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RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/14/2010 2:02:06 PM   
Steelslilbit


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Heh, hopefully not too much longer.  He's a stubborn little devil, that much is for certain.

OH!  I had thought about something else for this thread while I was awake being beaten to death from the inside last night....While you are thinking about what all you are looking for in that special someone, pick like one or two things that you ABSOLUTELY have to have, some things you can be flexible on, and some things that are just extra bonus'.  If you lay out exactly what you want with no flexibility..... no one is going to fit the bill.

In other words, looking for someone to dominate, or just to play with to a lesser extent, is a lot like finding a relationship in the vanilla world.  It's definitely going to take some time, and you need to be patient and take that time.  Finding someone to dominate just to say you found someone is NOT going to be fulfilling or lasting in the long run.

Okay, so some people get hugely lucky and it works out.  But that's beside the point.  ^.^

Lil Bit


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(in reply to BonesFromAsh)
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RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/15/2010 8:53:44 PM   
sirden1959


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I believe you can be sensual as a Dom or sub.... but its hard to find those who seek the same... you don't need to be a sadist...mean asshole....... but that's my two cents

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RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/18/2010 8:57:18 AM   
DarklySubtle


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Steelslilbit

Best of luck to you DarklySubtle. :D

Lil Bit

I wanted to thank the additional responders, especially Lil Bit for her thoughtfulness and the care she took with her posts. My best wishes to you and your new child, Lil Bit.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
Also, I'd suggest deleting your journal entries because they sound like they describe a voyeur, not someone who is there and hands-on.


I decided to take DarkSteven's advice and delete my first two journal entries, because people's comments about their effect on the reader were pretty uniform, and that just won't do: I will freely admit to enjoying voyeurism (What guy doesn't love to look?), but the image of me as someone who might not lay hands on a woman is an unendurable caricature. No, no, ladies, to deliver yourself over to me is like standing a still pool of warm water as it slowly rises. Does water simply observe you? Or does it find you, in every place, inch by inch, until it has you, submerging and then lifting you, laying you back; until finally you're floating; utterly known and claimed at last...?

< Message edited by DarklySubtle -- 10/18/2010 10:07:39 AM >

(in reply to Steelslilbit)
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RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/26/2010 6:35:19 AM   
DesFIP


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarklySubtle

No, really, DesFIP - Tell me how you feel!

Ok, let me be serious, since your question obviously is. I'll start by saying that, although I've been in a number of online relationships, I have NEVER dumped ANYONE.



I didn't really think you were doing that. But it is how your profile reads, that your thrill comes in getting her to that point. So do you still enjoy it when she doesn't need you to help her access her deepest sexuality? Or is the thrill for you in getting her to that spot, at which point the thrill is gone? Since I'm assuming you aren't averse to an ongoing relationship, I would suggest you reword the profile so it doesn't suggest that.


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RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/28/2010 10:42:56 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

In my experience, nice-guys-with-a-backbone totally finish first.  It's very hard for women to find a man who is genuinely compassionate but still willing to perform unspeakable acts upon her.


I love me a nice guy with a backbone. Jellyfish make terrible lovers - although, I have been dominated out of the water by them before.

Seriously though, the first thing I look for in a dominant partner, is kindness and compassion. There is strength in those qualities.
WinD

(in reply to RedMagic1)
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RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/28/2010 5:27:57 PM   
SorceressJ


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quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance
I love me a nice guy with a backbone.


Totally. Those are the BESTEST..




Attachment (1)

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RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 10/31/2010 12:53:47 PM   
IronBear


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I suppose it boils down to what you define as "nice guys". It's been mooted about for decades the ladies like nice guys with good manners but fall head over heals for the bad boy image. It's been my experience that too often the younger ladies are attracted to the bad boy image (lost a few ladies because my image wasn't bad enough heh.. Little did they know). However I have also found that smart ladies are also attracted to strong men. Men with a strength of character who will take no crap and draw a line and defend it. there is a huge difference between bad boys and strong men many of whom fall into the nice guy category.

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RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 11/1/2010 9:07:15 PM   
DarklySubtle


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

So do you still enjoy it when she doesn't need you to help her access her deepest sexuality? Or is the thrill for you in getting her to that spot, at which point the thrill is gone?


It isn't really so pat, DesFIP.

Not everyone comes looking for that, in the first place. But even assuming that they do, it isn't as though I have a five-week program to get them there. Especially online or over the phone.

As I mentioned earlier, that's one reason why I'm looking for real-life partners now: It's just hard to keep a relationship going with someone who lives in another state (or country) and whom you've never actually met in the flesh. And as far as D/s goes, I hardly need say that there's just so much...more that can be done in person.

So, my real answer right now is that I don't have the answer yet, but I really don't think so. My experience to this point indicates that if boredom is going to set in, it's likely to do so well before the point at which she has learned to "access her deepest sexuality", and we're probably BOTH going to feel it.

