LadiesBladewing
Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
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I compromise often, but settle never. Sometimes, I don't get exactly what I want, but with a little patience, even the most deep of compromises -- cut to the very edge of what I thought I could accept -- have resulted in some amazing opportunities to explore new facets of myself and of my relationships.
The biggest issue is that so many people don't really know what they want. They have a fantasy of the -best- that they could possibly imagine, but they've never really sat down and said "Ok... this is what I want. I am willing to be flexible on this part, but this part is -really- important to me, and the situation I get into will have to respect this thing." They don't go through their fantasy, piece by piece, weigh it against reality, and decide what things are critical enough to fight for, and which things they can peacefully let go of in the interest of the experience.
We do this with so many things in our lives... our work, our partnerships, our friendships, our social obligations... and then we find ourselves manipulating situations so that they look, at least at the outset, like our fantasy. We convince ourselves that this is the PERFECT match -- that we won't have to compromise at all with this one, because the things that look like compromises, we're -sure- we can "fix" so they become exactly what we want. We don't take time to make sure of where we stand, because we are -terrified- that if we say no to this, we won't have -anything-.
I work with so many people who live their whole lives in dissatisfaction and fear, only because they've moved so quickly to snatch up whatever was laid down before them, without making sure that it was -really- what they wanted and needed, that they find themselves disappointed, and with the disappointment comes dissatisfaction, and an -increase- in their fear that they'll never have what they want... because they -took- what came, and look.. IT wasn't what they wanted either.
I often tell people that the very first thing they need to do if they want a healthy relationship is commit some time to learning about themselves, and coming to peace with being their own best friend and best companion... the self who is completely honest with them, helps them figure out what they really want and need in their lives, and who speaks in their head and reminds them that their own well-being is a worthy goal.
I like being in a relationship. I find joy every day in my interactions with the people that I share a life with. At the same time, if our lives took us in different directions, I know that we would still love each other, even if we didn't live together. I know this, because I know me, and I took the time to get to know them. We are completely honest with one another, but are honest in a life-affirming, humanity-cherishing way... never in a way that tears the other person down or destroys their hope of becoming the person that we all know in our hearts that we can be. This takes time and work. It comes without pre-conceived notions, or empty promises... and with an increasing sense of caring and open-ness that gives me lovers for -life-. What an extraordinary feeling.
I haven't lost anything when I've chosen to follow my path, whether I could follow it with others or had to walk it alone. In the end, I've gained abundant friendship and no limits to the love in my life, and the reason goes back to knowing what I want and need, being willing to compromise and take risks, and most of all, being willing to take the time to learn about the people that I get involved with... patiently, and with the understanding that I don't define who they are, any more than they define who I am... the best I can do is know myself, and learn as much as they will grace me with about them.
Lady Zephyr
quote:
ORIGINAL: Reasonable
A lot of these forums seem to express people who had difficulties with others from,well,not being very patient.
Where do you think the line lies,between making a reasonable compromise to be with someone,and settling for getting so little of what you really want-or having to put up with things you really DON'T want........To getting what you at least THINK you need?
And if you got pretty much everything you desired-how did that come about?
_____________________________
"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
Bladewing Enclave
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RE: Compromise vs settling. - 
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