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Need some advice - 4/26/2006 7:21:27 AM

Posts: 9
Joined: 10/27/2005
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Hi everyone,
I met someone off of here who I really like. We aren't all out Dominant/submissive. We initially met because we just wanted to see how things went, and we had such a connection that sexual things sort of took a backseat - they definitely happened and were amazing but it wasn't our primary focus.
So now we are sort of in a relationship (he's six hours away so that sucks) but I have one question. He is really pushing me hard to get on birth control, even though he knows I am uncomfortable with it. I told him I would consider it..but that doesn't seem to be the end, he just keeps pushing me and I am not sure what to do about it. Does this tell me he really only likes me for sex? We hardly talk as much now as we did before we met. Although we are both very busy now...its just confusing. What do you all think?

RE: Need some advice - 4/26/2006 7:27:18 AM

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: yessir07
Does this tell me he really only likes me for sex?

No it means he probably wants both of you to be more protected against getting pregnant so you can have more sex, without condoms, with less stress or worry. Of course, you shouldn't do no condoms until you've gone through the whole testing process.

quote:

We hardly talk as much now as we did before we met. Although we are both very busy now...its just confusing. What do you all think?

I think it's a key issue that you're both letting tear you asunder. Since you're both 6 hours away, it might be best for you both. After all, how much sex would you be having to make birth control worthwhile versus just condoms?

You have legitimate emotional and probably physical reasons for your choice. He has legitimate physical and emotional reasons for his choice as well. The thing to do is talk to doctors and talk about it together. Until you've agreed to his authority in what your medical choices will be, it's a matter of working it out as a team.

If you can work it through, that's good, Otherwise, it might be the right thing to just say it's not a compatible match and let it fade into a cyber friendship. You don't have that much invested yet.

Above all though- clarify things. Beyond "sort of" relationship. Beyond "what does he want" beyond "is it just about sex."

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to yessir07)

RE: Need some advice - 4/26/2006 7:34:21 AM

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Joined: 10/27/2005
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Well I just went and got tested - but he has been so...combative about getting tested. I think he was finally warming up to it because he had me look up clinics for him in his area. However, he's so bent on me putting chemicals in my body, but I want him to get tested before I even bother doing it! And what you said is what I am thinking as well, why get on birth control when I can only see him for a two week stretch. I want to know where this relationship is going, and I think I wish I hadn't jumped into the sack, so to speak, as quickly as I did.
I think i will try and talk to him next time I go down there, hopefully it will work out alright.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

RE: Need some advice - 4/26/2006 7:37:08 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yessir07
Well I just went and got tested - but he has been so...combative about getting tested. I think he was finally warming up to it because he had me look up clinics for him in his area. However, he's so bent on me putting chemicals in my body, but I want him to get tested before I even bother doing it! And what you said is what I am thinking as well, why get on birth control when I can only see him for a two week stretch. I want to know where this relationship is going, and I think I wish I hadn't jumped into the sack, so to speak, as quickly as I did.
I think i will try and talk to him next time I go down there, hopefully it will work out alright.

Why get on birth control if you're not going to get tested is the real question.

Don't worry so much about having had sex already, you enjoyed it and had fun at the time. Why wouldn't you talk to him like...now? Or in a few hours? If this is someone you're willing to consider making a serious physical medical choice that you have extremely strong feelings about- shouldn't it be someone you can have a conversation with any night of the week?

And if it isn't- then maybe you aren't at that stage in the relationship yet and need to tell him so.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to yessir07)

RE: Need some advice - 4/26/2006 7:52:54 AM

Posts: 39
Joined: 11/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: yessir07

Well I just went and got tested - but he has been so...combative about getting tested.

i'd be a little nervous about sleeping with anyone who was being difficult about getting tested. It's a request well within ANYONE'S rights for the a person they are sexually involved with to get tested, whether they are intending on ceasing using protection or continuing using it. Personally, i would consisder it a sign of a lack of respect for my peace of mind if someone wasnt willing to fufill that request, if not a sign of something more serious.

_________________________________
xxx
hidemyeyes

(in reply to yessir07)

RE: Need some advice - 4/26/2006 8:10:49 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
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Ok I see a red flag here, *winks at LA* my definition of a red flag is something to pay attention to, not that you are in immediate danger.

In your profile you say you are not a sub, you are more just about spanking, and this guy sounds very dominant. Dominants are very hard to deal with even when you are a submissive and have had experiance with them before.

I think you might be over your head because you were not expecting a Dominant and this one especially is not respecting your values.
Values are as important as hard limits if you ask me, values make a person who the person is, and trying to change that is very unsettling.

He sounds really pushy...are you ok with that?

If he is pushy on this he will continue to be pushy on everything. I have some advice, tell him straight out No you are not willing to do this, even if you are, and you can then see if he values you or is just in it for the sex right away. If he whines or cajoles or storms off or becomes demanding I think you have your answer.

And the fact he has not gotten tested yet tells me alot about his motivations as well. You use the word "combative" not hesitant, not sluggish, not resistant.

Combative to me means he at first was not even willing to get tested, you had to talk him into it, why would anyone that cares for you have to be talked/forced into protecting you?

Anyone in todays day and age who is "combative" around getting tested is telling you very clearly they dont value you, your values, or even themselves. He sounds like a dog to me.

