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Scared and Submissive - 9/26/2004 3:47:56 AM

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

Hi, first let me introduce myself since I am very new here. Well I joined a few weeks ago but never posted on the board. My profile through Collar Me pretty much sums up why I came here so I won't go into to much of myself, I did want to bring up a question and I thought this would be a good place to ask.

Well I know I am submissive and extremely shy. Shyness to the point it's terror pretty much and with this it's been kinda hard to find a Dominant through here that lives close to me that can handle taking it extremely slow. I guess that kinda goes for regular guys too actually not just Doms. I have a low trust too lately and it really doesn't help much, though I noticed from my friend teaching me that bdsm if I found the right Master would really help me to grow and become the person I want to be.

Anyway I should probably get to my question now...sorry for running off on myself like that just wanted to let you know my situation. Well my question is if this is a problem for getting into this lifestyle? I've been told by some that you really can't be shy and be into bdsm, and yet I think the opposite..I think this lifestyle would cure my shyness. I just sorta want to know if this kind of fear is normal for submissive's or not. Being terrified of being hurt. I'm new to so I'm extremely afraid of being taken advantage of...the last thing I want is to have a bad experience in something I think would help me grow.

I guess I just want to know if it's alright to be this scared and submissive...I'm sure some of you that have been in the lifestyle for years could help...as well as the new ones like me too. :) Any comments that you think could help me are welcome. I also apologize if this is in the wrong place to post this.

RE: Scared and Submissive - 9/26/2004 5:47:41 AM

Posts: 3155
Joined: 7/25/2004
Status: offline

hi and welcome to CM forums.

Well it seems you think the lifestyle might be a cure for who you are which is shy and introverted and for some yes it can be, if they find the right person. For others it may may scare them to a point where they are even more afraid and abandon the search altogether.

First off to me you want to be the best person you can be for a dom. You want to be in a happy and healthy place and you need to learn your limits. not just for play but in dealing with people.

If this is what and who you are and where you want to be then my suggestion is first find local munches or groups in your area and go to meetings and munches and get out there! Do not the to go to play parties and such but to places where you can feel safe. When you find a group, meeting or munch, try and find people in the group and become friends and ask them to meet you there as you are new and a little afraid. Most groups have good people that will met you a little before and sit with you or introduce you to others. Just knowing one person may help.

As you learn more about the life and get out you will get self confidence to feel more comfortable when talking to prospective doms to say hey you are rushing me and if they cant wait then to me they are not worth your time. If you are upfront and say i am new and afraid they should know patience and take the time you need.

So make the time to get comfortable in your own skin and then venture out and meet people. Some groups will allow you to bring a friend so if you have someone to go with that might help as well.

Good luck! and start slow. If you become to afraid then its time to step back. find out whats making you afraid and move on from there.

_____________________________

Roe

People always ask me why I do these things . . .
It's because I can!

(in reply to SubAngel84)

RE: Scared and Submissive - 9/26/2004 6:01:42 AM

Posts: 158
Joined: 1/5/2004
From: New York
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubAngel84

I guess I just want to know if it's alright to be this scared and submissive...I'm sure some of you that have been in the lifestyle for years could help...as well as the new ones like me too. :) Any comments that you think could help me are welcome. I also apologize if this is in the wrong place to post this.

SubAngel84,

You posted this question in just the right place.

To my mind, there is not a thing wrong with being shy and scared while entering the lifestyle. Fear is an emotion that can make you careful; and being careful and moving slowly is a good thing for you. It might not be the right thing for everyone, but for you it is obvious that it is the right way.

When someone tells you that you can not be shy and be into BDSM – ignore them. What works for one may not work for others.

Given your shyness I would like to encourage you to find and get involved with a local BDSM group. Further I would suggest that you begin to make a habit out attending munches with said group. Munches are dinners/lunches held in public places. At first it can be a bit overwhelming – but steel yourself to the task and get through it – a couple of times. After a bit you will start to see familiar faces and learn some of the names. You will likely end up sitting next to new people during each meal, sit down, say hello, order food, enjoy the meal.

Eventually you will make friends and then things can go on from there.

Good luck and have fun!

