RE: Finding A Domme

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TexasMaam -> RE: Finding A Domme (4/22/2006 10:04:14 PM)
I suppose this is going to be rather different advice than what you've received so far, but one of the best ways to meet a Domme is to establish a friendship or rapport with another sub. Instead of cruising the events and fetish clubs 'looking for a Domme', try going with the intention of finding another male sub to converse with, especially a sub who has a Mistress already. I would suggest you focus your energy on attempting to establish friendships with femsubs, the kind of non threatening, 'where do you buy your gear' kind of ice breakers that can lead to a real, sincere network of friends in the lifestyle. Once that connection is established, you can begin asking how they met, where they met, and end up with invitations to a party or event that you'd be left out of, otherwise, and you won't feel like the 'odd man out' because the non threatening friendships are firmly in place. Somewhere in the extended network of becoming acquainted with active subs of either gender, you are going to run into a sub who's collared by a Domme or Dom who knows of ''a good Friend of His/Hers who's been searching for 'the right submissive''. You are much more likely to meet a Domme on a person to person referral than you are likely to bump into Her just cruising the fetish nightlife. Good luck, TexasMaam

MsSonnetMarwood -> RE: Finding A Domme (4/23/2006 5:14:22 AM)
quote: Oh and I can tell you what i'm NOT looking for....someone who speaks to another person like LoneGoddess did up there. Actually, if a sub approached me with a profile reading like yours....I'd turn that person down immediately as well. It's rather one dimensional and because it centers on sex & play, I'd get the impression that's all the person was interested in. You may not like the way the message is phrased, but it's a valid message that you should take to heart.

lily84 -> RE: Finding A Domme (4/23/2006 5:35:26 AM)
Hm , do u think its a good idea to find a dom anywhere else ? my goddess ! i think a distance 's not very important ,the problem 's u can find a right mistress for urself or not .i bet that u 've got some wishes about an ideal mistress yeah? and that u 'll be able to devote all urself just for her .huh? anyway ,good luck in ur search . Miss Lily

TeeGO -> RE: Finding A Domme (4/23/2006 5:35:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: joshslave111 Oh and I can tell you what i'm NOT looking for....someone who speaks to another person like LoneGoddess did up there. That's funny. I found LoneGoddess' post to be caring and informative yet a bit firm and....um...I guess dominant in the way it comes across. Frankly that kind of speech (speech? er...writing) gets my submissive motor running. But I guess that's just me.

TeeGO -> RE: Finding A Domme (4/23/2006 5:45:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TexasMaam I suppose this is going to be rather different advice than what you've received so far, but one of the best ways to meet a Domme is to establish a friendship or rapport with another sub. Instead of cruising the events and fetish clubs 'looking for a Domme', try going with the intention of finding another male sub to converse with, especially a sub who has a Mistress already. I would suggest you focus your energy on attempting to establish friendships with femsubs, the kind of non threatening, 'where do you buy your gear' kind of ice breakers that can lead to a real, sincere network of friends in the lifestyle. Once that connection is established, you can begin asking how they met, where they met, and end up with invitations to a party or event that you'd be left out of, otherwise, and you won't feel like the 'odd man out' because the non threatening friendships are firmly in place. Somewhere in the extended network of becoming acquainted with active subs of either gender, you are going to run into a sub who's collared by a Domme or Dom who knows of ''a good Friend of His/Hers who's been searching for 'the right submissive''. You are much more likely to meet a Domme on a person to person referral than you are likely to bump into Her just cruising the fetish nightlife. Good luck, TexasMaam That's an interesting view Ma'am. The thing is, the sub men I have encountered are not the types I relate to very well. The funny thing is I am becoming fast friends with a male Dom that is well connected and knows many Domme's. He even went so far as to say "I'd have better luck being connected to him than out on my own." In my limited experience in trying to attract the attention of local Domme's here on Collarme, I think he might have a point. One thing is for certain IMO. Many on here have stated that the best way to meet is to get out in the community and I am finding that to in fact be very true.

