Mentor and Protector

Mentor and Protector (Full Version)

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cuddleheart50 -> Mentor and Protector (4/29/2006 10:42:08 AM)
How does one go about finding a Mentor and Protector?

Reasonable -> RE: Mentor and Protector (4/29/2006 10:43:12 AM)
First,examine your reasons for wanting one. Upon contacting somebody-do the reverse.

CERCKL -> RE: Mentor and Protector (4/29/2006 10:52:03 AM)
quote: How does one go about finding a Mentor and Protector? I agree with the first reply, examine yourself, why? Expectations? Also, prepare yourself...as I have been told, when the student is ready the guru will be provided... C

mistoferin -> RE: Mentor and Protector (4/29/2006 11:04:26 AM)
While I agree that having a mentor is a good idea, I don't believe in confining yourself to just one. It would be more to your benefit to view all you come in contact with as having something to offer in the mentoring/teaching arena. Sometimes what you will learn from them will be wisdom...sometimes all you will learn is that some people are stupid, clueless idiots...both are very valuable lessons. As for a protector I would ask what it is exactly that you feel you need protection from. There is no better protector, in my opinion, than that voice inside your head. If it doesn't feel right...don't. Use common sense and intuition and balance it with factual information and you should be able to come to sound conclusions.

cuddleheart50 -> RE: Mentor and Protector (4/29/2006 11:04:30 AM)
Thank you, both of you.

cuddleheart50 -> RE: Mentor and Protector (4/29/2006 11:05:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin While I agree that having a mentor is a good idea, I don't believe in confining yourself to just one. It would be more to your benefit to view all you come in contact with as having something to offer in the mentoring/teaching arena. Sometimes what you will learn from them will be wisdom...sometimes all you will learn is that some people are stupid, clueless idiots...both are very valuable lessons. As for a protector I would ask what it is exactly that you feel you need protection from. There is no better protector, in my opinion, than that voice inside your head. If it doesn't feel right...don't. Use common sense and intuition and balance it with factual information and you should be able to come to sound conclusions. Thank you!

vield -> RE: Mentor and Protector (4/29/2006 11:28:16 AM)
Before one agrees to begin any sort of relationship, it is advantageous to all involved to be sure that everyone understands what everyone means when discussing these terms. I have found that even with honest people attempting to be forthright with each other, misunderstandings about the meanings of terms, ideas, and actions are very common. "Protector" can mean anything from a friend you check with about things to a person one gives a degree of control of their life to. "Mentor" also can have many meanings from friend to teacher to trainer to dominant. My definition of "Mentoring" is guiding and teaching someone who is NOT in a serious relationship with me and who will not be allowed to grow into a serious relationship with me. I feel that a mentor has a degree of power over those they guide, much as an adult teacher has power over child students. Thus I bar myself from pursuing options such as sexuality and long term relationships with persons I agree to mentor. I feel this is true whether I am mentoring a submissive person from the dom side, or mentoring a dominant person from the submissive side. If I have feelings about a person being a potential partner I will NOT agree to mentor them, and will explain why. Giving demos, teaching skills etc. can be done from many perspectives. As ALWAYS, your mileage may vary! my rules apply only to my life. vield

JohnWarren -> RE: Mentor and Protector (4/29/2006 11:46:50 AM)
Mentors are a lot like censors. The only ones you'd really want to have the job need to be dragged, kicking and screaming, into it. Those who scramble for the position are usually the last people in the world you'd want. Back when I entered the scene, there was a great need for mentors because of the lack of readly available information. Now, I'd recommend you find a number of people you can respect regardless of orientation and use them as sounding board as you gather information from the multitude of sources that are now available. There are books, classes, websites and even movies. Use as many of them as you need. As for a "protector," why in the world do you want one. Are you so basically unskilled at human interaction you need someone standing between you and the world? Frankly, I doubt that. It's become stylish for people to claim both these titles. You don't need to go with the styles.

Reasonable -> RE: Mentor and Protector (4/29/2006 11:54:39 AM)
I very much agree with this John. I had one sub in the past who had an infatuation with me, ask me to mentor her-I should have known better. Even after setting clear rules on the interaction, that I did NOT want any peronal attachments-she became ever needier-and actually had the nerve to beg my collar. At this point I decided that enough was enough-and told her we were severing contact. After which, she undertook a very spiteful public vendetta against me. All very disturbing........I'll never get involved with doing something like this again-after that. It's become a trust issue I simply cannot shake.

cuddleheart50 -> RE: Mentor and Protector (4/29/2006 11:58:04 AM)
Thank you all for the information....maybe I don't need either.

