RE: Compromise vs settling.

RE: Compromise vs settling. (Full Version)

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MasterRenegade77 -> RE: Compromise vs settling. (5/1/2006 11:03:56 AM)
I don't settle which is prolly why I've not found anyone, but that's alright at least I know I'm True to Myself & My Morals, Ethics & Ideals!!!

thetammyjo -> RE: Compromise vs settling. (5/1/2006 12:26:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Reasonable A lot of these forums seem to express people who had difficulties with others from,well,not being very patient. Where do you think the line lies,between making a reasonable compromise to be with someone,and settling for getting so little of what you really want-or having to put up with things you really DON'T want........To getting what you at least THINK you need? And if you got pretty much everything you desired-how did that come about? I have a list in my head and written out of what I need, what I desire, and what my hard limits are -- not just in terms of bdsm stuff either. I will compromise to get what I desire but not to get what I need or on my hard limits.

BitaTruble -> RE: Compromise vs settling. (5/1/2006 12:30:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Reasonable A lot of these forums seem to express people who had difficulties with others from,well,not being very patient. Where do you think the line lies,between making a reasonable compromise to be with someone,and settling for getting so little of what you really want-or having to put up with things you really DON'T want........To getting what you at least THINK you need? And if you got pretty much everything you desired-how did that come about? Answering the last question first, getting everything I desired came about through networking, attending local groups and getting out there in the real day to day world of BDSM. I didn't wait around for Prince Charming though. I played, on both sides of the flogger, and had a blast doing so. My love for WIITWD grew as did my knowledge of myself. When I was ready and when Himself was ready, we were able to find each other. It took 15 years for me, longer for him, but by the time we met, we both had a pretty good idea on what we wanted, what we could do without and what would work in a relationship. ... and they lived happily ever after. :) Celeste

CrappyDom -> RE: Compromise vs settling. (5/1/2006 3:47:15 PM)
LA, I was speaking for the hordes of older fatter female submissives in the scene, the ones you always see with someone new or with nobody at all but are always there at events and parties. You made it sound easier to find a suitable partner than I think most in the scene have it. They are often the ones who "accept" poly because their choice is often that or the highway or they end up serving some new guy, train him up good and he dumps her for a younger version. Before individual "X" attacks me because the above doesn't fit them to a T, I am speaking in generalities, meaning while the above may not apply to YOU, it DOES apply to many in the scene, at least in my tiny corner of the world, San Francisco.

juliaoceania -> RE: Compromise vs settling. (5/1/2006 4:16:01 PM)
I think that as in real life so on the internet when it comes to finding people. Some people do put unreasonable expectations on anyone they would fnd interesting, others would settle for just someone. It all depends on the individual... The sad thing I see from some people is that they have a huge wish list of things they want on profile that the average person is just not going to measure up to... they have effectively rejected most people before they even got an email and these same people complain they cannot find anyone.. I wonder why? It would be nice if we could separate our wants from our needs. I have done so on my profile... I do not demand people be a certain something other than able to hold a conversation with me and not be so far out of shape that I would have to become a caretaker for them right away. I may not be attracted to them in the final analysis of it, but how would I know unless I emailed a few times and found out? Compromising is the ability to keep an open mind about someone that you might not ordinarily be attracted to, but you can see they have qualities that you find appealing. Settling on the other hand is being with someone that does not appeal strongly to you because you are desparate or do not want to be alone.

