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Insecure Sub - 10/2/2004 4:26:33 PM   
midnightprince


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I posted this in two places becasue I was not sure where it would get the most exposure really would like to here both doms and subs point of view on this issue.
Hello,


I would like to get some thougts, on dealing with a sub that is very insecure of other subs and slaves when I have not given her a reason. In fact I allowed her to play with another male and myself and she really injoyed it. However the idea of another sub or slave joining in bothers her. We even talked about a possible poly ralationship and she has expressed that she may want to try it but may have some problems with jelousy.

Would like to know your thoughts.

M
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Insecure Sub - 10/2/2004 4:27:43 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: midnightprince
Would like to know your thoughts.


Have you asked her? I mean truly asked her. She is the only one who knows what is at the root of her jealousy.

All the answers that you seek are within her.

- LA

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 10/2/2004 4:30:19 PM >

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to midnightprince)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Insecure Sub - 10/2/2004 4:37:59 PM   
midnightprince


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Yes, I have and the answer that I was given is that she was scared that someone would perhaps take her place. My response to that was no one can take your place in my heart. I totally believe that. I was married to a woman for 15 yrs. and no matter were I go or what I do, no one can take her place although we are not together anymore. I also believe that poeple come into your life for a reason and as long as you are honest with them you will never loss them. trying to get her to see that concept.

M

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Insecure Sub - 10/2/2004 6:04:08 PM   
Torque


Posts: 5
Joined: 9/29/2004
Status: offline 		At the end of the day it's her feelings and you have to decide if you're going to take them into consideration or not. Likewise, she has to decide to take yours into consideration.

If she's feeling jealous, then perhaps either due to your behavior, or her history, or stuff she's obvserved, or who knows what reason, she's got that feeling and she's entitled to it.

It would seem to me that if you are prioritizing your relationship with her, you need to show her that there is nothing to be jealous about. *Show*, not tell. So, perhaps for the next year you only play with her. Or, you leave it in her control to decide if someone is ok to play with and how.

Make sure that both of you understand that this arrangement might not work for the long term, but that it's an experiment for now in order to allay her concerns. If she thinks she'll never get over jealous feelings, then she has to communicate that to you and you have to decide if you want to be in that relationship.

But, respect her jealousy (even though it may not be validated by your actions), and work with her to manage the relationship together.

Good luck, Steve.

(in reply to midnightprince)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Insecure Sub - 10/2/2004 7:37:56 PM   
ShrewWhisperer


Posts: 63
Joined: 8/26/2004
Status: offline 		I'm going to take an un-PC stance here,

with subs who get jealous about everything/anything, assuming the are not a basket -needy-case else where in their personality, sometimes it's a control thing, a totally defensible control thing, as long as she's jealous, you're on your P&Q's about not making her jealous....then you get into the other lesser things down the slippery slope if you follow the logic.

As other people have said you're going to have to get the answer from her...and if you can't maybe it's time to think about not playing with her if this is going to be a ongoing problem

(in reply to Torque)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Insecure Sub - 10/3/2004 12:39:56 AM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Not everyone is comfortable sharing. It could be that you are wanting something that she will never be able to give you. If she is the jealous type, making her share you with other subs isn't going to help.

(in reply to midnightprince)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Insecure Sub - 10/3/2004 2:24:40 PM   
cariad


Posts: 943
Joined: 9/25/2004
From: Calgary, Alberta
Status: offline 		speaking as a slave who from time to time gets jealous of the time Master spends talking to other girls online, this slave used to tell Master she felt like she was being put on the back burner. this was especially true one day when He was talking with her, then said "Sorry cariad, My co-author just came online and I need to speak with her." this slave then told Him that she was tired of being put on the back burner all the time and He apologized for making her feel that way, and reassured her that He would spend more time with her when He was done talking to His co-author. W/we then talked about it later on the phone that night and she told Him it's not that she minds Him talking to these other women or His co-author but that it seems to happen when He is supposed to be spending quality time with this slave. it's hard having a LDR with Master because of these very reasons. He reassured her that if W/we were to live together that she would have His full attention other than when He is online and even then W/we would talk online and that it's her He wants for His slave and no other. this slave knows that it is her He wishes to have and no other because of the time W/we spent together in August of this year, the way He treated her made her feel special, loved, cared for, wanted, more alive than she had been in years. she knows it's her that He would come home to, sleep beside, make love to and her who would feel the sweet stinging kisses of His paddle, flogger or hand and no other. try reassuring her that it's her You wish to be with and her whom You will be making love to, her that will feel the sweet stinging kisses of Your flogger, whip, paddle, hand or any other toy You choose to use on her.

