How Do You wish a Relationship to Begin?

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How Do You wish a Relationship to Begin? - 10/2/2004 9:21:01 AM

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Greetings to the board! i've been not so active lately but still check here everyday so a special hello to those who've written to me in the past or chatted online.

i recently sent a message to a Domme on this site and her reply was a big surprise. She said she didn't think i knew what the lifestyle's all about. The issue was (apparently) how the relationship is expected to begin.

(Editted following line to eliminate confusion...my apologies)
Her profile states she's looking for a submissive male who wants her to move in and take over right away.

This is not the first thing one reads but is sort of mixed in with the rest of her description. She also describes herself as loving, caring, and interested in having someone who can function on the vanilla side of life. She wants to love him and spend the rest of her life with him. In my message i had put emphasis on getting to know each other.

Anyway, my questions are...do others agree this sort of "Instant Relationship" approach is a valid way to begin and how would they envision a relationship unfolding in general. i will say right from the start i was a bit stunned at her response but a Domme friend of mine told me there are people out there (subs) that are looking for just this sort of thing! i find that amazing and a bit frightening. What happens if it doesn't work?

Hope everyone is having a nice fall!

anthrosub

< Message edited by anthrosub -- 10/2/2004 1:01:10 PM >

_____________________________

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RE: How Do You wish a Relationship to Begin? - 10/2/2004 9:29:11 AM

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quote:

Her profile states she's looking for a sub who wants someone to move in and take over right away.

Anyway, my questions are...do others agree this sort of "Instant Relationship" approach is a valid way to begin and how would they envision a relationship unfolding in general. i will say right from the start i was a bit stunned at her response but my Domme friend told me there are people out there (subs) that are looking for just this sort of thing! i find that amazing and a bit frightening. What happens if it doesn't work?

Why does she want the sub to move in and take control? Does she appear to be one of the typical money fem doms?

It more than likely won't work. Of course, it doesn't really look like she has it all thought out. Most people who have been living know it takes a bit of time to meet the right person to spend the rest of their lives with. It isn't whoever answers the ad with the most money or the cutest smile.

Then again, I have known couples who have known each other for a week then married. Of course now looking back, none really lasted more than a few years. Depends on what marriage is to you as well. Perhaps marriage last 6 months you fail then you're off to another. If you have no moral background about marriage then that is perfectly fine. Obviously to truly know you would have to talk with this woman extensively. Apparently she does think it will work for her.

(in reply to anthrosub)

RE: How Do You wish a Relationship to Begin? - 10/2/2004 9:29:30 AM

Posts: 477
Joined: 8/8/2004
From: Houston, Texas
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I don't think "instant relationships" are possible. However, they should always be moving forward. So many times people become intoxicated with the NRE (New Relationship Energy) and fail to see the reality of the construct. It takes time for NRE to wear off and to truly determine if a person is right for you. So people are better gifted at being well grounded in reality than others. However, it is up to BOTH the Domme and the Sub to communicate and give feedback to each other and maintain one foot each firmly planted in their respective realitys.

I question why a Domme would want a Sub to take over? This doesn't make sense unless you were referring to a specific duties. My first impression is that she is not dominant just merely wanting someone to take care of her, and she uses the guise of domaniance with the hopes of attaining it?

Ms. Eden

_____________________________

"If I didnt define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other peoples fantasies for me and eaten alive. - Audre Lorde"

(in reply to anthrosub)

RE: How Do You wish a Relationship to Begin? - 10/2/2004 10:59:32 AM

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From: long island, ny
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Ms. Eden,

i believe what's being said is that the Domme wants a sub who will have Her move in and take over all aspects of his life...otherwise, that's one confuzzled Domme!

sting

(in reply to MaitresseEden)

RE: How Do You wish a Relationship to Begin? - 10/2/2004 11:17:15 AM

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From: Houston, Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sting516

Ms. Eden,

i believe what's being said is that the Domme wants a sub who will have Her move in and take over all aspects of his life...otherwise, that's one confuzzled Domme!

sting

Sounds More like a full time JOB to me.. Micromanagement is not my thing. I already have a child, and fail to see why anyone would want to take on all the extra work.

Peace,

Ms. Eden

_____________________________

"If I didnt define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other peoples fantasies for me and eaten alive. - Audre Lorde"

(in reply to sting516)

RE: How Do You wish a Relationship to Begin? - 10/2/2004 12:40:10 PM

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From: Scotland/Tennessee
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Eden is right, while there may be chemistry right off the bat, relationships take time. The more time, the better.

