Too fast, too slow.....

Too fast, too slow..... (Full Version)

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LanceHughes -> Too fast, too slow..... (8/27/2010 7:58:32 PM)
Too fast, too slow..... I seem to be having trouble in striking the right balance here on CM. In person, just fine. I mean that those coffee-in-public meetings are good. Sometimes there's the click, sometimes not. I'm cool with that. How do I get potential subs to be a little more revealing of the truth about their wants and needs? In the new-bie cases, I try to tell 'em it's okay to say "No experience, Sir," but they seem to not believe me. Short question - How do I keep subs from (A) getting scared of me and running away -OR- (B) scaring themselves and running away? Any and all comments appreciated from any and all sides of the kneel.

littlewonder -> RE: Too fast, too slow..... (8/27/2010 8:13:56 PM)
get to know them as a person instead of a slave. Once you do that you may find there's more of a connection than just kink and they'll feel more comfortable with you.

SubPet715 -> RE: Too fast, too slow..... (8/27/2010 8:17:15 PM)
Trying to get a sub is like trying to get a wild squirrel to feed from your hand, any sudden movements and you scare the little fella off. I know with me I can be talking to someone for weeks and if they wave a red flag with their behavior I will generally take my leave but it really depends on what you have done. My experience range from the domme assuming that they automatically get what they want on the first day of seeing me to finding their pictures online on some other site, so it really depends on what you think you may have done to scare off a potential sub. Examine past behavior and act accordingly to what you think may have happened.

ResidentSadist -> RE: Too fast, too slow..... (8/27/2010 8:25:13 PM)
quote: like trying to get a wild squirrel to feed from your hand http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBb7KReY6Eg Slightly larger versions needed for subs.^

LanceHughes -> RE: Too fast, too slow..... (8/27/2010 8:25:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder get to know them as a person instead of a slave. Once you do that you may find there's more of a connection than just kink and they'll feel more comfortable with you. Well, DUH! The problem seems to stem from trying to know them as a person. They have this stereotype in their head.... I talk to them about other things than slavery and their heads explode. "Why is this D-type trying to get to know me as a person? I bet he's real.... OH MY GAWD!" ETA: THEY approached me, and so I start with "Hi! What about my profile did you especially like? What caused you to write to me?" And I respond that way ONLY after perving them to see if there's any possiblity of common ground. If not, they get "Thanks for writing. I'm thinking we're too far apart in our interests."

LanceHughes -> RE: Too fast, too slow..... (8/27/2010 8:33:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SubPet715 Trying to get a sub is like trying to get a wild squirrel to feed from your hand, any sudden movements and you scare the little fella off. I know with me I can be talking to someone for weeks and if they wave a red flag with their behavior I will generally take my leave but it really depends on what you have done. My experience range from the domme assuming that they automatically get what they want on the first day of seeing me to finding their pictures online on some other site, so it really depends on what you think you may have done to scare off a potential sub. Examine past behavior and act accordingly to what you think may have happened. Thanks for your comments that you yourself have dropped out after perceiving what you believe to be a red flag. Also, I'm gonna give you a small - DUH! - for your comment that I should think through what happened. Kinda contradictory, isn't it? Sub disappears, leaving me scratching my head as to what scared him off but it's up to ME to figure out what scared him..... That's my main question - how to find out what scared him off? AND - what makes you think that each sub is the same? There's no one thing that scares 'em..... I'm looking for ideas to get them to be more open at the beginning so that I DON'T scare them off.

SubPet715 -> RE: Too fast, too slow..... (8/27/2010 8:45:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LanceHughes quote: ORIGINAL: SubPet715 Trying to get a sub is like trying to get a wild squirrel to feed from your hand, any sudden movements and you scare the little fella off. I know with me I can be talking to someone for weeks and if they wave a red flag with their behavior I will generally take my leave but it really depends on what you have done. My experience range from the domme assuming that they automatically get what they want on the first day of seeing me to finding their pictures online on some other site, so it really depends on what you think you may have done to scare off a potential sub. Examine past behavior and act accordingly to what you think may have happened. Thanks for your comments that you yourself have dropped out after perceiving what you believe to be a red flag. Also, I'm gonna give you a small - DUH! - for your comment that I should think through what happened. Kinda contradictory, isn't it? Sub disappears, leaving me scratching my head as to what scared him off but it's up to ME to figure out what scared him..... That's my main question - how to find out what scared him off? AND - what makes you think that each sub is the same? There's no one thing that scares 'em..... I'm looking for ideas to get them to be more open at the beginning so that I DON'T scare them off. I tend to think faster than I type so things come out a bit muddled...but the thought is there. I like it when a domme makes themselves available, to talk to about anything not just how I will be serving them, it makes me feel better and closer knowing that they're very much a friend as well. Just because we're going to be doing "things" does not mean we can't be civil and shoot the breeze from time to time. When I end things with a domme I will say so, because it is just rude not to, leaving them much like you bewildered and befuddled over what has transpired. So rather than dwell on that it is more than likely they just got cold feet, erased every trace of you from their lives, and pretended it never happened for reasons all their own. Erratic, strange, flaky reasons, you're better off not having a sub like that i'd say.