FLsubmalecd -> RE: Finding A Domme (4/23/2006 6:07:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TeeGO quote: ORIGINAL: joshslave111 Oh and I can tell you what i'm NOT looking for....someone who speaks to another person like LoneGoddess did up there. That's funny. I found LoneGoddess' post to be caring and informative yet a bit firm and....um...I guess dominant in the way it comes across. Frankly that kind of speech (speech? er...writing) gets my submissive motor running. But I guess that's just me. I can't believe you took offense to a Lone Goddess's great suggestions.She was only trying to help you! I have to agree with the others that are trying to point that out to you. I honestly think you should first thank LoneGoddess and apologize to her. TeeGo, , I did not even find it all that firm. I mean, she did not pull any punches or anything. That is, she did not try to sugar coat her great suggestions, but instead gave some really great helpful advice. LoneGoddess, I'd be proud and happy if you ripped my profile apart in the same manor if you felt it would help me find the Woman/Domme I hope to find. About the only forums I read here are under the "Ask a Mistress" section since I want and need to get into the heads of those I wish to attract. And yes, I've had some corrective criticism from some Dommes for my posts or my profile. I weigh what they said and will either act on their suggestion or ignore it. But I sure would not come down on someone trying to be helpful. Sheesh! You started this thread asking for help. Someone gives you some really good advice and suggestions and you come down on her??????? Good luck in finding any Domme that will put up with that kind of attitude. I think you'd be doing a lot of standing in the corner because you won't be able to sit down! BTW, I think all the Ladies have done an excellant job in giving some suggestions. I know I got something out of all of them. I will thank all of you for all the subs that want to know how you all think and feel. It will help some of us find the Woman, the Domme we want and need. One of the best and most widely abused things is the profiles and or adds that a guy states all his sexual wants, his kinks and the laundry list of sexual things. To me it's a given that any and all the Ladies/Dommes here are into kink and sexual things that may or may not be what I'm into. But I am not going to run them off befere I get a chance to know them by stating all my kinks and sexual desires. To me, that would be like meeting a woman at a bar that happenes to turn me on.And walking up to her and saying something like this: "Hi my name is STUPID, I want to F**k you, Gonna go home with me.?....I like oral sex, , strap-ons, and bondage.....Can I buy you a drink?" Another words, I try to write to a Domme in the same mannor that I would approach a woman in a bar. Sure, I might have all those kinky thoughts of what I want to do to and with her. But that is the very last thing she would ever know. I will treat her like a gentelman and get to know her and her interests first. Common sense to me. OK, so that's my opinion in trying to help you understand. Are you going to come down on me too?

lily84 -> RE: Finding A Domme (4/23/2006 6:45:34 AM)
Hi joshslave111, well, i had a quick look at ur profile ...and sorry to tell u that if i was lonegoddess ,i 'd stop replying u too .Actually ,after reading ur information ,i really felt u were seeking physical and sexual relationship ,not original bdsm .I dont know u well ,but as u said ,i 've been here for over a yr yeah ? same me . Then i guess u'll know how to show urself without such those information . As a dom, i prefer a good 'doggy' than a good 'man'. Im not expecting u can catch what i said ,but a good slave has to change to improve himself ,thats a good thing ,hope u understand . Miss L

Proprietrix -> RE: Finding A Domme (4/23/2006 7:15:47 AM)
oooOOOoooo so many things to comment on!! joshslave: Count your blessings that you are practically standing in Lifestyle Central. You can probably walk to your nearest munch. I have to drive a minimum of 2 hours to get to mine. You can join a local dungeon. I don't even have one. You can probably step out your door and see lifestyle people. I step out my door and see farmers. Take advantage of what's right there in front of you. Many don't get the same opportunity. (And try not to get offended when you ask for advice and people give it. Think of it kind of like going to the store. It's not whether or not you mesh with the clerk. It's whether or not you got what you came for.) TexasMaam: Some of the best advice I've heard. Refreshing to see a new perspective. FLsubmalecd: regarding your words here: quote: One of the best and most widely abused things is the profiles and or adds that a guy states all his sexual wants, his kinks and the laundry list of sexual things. To me it's a given that any and all the Ladies/Dommes here are into kink and sexual things that may or may not be what I'm into. But I am not going to run them off befere I get a chance to know them by stating all my kinks and sexual desires. To me, that would be like meeting a woman at a bar that happenes to turn me on.And walking up to her and saying something like this: "Hi my name is STUPID, I want to F**k you, Gonna go home with me.?....I like oral sex, , strap-ons, and bondage.....Can I buy you a drink?" Another words, I try to write to a Domme in the same mannor that I would approach a woman in a bar. Sure, I might have all those kinky thoughts of what I want to do to and with her. But that is the very last thing she would ever know. I will treat her like a gentelman and get to know her and her interests first. Common sense to me. There was a thread recently called "What part of BDSM makes you smile most". In it, I wrote: "It makes me smile to no end to see that "Now I get it!" look on a submissive's face when a concept I've been teaching finally sinks in." I got that same kind of smile when I read your post. Sometimes I feel like we Dommes are beating our heads on a brick wall trying to get that message out to all the subs who come in here asking why they can't find a Domme. It's so nice to see someone who stuck around long enough to "get it".