Sabot762 -> RE: Mentor and Protector (4/29/2006 12:01:53 PM)
A protector is a good idea if you want/need an escort to attend a club or party.

LadiesBladewing -> RE: Mentor and Protector (4/29/2006 12:03:21 PM)
-Find someone you admire, preferably someone whom you would trust to be honest and forthright with you, and someone whom you determined that you could trust to be working on -your- agenda (since mentorship is about helping the mentee reach his or her goals), rather than on the mentor's agenda. -Ask lots of questions about the person and his or her leadership and teaching abilities from individuals who have seen him or her in action for a while. -Once your questions have been suitably answered, approach the individual in question to request a meeting to discuss your desire for mentorship. Listen carefully, to make sure that you are hearing what he or she is saying, and to be sure that this is where you want to go for direction and protection. If you have any doubts, say thank you and walk away. -If you agree to a mentoring relationship, spell out in writing what your expectations are, and what your mentor's expectations are, and how long the relationship will last, and what timeframes you will assess progress in, and what constitutes successful progress as well as what constitutes successful completion of your mentoring program. If you're going to go to the trouble to find and develop a mentoring relationship, you'll want to make sure that the time is used resourcefully. Lady Zephyr quote: ORIGINAL: cuddleheart50 How does one go about finding a Mentor and Protector?

LadiesBladewing -> RE: Mentor and Protector (4/29/2006 12:10:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JohnWarren Mentors are a lot like censors. The only ones you'd really want to have the job need to be dragged, kicking and screaming, into it. Those who scramble for the position are usually the last people in the world you'd want. I would have to disagree with you here, John. There are still some people in the community who mentor because they believe in the process of helping, guiding and teaching. Few of these individuals have to be dragged, kicking and screaming, into the process (and if they have to be dragged in, I doubt I'd be interested in them as a mentor, since they clearly don't appreciate the position). Admittedly, there are a lot of people out there who claim the desire to mentor, but are using mentorship as a way to further their own agenda, but if someone can find a mentor who understands the concept of mentorship and who is in it for the joy of mentoring and the pleasure of watching the mentee develop, that person is a great find, and shouldn't be tossed out like the baby with the bathwater. Mentorship still plays a valuable role, but the value is being diminished not -only- by the individuals who take advantage of the relationship, but by individuals who disparage it as "unnecessary" and "a waste of time". No educational experience undertaken with a willing and eager teacher and a willing and eager pupil is -ever- a "waste of time". Lady Zephyr

BitaTruble -> RE: Mentor and Protector (4/29/2006 12:10:21 PM)
You've already had some excellent advice. I'd further suggest joining a group of those who share your particular orientation. They don't have anything to gain and can offer insight and share their experiences with you without an ulterior motive. Celeste

mistoferin -> RE: Mentor and Protector (4/29/2006 12:17:31 PM)
Gosh, I hate to disagree with your very first post because I really do welcome you to the boards and encourage you to stick around and feel free to jump in anytime but...... I do have to disagree. As a single submissive, I don't always like to attend events or parties alone...so often times I ask a friend to go along with me. I don't view them as my protector though because I believe that each of us has a responsibility to keep ourselves "protected". Also, most events or munches have a policy where uncollared submissives fall under the "Protection" of the House. It only takes one to seek out the organizers upon arrival and explain to them that you are there alone and they will generally tell you who you should seek out if you are having any difficulty. It has been in my personal experience however, that whenever I have had someone who does not appear to be "getting the message" it usually takes little more than explaining it to them again politely, albeit a little more loudy, within earshot of other attending Dominants. If that fails they should not hesitate to seek out someone with more authority over the group. I would also recommend that submissives who attend an event alone ask to be escorted to their vehicle at the end of the evening by someone who is affiliated with the event.

mistoferin -> RE: Mentor and Protector (4/29/2006 12:22:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadiesBladewing Mentorship still plays a valuable role, but the value is being diminished not -only- by the individuals who take advantage of the relationship, but by individuals who disparage it as "unnecessary" and "a waste of time". No educational experience undertaken with a willing and eager teacher and a willing and eager pupil is -ever- a "waste of time". Lady Zephyr I agree that mentoring does have value, it's place and purpose. I don't however, believe that anyone should limit themselves to having just "one". If there is only one mentor the person being mentored is learning only "one way" instead of being able to make a decision as to what way feels right for them.

