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Where'd the switch go? - 4/24/2006 2:54:17 AM

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My partner and I are both poly, bi, switches. When we first got together I was Dom. Then we switched around a little. After a bit, he became Dom. Now he no longer feels submissive towards me sexually. He still feels submissive, until we start 'fooling around' then it goes. Any ideas for how to get things back on track?

RE: Where'd the switch go? - 4/24/2006 6:50:42 AM

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         You don't mention how long this situation has been going on, so might I suggest a look at other factors going on in his life?

         In my line of work, there are seasons when I just work too damn hard and until it is over, I'm unwilling to submit to anyone or anything. I fear that if I lose my grip on control I won't get it back.

         My advice would be to communicate and see if you can talk through it. Maybe focus a scene around exactly what he likes on the bottom and remind him how much fun it can be down there.

(in reply to Lionesss)

RE: Where'd the switch go? - 4/24/2006 8:46:27 AM

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Yeah get him into a scene which he finds a big turn on and try that. Also remind him that you have a dom side that needs to come out and play as well. If he can't deal with this, it might be time to find another partner to play with. You certainly don't want him squishing your dom side, that will only serve to frustrate you and make you less likely to want to serve him in a sub capacity.

~Lashra

(in reply to WyrdRich)

RE: Where'd the switch go? - 4/24/2006 3:02:29 PM

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Well, the last time we had a successful session with me being Dom, it was at least five months ago. There were other factors going on in both our lives at the time. He was stressed with exams, which makes him more sub. At the height of his stress I wasn't feeling Dominant so his desire wasn't fulfilled. I was working full time and our hours were incompatible. We have spoken about it on numerous occasions. I decided to ask here because everything I came up with wasn't working.

The sticking point is that he stops feeling submissive toward me when the actual scene starts. So getting him into a scene is not possible at this point. During the build up he feels submissive and he has told me that when the scene starts he feels I'm 'not there'. For me what happens is that because I haven't been Dom for so long I'm very nervous and am probably trying too hard, which may be why I come across as not 'being there'.

(in reply to Lashra)

RE: Where'd the switch go? - 4/24/2006 3:19:42 PM

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Read some books on female domination those will certainly help. If he wants you to build up your confidence he needs to let you dom, if he can't do that then like I said it might be time to find another play partner who you can do that with.

Good luck

~Lashra

(in reply to Lionesss)

RE: Where'd the switch go? - 4/24/2006 9:02:04 PM

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it might be time to find another play partner who you can do that with.

If only it were that simple. He's not just my play partner though, we're in a committed relationship and live together. If he were solely a play partner that would definitely be a road I'd be looking down.

Thanks for your advice though, I will see what I can do with it.

(in reply to Lashra)

RE: Where'd the switch go? - 4/24/2006 9:30:13 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lionesss
I'm very nervous and am probably trying too hard, which may be why I come across as not 'being there'.

         So relax. Have a nice glass of wine and just let the scene flow seamlessly from unwinding after a long day or week. Don't try to be anything you aren't or do anything you don't feel like doing. Not every scene needs to be production number.

          You mention he's ok until things get started and then he feels it slipping away. We sometimes switch in mid-scene. I started a thread on that a few weeks ago and while it doesn't work for everybody it might be worth a shot for you two.

         Best wishes to you.

(in reply to Lionesss)

RE: Where'd the switch go? - 4/25/2006 3:54:52 AM

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Thankyou for your helpful words.

We have switched a couple of times mid-scene. I found it a little weird adjusting to the change of mindset in such a small amount of time, but it worked. I'll suggest that we try that - rather than give up altogether, which is what has been happening - and see how we go.

(in reply to WyrdRich)

RE: Where'd the switch go? - 4/27/2006 7:08:56 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lionesss

it might be time to find another play partner who you can do that with.

If only it were that simple. He's not just my play partner though, we're in a committed relationship and live together. If he were solely a play partner that would definitely be a road I'd be looking down.

Thanks for your advice though, I will see what I can do with it.

If you're poly, maybe it would help for you to find a submissive outlet outside the relationship.

(in reply to Lionesss)

RE: Where'd the switch go? - 4/28/2006 6:27:33 AM

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Is it possible that his "view" of you has changed, either slightly or as a whole?

Just a thought.

- Dustyn

_____________________________

Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.

Murderer?! Murderer! Let me tell you something about murder. It's fun; it's easy; you gonna learn ALL about it. - Tin Tin

Can you be more amusing?

(in reply to SweetPosession)

RE: Where'd the switch go? - 4/28/2006 6:54:58 PM

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That's what I'm here for.

(in reply to SweetPosession)

RE: Where'd the switch go? - 4/28/2006 6:57:24 PM

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Yeah, he said it has changed somewhat. But we're working on trying to get it back to where it was before. Part of the trouble was that we both become submissive at times of stress and were stressed out at the same time.

(in reply to Dustyn)

RE: Where'd the switch go? - 4/28/2006 8:37:42 PM

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You might consider putting off play until your other stressors are cleared up.

Just be there for each other mutually and without a power exchange.

Good Luck.

Best,

LaMalinche

(in reply to Lionesss)

RE: Where'd the switch go? - 4/28/2006 11:44:58 PM

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Damn, and I was gonna suggest that exact same thing... things will fit into your life when there is space...

- Dustyn

_____________________________

Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.

Murderer?! Murderer! Let me tell you something about murder. It's fun; it's easy; you gonna learn ALL about it. - Tin Tin

Can you be more amusing?

(in reply to LaMalinche)

RE: Where'd the switch go? - 4/29/2006 5:31:19 AM

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We're definitely more vanilla at the moment. I guess I just need more patience. That seems to be a life-long lesson!

(in reply to LaMalinche)

RE: Where'd the switch go? - 4/29/2006 11:08:00 AM

SlavepetEnslaver

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I am a dominant, at one point I was switching more so, but realized after some time being a dominant is who I was, personally in my eyes discovering yourself helps you figure whom you are, I personally think everyone should explore,experiment,switch to find where they belong in the lifestyle and if it is being a switch its alright, I chose being a domme since its always been whom I am at a person

Now sorry for getting off topic for that brief moment, I believe you both should take a break and discuss your desires, what you wish to find for yourself, talk deeply of both what you desire then see where it goes...and whatever is more comfortable for both of you do.....Comprmise!

I believe as well to be there without the power exchange for awhile to see where things go,but feel free to experiment if it grabs you.

(in reply to Lionesss)

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