On the other hand, if my connection with someone is so strong that she really does stay long enough to find a new ease with her sexual self, why would I push her away, just when I've helped her to come into her own? If I like HER as a person, I'm bound to like her new confidence as well.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Since I'm assuming you aren't averse to an ongoing relationship, I would suggest you reword the profile so it doesn't suggest that.



Thank you for letting me know that it reads that way to you: I've been meaning to do some rewriting anyway, so I'll see about clarifying that aspect. Because having a suggestive profile is fine, but I really don't want it suggesting the wrong thing...

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 11/7/2010 8:38:10 PM   
MistressRage


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Darling, if you were a stereotypical male Dom you would be far less interesting. Be one of a kind and not one in a million. I know many people and a lot of them are Doms but not Sadists. I've never seen anyone not take them seriously unless they were just douchebaggy types of people. Welcome to real time :)



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RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 11/13/2010 6:09:45 PM   
kinkycouple4u72


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To "Hereyesuponyou"

Very well said!!

(in reply to hereyesruponyou)
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RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 11/19/2010 11:58:35 AM   
xssve


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

The problem I have with your profile is that you appear to be looking for women with serious psychosexual hangups who are not self aware. So what happens after she comes to grips with her deep seated desires? You don't have anything else to do together so you need to dump her and find someone new?

That by itself would make me not want to meet you.


If that's the case, then a lot of women suffer from it, because that's exactly what they do to, and expect from us - a "nice guy" who will fuck mercilessly fuck their brains out - and I totally get it.

With women, I suspect its largely driven by biology, a man strong enough to carve out a comfortable space and get the job done, but who isn't going to kick her to the curb after he takes what he wants.

From a male perspective, and not to say this doesn't occur to women, it a more cerebral thing: it's the power of "corruption", of tearing down the walls of another's inhibitions - and yeah, there is a bit of a danger element to it, the whole fear of feminine insatiability, but the allure is not simply in the act of corruption, the satisfaction is in the give and take of trying to control the "beast" you've unleashed without necessarily "taming" her - it's kind of an animal thing, and it means that complete control is never an option, more like a roller coaster ride, a delicate balance between security and spontaneity.

There are variations of it of course, in another sense, it's a sort of junkie dynamic, i.e., the submissive will do whatever you want to get the "fix" - when a woman does it to a guy, we call it being "pussywhipped", and you could characterize it as a "psychosexual hangup", but it's a spark, and elsewhere others are complaining about no sparks, so I'm suggesting that you can easily overthink it if you try - truly insatiable women are not as common as the Madonna/Whore mythos would seem to suggest, that level of arousal is difficult to sustain - even women suffering from PGAS don't typically turn into insatiable sluts, they just need to "flip the switch" a little more frequently.

But I get the sense that DS, that you're aware that fantasy does not always translate directly to reality, for instance I see you expressed some interest in cuckolding, which is related, I say follow your instincts, perhaps look for women interested in that, and/or swinging as well - don't expect the next, or every woman you meet to be on the same page, but just have fun, and sooner or later you'll find one who will be.

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 11/19/2010 12:01:37 PM   
anniezz338


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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

In my experience, nice-guys-with-a-backbone totally finish first.  It's very hard for women to find a man who is genuinely compassionate but still willing to perform unspeakable acts upon her.


This :)

(in reply to RedMagic1)
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RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 11/19/2010 12:20:59 PM   
MrRodgers


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quote:

ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh

I agree with poise...everyone has their own style...their own way of dominating/submitting/topping/bottoming. Focus on, or learn, what works for you and don't be concerned with what works for others...unless you're curious and open to exploring something new.

As for your profile...

Think of it as an advertisment and you're the product on display. Accentuate the positive and downplay the negative. Worry less about judging other people and the dynamic they seek and instead explain what you're looking for and what you can offer a prospective partner. Keep this in mind when reading the first part of your profile.

Also, have a look at this.... For men: how to find a woman here

BTW...if you're looking to get offline, have a look at the FAQs Thread. At the bottom, you'll find a link for a site that offer lists of munches and groups in your area...MA has many.

Good luck and welcome!

You would be correct in that a profile is a form of advertisement. While those are good links, they do emphasize the same thing...this is profile sensitive. Even though a profile is a sort of digital side view, without it there is no view at all.

I have had it suggested to me and by more than one sub/slave sharp and with a real good head on their shoulders, to...'pimp-out' my profile. I may some day.

BUT, I thought this OP was about whether 'nice guys come in last' or can success be achieved by say the benevolent plunderer ? I say just such a dominant man can be successful and very much so because S/M is a kinky, sexual fetish the learning of which should never be a disqualifying detail at the beginning of any affair.

(in reply to BonesFromAsh)
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RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 11/19/2010 2:07:16 PM   
BonesFromAsh


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRodgers

BUT, I thought this OP was about whether 'nice guys come in last' or can success be achieved by say the benevolent plunderer ?


