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On Behalf of a Friend - 8/31/2010 4:40:08 AM

Abstracts

Posts: 26
Joined: 7/10/2010
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I have this very good friend who is a sub. Her partner is rather vanilla, they are very dedicated to each other, and ending the relationship over this issue doesn't seem necessary. She has only recently discovered her sub side and it is a rather strong sub side. Not strong as in defiant, but strong as in she slips very easily into subspace and at the drop of a hat.

I have not had that much interaction with the man, so I'm no judge, but she feels that there is a great Dom inside of him just aching to break free. They have open communication on this issue and he tries his best to give her what she needs in the bedroom. They are both inexperienced in the lifestyle, though from what I gather, she has a lot of theoretical knowledge. There are many things she wishes he would do/say/etc. during their play time that he doesn't. However, these are things she doesn't want to specifically ask him to do because it would take away from the sensation for her. She's also afraid of making him feel inadequate as her partner. She wants the ideas to come from his own head. She wants them to be his own desires.

I am, as of yet, too inexperienced in this lifestyle to offer her much advice. So I come to you guys, hoping for some insight and perhaps some suggestions. I'd suggested to her to offer him some reading material, but that's about it.

With honor,

-Tobias

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RE: On Behalf of a Friend - 8/31/2010 4:54:04 AM

DarkSteven

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First off, what you describe as sub/Dom seems to be bedroom only. I'll assume that.

I suggest a game for the two of them. It's called "How would you feel if...?" They research, individually or together, different kinds of play. Go to a play party together, watch porno, read kinky websites Whatever. After being exposed to something new, each one gets a sheet of paper. One of them suggests the topic - fire play, spanking, nipple clamps, whatever, from what they just experienced. Then each gets to describe in writing their feelings about the play - how he imagined her nipples were in those clamps, how she imagined being over his lap with panties pulled down, etc. - and the emotions felt about it. After three minutes, stop writing, exchange papers, and read what the other wrote. Then each gets five minutes in turn to describe how each felt upon reading the other's writing.

NOTE - if the topic picker only selects things they like, there will be a tendency to write favorably of each activity. So it's necessary to pick things that the picker would not like as well.

If he is in fact a Dom, and he has a full list of things he likes and knows whether his partner likes them or not...watch out!

And if he only does the things that she liked without regard to his own liking or not, he's not a Dom.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: On Behalf of a Friend - 8/31/2010 5:06:15 AM

Abstracts

Posts: 26
Joined: 7/10/2010
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Thanks for your input. I'll show her your post as worded and await further replies. Good suggestion.

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RE: On Behalf of a Friend - 8/31/2010 7:28:01 AM

kuppykake

Posts: 125
Joined: 7/22/2009
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This sounds soooooo familiar! The reason is because I have been in the EXACT same predicament, a couple of years ago. It sounds like this girl has begun on a new path of discovery. For me, it's haunting at times, but it is a part of who I am. I will tell you that as long as she keeps from him what she wants, he will never be able to fulfill her desires. She has to somehow put them out there so he knows what her desires are. What's difficult is the "what if he doesn't like that? Then I'll look silly!" She has to accept the fact that she may be somewhat rejected on certain things, but she can't let that fear of rejection stop her from communicating with her lover. I'd suggest finding some erotic stories that reflect on her desires/ what she envisions, and email them to him or leave them where he will see them to read them. Then ask him, "What did you think about that story?" Hopefully he will like it. One good place to find these stories is www.literotica.com

Now, a more important piece of advice. DON"T JUMP INTO THINGS TOO FAST!!!!! I could be wrong, but based on my experience (which isn't much, but I can truly relate to this), take it easy. Let's say he's open to learning about the scene.... don't get too excited, and don't expect him to try a whole bunch of new stuff all at once. Give him time to experience each new thing. I made a mistake of rushing into things and being too eager, and now mine and my fiance's D/s relationship has taken a huge step back, but we are working on it.

Is this friend of yours on CM? If so I'd like to talk with her since we can relate. One other thing- she needs to accept that he may not be into this stuff on the same level that she is. If this is the case, she will need to decide what she wants/needs more- her relationship with this man, or her submissive desires/needs fulfilled. That's a tough ass decision! I really hope the best for her!!!

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RE: On Behalf of a Friend - 8/31/2010 7:53:05 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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Do a search under the following terms:

When Someone You Love is Kinky. (It's a book and it comes up often during similar discussions.)

Converting a vanilla spouse.

Vanilla partner.