LadyHugs -> RE: Mentor and Protector (4/29/2006 12:28:43 PM)
Dear cuddle heart 50, Ladies and Gentlemen; My response would be with several questions as to think upon. 1. What area do you wish to be mentored? Dominant or submissive skills, etc. 2. Why do you need protection? Has someone threatened you? Has someone been unkind to you? You don’t want to go alone? Or, just want someone to protect you through their knowledge/skills from dominants/submissive types that may put you at risk? To know your short term goals and the long term goals is important. To explore with kind and or compassionate individuals to support your efforts is wonderful and needed. However mentoring and protection is similar but not the same as support. So instead of finding a single mentor and or protector, my question would be; how may “we” as a community support you? If such support is not present to the particular circumstances/situations; then perhaps a protector and or mentor might be considered but, I would hope you exhaust the "community" et. al. resources first. Taking many versions of views/advice, creates your recipe for your success. Respectfully submitted, Lady Hugs

cuddleheart50 -> RE: Mentor and Protector (4/29/2006 12:33:36 PM)
I am taking All of these suggestions into consideration....wow, what a wide range of views on this!

LadyHugs -> RE: Mentor and Protector (4/29/2006 12:48:55 PM)
Dear cuddleheart50, It can be a blend of many things, as to be 'supported' and or mentored and or protected. For example, you want support and or protection on your first experience with needle scenes. Your protector may be a nurse, to make sure it is sanitary, a buddy to hold your hand as a support. Yet, you're fine with being flogged and then you want to be mentored on how to serve a "tea" or how to fix tea sandwiches and decorating. So the mentor will be beside you as to show you the tricks of the trade, short cuts, serving sequences, and perhaps stand with you as to watch you try it yourself. Then you can find yourself in need of protection when you try caning, as to make sure you don't over do it. Support and education on how to take a position to handle the discomfort or manage pain and, you may wish to learn how to cane, so seeing the hand technique (to which mine is much different than most) is in the realm of mentoring/teaching. So, as you can see --it is a variety of needs/wants that creates the recipe to your success. Respectfully submitted, Lady Hugs

LadiesBladewing -> RE: Mentor and Protector (4/29/2006 12:51:13 PM)
I agree. People should have the opportunity to explore multiple roads to their goals. I would suggest, though, that it is better to work with one mentor -at a time-... to minimize confusion. I'd also suggest that any mentorship agreement come with both a set period of mentorship, and the ability to end the relationship at any of the evaluation periods if it turns out that the direction the mentoring is taking isn't going in the direction that the mentee is working towards and no resolution to a more suitable track can be found. HOWEVER, I am not big on "just let me try this out and see if it works for me, then I'll decide if I want to commit to the mentorship." To me, that speaks of an individual who isn't truly looking for mentorship, and may not be ready to do the hard work that comes with being guided in the direction you have chosen. Most people choose a mentor for all of the wrong reasons. A mentor isn't a substitute for a romantic or owner/servant relationship, it is -strictly- a learning opportunity... a chance to further develop yourself or some particular skill-set. A mentor also won't suddenly become your "perfect owner" if you're good enough and work hard enough. In the first place, the foundation of the relationship isn't based on this, and in the second place, it would be unethical for a mentor to consider taking a mentee on in a personal relationship for at least a -year- after the mentorship relationship had ended... to give everyone time to evaluate the relationship and make sure that it isn't just star-eyed optimism, hope, and the intensity of the mentorship relationship that is providing the impetus to go for something "more personal". Many mentors will not consider a long-term, personal relationship with their former mentees under any circumstances, in order to move beyond any possible ethical dilemma that might impact their ability to provide good mentorship in the future. Lady Zephyr quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin I agree that mentoring does have value, it's place and purpose. I don't however, believe that anyone should limit themselves to having just "one". If there is only one mentor the person being mentored is learning only "one way" instead of being able to make a decision as to what way feels right for them.

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