RE: Scene interruption: what now? (Full Version)

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DesFIP -> RE: Scene interruption: what now? (9/14/2010 4:18:45 AM)

What bothers me is that the op is taking it upon herself to judge the couple's relationship. She describes him as an "overly possessive play partner". However it is obvious that the girl in the relationship doesn't think of him in these terms. To her, he wasn't overly possessive and although they may now have a primarily play relationship, there is a strong bond between them.

Being cynical, I'm wondering if the op isn't interested in getting her away from her partner. And if he didn't sense this, and mark his territory (so to speak) to make it clear this wasn't going to happen.



mistoferin -> RE: Scene interruption: what now? (9/14/2010 4:25:07 AM)

quote:

What bothers me is that the op is taking it upon herself to judge the couple's relationship.


Aren't you doing exactly the same thing here:
quote:

To her, he wasn't overly possessive and although they may now have a primarily play relationship, there is a strong bond between them.


We don't know these people. Maybe she is just a girl who can't enforce her boundaries and say no.



daddysliloneds -> RE: Scene interruption: what now? (9/14/2010 5:30:45 AM)

simple, don't play with the friend if his partner is there. and, why the hell didn't your dom stop the scene when the interruption happened?



domiman -> RE: Scene interruption: what now? (9/14/2010 9:14:15 AM)

It's rude. Simply rude.



sweetsub1957 -> RE: Scene interruption: what now? (9/14/2010 12:36:45 PM)

~FR~
I read the whole thread so far and this is what I've heard.....the gal friend and this other guy are play partners, he's NOT her Dom or Owner. Friend consequently did not need Play Partner's permission to play w/ others cause she is not His property, and she & Play Partner both knew that Play Partner was not to be involved in the scene. He barges in anyway, and Friend commences to blow Him right there.

So what I want to know is, why didn't the OP's Dom address the situation immediately, at the time, before Friend's mouth was on Play Partners cock, when it would've been easier to make Him leave? I don't suppose it'd work very well to yank Friend by the hair and pull her off Play Partner's cock when the bj's underway. IMO, something should have been said to the DM then and there, but that's just me. Also I would never play with Friend again either....EVER. That is....unless.....I'm missing something here.

I don't think anyone in the situation is totally innocent. (1)Play Partner was rude to butt in, knowing He was not welcome or invited.....(2)Friend was rude to include PP in the scene against the plan....subspace or not, knowing that PP was not invited to be in it and was not supposed to be.....(3)the OP should have let her Dominant know at the time exactly how this fiasco affected her, rather than expecting on-line strangers who weren't there to resolve the situation, and.....(4)the OP's Dom should have handled the situation at the time rather than later. I would just not ever play w/ Friend again, since she obviously can't play by the rules/plan. Again, just my opinion.

~sweetsub~



Archer -> RE: Scene interruption: what now? (9/14/2010 1:45:53 PM)

Oh next unaddressed point. What kind of club permits no barrier sexual contact in the club these days??????????????

I mean if the guy whips it out and she starts sucking I can see how it might be quick enough to be happening before you have a chance to say something. (well not really but for the purposes of this statement I'll go with it) But if you try to tell me that stopping the intrusion during the time it takes to apply a condom to a "play partner's"  cock wasn't possible, I'm gonna have to laugh in your face.

That point made sory but chicky is off the play list because she's not practicing safer sex.


The DM should have had the ability to stop the scene based on the no barriers aspect. Well in every dungeon I've ever been in they insist at the very least on safer sex practices.



sweetsub1957 -> RE: Scene interruption: what now? (9/14/2010 6:37:02 PM)

Archer,
I absolutely agree with You. There should have been a barrier/condom on Play Partner and putting it there would have taken sufficient time that the act could have been stopped before it started. And if there wasn't a condom involved, the act should have been stopped based on no barriers being involved. I thought that was common practice, but I'm naive or something. Friend would sure as hell have been off my playlist......permanently.

~sweetsub~



AquaticSub -> RE: Scene interruption: what now? (9/14/2010 6:55:47 PM)

This would never have occured to me honestly. Around here (at least where I've been) the standard policy is no sex, oral or otherwise. A few places allow for private scenes where more initmate activities may occur but they are definately not anywhere near the couchs. I've been to few smaller, private play groups where sex was allowed and, as they were private parties, no barriers were required. It seemed the unspoken assumption that anyone who chose to have sex had already had all the required talks about going without barriers. Though, that said, at least one of them condoms and dental dams were provided freely.



atractivenuisane -> RE: Scene interruption: what now? (9/16/2010 12:36:31 PM)

To answer the questions, this is a purely BDSM club, although I don't know who self-identifies as a swinger rather than a kinkster. I'd seen several scenes on the couches that evening and others, so I presumed it was a place to play (probably not to be swinging floggers). As to the barrier methods, my boyfriend and I are fluid-bonded so I didn't stop to think about her not using barriers with Monsieur play-partner.