_____________________________

Lady Beckett

_______________________________________________

"Submissive boys yearn to fall into their proper place, so the rest of their life will." ~ Lady Beckett

(in reply to anthrosub)

RE: How Do You wish a Relationship to Begin? - 10/2/2004 1:12:41 PM

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From: Houston, Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyBeckett

Eden is right, while there may be chemistry right off the bat, relationships take time. The more time, the better.

Why is it I love hearing/reading those words.. "Eden is right"? Hey.. I got my handcuffs.. Finally!

Eden

_____________________________

"If I didnt define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other peoples fantasies for me and eaten alive. - Audre Lorde"

(in reply to LadyBeckett)

RE: How Do You wish a Relationship to Begin? - 10/2/2004 3:59:53 PM

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From: long island, ny
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyBeckett

Eden is right, while there may be chemistry right off the bat, relationships take time. The more time, the better.

i absolutely agree...i was just giving my take on what was said earlier.

sting

(in reply to LadyBeckett)

RE: How Do You wish a Relationship to Begin? - 10/2/2004 4:24:50 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
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Okay, I am going to throw My self in here, and I will probably regret it! LOL
For Me there are different levels of relationships. But then I am a Pro Domme. Yes, I seek 24/7 TPE live-ins. How do I determine, search, interview? My identity is as a 'Goddess" for I do fall in between two of the five typical Dominant cateogires, and that is "Queen" and "Goddess". I enjoy being pampered and spoiled. I also have My outside interests, and these must be suffered by any slave I own. I make quite clear My expectations, both in My profiles (to begin) and then in follow up email and online chat. If this is what the male wants, and W/we come to agreement for contract, that is fine. Will it be LTR? Most likely not. Could it be LTR? Possibly! As a Pro Domina, I can tie anyone up, redden their bottom, do a little CBT, finish up with a g/s...I am fulfilling someone's fantasy and need. Is that wrong? I have "wannabe" slaves who want to jump in their cars and come to Me right now to live-in. Do I want this? No! I begin with careful questioning in conversation via email and chat . I have psychological testing I can do. (sneaky!) I give contracts that are quite detailed. The slave may assist in the formulation of a contract (if W/we get that far). Initial contracts are only for 1 year (most of the time). So, for Me, deciding to take a slave into My household is a matter of the slave's heart and their beliefs and their wants and their needs. If W/we don't match, so be it. Mistakes are made. Many do not understand living it, and think it is all one big scene. TPE = Total Power Exchange. And that is really much less acceptable by more males than realize it. Does that include Financial? you bet! Does that mean I cannot or do not support Myself? No! Does it mean I can live a more stress free and luxurious lifestyle? Yes! I once had a slave who wrote to Me from another country and said he had no rights to choose and had picked Me to be his Mistress! (he couldn't choose but he picked Me?) He wanted to know what airport I could pick him up from? Now what are the Dominants supposed to do with these males? (And he wasn't the only one!) Of course I said no...and he was offering big bucks. Yes, I take some time to try to know a slave applicant, but I can determine pretty quickly if this could work or not. It is the subs or wannabe slaves who can't seem to make up their minds at times, or really just want to play games online or on the phone. I am not saying that is you, or anyone else here who might be answering. I am saying that I always meet face to face, and previous live-in experience is a plus. Female Dominants must be more careful than male dominants. That is a fact in this day and age. So when you are questioned in certain areas, please be open and honest and answer. I do not consider this to be a dating site. Yes, I seek LTR, but you can't know until you try. I will say that I have felt a lot of pressure from slave applicants to "accept" them, and I am not in that much of a rush. On the other hand, I have some who have met Me, dilly dally for months, and suck up My valuable time while never making a committment. To start: communication, communication and more honest communication. I have lots of friends who began as applicants. Didn't end up living with Me, but W/we have wonderful chats when I have time! Sorry, I have a tendency to run on!

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to MaitresseEden)

RE: How Do You wish a Relationship to Begin? - 10/2/2004 4:30:13 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
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And sorry, the above was not meant to be "in reply to Mistress Eden"...it was meant in answer to anthrosub and all interested in this topic. I guess I hit the wrong reply button!