Peace and Light
Terry

(in reply to SubAngel84)

RE: Scared and Submissive - 9/26/2004 8:05:32 AM

Posts: 19
Joined: 7/1/2004
Status: offline

Welcome Angel:

There's nothing wrong with being cautious when first exploring this lifestyle. It can protect you from some of the less than honourable people that are out there. Thankfully I have found that they are a minority in the real life BDSM community.

Overcoming my own innate shyness has been a big benefit of my involvement in real life BDSM activities. It's hard to remain shy when you're naked in a room of 100 or so (mostly) strangers!

As someone else said, if you can get out to munches - that's a great place to start. With luck you'll meet a pal that you can go to events with. That will help with your blossoming.

Enjoy the ride and, most of all, have fun along the way.

Regards,
D

(in reply to ShadowHwk)

RE: Scared and Submissive - 9/26/2004 9:50:04 AM

Posts: 16
Joined: 7/28/2004
Status: offline

Hiyas ^_^

Nothin wrong with being shy. I'm sub and really shy myself. I think getting into this lifestyle has helped a bit. Though im pretty new at this myself I find myself becoming more comfortable with who I am and I feel a bit less shy overall :)

Like subdreams said.. being cautious is good. Trust your instincts.. if it doesnt feel right, get out.
Good Doms that will actually care about you and take things slow for you are out there. Take your time don't jump into something quickly. You'll find someone.
:)

-jun

_____________________________

http://shinjaejun.com

(in reply to subdreams1955)

RE: Scared and Submissive - 9/26/2004 10:35:47 AM

Posts: 27
Joined: 9/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubAngel84

... with this it's been kinda hard to find a Dominant through here that lives close to me that can handle taking it extremely slow.

But, simply put, going slow is the only way to ensure that a relationship is going to last. It's also a darn good measure of someone's maturity if they can take the long view and be patient in working with you. Stick to that standard (of finding someone who will go slow) and you'll do well.

It would help if you can find a submissive sister (or brother) to share with locally. If there are any "munches" nearby, you imght want to attend them with a friend and get to know people face to face.

quote:

I guess I just want to know if it's alright to be this scared and submissive...

It's all right to be anything you are, from painfully shy to dancing-on-the-tables-naked. A Dominant who takes you on surely will explore the bounds of your fears and a skilled one can help you grow and stretch your boundaries. My first committed D/s relationship helped me become healthier, happier, and much more self-aware, and I believe this can happen for you too.

Take heart, my friend, and remember "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear."

(in reply to SubAngel84)

RE: Scared and Submissive - 9/26/2004 1:14:06 PM

Posts: 20
Joined: 9/17/2004
Status: offline

Do not worry. In my opinion, if you're not scared or even just worried about what is in store for you with BDSM, I might have to think you're crazy. Certainly there are people who just go with the flow and don't fret too much, but if you're a submissive looking for a serious relationship, then shyness can be your best friend.

Taking it slow is a must. Find discussion sites for you area, and see if you can't find a "mentor" or something similar to answer your questions and to offer you advice. I haven't gone to one yet, but these munches sound like wonderful ideas and definately worth a try.

(in reply to magiqual)

RE: Scared and Submissive - 9/27/2004 4:06:38 AM

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

Thanks for all your responses and helpful words. It does seem like a nice open arms, mature community here so that's why I didn't mind posting (that's how shy I am, I'm even cautious as to what I post online).

The munch and group idea I've had in mind but from what I've overheard it's not really good to go alone. So I guess finding another submissive/slave that's a friend and close by would be a good idea. I thought about that but I seriously don't know where to go to find one, I seriously don't get out much at all. I'll keep all the ideas mentioned here in mind, and thank you so much for the replys. Anymore advice or push in the right direction is still welcome to. I'll start looking for local groups and stuff. Thanks again.

(in reply to MattyP)

RE: Scared and Submissive - 9/27/2004 5:11:05 AM

Posts: 483
Status: offline

subangel,

BOO!

Now that I scared ya, let's relax and chat for a bit.

Use your shyness as your safety net, it will help you ward off the trolls, and pretenders.

The other posts have given solid advice, go to a munch, typically they are held in places where you could even attend without actually speaking. You can go and observe, then as your comfort level increases, you can get involved.