As to my Dom not stepping in, that's something we've discussed extensively. As to me not piping up at the time, I didn't know then I'd still be carrying a grudge about that a full month later. Kind've why I started this thread. As to not playing with my friend in the future, I don't know about you all, but I'm not so overloaded with cute subbie women that I can ditch one just because she has issues respecting boundaries. I won't be playing with her public ever again...or when she might have someone visiting the place we're playing...or when any handymen are scheduled to come over.

As to this thread, I'd come by looking for a bit of support, some suggestions, maybe a smidgeon of sympathy. The responses I got were generally none of the above, so I'll accept that the thread was ill-concieved, public play isn't for me, and that collarme, while sometimes great, is sometimes not that great for advice.



AquaticSub -> RE: Scene interruption: what now? (9/16/2010 12:51:45 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: atractivenuisane

To answer the questions, this is a purely BDSM club, although I don't know who self-identifies as a swinger rather than a kinkster. I'd seen several scenes on the couches that evening and others, so I presumed it was a place to play (probably not to be swinging floggers). As to the barrier methods, my boyfriend and I are fluid-bonded so I didn't stop to think about her not using barriers with Monsieur play-partner.


Interesting. The couch thing is definately unusual in my experience athough I'm certainly with you about the barrier. If someone did that, I'd just assume they were fluid-bonded as well.
quote:


As to my Dom not stepping in, that's something we've discussed extensively. As to me not piping up at the time, I didn't know then I'd still be carrying a grudge about that a full month later. Kind've why I started this thread. As to not playing with my friend in the future, I don't know about you all, but I'm not so overloaded with cute subbie women that I can ditch one just because she has issues respecting boundaries. I won't be playing with her public ever again...or when she might have someone visiting the place we're playing...or when any handymen are scheduled to come over.


Sounds wise to me and what people have been suggesting. But I would say, take care. If she doesn't respect your wishes here, there is chance she won't in other areas as well. Particularly if ya'll are sexually active together. No matter how few cute submissives you have to play with, you have to decide if having a play partner is worth playing with someone who doesn't respect what you want.
quote:


As to this thread, I'd come by looking for a bit of support, some suggestions, maybe a smidgeon of sympathy. The responses I got were generally none of the above, so I'll accept that the thread was ill-concieved, public play isn't for me, and that collarme, while sometimes great, is sometimes not that great for advice.

Actually you got great advice. You are even following it.

You just didn't get a bunch of people going "OMG UR RIGHT THAT GUY WAS SUCH A DICK". Instead you got people asking why you, your dominant and your friend didn't do anything in the moment, why you don't accept that your dominant handled the matter when your dominant spoke to him, and why you don't blame your friend at all when she sucked his dick in the middle of your scene.

You seem intelligent and no one is attacking you. We just aren't agreeing with you.



Madame4a -> RE: Scene interruption: what now? (9/16/2010 12:59:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: atractivenuisane

To answer the questions, this is a purely BDSM club, although I don't know who self-identifies as a swinger rather than a kinkster. I'd seen several scenes on the couches that evening and others, so I presumed it was a place to play (probably not to be swinging floggers). As to the barrier methods, my boyfriend and I are fluid-bonded so I didn't stop to think about her not using barriers with Monsieur play-partner.

As to my Dom not stepping in, that's something we've discussed extensively. As to me not piping up at the time, I didn't know then I'd still be carrying a grudge about that a full month later. Kind've why I started this thread. As to not playing with my friend in the future, I don't know about you all, but I'm not so overloaded with cute subbie women that I can ditch one just because she has issues respecting boundaries. I won't be playing with her public ever again...or when she might have someone visiting the place we're playing...or when any handymen are scheduled to come over.

As to this thread, I'd come by looking for a bit of support, some suggestions, maybe a smidgeon of sympathy. The responses I got were generally none of the above, so I'll accept that the thread was ill-concieved, public play isn't for me, and that collarme, while sometimes great, is sometimes not that great for advice.