You should find tons of threads on the basic concept and there is a wealth of information and suggestions that people have made over the years.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: On Behalf of a Friend - 8/31/2010 8:46:20 AM

ranja

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Joined: 11/1/2007
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it is totally understandable that a woman wants mr Superman lover who knows exactly what to do and exactly when... i was one of them for too long

i can be extremely tricky to get what you want or need across to your partner
first you have to be aware of exactly what it is you want or need and often that is the first hurdle...
after you have identified you want and need you have to find a way to get this info across to your man without him feeling that you are pushing him in directions that he does not want to go, or worst it might indeed make him feel like he is not doing things right... innocent info can indeed very easily be taken as critisim

it takes skill to manipulate yourself and your man into happiness

i wish your friend all the best... she has to find a way to get over herself and start fessing up to what she would like, as nicely and as she can, humor helps too...
or wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and complain about things

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RE: On Behalf of a Friend - 8/31/2010 10:12:23 AM

FRSman

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Joined: 10/7/2009
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She could start reading books and stories and leave them around so that he figures out what she is reading about... movie rentals work the same way if they are already into that sort of stuff and the movies are not a new personality trait. These items can open things up for discussions. Neither story books or movies have to be over the top because they would be used as a method of starting discussions so to speak. "You know in this book I am reading .... "
She could start watching True Blood on HBO and discuss the sex scenes... and say to him that she kind of likes the idea of....

She could introduce him to you guys and you could throw some light examples out there at the weekend barbecue that could lead to discussion later on.

You know the kind of things that causes people to connect dots.

Once his wheels start spinning who knows where it will go.

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RE: On Behalf of a Friend - 8/31/2010 11:15:30 AM

daddysliloneds

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since she proably gained her 'theoretical' understanding of dom/sub from reading books or on the internet, then she could show him where she learned it and say 'god baby, this sounds hot, can we try this?'

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RE: On Behalf of a Friend - 8/31/2010 1:11:33 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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I'm going to disagree with Steven here. When he says that a dom won't only pick things his partner will like. This guy is very new to this, he's been taught to be caring and respectful of his partner. I think it's appropriate that they experiment with things both like only.

You want the first experiences to be good ones. If he does things that freak her out, this won't happen. And vice versa. So if they agree on blindfolds and playing with controlling her orgasm at first, and both rank these highly, then it will be a nice enjoyable time that will encourage them to continue experimenting. If he decides that what really turns him on is the idea of sticking needles in her nipples, knowing she's nervous around needles, then despite her having a draw to this, it may well be a horrible first experience and have her decide she doesn't want to continue exploring.

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Cynical and proud of it!

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RE: On Behalf of a Friend - 8/31/2010 1:17:02 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
I'm going to disagree with Steven here. When he says that a dom won't only pick things his partner will like. This guy is very new to this, he's been taught to be caring and respectful of his partner. I think it's appropriate that they experiment with things both like only.

God knows I started pretty damned carefully. In our case, since we weren't talking sexual kink, it wasn't so much "only stuff she likes" as "areas where obedience isn't likely to cause conflict."

To be fair though, DS did say "without regard to his own liking". One might say that I had a very strong regard for what I liked.... and what I liked was to enslave Carol and that was going to take patience.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: On Behalf of a Friend - 9/3/2010 9:45:03 PM

inkSecret

Posts: 83
Joined: 3/4/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Abstracts

I have this very good friend who is a sub. Her partner is rather vanilla, they are very dedicated to each other, and ending the relationship over this issue doesn't seem necessary. She has only recently discovered her sub side and it is a rather strong sub side. Not strong as in defiant, but strong as in she slips very easily into subspace and at the drop of a hat.

I have not had that much interaction with the man, so I'm no judge, but she feels that there is a great Dom inside of him just aching to break free. They have open communication on this issue and he tries his best to give her what she needs in the bedroom. They are both inexperienced in the lifestyle, though from what I gather, she has a lot of theoretical knowledge. There are many things she wishes he would do/say/etc. during their play time that he doesn't. However, these are things she doesn't want to specifically ask him to do because it would take away from the sensation for her. She's also afraid of making him feel inadequate as her partner. She wants the ideas to come from his own head. She wants them to be his own desires.

I am, as of yet, too inexperienced in this lifestyle to offer her much advice. So I come to you guys, hoping for some insight and perhaps some suggestions. I'd suggested to her to offer him some reading material, but that's about it.

With honor,

-Tobias

It actually seems like... This is something they might need to wait out.
I think that being a dominant male comes from comfort, and from knowing that your girl is willing to serve you.

Forget about "The Lifestyle" here

Pimps are dominant and Hos are submissive.
In asian culture, Men are dominant and the Women are extremely submissive (unless it's in America then it's reversed most the time xD)

None of these require whips and chains and leather masks. None of these things are even about kink or sex.
They're about being in touch with who you are inside.
They're about listening to your own heart.

I think the best thing she can do is entice him. Maybe that seems underhanded like seduction
But if she plays the part of a woman who wishes to be subservient and pleasing, it is a very great feeling to a man.
And perhaps that would help him become who "he" is.

People don't often reveal their true sides unless they know they're in complete control and in no danger of punishment

I mean, when a girl dresses up in barely nothing and starts serving me. I don't care what I've been through.
It'll get me in touch with my inner feelings pretty fast
But it should come from her heart, just like it should come from his.

_____________________________

Stop asking questions only you can answer
There's no standard to adhere to
We dominate and submit as we choose

You can't ask us
What's right for me?
We're not you

Decide your level of involvement
Find yourself
It's your decision

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RE: On Behalf of a Friend - 9/4/2010 2:12:54 AM

Abstracts

Posts: 26
Joined: 7/10/2010
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Thanks again for the feedback everyone. She has found it very helpful.

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