Find a mentor, it does not have to be a Dom, I am sure there are many subs that will take you under their wing, and give you guidance and security.

But I think the best advice I can give you is to become sure of yourself, and who you are, before giving yourself up to a Dominant. I believe that only in your self confidence and assurance can you fully enjoy, and give your all.

Enjoy yourself, read, learn, explore, and don't worry, it won't leave permenant marks.

< Message edited by INSIDEYOURMIND -- 9/28/2004 4:37:31 PM >

_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

(in reply to SubAngel84)

RE: Scared and Submissive - 9/27/2004 7:03:23 AM

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubAngel84

Shyness to the point it's terror
<snip> I have a low trust too lately

SubAngel84,

You've gotten lots of responses telling you it's okay to take it slow, and I agree. But IMO, there's a lot more to your story than mere shyness. What worries me is you are barely out of your teens, you don't trust and yet you seek fulfillment in bdsm. It's one thing to be aroused by bdsm thoughts, but acting on them would be dangerous at this point for you. Happy bdsm is based on trust. If you don't trust regular men, why is it a good idea to trust a man who wants to rule you?

quote:

if I found the right Master would really help me to grow and become the person I want to be.

This idea also concerns me. A Master will help you become the person he wants you to be.

Given your age and knowledge, I think you should go even slower than you think you should. Read some good solid bdsm erotica, and how-to books, before venturing out into the perilous real world. Maybe that way when you meet up with a predator who informs you what "real" bdsm is, you can walk away unharmed.

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to SubAngel84)

RE: Scared and Submissive - 9/27/2004 8:44:04 AM

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

Actually, I had similar issues and worries when I entered the community, at about the same age you are now. A few things I did included research, and making sure I knew what I was getting myself into before I agreed to sub for anybody. Online roleplaying (I'm sorry to those who consider online to be more than that, I just am not able to make that mental leap) is a good foundation for self-exploration. It can take a while to find someone you trust, with whom you might want to experience the scene with. In the meantime, you should find out what you truly like and don't like - it will help a great deal with setting real world limits when you're ready to get your feet wet. When you do decide to take the plunge, start out slow and build a relationship with your first few tops outside of the bedroom first. Make absolutely certian that they are people whom you trust and admire. If they respect you, they will most assuredly wait until you are comfortable with entering a scene with them. If they are unwilling to wait, you've just found a lovely big red flag warning you that this is not the dominant you are looking for. Once you have established that basic trust, it is much easier to plunge yourself into the role of submissive, and to freely and openly give yourself to them.

That first step into the deep end of the pool can be terrifying, but it is also one of the most exalted memories I have. I envy you those first few experiences, and I hope that yours will be as satisfying to you as mine were for me. Good luck.

~S

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to January)

RE: Scared and Submissive - 9/27/2004 9:07:01 AM

Posts: 631
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline

Hi SubAngel

i am a natural submissive and very shy. Takes me a while to open up... takes me even longer not to blush, i have found that the Doms i have been with think my blushing is cute *shrugs*

my Mentor/Teacher has tired to help me overcome being so shy but this is just me, how i am. There are certain things that are hard for me to do, even so i do them i do blush or struggle to do them. Usually is more like things i need to say. (Talk dirty, ask for certain things, and offer certain things) i even was disciplined one time for not following through with a request made from Him. Long story but i was told to do something which being shy was hard for me and i ended up waiting so long to do it (pushing it off) until it was over and i did not but wasn't because i did not want to just couldn't get the nerve up to do it.

One thing i have found that helps me is being blindfolded, seems to help me say things that are normally hard for me.

i think once i am "collared" or "owned" it will be different because when i do get that far i will know this Dom so well that i wont be shy with Him. He will be closer to me then anyone else ever has, He will be my best friend and the shyness with disappear.

Being careful in this lifestyle is a must and not a bad thing. Talk with the Dom for a long time before meeting; make sure there are no red flags. If anything at all bothers you about this person tell Him and explore it, don't let it just slide away. Communication is a must and being safe! Ask questions, lots of them. Any good, true Dom will answer anything you have to ask and no question is silly. Do not go for the “W/we can talk about it later when W/we meet" (ive had this before) No, answers first before you meet anyone. There are hundreds of truly wonderful loving Doms out there but there are just as many trolls looking for just sex or to actually HURT a girl. Please do be safe, read and learn!

i have a Dom friend who gives wonderful advice and loves helping new subs if you would like to chat with Him i can set it up for you... He helped me so much and told me everything i needed to know to keep safe. He is my safe call when i do meet with a new Dom (he lives close to me) just email me on the other side if you are interested in chatting with Him.