sexyred1 -> RE: Too fast, too slow..... (8/27/2010 8:50:02 PM)
There is no magic formula for meeting anyone who is right for you, sub or not. Millions of people are asking that same question on a daily basis. You can only hope that with luck and being proactive, you will find someone compatible.

FetishRose -> RE: Too fast, too slow..... (8/28/2010 12:04:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder get to know them as a person instead of a slave. Once you do that you may find there's more of a connection than just kink and they'll feel more comfortable with you. Definitely this. However, it is also going to depend a lot on the person. Many many people who are curious about the lifestyle but have no real experience are going to be very very shy about it. They may either tout a lot of experience they don't have, and then run away in fear before they can show their ignorance, or they may feel so dejected at potentially being displeasing/making a fool of themselves, that they run. For some, entering into any sort of lifestyle discussion, with even the remotest possibility that it could end up being something real, is terrifying at first. Far more nerve-wracking that losing one's virginity, say. As someone who has had interactions with several different D-type people, both as friends and more, as long as you are genuinely "you"...there is no too fast or too slow. Get to know them as a person, let them get to know you as a whole person, not just as a Dominant/sadist/whathaveyou, and they will feel more comfortable with you.

DesFIP -> RE: Too fast, too slow..... (8/28/2010 4:34:39 AM)
Try meeting for coffee faster. Since this is only an online problem and not one that happens in real life. Use the coffee meets to see if there's enough commonality to have a second meet instead of using online to see if there's enough commonality to meet for coffee. It's only 15 minutes or half an hour at a Starbucks, not a big loss if it's a no go.

lally2 -> RE: Too fast, too slow..... (8/28/2010 4:54:58 AM)
FR, i think if a newbie is still at the scared phase you wish them well in their travels and hope theyll find theyre way eventually - dont you think alot of it is people wanting this but too shit scared to go for it. in the end its going to be a big waste of youre time. theyre hooking into you to see how it feels and how they feel but i dont think its you babe, i think youre lovely [:)] (i know im a woman and thats ick, but im saying it anyway!) id shrug and move on personally. xx

jujubeeMB -> RE: Too fast, too slow..... (8/28/2010 6:14:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 i think if a newbie is still at the scared phase you wish them well in their travels and hope theyll find theyre way eventually - I agree with this. I know that when I was in my scared phase there wasn't a thing on the earth that anyone could do to keep me talking to them, much less meeting. At some point you either stop being so scared or quit trying to find people on BDSM sites altogether, and once that's happened it's not so much a matter of fear that keeps people from sticking around as compatibility issues. So unless you're able to convince someone to meet you in a public place (after a good phone call or really solid series of emails) forget about them and move on. They're too scared, or not interested.

daddysliloneds -> RE: Too fast, too slow..... (8/28/2010 9:26:33 AM)
perhaps it's your body language or your tone of voice; both project a whole lot about people no matter how well their intentions may appear to be.

peacefulplace -> RE: Too fast, too slow..... (8/28/2010 9:41:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Try meeting for coffee faster. Since this is only an online problem and not one that happens in real life. Use the coffee meets to see if there's enough commonality to have a second meet instead of using online to see if there's enough commonality to meet for coffee. It's only 15 minutes or half an hour at a Starbucks, not a big loss if it's a no go. This comment makes so much sense to me! I, for one, would no longer trust a situation in which a Dom doesn't express an interest in meeting in person within the first five or so emails. Other than that, I would say making the sub feel completely accepted and protected is what worked for me...in both vanilla and D/s subjects. At no time during the initial period of getting to know each other did I feel judged for my opinions by my Dom, even though as the relationship progressed, I realized we have some very different opinions. If I had felt judged for the difference or afraid to express these views and/or desires, I would have been long gone.

