't understand or approve of lying and cheating, without risking any dissent. Please report back with your version of the "Top 10" list of rationalizations for when cheating is appropriate in a marriage or in a relationship. Post it in the humor section.

I've never learned less than when in a group of people who agreed with me. For all the disagreement and debate on a variety of topics; I find it comforting that fraud, lies, and cheating find CM an inhospitable place.



LadyMorgynn -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 9:07:26 AM)

I think I love you.  Wanna run away together? ;)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
I've never learned less than when in a group of people who agreed with me. For all the disagreement and debate on a variety of topics; I find it comforting that fraud, lies, and cheating find CM an inhospitable place.



bandit25 -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 9:19:54 AM)

You are a total riot!  If kitten won't help you find that string of women, I'm at your service!



Areflectionofyou -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 10:24:36 AM)

Kitten she came here not looking to save a marriage she vowed when she accepted the wedding band, she asked how to keep cheating and stay with infidelity. Every time one posts in the forums , you take the chance of people with Morals, and ethics that they have been raised with to disagree...part of life chica....if it walks and quacks like a duck , its a duck, and you are married and sleeping with others without the spouses consent, its called Cheating....sorry but its the truth.
quote:

ORIGINAL: sskitten

I did form a support group... last night... as I announced on this thread.
 
And I hope those of you who are looking for support or are able to offer support will join it, so that we don't have to try to carry on a dialogue in an inhospitable place like this and so that others looking for support don't have to go through what happened to jewelofthenight.
 
Two Flavors
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/two_flavors

Kitten



RavenMuse -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 10:36:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
I find it comforting that fraud, lies, and cheating find CM an inhospitable place.


Good isn't it, that even on the internet there is at least some degree of realism and refusal to condone the indefencable. All this "hiding it to protect the other person" crap is mearly self-justification for something they know is seriously going to damage the person it is being hidden from, they almost always do find out, even if it is years later and it always hurts like hell.... Don't know about others but I certainly won't support someone in doing it.



valeca -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 10:57:15 AM)

 

She came looking for support on how to ease her conscience with regard to her cheating.  Nothing more.  She then bolted at the first sign of trouble.  Doesn't bode well for her future, does it?  If a bunch of strangers online causes her to do that, I can only imagine how well she'll fair when confronted by a friend or family member...or heaven forbid, her husband.

I predict a very rocky road in her future...but one of her own making.



juliaoceania -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 11:11:38 AM)

I did not read her wanting anyone "condone" her infidelity... I thought she was asking others if they had the same situation as she is in. Then I read a dogpile of morality police beating her up..

Is infidelity wrong?? YES

Are people human and make mistakes??? YES

I have never been unfaithfuil to anyone, and my exhubby cheated on me, and yes it is devastating to be in that situation... The thing is that there are other people that have been in her situation or are curently in her situation.. and they may have something more useful to say to her than "You are a cheater", I think she knows this already and everyone that read her post knows this already. For those people who are on a high horse about infidelity, some would think fornication or a poly relationship makes you bad, others would love to see kinky people stoned for their perversions. Personally it is not for me to judge a complete stranger's situation, only try to add something that might be helpful in some way to them because they asked for that...

But then again I am a pointy headed liberal peacenik tree hugger that asks those without sin to cast the first stone...geesh



RavenMuse -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 11:19:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
I am a pointy headed liberal peacenik tree hugger that asks those without sin to cast the first stone...geesh


In adult life? That particular indescression?

*Thwaps her round the head with a chunk of rubble*

[:D]



juliaoceania -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 11:22:53 AM)

Such violence to the peaceful, then again peaceniks usually end up dead, look at Gandhi for example... I continue to turn the other cheek, Im tough enough to take the blows... thats why Im a sub...LOL



