ShadeDiva
Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Laura
You posted about this elsewhere. Why do you struggle and fight it? Is it about accepting this part of yourself or something else?
Yeah I think I post that all over the place LOL.
Why do I struggle with it? I know and I don't know. That's part of the battle right there. The knowing. Most switches at some point have a small war that wages inside them I think - where the duality - their two sides can be at war with the other, so to speak.
My personal background:
I'm primarily dominant. When I started REALLY seriously exploring BDSM on a conscious level - it was to learn how to be the best dominant I could be. My first mentors encouraged me to do some time training as a submissive - "The best dominants were the most exquiste slaves" - and it seemed to make some sort of sense to me, so I figured okay. Why not?
So I set about finding me a dominant to train me - seeking at first online. I tore thorugh those ranks of online dominants like a hot knife through butter - earning me for the first time, the nickname of Dom Buster. Puffs shirts and me just don't get along. People that expected me to call them by titles to show respect, follow online silly protocol I'd just chew up and spit out. Every dominant that took me on wound up kneeling to me within a month calling me mistress. It was frustrating LOL.
Then I met Ray. We had met as vanillas in a chat room, both of us having gotten our computers on the same day. We wound up having a four hour cyber food fight - our first experience with cyber space, happened to be with each other.
We didn't see each other for months and month until one day he happened to pop into a BDSM room I haunted and was all what the hell are you doing here and I replied well I like this. We became good friends over the years, goofing around doing cyber bs (not cyber sex stuff you dirty minded folks LOL!) as I think most all folks tend to play with when they first get online.
I was, well, obnoxious to say the least. I had a game I called first one through the door that I'd grab a cyber pie and the first person through the door would get a warning <hucks pie at so and so) and if they didn't duck in time, they got splattered. Considering there were a lot of puffed shirts kinds of dominants and very very very serious dominant types and I was hucking pies at them I was considered to be well sammie. He was one of the few with a real sense of humor that was fast enough to outthink me and turn my shit on me, and at some point, I realized he wasn't joking about being interested in me.
At some point in all this, I became consumed with my training to be submissive - and the people I was around weren't real switch friendly, and I lost myself in my quest to train as a submissive, so much so, that I forgot I was seeking to learn that to be a better dominant. I denied my dominance to even myself to the point that when someone would say you don;t have a submissive bone in your body I'd get upset and argue that I was fully slave. I became preoccupied and actually started aligning my self worth with being a good slave. The truth is, I'm SO not a slave LOL.
But along with my little self brainwashing, Ray and I started getting serious, and lo and behold he is one of the only dominants that has the ability to actually trigger actual submissiveness in me. He;s one of the few that can actually get past my dominant side and all its obstacles and actually bring me into a submissive mindset. He's one of the few dominants my dominant side will concede to and allow that to happen, though he can and has touched that submissive trigger in me when I've been in full dominant mode and that is indeed very very rare. He is the person that opened my eyes to the fact that I even HAD an actual submissive side to myself - I didn;t even really realize it even though I had convinced myself I was - I didn't really KNOW it existed until I FELT it, if that makes any sense. And once I felt it, I knew how right it was, and it IS undeniable on many levels that that side of me exists.
He lived in Ohio at the time - 3000 miles away, and it took us 8 months to get him out here. And he's been here ever since.
He knew all about me that I felt I had been dominant and that I was seeking to get training as a submissive, in fact it was he that guided me back to my realization of what I really was years later and made it okay for me - he had no judgements for me, he was okay with that and it was his strength and his guidance that led me to finally open my eyes.
The struggle part and why I do it - well the parts that I KNOW why I do it anyway, reside in my childhood largely. I came from a violent and abusive alcoholic family. Basically my step father is a doctor, a fighter pilot, and retired a full Colonel in the Air Force. So yanno a god complex right there on all counts LOL. I was beaten a lot as a kid, and well, sometimes pretty severely. I also was VERY stubborn and I refused to be broken and I refused to accept his authority over me and I absolutely rejected his asserted dominance over me, which of course meant more beatings. Basically we were in a dominance struggle for power since he came into my life, and that never ended until the day they kicked me out on the streets at 15. Probably expected me to come crawling back. *smile* I never came back.
But the day I left I swore to myself I would NEVER allow someone to hit me unless I allowed it (I find it interesting that even then I made that little exception lol), amd that no one would ever be in a position to control me or my destiny again. I had sworn that every day I lived with them that when I got out that I'd NEVER allow this to happen to me again.
So I think a large part of my struggle is right there. I have a REAL hard time giving up control. It doesn;t matter how right it feels when I allow myself to get to a submissive mindset my dominant side has REAL issues about conceding control of myself to ANYone.
I often joke that if my dominant side had its way it would hog tie and gag my submissive side, throw it into a box, wrap chains around it, and bury it under the floor in a closet somewhere and then nail the door shut. *chortle* And in a sense, that's sorta true.
I also am a severe control freak. I think my way is better. Im primarily dominant, so I want to have my way. So I butt heads with Ray for power and control all the time. It was he that urged me to remember my original path and to find "someone else besides ME to try to express your dominant self with and stop trying to order me aroun already" LOL.
But the fact is he awakened a part of myself that I suppose I am not fully able to embrace or am not fully comfy with 100% of the time and that my dominant side likes to try to derail.
I accept that I am of both sides, but that doesn't mean it's easy from there. Accepting who you are and then giving power to another are two very different things. Knowing the facts and then doing it in reality are two very different creatures.
So it's like an internal battle for me. It's not made easier by those that try to invalidate switches but it's at the same time not made harder by them either, if that makes sense.
I don't need nor require them to accept me to be who I am, but I *do* have baggage that makes it hard for me to go there. Luckily I have someone that not only will work with me on it, but understands and is secure in his dominance enough that he doesn't feel threatened by my dominance, and instead realizes I simply need an outlet for it (without wanting or intending to be involved in a dominant way in whatever relationship I start as a dominant - we sorta expect that when I find the right person, their and my relationship will be a separate thing from his and my relationship, BDSM poly, sexually monogamous, I suppose is the label that would be the most accurate), and not only supports that but encourages it while also teaching me a hell of a lot what being a good dominant IS.
Knowing yourself is only half the journey/battle. I've come a long way but I still have a long way to go.
*smile*
But I think I'll get there.
~ShadeDiva
_____________________________
~ShadeDiva
My projects of love:
theFetishForums
HumanFauna
Kinked
DommeWorld
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