LanceHughes -> RE: Too fast, too slow..... (8/28/2010 5:07:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SubPet715 <snipped> When I end things with a domme I will say so, because it is just rude not to, leaving them [the Dom/me] much like you, bewildered and befuddled over what has transpired. So rather than dwell on that [why they "left"] it is more than likely they just got cold feet, erased every trace of you from their lives, and pretended it never happened for reasons all their own. Erratic, strange, flaky reasons, you're better off not having a sub like that i'd say. Thanks for your reassurance. I thought so, but thought I'd vhevk in here, just to make sure.

LanceHughes -> RE: Too fast, too slow..... (8/28/2010 5:12:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Try meeting for coffee faster. Since this is only an online problem and not one that happens in real life. Use the coffee meets to see if there's enough commonality to have a second meet instead of using online to see if there's enough commonality to meet for coffee. It's only 15 minutes or half an hour at a Starbucks, not a big loss if it's a no go. True for the locals. What caused me to write was a long-distance "possiblity" that "got scared" to the point that he left CM.... first he hid his profile, and when I asked why, he left completely. I'm going to chalk it up to him, not me, as others have suggested. What a frigging disappointment, though........

LanceHughes -> RE: Too fast, too slow..... (8/28/2010 5:16:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 FR, i think if a newbie is still at the scared phase you wish them well in their travels and hope theyll find theyre way eventually - dont you think alot of it is people wanting this but too shit scared to go for it. in the end its going to be a big waste of youre time. theyre hooking into you to see how it feels and how they feel but i dont think its you babe, i think youre lovely [:)] (i know im a woman and thats ick, but im saying it anyway!) id shrug and move on personally. xx Thanks for the compliment. And by the way, you being a woman is not icky. On the admit string, I recently "admitted" to being married for a short time to a "real" girl (as we gays say.) Thanks for the advice to "shrug and move on." It was just that this one was VERY attractive and I thought we were moving along well. Just wanted to make sure that new-bies scare themselves.

LanceHughes -> RE: Too fast, too slow..... (8/28/2010 5:24:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 i think if a newbie is still at the scared phase you wish them well in their travels and hope theyll find theyre way eventually - I agree with this. I know that when I was in my scared phase there wasn't a thing on the earth that anyone could do to keep me talking to them, much less meeting. At some point you either stop being so scared or quit trying to find people on BDSM sites altogether, and once that's happened it's not so much a matter of fear that keeps people from sticking around as compatibility issues. So unless you're able to convince someone to meet you in a public place (after a good phone call or really solid series of emails) forget about them and move on. They're too scared, or not interested. Thanks. After 25 plus years in the scene I guess I'm real comfortable and need to remember those early days...... well, actually, I had a great mentor who helped me to be the top I am today. Maybe I need to open a school for newbies....... walk through this door if you dare.... DAMN! That'll scare 'em off for sure. See, in the good ? old days of the Old Gurad, that was the reputation of the Leather Bars.... You self selected. WAAAAaaaayyyy toooooo easy to sign-on to a site like this. DAMN! Hope I didn't "ruin" him for life!

LanceHughes -> RE: Too fast, too slow..... (8/28/2010 5:25:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds perhaps it's your body language or your tone of voice; both project a whole lot about people no matter how well their intentions may appear to be. HUH? Coffee is just fine. Face-to-face is just fine. Please re-read string.

LanceHughes -> RE: Too fast, too slow..... (8/28/2010 5:34:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Try meeting for coffee faster. Since this is only an online problem and not one that happens in real life. Use the coffee meets to see if there's enough commonality to have a second meet instead of using online to see if there's enough commonality to meet for coffee. It's only 15 minutes or half an hour at a Starbucks, not a big loss if it's a no go. Yep. Problem is we were getting to the week-end visit to Denver arrangments when he bailed. As I typed that, I realized I skipped the "talk on phone" stage. OOPS! My bad. quote: ORIGINAL: peacefulplace This comment [by DesFIP] makes so much sense to me! I, for one, would no longer trust a situation in which a Dom doesn't express an interest in meeting in person within the first five or so emails. Other than that, I would say making the sub feel completely accepted and protected is what worked for me...in both vanilla and D/s subjects. At no time during the initial period of getting to know each other did I feel judged for my opinions by my Dom, even though as the relationship progressed, I realized we have some very different opinions. If I had felt judged for the difference or afraid to express these views and/or desires, I would have been long gone. Thanks for 5 e-mails suggestion. I have lost a couple of prospects by stringing it out to long. This case I might have been too fast <since he was going to visit on his vacation in a few weeks.> That's why thread is titled "Too fast, too slow...." Jack Rinella suggests max of three e-mails before face-to-face (for locals) and 3 for phone contact (for further.) As I typed that, I realized I skipped the "talk on phone" stage. OOPS! My bad.

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