Be safe!
~jenn~

_____________________________

~Subspace is my perfect paradise vacation from busy-mind... blessed be to the Dominant who can stamp my ticket there.~

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

(in reply to SubAngel84)

RE: Scared and Submissive - 9/27/2004 9:31:53 AM

strongnsubmissiv

Posts: 197
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline

.

Good advice in this thread and great topic. You really get a feel for who is "for real" when you read the advice of others here.

I can't really add much but maybe i can reinforce some of the sentiment as a fellow submissive, abeit male. A bit of what i've learned since my first munch...

Local munch groups are fantastic, and if they are like the ones local to me, there always seems to be a very level headed person or persons who is in charge of greeting and introducing those who are new.

Being new to this lifestyle brings HUGE excitement, but try and take things as slow as you can. Take everything in, listen to what others have to say. Like any large group, there will be gossip. Don't shrug off the gossip however, because if you are hearing reoccuring negatives about particular members, then there just may be some truth to it, so keep an eye out and make your own judgements. Munches are not free of players, but they're like small towns, and reputation speaks volumes.

Try to keep an open mind about things. In the beginning, i was so happy to see so many others who are just like me, however the more i got to know the group, the more i realized just how diverse we all can be. By the same token, YOUR idea of how this lifestyle should be is the right one for YOU. If somone imposes their ideas on you and claim that you should share in the same belief, then i'd stay away from them.

Most of all enjoy the interaction and even if your shy, listening to everyone talk will definitely help you open up. You'll make some great friends and having someone to hold your hand while you are feeling all these different and new feelings is a wonderful thing.

I remember my first munch vividly. Perhaps being male it was a little less intimidating to go alone, but i can certainly remember standing outside shaking like a leaf, wondering what the heck i was about to do. LOL Funny how all those butterflies go away after you actually meet everyone. It's a wonderful experience.

sns

_____________________________

*** Strong and submissive are not contradictions ***

(in reply to subbiejenn)

RE: Scared and Submissive - 9/27/2004 1:42:18 PM

Posts: 7
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline

hi subangel!

i agree with all that is being said here, but feel that just a word of caution from this camp might be called for.

overcoming shyness is something you must want to do for yourself. there is an internal struggle between staying in O/one's shy comfort sone and moving forward into a less comfortable place.

the caution is this: allow the struggle to happen within you and allow yourself to make the change from more to less shy because you want that change. yes. being involved in this lifestyle will make you less shy, but if you don't have a change on the inside it won't be lasting and won't carry over to othe parts of your life. go boldly into change - - and you will be surprised how easy, challenging, and wonderful it can be.

subheart21503

(in reply to strongnsubmissiv)

RE: Scared and Submissive - 9/27/2004 2:55:57 PM

Posts: 241
Status: offline

Sorry for intruding on the sub area, but I had some minor points to add.

I didn't want to comment on anything already posted, except to say that, as usual, there is a lot of good advice to be had here.

What I did want to add is that there are a couple of things which a skilled Dom can do to help you overcome shyness. One is to work on your self esteem, because shyness almost always comes with self-doubt. If you were very confident that the way you look, speak and act would all be regarded highly by others, you wouldn't be shy, right? They are so close together as to be almost synonymous. A good Dom will continuously work on making you feel better about yourself than you ever have before. In the US, much of this will probably be related to correcting your body image, since many (if not most) women in this culture are overly self-critical about their looks.

Something about shyness which is interesting, and a weakness through which shyness can be attacked, is that it can coexist with exhibitionism. As others have said, it's hard to be shy when you're naked in front of 100 people. That's probably miles beyond your comfort zone right now, but with a few years of work it is very likely that you could get there. As your self esteem improves, it will be easier to do things like dressing more daringly, and positive reinforcement from that will give you the nerve to go farther in the future.

