A new sub with questions...

A new sub with questions... (Full Version)

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nikkino -> A new sub with questions... (11/21/2010 1:30:00 AM)
As I say, I'm fairly new to the lifestyle and haven't experienced any play in the real world. My on-line Master isn't able to take the relationship to the real world, and so I began to look around for a Master for an eventual 24/7 relationship. I have recently found someone with whom I think I'll be very compatible, however.... when he asked me what I'm into.... I don't have an answer. Since I've never experienced anything in real life... I have no idea what I like and don't like. I know what I'm curious about, but I can't say for sure that I'd like one thing or another in a lot of cases. My question is then....what should I tell him? There are very few things I won't try, and we've discussed this already, but BDSM is such a wide and varied collection of fetishes and interests.... and while I'm not a big painslut.... some of those things do hold a fascination for me on some level. Le sigh.... any thoughts?

WolfyMontgomery -> RE: A new sub with questions... (11/21/2010 2:10:30 AM)
Tell him the truth. That your likes and dislikes aren't set in stone yet, but these are things you're curious about, and these are things you're afraid of. Maybe make a list of your interests and things you have an aversion to at the thought of it. He should understand and be willing to work with you to discover the things that you like and enjoy and those things that you don't like. Checklists tend to be helpful with this sort of thing. Have fun learning! I hope you learn a great many things about yourself, and I'm sure you'll find the things that you truly love. =)

sunshinemiss -> RE: A new sub with questions... (11/21/2010 2:27:33 AM)
Hello Nikkino - If you know enough to knwo you are curious, you know enough! What is it that alerted you to this kind of thing? Were you watching The Godfather and saw Sonny throw his mistress against the door and you said, "Oh my." ? Or was it that you were reading Outlander and the scene where Jamie Fraser spanks his wife and then later admits to how much he enjoyed it and you said to yourself, "Why can't I find me a big ole red-headed Scotsman who will act thusly with me?" Or maybe you went to see the Rocky Horror Picture show with your friends, and that whole gender bending thing turned you into a puddle. Maybe you saw a couple doing the tango and the push / pull was magnetic for you... Did you watch Chocolate and wonder how to get Johnny Depp to come on over and get that squeak out your door? Maybe there was the scene in some vampire book where someone became helpless and was begging for just one little bite, just one ... please... tiny... ohhh yes... that's... You're so.. ohh the power of... blink Ummmm... yeah... Tell him what you're thinking. I have something I gotta do right now. nod nod nod best, sunshine

CaringandReal -> RE: A new sub with questions... (11/21/2010 6:47:51 AM)
My esteemed colleages above me have the right idea. :) Tell him about your fantasies, the things that make you hottest when you think about doing bdsm. If you trust his good sense, then trust that he'll know when a fantasy is too extreme to do in real life. It can be quite embarassing to relate such things, but you only have to do it once (probably) and the long-term effects will likely be quite good!

DarkSteven -> RE: A new sub with questions... (11/21/2010 6:48:00 AM)
nikkino, trust me, the answer, "I don't know yet. I'm new and I'd like to experience all kinds of things" will make any Dom or Master smile.

DesFIP -> RE: A new sub with questions... (11/21/2010 8:19:07 AM)
Give him the list of things you know you want to try. Start with things that attract you. That way you will probably enjoy them all in real life and want to come back for more. You don't want the first few experiences to be bad, you want them to be good. Just tell him that you have no experience but you want to try x, y and z.

leadership527 -> RE: A new sub with questions... (11/21/2010 11:30:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: nikkino My question is then....what should I tell him? Sure... you should obey and tell him what you are into. Sounds to me like right now what you're into is an exploration of kinky sex with no particular focus on that exploration... as is appropriate for someone exploring a new area. FWIW: Were I to ask Carol "what are you into", I'd hope the answer would be "You".

nikkino -> RE: A new sub with questions... (11/21/2010 2:19:54 PM)
Thank you to A/all who replied, I really appreciate the advice and kind words[:)] . I'd let myself get overwhelmed with options, and had ignored the obvious "I dunno" lol... He's got an extremely long email waiting for Him right now with all my thoughts and such, telling Him that I trust Him and want to explore my boundaries with Him. Thanks again A/all!!

angelikaJ -> RE: A new sub with questions... (11/21/2010 2:47:03 PM)
My question to you is have you met him yet? I am asking because I might not get into all the things I might be interested in with someone I don't know. Trust is something that takes time to build and if I were new and with someone who was new to me, I would want to know them well enough first to know they wouldn't want to begin by throwing me into the deep into the pool. To go from on-line only to 24/7 is a pretty big jump and there are a lot of people who regret jumping in too fast.