I think you got several good suggestions, and at least a smidgeon of sympathy. ... you got some support too -- I think for the most part, everyone thought what happened wasn't pleasant and was out of line. Yes, people looked elsewhere for blame, cause ... reasons... beyond where you were looking, but one thing I know for myself and I've noted around here in others-- maybe its an overall SM/leather thing but -- personal responsiblity is something people will hold you to. Personally, when things go wrong, no matter what part of my life it is, I look to myself first and see what I've done wrong or how I could do it better.

I'm sorry you didn't get exactly what you wanted.. but who ever does in life?

FYI -- here's my suggestion to you.. don't settle for someone who has issues respecting boundaries... it will come back to bite you in the ass



juliaoceania -> RE: Scene interruption: what now? (9/16/2010 1:04:28 PM)

quote:

As to this thread, I'd come by looking for a bit of support, some suggestions, maybe a smidgeon of sympathy. The responses I got were generally none of the above, so I'll accept that the thread was ill-concieved, public play isn't for me, and that collarme, while sometimes great, is sometimes not that great for advice.


So we are supposed to give the replies of support that you have scripted in your mind? If we do not say what you want to hear, we are automatically giving bad advice? Some of the most valuable advice I have ever received was advice I didn't want to hear, the problem wasn't the advice, it was with me.

I do not agree that your thread was ill conceived. It was very valuable for me. I went to my first munch recently, and I had been invited to go along with people to the local dungeon in my city. I got a lot out of this thread, so maybe you didn't, but then again this message board isn't all about you, or anyone else for that matter.




allthatjaz -> RE: Scene interruption: what now? (9/16/2010 1:18:23 PM)



You got a whole heap of good advice and things to consider. People made time and effort to come to your thread and write their thoughts down and all you can say is 'Collar Me is sometimes not great for advice' What you should of said is, thanks for the input everyone but I really didn't get the advice I wanted. [8|]



VaguelyCurious -> RE: Scene interruption: what now? (9/16/2010 2:21:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: atractivenuisane

As to this thread, I'd come by looking for a bit of support, some suggestions, maybe a smidgeon of sympathy.

Support for what? Your 'I never want to play in public again because someone sucked someone else's dick' overreaction of an attitude? Your unfair apportioning of the blame (now apparently because you don't think you'll get another play partner so you can't blame this one)?

Suggestions of what? How to deal with something that happened a month ago? The best we can do is say 'don't do it again, and vet your play partners better', although apparently you're unwilling to do the second of those things anyway.

Sympathy? Again, for what? Someone else got a blowjob that didn't involve you. What exactly have you gone through here?

quote:

The responses I got were generally none of the above, so I'll accept that the thread was ill-concieved, public play isn't for me, and that collarme, while sometimes great, is sometimes not that great for advice.

Julia says she's got something out of the thread so I'm not going to call it ill-conceived, and while public play in the freaky 'feel free to have unprotected sex on the couches' club probably isn't for you it is probably an overreaction to write off all public play on the basis of one blowjob communication cock-up.

As for the advice? There's no good advice to give you, other than 'don't play with this woman in public, and the next time something goes wrong deal with it at the time', both of which are things I'm willing to bet you knew before you posted.



Archer -> RE: Scene interruption: what now? (9/16/2010 2:47:06 PM)

I'm cool with the idea of people being fluid bonded.
My point was that this fluid bonding between her and the "play partner" seems a bit free and easy with who this girl is willing to be fluid bound with.

Maybe I'm just an old stick in the mud but fluid bonding is serious commitment level for me. Not something I do with someone who is not in a committed relationship.

Now I could have one or the other thing read wrong.

Is this a "casual play partner" and if so then why is she fluid bonded with him and how many other casual play partners is she fluid bound with?  Not to pass judgement but so that I can evaluate my risks.

Is this a committed relationship where fluid bonding is to be expected? and if so then why was that point minimized in the original posting?

MY (old stick in the mud having started out when HIV was killing much larger numbers than it kills today due to better treatments now) idea of how involved I am when I consider fluid bonding may be different than yours.

I'm asking because we all need to be asking and considering what are the fluid bonding habits of those people we play with?????????????
You don;t have to have the same rules about when it should happen as I have, but please at the very least you need to be asking the questions at some point.



peppermint -> RE: Scene interruption: what now? (9/16/2010 8:08:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer

Oh next unaddressed point. What kind of club permits no barrier sexual contact in the club these days??????????????