In some regards I view this as a sort of crusade for those in this culture who have female submissives. Girls and women have been told in so many ways, subtle or blatant, that they will be unattractive unless they lose more weight (or whatever), and that they aren't supposed to be/act as sexual as men. Reversing this brainwashing is, in my opinion, as satisfying for a Dom/me as it is life-changing for their submissive.

(in reply to SubAngel84)

RE: Scared and Submissive - 9/28/2004 12:46:15 PM

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

quote:

I have a low trust too lately and it really doesn't help much

As January noted, trust is another internal conflict you have to go along with shyness. After reading subbijenn's tale of being disciplined after procrastinating on a task she couldn't do because of shyness, I'm wondering how you'll do when low trust is thrown into the mix. Specifically, it seems possible such tasks could be intended to desensitize your shyness, but instead end up eroding whatever trust is there.

Perhaps good communication can maintain the trust even if shyness prevents you from doing the taks. Keep in mind though, that just because you are submissive and shy you can't be passive when it comes to communication, so take responsibility for letting your partner know what's on your mind.

(in reply to SubAngel84)

RE: Scared and Submissive - 9/28/2004 2:01:47 PM

Posts: 5
Joined: 9/27/2004
Status: offline

I am new to this but i am very excited as well...a little scared but i know now to let all myy limits be known in advance of allowing myself to be dominated. It is of utmost importance and will save us from being tormented beyond our expectations.

(in reply to happypervert)

RE: Scared and Submissive - 9/28/2004 2:09:22 PM

Laura

Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

Welcome to the forums. :) I'm very shy too. I just learned to hide it well. Just pretend you're not shy. It makes life much easier. I got tired of having to work around how shy I was. Now people would never guess I'm shy. Actually, I've been told I talk too much with customers at work. No one complains they just laugh at me. ;)

_____________________________

Bait & Switch - Adult column

(in reply to wigglyworm)

RE: Scared and Submissive - 9/28/2004 2:34:41 PM

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

I think this lifestyle would cure my shyness. I just sorta want to know if this kind of fear is normal for submissive's or not.

I have heard people coming into this lifestyle who see it as therapy or a cure. If it works for you, great, but there are easier ways to overcome shyness. And some potential Doms/Masters can be as shy or more shy then you. I don't think shyness is limited as a submissive trait. If you are seeking that benefit from your relationship make sure the person you meet is generally outgoing them self.

When I saw your post regarding shyness, nervousness, and fear. I wanted to respond the same way I did to another forum today to a Master regarding his newbie sub and how to deal with her being scared and nervous. Maybe this would also be helpful to you...

As for them being scared or nervous? You should not only expect it, but relish it. Appreciate the excitement of their nervousness. The longest lines at amusement parks are for the scariest rides. You are about to take them on, what I think, is the most thrilling ride a person can experience and the best part is it won't end after a few minutes. They should be nervous and scared but of the experience NOT of you.

And that leads to the one essential ingredient - TRUST. For any of this to happen, your 'newbie' must trust you to be the 'harness for his/her ride'. If they can not trust you they can not surrender to you. Without trust, being scared and nervous will evolve into fear and there is no place for raw fear. Once you have that trust, you can and should take a firmer hand and show less patience. Because at some point your 'newbie' has to decide if their submission was just something they wanted to try or a way they wanted to live.....

Good luck, and as I said to the Dom with his newbie...

Enjoy the ride!

Merc

(in reply to SubAngel84)

RE: Scared and Submissive - 9/28/2004 9:59:18 PM

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

Thanks again for all the responses as well as the e-mails too.

Another reason I brought this topic up was because I've found trying to talk to Doms through this site I tend to get extremely scared and give off a bad impression by in a way frustrating them. I just feel maybe I'm to much work for a Dom. I had a hard time with my friend who introduced me to this lifestyle...I would get so nervous sometimes with just him on the phone(he lives across the country). Though of course he was very patinet with me and my nervousness never seemed to bother him. We were friends first though and that's why I learned to trust him. I've been having a hard time on this site in finding Doms like that. Though I've only just joined.

The munch idea I've looked into but I haven't had much luck. I think finding one of those and attending would be good for me and help to see if this lifestyle is for me.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

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