thetammyjo -> RE: Finding A Domme (4/23/2006 7:18:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: joshslave111 i have gone to paddles, tes meetings, munches, You name it. One older Domme told me that most Dommes my age are Pros. Oh and I can tell you what i'm NOT looking for....someone who speaks to another person like LoneGoddess did up there. My other suggestion is what was your goal and your attitude when you visited such places? Having been to them all in NYC myself (though that was a few years ago now) I can say that it could be very obvious when someone was coming with the plan to hook-up and when someone was coming because he enjoyed the company, wanted get information, and wanted to share. If you go to three TES meetings but only talk during the circle and then just say something like "I'm interested in X, F, K, and I'm looking for a mistress my age" then you'll send out negative signals. If instead you mingle before the lecture happens and at the circle say "I'm Josh and I've been doing X and K for ten years. I learned about TES Q and I'm hoping to learn a lot here" then you send out more positive signals. To do even better you attend not only the fem dom/male sub meeting each month but maybe the generic meetings and go to see guest speakers. Volunteer to help set up before a meeting or a party. You go to the pot luck and you bring a wonderful homemade dish that could serve at least a dozen people. I think the more involved you become the less you yourself will actually worry about finding Ms. Right. Oddly enough when you are enjoying yourself so much that is when you start to become very attractive and you may find Ms. Right turns out to be the woman you've talked to at the past 20 meetings or the one whose bag fell open and her toys flew all over the place and when you offered to help but never mentioned scening with her, she comes on to you later. Or she doesn't, it won't matter because you'll have become part of a family, a community, and you'll be having fun. Note: the letters are for for unknown things one could put into that spot in the sentence

TeeGO -> RE: Finding A Domme (4/23/2006 8:04:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FLsubmalecd quote: ORIGINAL: TeeGO quote: ORIGINAL: joshslave111 Oh and I can tell you what i'm NOT looking for....someone who speaks to another person like LoneGoddess did up there. That's funny. I found LoneGoddess' post to be caring and informative yet a bit firm and....um...I guess dominant in the way it comes across. Frankly that kind of speech (speech? er...writing) gets my submissive motor running. But I guess that's just me. I can't believe you took offense to a Lone Goddess's great suggestions.She was only trying to help you! I have to agree with the others that are trying to point that out to you. I honestly think you should first thank LoneGoddess and apologize to her. TeeGo, , I did not even find it all that firm. I mean, she did not pull any punches or anything. That is, she did not try to sugar coat her great suggestions, but instead gave some really great helpful advice. LoneGoddess, I'd be proud and happy if you ripped my profile apart in the same manor if you felt it would help me find the Woman/Domme I hope to find. About the only forums I read here are under the "Ask a Mistress" section since I want and need to get into the heads of those I wish to attract. And yes, I've had some corrective criticism from some Dommes for my posts or my profile. I weigh what they said and will either act on their suggestion or ignore it. But I sure would not come down on someone trying to be helpful. Sheesh! You started this thread asking for help. Someone gives you some really good advice and suggestions and you come down on her??????? Good luck in finding any Domme that will put up with that kind of attitude. I think you'd be doing a lot of standing in the corner because you won't be able to sit down! BTW, I think all the Ladies have done an excellant job in giving some suggestions. I know I got something out of all of them. I will thank all of you for all the subs that want to know how you all think and feel. It will help some of us find the Woman, the Domme we want and need. One of the best and most widely abused things is the profiles and or adds that a guy states all his sexual wants, his kinks and the laundry list of sexual things. To me it's a given that any and all the Ladies/Dommes here are into kink and sexual things that may or may not be what I'm into. But I am not going to run them off befere I get a chance to know them by stating all my kinks and sexual desires. To me, that would be like meeting a woman at a bar that happenes to turn me on.And walking up to her and saying something like this: "Hi my name is STUPID, I want to F**k you, Gonna go home with me.?....I like oral sex, , strap-ons, and bondage.....Can I buy you a drink?" Another words, I try to write to a Domme in the same mannor that I would approach a woman in a bar. Sure, I might have all those kinky thoughts of what I want to do to and with her. But that is the very last thing she would ever know. I will treat her like a gentelman and get to know her and her interests first. Common sense to me. OK, so that's my opinion in trying to help you understand. Are you going to come down on me too? Your reply was to me but I'm assuming your comments were directed at joshslave111. However saying it was firm was not derogatory in any way. Indeed for a Dominant Female "firm" is a very good quality.