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom

(in reply to anthrosub)

RE: How Do You wish a Relationship to Begin? - 10/9/2004 12:29:33 PM

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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IMHO I feel both involved need time to get to know each other before moving in with each other. I personally like to really get to know someone before I even play with them. Perhaps I am a bit cautious but there are those out there who aren't as they portray online, gee who would have thunked it. My collared submissive lives with Me and I even met his mom before we moved in together. ( no she has no idea of our lifestyle).
Something to ponder, before we make a large purchase ie car, we research it's safety, reliability etc. why wouldn't we get to know someone before moving in with them as much as, or more!!!, then the item we want to purchase.
Mistress Terri

(in reply to anthrosub)

RE: How Do You wish a Relationship to Begin? - 10/9/2004 1:14:06 PM

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Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
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Trust me. the meet & move in thing doesn't work. I can say that with certainty because that was how I started my first 24 yr marriage, my common law relationship & my last 24/7 D/s relationship. My fault completely, I was the one who wanted to go from 0 to 60 in nothing flat. No more! You need to get to know the person first, in that beginning bedazzling wow part of the relationship, the important things like is he an abuser, does he have unresolved issues he refuses to deal with or is he mature enough for a true partnership don't get noticed. It is only later after the razzle dazzle has died down that you begin to see the real person, and by that time his stuff is all over your place, he has nowhere else to go or you are hoping that your influence can change him. (I am using him, but it could just as well be her). You need to take the time for the glitter to wear off & the little things that might irritate you come to the surface. You need time to get to know the real him with all his strengths and frailties before making the decision, is this really the one you want to wake up to every morning.

That is why I am only looking for part time subs, they come, we have a nice time, they go home and I have my peaceful apartment to myself again. That is why when subs email me from other continents or other parts of North America and immediately tell me they are willing to relocate to be with me, I tell them, once they have relocated to my area, have a place to live and a job, they are welcome to contact me again. Funny, haven't heard back from any of them so far.

_____________________________

PHLOX: “It’s unethical for a doctor to cause harm...I can inflict as much pain as I like.”

(in reply to anthrosub)

RE: How Do You wish a Relationship to Begin? - 10/11/2004 8:45:58 AM

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There is an excellent article at Castlerealm that describes the seven (7) essential characteristics of a good submissive. In response to your post, i would just like to mention a couple. First, although you and i are submissive, that does not relieve us of the responsibility to exercise our intelligence. There are choices to be made, and they should be made intelligently -- which includes who we decide to enter into relationship with and how the relationship is going to develope. The exercise of our intelligence is vital to the development of relationship skills.

The exercise of intelligence should cause us to communicate our thoughts. Dommes are not pyschics, and therefore we need to address our concerns but in a respectful manner. If we have some doubts about what has been said or is being done, we should voice them to our respective Dommes. Communication is vital because of the safety factor. we should not put ourselves in harms way, or our respective Dommes in a position that They harm us. This is not just about the physical aspects of relationship, but the emotional as well.

Finally, patience, patience, patience! The race is no given to the swift, but to him who endures. Relationships don't happen over-night, and don't come out of a micro-wave oven. Take your time to exercise your intelligence and communicate your thoughts. Don't let the long journey to find a Domme cause you to rush at the first opportunity to serve. It could be a mirage or a dry water well.

(in reply to anthrosub)

RE: How Do You wish a Relationship to Begin? - 10/11/2004 11:44:09 AM

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quote:

the seven (7) essential characteristics of a good submissive

This kind of stuff just kills me. Who can claim to be the authority on the seven essential characteristics? Perhaps they are not what I find essential. Perhaps it is not what a submissive wants to portray. Have we all of a sudden become a cult? No one told me…

And by the two examples you gave us, communication and intelligence, well I think that is good advice for any human, not just submissives.

Submissives and Dominants have more things in common then they have things different. They are 2 sides of the same coin. I think people just need to be respectful of one another and state their limits and needs. Then, you need to add genuine attraction and good intentions to it all.

Your response to anthro makes me snicker compliantboy... He was polling us to find out what we thought of instant relationships, not how to be a better sub. I understand you were just trying to reach out to him with your advice but don’t assume he needs it. For those of us who have gotten to know anthro through his posts on the boards and through chatting with him know that he is intelligent, communicative and oh so very patient.

You might want to read one of the best male sub perspectives posted in these forums: The Challenge of Being a Submissive Male .

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to compliantboy4u)

RE: How Do You wish a Relationship to Begin? - 10/11/2004 8:04:23 PM

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From: Sacramento, California
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I wanna talk about everything under the sun (seems like LOL) and would prefer to be friends first.

Amazing how very very few submissives are remotely interested in that.

~ShadeDiva

< Message edited by ShadeDiva -- 10/11/2004 8:05:01 PM >

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~ShadeDiva
My projects of love:
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(in reply to LadyAngelika)

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