LadiesBladewing -> RE: Compromise vs settling. (5/1/2006 4:22:44 PM)
I compromise often, but settle never. Sometimes, I don't get exactly what I want, but with a little patience, even the most deep of compromises -- cut to the very edge of what I thought I could accept -- have resulted in some amazing opportunities to explore new facets of myself and of my relationships. The biggest issue is that so many people don't really know what they want. They have a fantasy of the -best- that they could possibly imagine, but they've never really sat down and said "Ok... this is what I want. I am willing to be flexible on this part, but this part is -really- important to me, and the situation I get into will have to respect this thing." They don't go through their fantasy, piece by piece, weigh it against reality, and decide what things are critical enough to fight for, and which things they can peacefully let go of in the interest of the experience. We do this with so many things in our lives... our work, our partnerships, our friendships, our social obligations... and then we find ourselves manipulating situations so that they look, at least at the outset, like our fantasy. We convince ourselves that this is the PERFECT match -- that we won't have to compromise at all with this one, because the things that look like compromises, we're -sure- we can "fix" so they become exactly what we want. We don't take time to make sure of where we stand, because we are -terrified- that if we say no to this, we won't have -anything-. I work with so many people who live their whole lives in dissatisfaction and fear, only because they've moved so quickly to snatch up whatever was laid down before them, without making sure that it was -really- what they wanted and needed, that they find themselves disappointed, and with the disappointment comes dissatisfaction, and an -increase- in their fear that they'll never have what they want... because they -took- what came, and look.. IT wasn't what they wanted either. I often tell people that the very first thing they need to do if they want a healthy relationship is commit some time to learning about themselves, and coming to peace with being their own best friend and best companion... the self who is completely honest with them, helps them figure out what they really want and need in their lives, and who speaks in their head and reminds them that their own well-being is a worthy goal. I like being in a relationship. I find joy every day in my interactions with the people that I share a life with. At the same time, if our lives took us in different directions, I know that we would still love each other, even if we didn't live together. I know this, because I know me, and I took the time to get to know them. We are completely honest with one another, but are honest in a life-affirming, humanity-cherishing way... never in a way that tears the other person down or destroys their hope of becoming the person that we all know in our hearts that we can be. This takes time and work. It comes without pre-conceived notions, or empty promises... and with an increasing sense of caring and open-ness that gives me lovers for -life-. What an extraordinary feeling. I haven't lost anything when I've chosen to follow my path, whether I could follow it with others or had to walk it alone. In the end, I've gained abundant friendship and no limits to the love in my life, and the reason goes back to knowing what I want and need, being willing to compromise and take risks, and most of all, being willing to take the time to learn about the people that I get involved with... patiently, and with the understanding that I don't define who they are, any more than they define who I am... the best I can do is know myself, and learn as much as they will grace me with about them. Lady Zephyr quote: ORIGINAL: Reasonable A lot of these forums seem to express people who had difficulties with others from,well,not being very patient. Where do you think the line lies,between making a reasonable compromise to be with someone,and settling for getting so little of what you really want-or having to put up with things you really DON'T want........To getting what you at least THINK you need? And if you got pretty much everything you desired-how did that come about?

Reasonable -> RE: Compromise vs settling. (5/1/2006 4:23:01 PM)
It's ok to have lists julie-as long as you do not expect instasnt gratification.

twicehappy -> RE: Compromise vs settling. (5/1/2006 5:20:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin quote: ORIGINAL: CrappyDom Its is also easier when you are intelligent, young, and beautiful. It is a lot harder when you are middle aged, overweight, and your attractiveness isn't what it used to be which is the case with most in the S&M scene. Your advice is usually spot on but this one rings a bit of flippancy and youth. Speaking as someone who is no longer the hard bellied sexpot that I was at the age of 18, I know a few people who still think you are hot!

twicehappy -> RE: Compromise vs settling. (5/1/2006 5:32:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Reasonable And if you got pretty much everything you desired-how did that come about? I did not settle for less than i wanted. Physical attributes i never made a list of with the exception of preferring a beard, and over the age of 45. On the mental aspect of it i stood my ground. Why put myself in a situation i would become dissatisfied with to the point of walking away. Not fair to any of the parties involved. I am strictly M/s oriented and looked for the same. The only compromise i made was on the work issue. I wanted to work and they wanted me home. I stood my ground on the fact that anyone i would consider had to ride. I knew i could not live without motorcycles. In the end partly because i was not willing to settle i found my perfect matches. And i am ecstatically happy.

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