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Adding a third... - 11/15/2010 7:13:04 PM   
yellowroses


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I have a question specific to those who have added a third(a second female sub) to an existing Male Dom/female sub relationship.

When there are existing children in the Male Dom/female sub relationship and a third female sub is added what role does the new sub have with the children? I suppose I am wondering how those that have joined an exisiting relationship feel about it. Do they expect to have any input? Do they want any input?

I know every situation is different. I was just hoping for some kind of consensus.

Thank you in advance!

yellowroses
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RE: Adding a third... - 11/15/2010 9:25:48 PM   
KnightofMists


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Kyra joined Alandra and I about six years ago. There is 4 children between Alandra and I. At the time that Kyra came a part of our life the children were between 12 to 6. It has always been Kyra's place to have a parental role. She is not their friend! I have rather clearly defined responsibilities for both her and Alandra with regards to the children. They together, ensure that those responsibilities are fulfilled.

This is not to say that Kyra jumped in and starting swimming at the deep end of the pool either. She slowly engaged with the children and developed her own relationship with the children. As she developed that relationship she learned what my expectations were of her responsibilites as a joint parent. I would also add that it was fundamental that her and Alandra had very strong relationship between them. Alandra's support in Kyra's parental responsbilities was critical. It was indeed a concern for Kyra not to feel liket she was stepping on Alandra's toes as she acted on these responsibilities. But, with time and Alandra's unwavering support, this fear became a non-issue.

We never pushed it. or forced it to happen..... we allowed it to happen and develop naturally. We nutured it constructively but... it was no mistaking that she had an important role in the raising of these children. They are not hers by blood... but they are hers by Love!!!

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Adding a third... - 11/16/2010 6:27:35 AM   
yellowroses


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Thank you for your response KoM.

Often I use the little knowledge that I have of the successful relationship you have managed to create as a guide in helping me in O/our search.

To be a little more specific on my question regarding children, I was thinking in my OP that the 3rd sub that joins is not bringing children into the relationship. She has never had children and never will at this point in her life. So she has no experience in raising or dealing with them. I suppose a bigger concern that would have to be addressed if the situation ever came up would be does she even have a desire to be a parent. I think it would just take a lot of adapting for everyone.

Again, thank you for your response!

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RE: Adding a third... - 11/16/2010 6:41:07 AM   
DesFIP


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I will say that blending a family successfully takes on the average of 7 years. Doesn't matter if you're an addition to a couple or replacing an absent parent, children will not trust that you will remain there until you've put in the time. You can't go in as a parent with the right to snap orders and give punishment. You must develop a friendship with them and earn their respect.

Whether or not your prospective third is a parent is not nearly as important as whether or not she wants that sort of role. Lots of people about who are parents and who can't wait for all the kids to fly the nest.


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RE: Adding a third... - 11/16/2010 7:28:44 AM   
yellowroses


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Thanks Des!

I think I need a poly therapist. Is there such a thing? LOL

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RE: Adding a third... - 11/16/2010 12:01:36 PM   
Zevar


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http://www.polychromatic.com/pfp/main.php

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RE: Adding a third... - 11/17/2010 4:12:38 PM   
KnightofMists


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quote:


To be a little more specific on my question regarding children, I was thinking in my OP that the 3rd sub that joins is not bringing children into the relationship. She has never had children and never will at this point in her life. So she has no experience in raising or dealing with them. I suppose a bigger concern that would have to be addressed if the situation ever came up would be does she even have a desire to be a parent. I think it would just take a lot of adapting for everyone.



Well... the person you describe as the 3rd would be Kyra. She has never had chilldren, no experience raising children or ever desired to be a mother. I would say the fact that we had children was a serious concern for her. Coming into a ready made family of kids was not something she exactly envisioned. However, she loves kids... there are more than a few much younger cousins that are special to her. But her affection for children never equated to wanting to be a mother. Even today, sometimes the role can be stressfull for her. However, she has our support and doesn't carry the load or the sole responsibility. I would also add.... she is an incredible mom in her own right.

You are right that it takes alot of adapting... but it also about understanding what each person's strengths and weaknesses are. We approach the responsibilities as a team. Certain problems and issues require certain strengths..... in those situations or issues the one with those strengths that are best suited will be the person that takes the lead.

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Adding a third... - 11/17/2010 5:45:31 PM   
yellowroses


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Thank you very much for your input KnightofMists and I apologize, I didn't realize that Kyra didn't bring children into the relationship. I said I knew little but I guess it was even less then I thought.

Thank you again for the input!

yellowroses

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RE: Adding a third... - 11/18/2010 12:44:39 PM   
KnightofMists


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your most welcome...

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to yellowroses)
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