FLsubmalecd -> RE: Finding A Domme (4/23/2006 8:14:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TeeGO Your reply was to me but I'm assuming your comments were directed at joshslave111. However saying it was firm was not derogatory in any way. Indeed for a Dominant Female "firm" is a very good quality. TeeGo, let's not have anymore misunderstandings. Like when I inadvertantly referred to you as a she. lol I did not think you meant "firm" it in a derogatory way at all. I was only commenting that I did not see it as even being firm...to me. But you are right. I too like a Domme to be firm. Firm yet loving and fair. As most of them that post here prove to be.

TeeGO -> RE: Finding A Domme (4/23/2006 8:25:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FLsubmalecd TeeGo, let's not have anymore misunderstandings. Like when I inadvertantly referred to you as a she. lol I did not think you meant "firm" it in a derogatory way at all. I was only commenting that I did not see it as even being firm...to me. But you are right. I too like a Domme to be firm. Firm yet loving and fair. As most of them that post here prove to be. [image]http://www.collarme.com/htmlarea/smileys/0163.gif[/image] [image]http://www.collarme.com/htmlarea/smileys/0357.gif[/image]

TexasMaam -> RE: Finding A Domme (4/23/2006 8:26:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TeeGO That's an interesting view Ma'am. The thing is, the sub men I have encountered are not the types I relate to very well. Oh, poppycock and balderdash! I don't know of any male sub that can't be related to on some level, whether the common interest is football, hockey, basketball, baseball, NASCAR, job related interests, hell, you can bring up the price of gas today and relate to just about anybody! As for getting to know a Dom, establishing that kind of connection was exactly My point. It sounds as though you're on your way. TexasMaam

TeeGO -> RE: Finding A Domme (4/23/2006 8:41:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TexasMaam Oh, poppycock and balderdash! I don't know of any male sub that can't be related to on some level, whether the common interest is football, hockey, basketball, baseball, NASCAR, job related interests, hell, you can bring up the price of gas today and relate to just about anybody! Um...um...um...um...well yes I understand. Truthfully I haven't meet too many and I am talking real life not online. Almost all that I have met are not involved in a D/s relationship and perhaps that makes a difference. The ones I've met are difficult to talk to. Dragging words out of their mouth is almost as hard as pulling teeth. It would be great to meet some of the male subs from here on collarme.

joshslave111 -> RE: Finding A Domme (4/23/2006 10:29:09 AM)
OK, now that read LoneGoddess reply this morning, it doesn't sound as harsh as it did when I first read it. I guess when I first read it I was feeling more frustrated...depressed and upset. For that, I apologize. As far as TES meetings go, I've been to a few, though really had an uncomfortable vibe from them. Keep in mind, i'm not going looking to hook up...just to meet people. It's very hard to explain. Another problem I've run into is people lying. I've had one Domme that I clicked with via email and phone but when we met I learned that the photos she sent were of someone else. Another was married, another was 20 years older than she claimed and another was a man claiming to be a woman. One thing I've found is that being a straight sub really limits my opportunities. I've met a few Dommes that were interested in me, if only I were bi. I wont lie..while I am looking for someone for a relationship, I'm at the point that I'd settle for a play partner. The problem is, I have to be attracted to a woman in order to submit to her. I wish I could shut that part of my brain off since it's prevented me from anything at all here.