_____________________________

The Path To Being A Good slave Takes Hard Work, A Willingness To Learn, Ability To Take Criticism and the Ability To Take Punishments Well. i Am Still Learning So Please Be Patient With me, As i Walk the Path to Being A good slave. SLRN: 742 958 000

(in reply to midnightprince)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Insecure Sub - 10/3/2004 2:24:41 PM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline
quote:

My response to that was no one can take your place in my heart. I totally believe that. I was married to a woman for 15 yrs. and no matter were I go or what I do, no one can take her place

And this is supposed to reassure her? It looks like a bunch of deceptive double talk, because you're not with your wife anymore so having a place in your heart doesn't appear to mean very much. If I was her, I'd hear this and think "What a crock of bs -- if he likes the other gal better and dumps me, I don't care if I still have a place in his heart."

If you use such slippery "logic" in other situations, it is no wonder she is insecure.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 10/3/2004 2:29:35 PM >

(in reply to midnightprince)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Insecure Sub - 10/3/2004 2:54:52 PM   
LadyBeckett


Posts: 865
Joined: 2/4/2004
From: Scotland/Tennessee
Status: offline 		Even in established (understood) poly relationships, the primary relationship is established and solid before another relationship is introduced. If your sub is having jealousy issues, and you wish to continue the relationship with her, then it is important that these issues be resolved. It may help if she understands that you are not seeking to replace her, and that you are also not seeking to fill a need that she has "failed" to fulfill for you. There is also the consideration, if applicable to your situation, that all of your interactions, with another, may not include her. Allowing her to voice (or write down) her concerns (specifically) and addressing them with her may help.

_____________________________

Lady Beckett

_______________________________________________

"Submissive boys yearn to fall into their proper place, so the rest of their life will." ~ Lady Beckett

(in reply to midnightprince)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Insecure Sub - 10/3/2004 3:16:01 PM   
Nvernilla


Posts: 303
Joined: 10/1/2004
Status: offline 		Well I'm going to agree with happy pervert here and take it a step farther, I've found that a woman, jealous or not, does not want to hear anything about your past relationships regardless of how good of a point it serves to prove. I personally think it was a mistake to share her with another man also but to each their own. Another thing I'd be mindful of is the way jealousy seems to snowball in a person. Has she always been jealous? How long have you two had a relationship? All things to consider but of course the call is yours...Mike

(in reply to LadyBeckett)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Insecure Sub - 10/3/2004 4:48:10 PM   
prettySYDkitten


Posts: 1
Joined: 10/3/2004
Status: offline 		i am a sub also and i can fully understand her insecurities. are you paying her enough attention..maybe this is all she needs .For you to make her feel she is the one you want as your number one and show her this...make her feel she is the one...the others are just toys

(in reply to midnightprince)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Insecure Sub - 10/3/2004 7:35:41 PM   
midnightprince


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		I woul like to reply to your and happy pervert response, that fact that I was married to the same woman for 15 yrs is not something I brought up in my defense on this subject with her. I used that in a context to make the statement on my feelings about never losing someone. I have attemtped to spend more time with her and for that reason I have even started to stay at her home more often because of the fact that we live about a hour and a half apart, in an attenpt to show her that I indeed want to spend more time with her and that she is very special to me. Happypervert, the fact that I allowed her to play with another I don't see that as wrong at all, due to the fact it's something that she expressed to me that she wanted. I understand and I'm very secure with the fact that it was only a scene and nothing more. If I had done something to warrant the jealous feelings then I would understand that. I have tried to be attenitve to her in every way.

(in reply to LadyBeckett)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Insecure Sub - 10/3/2004 7:44:21 PM   
danae


Posts: 46
Joined: 1/2/2004
Status: offline 		Now this is a topic I can relate to. I had never been jealous a day in my life (and you can look up my age in my profile lol), until I met my Master. I've been with him four years, and it hasn't gotten any better. I do believe it's the long distance thing that brings out my green-eyed monster. When we're together, life is perfect. But he's understanding. As he said to me, "A person doesn't become conservative, until they have something to conserve." I still can't believe I've been lucky enough to find him!

So he doesn't try to convince me I shouldn't be jealous (I already know that. He's wonderful.) or tells me not to be ("Don't be jealous" doesn't work at all!) I can feel as much jealousy as I want, as long as I don't act it out and annoy him. lol

Actually, that works for me. I get over it without compounding my insecurities by having him mad at me.

danae


(in reply to midnightprince)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Insecure Sub - 10/3/2004 8:14:22 PM   
realophelia


Posts: 168
Status: offline
quote:

I would like to get some thougts, on dealing with a sub that is very insecure of other subs and slaves when I have not given her a reason. In fact I allowed her to play with another male and myself and she really injoyed it. However the idea of another sub or slave joining in bothers her.


You could give her time to feel safer in the relationship. Or you could try to get to the bottom of her insecurities. Or you could just make her do it and let the emotional chips fly, if you're that kind of Dom. Whatever you do, don't reassure her that she'll have a place in your heart when you've moved on :)

Take care,
Ophelia

(in reply to midnightprince)
Profile   Post #: 14
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