Actually the last time we went to a club where we used to be members they were having their first play party where barriers were not required.  To monitor the situation only members of the committee who decided on this relaxation of the rules were DMs that night.  Since we were not able to go there last year due to medical reasons, I'm not sure if they have reinstated the barrier rule or not.  We'll find out this year as we should be able to attend a function or two this winter.  Personally I was a bit surprised when I found out about no condoms being required. 



DesFIP -> RE: Scene interruption: what now? (9/17/2010 6:51:17 AM)

Everyone says that the op was right to exclude talking the the girl's partner because he isn't her owner. What if it was a nonpower husband? Would she still be right to exclude him? A sub/sub pair? They are regular partners which means they have some kind of relationship. To me, the relationship is by itself enough of a factor that either you talk to both of them, or you don't play with just one.

I can see that the op didn't want to say to this girl, "I want to play with you but I'm not willing to talk to Joe because he's a fucktard" or whatever, but that doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy being regular partners with him. You either play the hand you're dealt or you fold.



OsideGirl -> RE: Scene interruption: what now? (9/17/2010 7:07:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
Support for what? Your 'I never want to play in public again because someone sucked someone else's dick' overreaction of an attitude? Your unfair apportioning of the blame (now apparently because you don't think you'll get another play partner so you can't blame this one)?

Suggestions of what? How to deal with something that happened a month ago? The best we can do is say 'don't do it again, and vet your play partners better', although apparently you're unwilling to do the second of those things anyway.

Sympathy? Again, for what? Someone else got a blowjob that didn't involve you. What exactly have you gone through here?

This pretty much hit the nail on the head for my thoughts.



mistoferin -> RE: Scene interruption: what now? (9/17/2010 7:45:40 AM)

quote:

As to not playing with my friend in the future, I don't know about you all, but I'm not so overloaded with cute subbie women that I can ditch one just because she has issues respecting boundaries.


So you're hard up and willing to tolerate bullshit because you don't think you can do better? Sad. I far prefer quality to quantity.



CreativeDominant -> RE: Scene interruption: what now? (9/17/2010 7:58:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: atractivenuisane

To answer the questions, this is a purely BDSM club, although I don't know who self-identifies as a swinger rather than a kinkster. I'd seen several scenes on the couches that evening and others, so I presumed it was a place to play (probably not to be swinging floggers). As to the barrier methods, my boyfriend and I are fluid-bonded so I didn't stop to think about her not using barriers with Monsieur play-partner.
you and your partner are fluid-bonded.  Given that your play partner sucked off HER play-partner without the benefit of a condom (at least, you didn't mention one), is it possible that...despite her words or yours...that there may be something more going on between them?

quote:

As to my Dom not stepping in, that's something we've discussed extensively. As to me not piping up at the time, I didn't know then I'd still be carrying a grudge about that a full month later. Kind've why I started this thread. As to not playing with my friend in the future, I don't know about you all, but I'm not so overloaded with cute subbie women that I can ditch one just because she has issues respecting boundaries. I won't be playing with her public ever again...or when she might have someone visiting the place we're playing...or when any handymen are scheduled to come over.
quote:

That's rather a cruel remark to make isn't it?  The slam about the handymen?  she didn't suck off the handymen, she sucked off "one of" her play partners.  Which again goes to show that...despite her words and yours...that she has less of a problem with engaging him sexually than you do.


As to this thread, I'd come by looking for a bit of support, some suggestions, maybe a smidgeon of sympathy. The responses I got were generally none of the above, so I'll accept that the thread was ill-concieved, public play isn't for me, and that collarme, while sometimes great, is sometimes not that great for advice.
Not great because...we don't see things totally your way?  Because some of us don't insist on laying all the blame on him?  Because some of us actually believe that tis possible that the reason he was following her around was because she'd promised to play with him that night but then...like many a social butterfly you see at the clubs...got so caught up in playing with those available to her, she kept putting him off and he wanted what he'd been promised?  Because some here have actually dared to tell you that it was rude of you to deliberately target her to play with but not her partner simply because you've played with her before...possibly before she picked up this lover?  Can't help but wonder if that isn't part of it too...you want the play partner you had before she started seeing this guy (who you've admitted you don't like) and the simplest way to do so is to make her feel 'special' with the invitation that you only want to play with her. 

Like I said, if I'd have been him...I'd have probably eventually told her "fuck off".  ~shrugs~  But then, like mist...only from the dominant male side where the choices are even slimmer... I'd rather have quality than quantity. 



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