Found at the bottom of the original post is this...

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarklySubtle

By the way, I've noticed that replies to threads like this often include critiques of the OP's profile. I'm certainly open to sincere comments about mine, either here or via PM.



...hence my reason for offering profile advice.

(in reply to MrRodgers)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 11/27/2010 3:43:49 PM   
alaskan1961


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Joined: 11/19/2010
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Hell I would hope "there is a place for nice guys" or I am totally wrong for this lifestyle....lol I have not yet even played around at all and to be frank I am a bit overwhelmed, so here I am just putting myself out there hoping that I can reach out to a few cool people and learn what it is I need to learn to have a fulfilling life in BDSM...

A friend of mine said just to be myself, and it will come to you in time, so here I am patiently waiting... Heck it has been 49 years in this body, I am sure I can handle a few more months or however long it takes? Patience is not my strong point, but good things happen to them that wait... That's right isn't it?

So, I hope that htere is a place for nice guys, because I don't think I can change...lol Anyway, I don't think that I don't need to be mean to give someone something that they crave? Or do I? With my background, I think I have a way with the medical kink, so if that's what you are into, I'm your man.......... If anyone has any pointers please give them to me, as I want to be the best that I possibly can be....

(in reply to DarklySubtle)
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RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 11/28/2010 7:14:28 PM   
alaskan1961


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I have read through all of the comments on this thread, and being new, I probably have no idea what I am talking about, but I think it is possible to dominate someone with out leaving a mark or causing pain. I was in plenty of relationships where manipulation was used to get desired effects... If you have the confidence to pull it off, I think it would work.... Tell me if I am wrong? I have been wrong so many times in my life, one more time won't hurt....lol I am here to learn... TEACH ME

(in reply to BonesFromAsh)
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RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 12/2/2010 4:57:47 PM   
FredW


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I consider myself a 'nice guy'.  I often pick up my sub and ask what she wants for dinner.  I ask her what movies she wants to see.  I reserve the right to override it, but for the most part it isn't because I have no backbone, I just don't care about the details.  I go to things she wants to do, and she does things I want to do, because we are open to the experience and usually have a good time.

In the bedroom is the only place my dom side really shows. And if I don't think of her as an equal and interesting partner, I really don't care to do our 'unspeakable' stuff to her in the bedroom.  I don't want a stupid, uninteresting pain slut because domination of someone I can't respect does not interest me.

(in reply to alaskan1961)
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RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 12/5/2010 12:28:13 PM   
rick121x


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From: Las Vegas NV
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You can even be a "vanilla' dominant. We have all seen them, dominant males who cruelly berate and subjugate their mates - lord save me from ever seeing that again, for it truly causes pain in my heart. There are so many of them around - what a shame! Ok, so you don't have to have a BDSM flavored heart to be dominant.

In "our scene" domination may also include the above, but there is an awareness this behavior is inappropriate, and I would believe it is on the decline as more education and information becomes available. Generally domination is used to initiate and produce pleasure. There are those who put on the domination mask at certain times, and there are those who are instinctively dominant - alpha types, as it were.

Alpha types may be religiously guided, could even be deciples of the "devil" or may simply be knowledgeable, well balanced individuals who have been gifted with the physical attributes to support that role. And that seems to be what the ladies. most of them, are searching for.

We are out there! But the search and the finding may be long and difficult. You know, I have been to parties and munches for thirty something years and can count on my fingers the number of times I have begun relationships with an appropriate female subbie. One of those even lasted for five years! I consider myself extremely lucky for that! And yet I see some of our "membership" that seem to hook up so very easily - rarely a party goes by that they cannot make a connection. Some have "it", some don't.

Nevertheless, I love the "scene" with all of my heart, never expecting to lose interest.

Richard

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RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 2/8/2011 11:12:13 AM   
Dnomyar


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Op Im with Steven on this. We have the same style. Find yours and dont try to be what your not. It wont work. The people who say our style wont work are the ones crying about not finding anyone.

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RE: Is there a place for "nice guys"? - 3/16/2011 9:19:47 AM   
DarklySubtle


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Well, hello again. I haven't been much in evidence for quite awhile, but I never really left. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for their input and give a brief update: I haven't quite made the transition to real life play, yet, but that's largely because a couple of online relationships were unexpectedly revived, and at least one of these looks like it will lead to an in-person meeting. (I say "looks like" because I'm old enough to know that nothing happens until it happens, but our discussions have been quite serious.)

I assure you all that your advice to "be myself" is well taken: I learned long ago that pretense is not really among my talents. So, I don't approach girls with bravado, but the way one might approach a skittish cat; with a soft voice and an offered hand.

And sometimes - just sometimes - they nervously creep closer and closer, one tentative step at a time, until my fingertips feel the brush of a silken nose.

(in reply to Dnomyar)
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