Chiana -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 11:34:45 AM)

it is never right to set out to hurt someone you 'profess' to love.. i live by a philosphy that states 'an it harm none, do as you will'
if you are doing something intentional that will cause harm, you are in the wrong.. doesn't matter how you want to spin it
and i can talk from personal experience.. i'm married (at least technically) but am trying to find a Master.. now let me explain how it works without causing harm.. the first part isn't essential just background of my situation.. the physical part of the marriage has been ended for 6 years now.. in fact i filed for divorce 1.5 years ago.. i still care about him, just don't love him... after he got the papers he fell apart, i spent months talking to him, trying to tell him that everything he felt he needed (the closeness and friendship) would still be there.. just didn't want to live as his wife.. it took awhile but now that is exactly what we have.. living as room mates in seperate rooms

now comes the part that is relevant.. he knew before we married that i was interested in bdsm.. probably not how much i needed it.. i thought i could leave that part of myself after he freaked when i talked about kneeling at his feet
so i was wrong.. but with my need for honesty i have told him i'm going to munches, he knows i'm looking for a Master.. in fact i've come home from play parties in the last couple of months and shown him my marks.. he is no longer freaking out over the thought.. he is learning to accept who i am and what i need.. he knows what i'm doing but in the spirit of not hurting him i don't rub it in his face.. i have told anyone i was going to meet that i would never do something where he would see.. it is one thing to know, another thing entirely to deliberately go out of your way to hurt someone
now if you profess to love someone, yet do something to hurt them anyway.. i think you need to redefine what you mean by love.. talk to the person... it might take a long time but don't you think it would be worth it in the end?

now, after all that time i spent talking to him.. being open with him with what i'm doing, and working at not hurting him, i have found our relationship is better then it ever was.. don't want to have a real marriage again.. but now he is actually trying to do some of the things i like.. kinda funny when he tapped me on the head with a new flyswatter yesterday



slavekal -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 11:45:11 AM)

I am not going to pile on with the shame on yous.  But you are going to have to resolve your problem.  You have three choices.  Continue to cheat and reconcile that in your own mind, come clean with your husband and hope he understands, or leave him.  This is why I don't get into vanilla relationships.  They don't work for people like us.  They are unfulfilling and lead to problems.



juliaoceania -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 12:08:45 PM)

I read your post wrong.. you are saying you are without that sin... but I am sure you have commited others... I have never phucked around on ANYONE even without the slip of paper called a marriage license. Yet I have deeply hurt a couple of men that professed to love me because I couldnt return it and ended the relationship... My sin was having sex with people without considering they may love me more than I loved them, and it hurt them...so stone away, I know i have moral blemishes, and I at least got to behold someone as perfect as yourself before that stone thunked me in the head



valeca -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 12:14:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Personally it is not for me to judge a complete stranger's situation, only try to add something that might be helpful in some way to them because they asked for that...





I think there are two separate issues here.  First, no, it's not for anyone to judge.  People can, however, state whether they feel the actions are wrong in their eyes.  That's what happens on a discussion board.

The second one being that not everyone wants to help someone in cheating...be it giving advice, rationalizing or even just listening.  Others will believe there is more help in telling someone point blank they are doing something wrong than saying nothing at all.  And still others will believe they are helping...the person who is the 'innocent party'-- the husband.

She stated that hubby being 'nilla "...is not really a problem but our sex life is purely vanilla."  If nothing else is really a problem, then all she's seeking is kinky sex., and putting kinky sex above potentially devastating another individual tends to rub people the wrong way. 



akisha -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 2:44:31 PM)

Well i was married vanilla and totally gave up on my desires and wants as a submissive. Before we married a had a couple non-intercourse play sessions but realized that would hurt him if he found out and stopped that as well.

You have to decide what you want more because unfortunately you can't have both. The non cheating spouse always knows. maybe not right away but they see the signs. It is whether they choose to acknowledge the signs or not. 

Some people are happy to completely ignore what is going on and keep the peace because that works for them. Some are open enough to accept it and agree to an open marriage because they do not want to lose the life they have together. Most, freak out and kick your butt out on the street, file for divorce and take the kids. Then there are the rare ones that lose it come home and kill you.

Really honesty is the best policy. He has to know you are unhappy on some level. I'd say tell him how you feel before it blows up in your face. Who knows, maybe you can work something out.



CAROLF -> RE: Hubby is vanilla so i went outside my marriage (4/21/2006 2:57:34 PM)

well i just want slavekal to come here and mow my lawn, with those muscles he can get it done in not time. :)  too bad you are not a dom mmmmmmmmmm, oh yea, sorry, got off track, oh hell, i'm staying off track bye



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