Proprietrix -> RE: Finding A Domme (4/23/2006 11:04:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: joshslave111 One thing I've found is that being a straight sub really limits my opportunities. I've met a few Dommes that were interested in me, if only I were bi. There are some of us <------------ who prefer straight submissives.

EbonyFtshGoddess -> RE: Finding A Domme (4/23/2006 11:46:30 AM)
as much as we all enjoy local relationships.. just a thought, but perhaps you should try to broaden your search area. i'm not sure if you're specifically only looking in nyc, but nyc does have a preponderance of professional dominas. do you approach women at fetish events or do you hope one will come to you? when you go to events or play parties perhaps you can try going up to someone you're attracted to that you see playing with a male submissive and express your desire to know her or whatever (don't interrupt the scene, but that goes without saying). i've been to events or play parties where after a scene someone will come up to me and request to serve. also, here in LA we have societies like the Lair. it's not a munch (which i don't like at all) it's more like a group of scene players that get together in an equipped facility and play. i go to places like this alone sometimes when i don't have a slave visiting and i want to torment some flesh for a while. there are a lot of single males there too. here is an article about the Lair.. try to find something comparable in your area. try going on maxfisch or eros. http://www.eros-la.com/articles/2003-09-30/lairdesade/ hope this helps & good luck

MarinaBlack -> RE: Finding A Domme (4/23/2006 4:49:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: joshslave111 i am a 31 year old sub male in the NYC area. i guess it wasn't smart of me to think finding a Domme here would be easier than finding one anywhere else. Actually, it seems harder. i'm a decent looking guy, tall, well read, funny. my only problem is that i'm picky. i can't submit to just anyone. Submission, like sex, needs to be with someone i'm attracted to and it's turning out to be an impossible task. Being "picky" is good. You shouldn't just give away your submission to anyone. quote: i've been here for well over a year now and the only Dommes i've met that were close to my age were pro Dommes. Being a pro or lifestyle are not mutually exclusive. The better pros tend to be lifestylers. quote: It's so very dissapointing to get a reply back from a Domme and find out that she requires a "tribute". No offence to the pro Dommes here, but for me, knowing that all it takes is some cash, really doesn't do it for me. i'm looking for someone who WANTS to take me..own me..use me. "Tribute" does not always mean money. quote: i really don't know what to do anymore. i've gone to plenty of events...just keep coming up empty. I had a look at your profile and it's not very detailed. The more you can say about yourself the better chances you have. I would seriously consider re-writing your profile if I were you. Think about how many messages women here get every day. You have to stand out from the rest. A well thought out profile is a start. You mention in your profile that you're looking for someone you can "click" with, but you don't say what that is to you. This matters. When approaching Dommes here read their profiles CAREFULLY and approach as directed - many Dommes include that information in their profiles, but sadly most approaches come from men who clearly disregard the instructions. Also, your writing style - based on what I saw in your profile -is a bit casual. I hope you don't approach or reply in the same manner. Many - if not most -Dommes require a bit (or a lot, like in my case) more formality initially. My 2 cents. Hope this helps.

EbonyFtshGoddess -> RE: Finding A Domme (4/23/2006 5:21:11 PM)
it should help him a lot

crouchingtigress -> RE: Finding A Domme (4/23/2006 5:57:04 PM)
Lone goddess was trying to help you and to be honest she spoke very eloquently for me too, and the exceptions she took with your profile were the ones I took as well. Heres the thing, I have never met another Domme that was in the bdsm lifestyle to find a grade A pussy eater. I dont require it, but if I did, its something I could easily train you to do. Thinking that is an important element shows me what you priorities in a D/s relationship but as others have gently mentioned, go and learn some stuff because sex is not the core of power exchange dynamics, power exchange is, and to me a profile I find attractive is one that shows me a level of willingness, and burning desire to feed an ache in the soul.... How do you put this in words?? Its not easy, its more of a feeling, but the writing of it feels like it comes from the heart, its vulnerable, revealing and earnest and honest.

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