< Message edited by crouchingtigress -- 4/26/2006 8:16:33 AM >

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RE: Need some advice - 4/26/2006 8:32:59 AM

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Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
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Crouchingtigress has said it far better than I could, test him and see how he reacts and then decide if you want to be with someone who reacts that way to such and important issue.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

RE: Need some advice - 4/26/2006 10:10:24 AM

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Joined: 10/27/2005
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What you are all saying is very interesting and helpful. I thought alot of the same about the testing...its just not that big a deal if it gives me piece of mind, right?
But about the dominant/sub thing - He isn't a "dom" perse - he is dominant and I am submissive in the bedroom. We toy with it a bit outside but he doesn't expect a 24/7 thing, so does that change anything?
It is confusing because we had such an amazing connection, and everything felt really good. Then suddenly we bicker a bit about the b.c. thing, and I'm paranoid in general so I don't know! We discovered something about ourselves when I was down there. We are both confident individuals outside the bedroom and are very dominant. we are soo stubborn! So that is one thing, but that can be worked through.
Or maybe I am making excuses, because I tend to do that too - sorry about this rambling!

(in reply to CrappyDom)

RE: Need some advice - 4/26/2006 10:16:08 AM

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Joined: 2/19/2005
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He's pressuring you to go on birth control, and he is refusing to get tested?

So he's not respecting you in two ways already. Not good.

(in reply to yessir07)

RE: Need some advice - 4/26/2006 10:22:19 AM

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Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
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I don't understand the push for chemical birth control. Does he not want to use a condom which protects against a lot more than unplanned pregnancies? You have non-chemical options. You don't have to take BCP's when IUDs and diaphragms are available, but how do you minimize the risk of STD's, HIV, HEP C and all the others if the condoms go into the trash? I don't have sex outside my relationship with Himself, but if I did, no condom would equal no sex, oral or otherwise.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to yessir07)

RE: Need some advice - 4/26/2006 11:15:52 AM

slaverosebeauty

Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
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Are you talking about the birthcontrol pill or patch or ring or something else?

Any couple should use birthcontrol, and since their are so many forms of it, its safer to use something not just for the prevention of pregnancy, but to keep yourself safe as well.

If he ONLY wants sex and nothing more, then you need to know, ask him. If sex is incorperated into a relationship thats one thing, but either way, you need to take some basic precautions, even if it is only condoms.

Go to Planned Parenthood and see someone there, they can answer your questions about what type is best for you and any other questions you may have on it.

You need to talk with your partner, sex is a big step, so is birthcontrol, be open and honest.

Good luck.

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(in reply to yessir07)

RE: Need some advice - 4/26/2006 11:21:59 AM

Posts: 391
Joined: 2/5/2005
From: Southeastern, MA
Status: offline

I would just flat out tell him that if he's not going to get tested, and give you documented proof that he has a clean bill of health, then you're not going on any form of birth control aside from condoms. You have your health to worry about.

(in reply to slaverosebeauty)

RE: Need some advice - 4/26/2006 12:30:01 PM

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Joined: 10/27/2005
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Yes I agree - I told him that no STD Test means no B.C. - He is partial to the ring, but I don't think I want to have to insert and take it out, so I would probably go on the pill. The thing is i have been seriously considering doing it, but he pushes it and it makes me not want to!

I think I need to know where we stand in the relationship before I go birth controlling it up. I'll see how it goes

(in reply to jezzabelle)

RE: Need some advice - 4/26/2006 12:51:01 PM

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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There are some non-chemical ways of preventing pregnancy.. I agree with you about that because I have had some bad experiences and they are not suitable methods are birth control for everyone. Email me if you see my post and I will tell you what I use... I do not feel comfortable posting it on this thread

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(in reply to yessir07)

RE: Need some advice - 4/26/2006 2:32:11 PM

Posts: 2918
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I dont think its that unusual he is pushing for you to get on birth control. Master made sure I was on the pill from a month before he arrived here. He was adamant he didnt want any children or unwanted pregnancy's. I'm the same as you, I dont like putting chemicals in my body but I saw my choices as birth control pill or condoms and I hate condom sex (might as well be fucking a dildo)..so I went to the dr and got birth control pills (something I had never taken in my life before). It worked out for us pretty well cause about 5 months after he arrived I had a hysterectomy, so all is well with the world in the birth control department for us.....

Oh just another thought, Master was contemplating being cut himself before I had the hysterectomy...if your Master doesnt want kids maybe he could think about doing that.

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RE: Need some advice - 4/26/2006 3:57:08 PM

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Joined: 2/1/2006
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as much as some consider this a rather extreme measure....I've had all the spawns I want...but I considered this carefully....I had myself snipped...with the knowledge it was a reversable process....my age and my thoughts tell me this won't be a need for me in the future....but that was a choice I made rather than allowing my slave to contaminate herself with who knows what...( don't exactly trust the pharm.companies).....oh well I guess my secret is out...no-one ever knew that until now...but then again this seemed important enough to share something that personal....

pulling my cape around me and fading into the shadows to once again lurk

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RE: Need some advice - 4/26/2006 4:22:45 PM

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I do also hope that one other consideration that you are factoring into your decision making process is the importance of being tested REGARDLESS of whether or not you decide to go sans condom. Condoms are not foolproof in preventing pregnancy or STD's and most people don't use them correctly. Pre-cum can still cause both a pregnancy or an STD so if he is the type to wait til the last moment to put them on, then you are still at risk. You also need to use them for ALL sex....including oral. Still...even when used exactly as instructed, for every single instance....there is still a percentage of failure. Also, given the distance between you....are you absolutely certain that the relationship will be entirely platonic during the long periods of time that the two of you can not see each other? Just some more stuff to consider.

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~erin~

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"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to yessir07)

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