nikkino -> RE: A new sub with questions... (11/21/2010 3:08:03 PM)
@anjelika, no, we haven't met yet. I'm going down for a visit before I commit to moving 10 hours away from where I'm at now. I'm not planning on having 24/7 right off the bat, though that is the stated goal. We have been friends online for quite a while and talked about all kinds of things (we didn't meet on a fetish board so we talked about vanilla stuff even before we even realized this level of compatibility) We talk on the phone almost every day for an hour or more, and the reason I sent him a lengthy email instead of waiting for him to get off work was that I wanted to get everything down and out, and said before I lost my train of thought... and before I got too shy to say what I'm interested in.... it just seemed easier in text. and honestly, I don't mind moving semi blind, because I hate the city I'm in right now and have been wanting to move for a while, just needed a destination. [;)] it's scary. I'm not so ballsy as to be unafraid of losing my job after I get there and being stranded.... but I'd be stranded somewhere better than I am now, so I'm okay with it for now and I'm gonna trust that I have enough good karma built up to hold me over for a while. :P

subsfaith -> RE: A new sub with questions... (11/22/2010 12:06:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: nikkino Since I've never experienced anything in real life... I have no idea what I like and don't like. .... and while I'm not a big painslut.... How do you know you aren't a big painslut? I don't think anyone knows that coming into the lifestyle. Can I advise that you keep your mind open to experiences you have yet to have. How to answer when asked what you are into... honestly, you don't know. How could you... however, I presume you have some fantasies? This is a good place to start exploring. Although be aware, not all fantasies are supposed to be reality. Good luck on your journey!

January -> RE: A new sub with questions... (11/22/2010 1:06:37 PM)
quote: I'm gonna trust that I have enough good karma built up to hold me over for a while. nikkino, You have to have more than good karma! You say you're willing to move because you hate where you are living now. You don't have a job, but the universe will take care of you. You can't do online, but since this new guy is willing to Dom you in RL, it's time to figure out what your fetishes are. And since you know trust is important in M/s relationships, you tell your potential Dom--a complete stranger--you trust him. You want him to push your boundaries because it sounds cool. I think you are focusing on the wrong things. Think safety first. Not fantasy. I can't tell you how many folks come onto the boards having been burned. Slow down. Think. Investigate the city, the person, the job situation. January

kalikshama -> RE: A new sub with questions... (11/22/2010 1:37:39 PM)
quote: ****anjelika, no, we haven't met yet. I'm going down for a visit before I commit to moving 10 hours away from where I'm at now. Oh dear. Trust me, people can be one way on the phone and ENTIRELY different to live with. The fabulous long distance relationship I was in turned into a nightmare in real life, and I'd given up my job, my home, and my support system. I was caught up in the fantasy, didn't get to know him first and ignored the warning signs. Where are you staying when you visit him? Wanting to stay with him is natural, but not wise. Best, KK

anniezz338 -> RE: A new sub with questions... (11/22/2010 4:07:08 PM)
Please don't make any major decisions after one meeting. If it were me, the only major decision I would have made at this point is just to meet. What's the hurry? If it's meant to be, it will be. But that's about all the karma I would put into that.

nikkino -> RE: A new sub with questions... (11/22/2010 6:34:22 PM)
Thank you all for your kind advice, I'll take it all under advisement! To ease your minds, while I am considering the option if moving to this city with a view towards starting a relationship with this Man, it's not the only reason. At the moment, I am unemployed and live in an extremely depressed area with one of the highest unemployment rates in the tri-state area. The employment numbers are far more promising in the new city, cost of living is similar and I like the climate better. I will have my own place when/if I decide to move there, and I have several interviews lined up for the time frame of my planned visit. January and Kali: What you said struck home, I was probably rather naive to say those things... and people do change when confronted with a real person instead of a conceptual, on-line persona. I will do my best to be more realistic about the things I say in future. Unfortunately, I tend to be a "dive in head first" kinda girl and this requires more ..."toe-dipping" than I'm used to giving things. I do have other options in case this doesn't work out, which is always a possibility. Please keep the advice and reality checks coming! I really do appreciate the opportunity to learn from other's experiences.

January -> RE: A new sub with questions... (11/22/2010 7:24:08 PM)
quote: I will have my own place when/if I decide to move there, and I have several interviews lined up for the time frame of my planned visit. Great! I'm really glad to hear that!! January

leadership527 -> RE: A new sub with questions... (11/22/2010 9:04:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: nikkino Please keep the advice and reality checks coming! I really do appreciate the opportunity to learn from other's experiences. OK, here's another piece of advice. Much as I heartily agree with the statement that people are not the same in person as they are long distance (duh), another piece of "reality" to check is that with any luck, he'll be even better up close and personal. Caution is neat but optimism is required to get the big wins in life.

Wyndsong738 -> RE: A new sub with questions... (11/26/2010 3:11:46 PM)
I want to add another piece of advice not mentioned yet. When you meet him, like the first time you initially see him, make it in a public place. I met a Dom online, and the first time I met him in person, I found out he was a rapist. I am not trying to scare you, but it happens. Meet him in a coffee shop, an airport, a train station, somewhere where there are lots of other people around. Please be safe.

Hillwilliam -> RE: A new sub with questions... (11/26/2010 5:12:30 PM)
Added to the above. Have a 'safe call' arranged. That is a tusted friend who knows what is happening and where you are and you have arranged to call him or her at certain times. Let the prospctive Dom know about the safe call. Hell, I tell people I'm about to meet to do that and expect them to do so.

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