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trust factors - 10/1/2004 5:19:34 AM

bittersweetsub

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Joined: 7/22/2004
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Why is it the one I'm suppost to trust the most is the one I feel I can trust the least? I have been with my Dom for over 4 years and have endured many things, some good and some not so good. He has gone from being a extremely strong Dom to wanting to be the bottom/victim. I have supported this and tried to understand his desires. We have not played/scened for a very long time due to various uncontrolable things. But now I find out he is looking for new subs to teach, mentor and so forth. I feel betrayed and don't know what to do. Help?

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RE: trust factors - 10/1/2004 5:47:50 AM

cynnacent1

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From: Massachusetts
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Trust evolves from, and continues to grow strongest, when it involves HIGH levels of constant communication.

Have you discussed any of your concerns with him?
Is the trust of the relationship centered around an agreement of remaining monagomous?

If the relationship is understood to be nonmonagamous, then i suppose the questioning of him in regard to your concern of his seeking new subs for any reason MAY be out of line and STILL should be discussed. If the agreement has been that the relationship is monagamous, of course it should be discussed. Based on the information given it might seem that trust is not the only issue here, communication issues may be evident.

< Message edited by cynnacent1 -- 10/1/2004 5:48:39 AM >

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RE: trust factors - 10/1/2004 8:20:51 AM

sub4hire

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You never truly know when you're only hearing a one sided conversation.

The single thing that comes to my mind is perhaps he feels you are uncontrollable. So, he has given up on you and seeking someone who is.
Then at the same time we are all on different emotional and maturity levels. Some who say they are dominant to me, clearly are dominant to their submissives. However if on a scale...they would be submissive to me. Perhaps you are Dominant to him. However he likes the kinky sex and stuff. Now he wants to take it to another level. He can't if you're Dominant he would be too insecure to try.

Of course though as I've already stated. There is not enough input to go on. The person who needs to be answering your questions is your Dom. You need to sit down, talk and perhaps do some soul searching together. If you had done that you would'nt be here confused asking us.
We cannot stress how important communication is. I know its hard to do, it is hard for all of us. Isn't it worth it for those we love to at least try?

(in reply to bittersweetsub)

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RE: trust factors - 10/1/2004 8:42:44 AM

magiqual

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Joined: 9/19/2004
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People in the scene often move from one role to the opposite (and back again.) It can be rough to discover the person you've been submitting to has decided to reliquinish their "dominant" identity, and rough to learn that a Dom partner is looking for additional submissives to train. (I've been in both of those, and they were both learning experiences.) And yeah, it can feel like a hell of a betrayal.

This is one of those times when it's important to back up, look at where you are, and assess whether trying to stay with the known (him) is meeting your needs or whether it would be better to strike out into the unknown, as scary as that can feel. It's also time to look at whether you need to set some boundaries and expectations with him and see whether you both share the same expectations for your relationship. (Other people have said "you need to communicate" and I surely echo that!)

Sometimes the universe gives us someone to teach us and the relationship shifts (or ends) when the teaching is done. If that's happened to you, take some time to grieve before you open the door to someone else. If you two talk and discover that the relationship isn't ending but is actually shiffting, then think of all the lovely new things you get to discover.

< Message edited by magiqual -- 10/1/2004 11:13:15 AM >

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RE: trust factors - 10/1/2004 1:38:07 PM

proudsub

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Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
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quote:

But now I find out he is looking for new subs to teach, mentor and so forth. I feel betrayed and don't know what to do. Help?

I am curious why your profile indicates you are also looking? Is that new since he started looking? Is your 4 yr relationship in real life or online? I knew an online dom once that loved the training aspect of it. He would continually find new subs to train.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

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RE: trust factors - 10/2/2004 7:48:52 AM

subbiejenn

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i have to say i am a bit confused also when reading your profile. Seems like you are looking also so maybe He thinks He can also? You say you have supported Him wanted to be bottom/victim, how so? Do You Top Him?

i think i would need more information here but from what i see is maybe He either feels you both can still be looking...

Maybe with His changing desires has your relationship is growing apart....

My suggestion is if you have known this Dom for 4 years you should talk to Him and ask. Tell Him of your fears, explain why you are worried. See what He is thinking now...

it maybe that you can really trust Him but He sees He is doing nothing wrong since He has expressed His desires of changing. Maybe He feels Him finding a sub to Mentor OK and no big deal... How did you find out He was looking for new subs to Mentor? Was He actually hiding it? If you ask and He lies well that is a whole other story *grins* Don’t distrust Him until He gives you reason too.

“Communication is the key to all trust”

(Sure is easier to give advice then take it *smiles*)

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(in reply to bittersweetsub)

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RE: trust factors - 10/2/2004 6:24:27 PM

bittersweetsub

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Joined: 7/22/2004
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Thank you every one for your words of wisdom. To answer a few questions. We have been together for over 4 years R/L R/T. Yes my profile indicates I am looking. I did that at my Dom's encouragement while he pursued his bottom/victim desires, since he didn't feel he could be Dom during this pursuit. As for me Topping him? I have tried to do that for him and he found it laughable, therefore all I can do at this time is encourage him to pursue it outside our relationship. We have talked in depth our relationship and both have found we need to straight or re-establish our boundaries. I think needed an outside opinion and I defently got that. And yes, I was just whining

for that I apologize, but thank you all for your input and for giving me MUCH, MUCH more to think about.

And yes I AGREE with "subbiejenn" it much easier to give advice than to take it. Thank you ALL!!