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An unfamiliar newbie with questions - 4/24/2006 10:59:49 AM

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Joined: 4/24/2006
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Hi there. I marked myself a 'switch' on my profile, however, I'm not sure as to its accuracy. My dilemna is this: A woman I've begun dating recently would like to explore being tied up and dominated. I am a creative person, and am dominant in some regards, but in the bedroom I am respectful(however, not reserved when given permission). Basically - once I've got her tied up, with scarves, or whatnot, what do I do with her? I know she is interested in light spanking as well. I think I'd find a hand to be much more intimate than toys. I'd like to fulfill her roleplaying fantasies, but it doesn't seem to be very dominant to ask someone what they want you to do, right? All net searches on "how to dominate a woman" result in some jerkoff trying to sell some "don't take crap from women" book. Help!

< Message edited by adagiogray -- 4/24/2006 11:01:30 AM >

RE: An unfamiliar newbie with questions - 4/24/2006 11:19:45 AM

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I suggest talking to her to find out what she wants and expects.
If you choose not to do this then you risk being "too soft" or "a sadistic animal" either extreme will result in an unfulfilling experience. Generally, starting very light and gradually building sensation based on the subs response is a good common-sense approach.
Don't forget to think through your side of the deal-what do you want to do and how do you feel about it?
You might try reading some of the books on bdsm
-John Wiseman or Hardy and Easton have chapters on negotiation.
Hope this is hepful.

(in reply to adagiogray)

RE: An unfamiliar newbie with questions - 4/24/2006 12:26:11 PM

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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If you want in her head to know what she wants ask her to write a sexual fantasy journal, the chances are very good she will be more than happy to, and you can use this information to create the environment that will please her and please you too.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to ArtfulTrainer)

RE: An unfamiliar newbie with questions - 4/24/2006 12:31:14 PM

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quote:

Basically - once I've got her tied up, with scarves, or whatnot, what do I do with her? I know she is interested in light spanking as well. I think I'd find a hand to be much more intimate than toys. I'd like to fulfill her roleplaying fantasies, but it doesn't seem to be very dominant to ask someone what they want you to do, right?

When Hubby and i first started exploring this way, i was the one with some experience so He often asked "what else do you want me to do?" and that is how i introduced Him to what i enjoyed. I see nothing wrong with that, i wasn't ordering Him to do anything.

What you do depends on whether she enjoys pain or sensual play or a combination. Personally when tied i love to be blindfolded and have Him apply a mixture of pain and sensual touching, I love the use of a feather as well as clothes pins, flogging, etc. I suggest you talk to her and find out what she enjoys, then have fun.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to adagiogray)

RE: An unfamiliar newbie with questions - 4/24/2006 3:25:46 PM

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From: Newcastle, Australia
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Looks like you've stumbled at the first hurdle.... It's all very well to look after your partner's needs (I like to do that for my girl, too) but your problem is that you seem to have ignored your own! And if you don't know what to do with a consensually helpless partner, I'd hafta think being in control is NOT your need.

You need to start over and I'd suggest *communication* with your partner is always an excellent point to begin. It's VERY dominant to ask what she wants, if you wanna put it that way. Most things I prefer to find out for myself but that doesn't change the fact that no-one knows what she likes and dislikes better than herself!

And while you're communicating with her, you might try some honesty about what *YOU* want, like and need from your partner, even if it seems at odds with hers. That means being honest with yourself first! It's not "very dominant" to solely concentrate on pleasing your partner - *everyone* has their own needs, too!

Focus.

(in reply to adagiogray)

RE: An unfamiliar newbie with questions - 4/24/2006 4:38:56 PM

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Good point Focus, I've always believed - 2 people, 2 sets of needs. I suggest setting aside a time away from the action and discuss these things. How else will you ever know for sure? You can certainly pick up some signals from her reactions, but it's best to have a plan. And don't forget about things you like. You know....she doesn't have to enjoy every single thing you do to her.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Focus50)

RE: An unfamiliar newbie with questions - 4/24/2006 4:53:57 PM

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Absolutely set aside some time and discuss what each of you like, dislike and what she wants out of the experience. I don't see anyting wrong with that either. Yes, have a plan, but be flexible. Deviate from the plan if things seem to be moving in a direction you both like. Have some fun with this.

(in reply to KatyLied)

RE: An unfamiliar newbie with questions - 4/24/2006 6:25:36 PM

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Hi and welcome,

I would simply echo what has been said. Sit down and talk about it. Then YOU decide what you want to do, and how much of what she wants do you want to give? If I was researching this, I would go to the ask a submissive section. Ask them what they like and why, and what they hate and why. You will likely get a different answer from each post, but you will get ideas. Best of luck to you both!

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to adagiogray)

RE: An unfamiliar newbie with questions - 4/24/2006 9:19:19 PM

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In addition to the terrific advice, you might read some--both fiction and non-fiction. I'd ask her what her favorite fiction is (or tell her to read to you--I'm a sucker for the Anne Rice Beauty novels but knowing her favorites might be a way to get her to communicate in a less embarrassing way to begin with) and you might check out one of the non-fictions, like Sensuous Magic, The Loving Dominant, or Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns. (And I'm sure there are a zillion other great ones out there.)

I think she is lucky to have found you. The question as to whether you are lucky to have found her is yet to be answered--does it excite you? There are trade-offs with everything and, imo, unless you find it deeply exciting and erotic and fulfilling some deeper part of your nature, the trade-offs may not be worth it for you. I tried every way I could imagine to avoid being here. While I'm very glad to finally have gotten off with my life and accepted it, I don't know that I'd wish it on anyone to do this just to please your partner, but I think it may get under your skin. Just my two cents.

(in reply to Cloudz)

RE: An unfamiliar newbie with questions - 4/24/2006 10:07:14 PM

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        WOO-HOO!!!!!!    You've got something good there my friend. You said "not reserved when give permission," so as soon as she holds still for that first tie-down, that's your permission slip. Give her a way to address you (Sir, Master, StudMonsterMidnight, whatever sounds fun to you) and let the games begin. You'll find some excellent information by doing a search for "BDSM safety" instead of a more specific "how to." Make sure you have safewords (green, yellow, red are pretty intuitive).

        Try using a light wooden spoon instead of your hand. I'd suggest testing it on your inner thigh so you know exactly what you are dishing out. You want to warm her up before a good stern hand-spanking. No reason to limit yourself to the buttocks either.

        The most important thing is to relax and be yourself. The first time I tried Domination in a formal sense, I thought I was supposed to behave in a certain way. Complete disaster. I'm not "The Loving Dominant" (No offense to Mr Warren), I'm more "The Asshole in Control." You have a bound, nude woman in front of you and she wants to be there. It really doesn't get better than that without Hershey's Syrup.

        Have fun.

(in reply to adagiogray)

RE: An unfamiliar newbie with questions - 4/24/2006 10:21:53 PM

slaverosebeauty

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From: Cali
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mmmmmmmmmmmmmm bondage.

Ditto on the books that ladychatterley suggested, they are great books, and "Screw the Roses.. "is an EXCELLENT book to get the basics from, it talks 'to' you and its easy to understand. I have mine with a ton of flags marking things I want to try, limits, things I LOVE and the like; they have a wonderfull play checklist you can copy [they give you permission to copy for personal use] and go over, that would give you an idea of limits and things you both may want to try. The Sleeping Beauty Triology is a bit hardercore, but a delicious read nonetheless.

All this talk about tieing someone up and spanking makes me crave it that much more. Sheesh, you all are such a group of teases.

Honestly, take your tie and enjoy your partner. Look around the house for things to use on her while she is is bound, a few ideas to get your mind going: baboo scewers, books, belt, ice, fur, hairbrush, ... thats a start. Enjoy.

_____________________________

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(in reply to WyrdRich)

RE: An unfamiliar newbie with questions - 4/25/2006 3:16:26 AM

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I would agree with talking to her/communication, but I suppose it would eliminate some of the 'spontaneity' though. I am a gentle but firm person in most aspects of my life. Both of us are 'pleasers' and want to be sure the other person is getting what they want out of things, but we just haven't really explored this much. She's been hinting at it, however. Thanks for the reading tips!

(in reply to ArtfulTrainer)

RE: An unfamiliar newbie with questions - 4/25/2006 3:19:53 AM

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Yes, she has actually written a few short fantasy stories, however, she has always had the female lead as a dominating personality (often, literally a succubus). I'll have to ask her to come up with a scenario that would be pleasing to her. I admit to my ignorance in this realm - I've always heard from friends that the sub is the one truly in control of the situation, but I was under the assumption that to dominate I should "know what to do" without guidance.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

RE: An unfamiliar newbie with questions - 4/25/2006 3:27:09 AM

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Joined: 4/24/2006
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Very insightful. As I mentioned in another reply, we both seem to be 'pleasers' and get satisfaction from pleasing one another. This is a pretty new relationship, so we're still very much feeling one another out. I confess to my relative vanilla-ness as well. I like a little kink as much as the next guy, but I've never required toys or roleplay for my fulfillment in this arena. I was of the opinion that 'something was wrong' if a person needed those things to enjoy themselves. Now I am beginning to see it as expanded opportunities to explore. I'm open minded, just inexperienced.

(in reply to Focus50)

RE: An unfamiliar newbie with questions - 4/25/2006 3:30:05 AM

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Yes, I purchased massage gloves (the Fukouku ones), one for each hand. We've also begun taking a look at www.erosboutique.org together. I guess patience, and more talking is what's in order.

(in reply to proudsub)

RE: An unfamiliar newbie with questions - 4/25/2006 3:38:53 AM

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I've read the Anne Rampling(Anne Rice) Sleeping Beauty series of novels. I was a bit disappointed to find that they got a bit repetivite. As far as my needs/does it excite me, I'm admittedly still a bit insecure about it - questions rise in my head like "am I not good enough if I'm not doing X", "why does she need this", etc. I don't see dom/subbing as bad or wrong, I've just never required it. Combined with my Christian background and the fact that it's a new relationship, things still feel a bit vulnerable. This has opened up more cans of worms than I anticipated - but I definitely appreciate the honest responses.

(in reply to ladychatterley)

RE: An unfamiliar newbie with questions - 4/25/2006 3:46:22 AM

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Try reading 9 1/2 weeks.

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

(in reply to adagiogray)

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