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RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/14/2011 8:07:15 AM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

If you are happy, stay.

If you are not, leave.

If you are waiting for the situation to change, it wont. You are not his priority. He has told you this.

Take his comment of... "my way or the highway" as...

accept or leave. Those ARE your only options.

I feel your pain. I wish you luck regardless of your decision. Neither path will be easy.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to confusedcherub)

Post #: 61

RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/14/2011 8:12:37 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

While I will no doubt be corrected by statisticians, after compiling yet more anecdotes, I think I have enough data to conclude that:

1. I am more likely than not to have a positive experience with someone who has participated in the local scene at some point.
2. I am more likely than not to have a negative experience, neutral experience, or never meet someone who has never participated in the local scene.

I am therefore moving non-participation into the negative column.

(in reply to RapierFugue)

Post #: 62

RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/14/2011 8:18:50 AM

RapierFugue

Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
I am therefore moving non-participation into the negative column.

As you are entirely entitled to do.

I however, wouldn't, because my experience is different.

Edited to fix my minging grammar :)

< Message edited by RapierFugue -- 1/14/2011 8:19:45 AM >

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 63

RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/14/2011 9:17:18 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

My experience has been in the reverse.
I tend to have long lasting relationships with men who have never been in the scene, or who have only been introduced to the scene by me. To date, every man who has been romantically in my life has been kinky, twisted, perverted, sadistic, playful.. in a non prescribed fashion. Lucky me!

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

While I will no doubt be corrected by statisticians, after compiling yet more anecdotes, I think I have enough data to conclude that:

1. I am more likely than not to have a positive experience with someone who has participated in the local scene at some point.
2. I am more likely than not to have a negative experience, neutral experience, or never meet someone who has never participated in the local scene.

I am therefore moving non-participation into the negative column.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 64

RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/14/2011 9:46:33 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

Here's some music for the road.....get yourself a sweet car like this one for the ride :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNOUNFNYAmA

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 65

RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/14/2011 1:22:11 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

While I will no doubt be corrected by statisticians, after compiling yet more anecdotes, I think I have enough data to conclude that:

1. I am more likely than not to have a positive experience with someone who has participated in the local scene at some point.
2. I am more likely than not to have a negative experience, neutral experience, or never meet someone who has never participated in the local scene.

I am therefore moving non-participation into the negative column.

The "scene" (community) is about as relevant to an intimate D/s relationship as an orgy or wife-swap party is to an intimate vanilla relationship.

I found community get-togethers (such as a private party) to be creepy for their largely uninhibited excesses. This is what it is to "belong..."? Felt like I was in a freak show, and that's just NOT who I am.

I like my women with some modesty and style; a little delicate; girly; a bit of mystery; an inhibition or two. Rarely saw more than one of those traits within community orientated fem/subs. Oh yeah, and monogamous. It's not enough that I won't play with a sub just 'cause she's willing and that none are playing with my girl - I found it creepy and grubby just being asked. ICK!

And that gets me stigmatised as one who isn't "true" or trustworthy blah blah. If that's how community really is (and it largely is), then I'll keep giving it a big pass....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 66

RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/14/2011 2:17:11 PM

osf

Posts: 3288
Joined: 10/19/2009
Status: offline

you asked and he answered, what more can we add

_____________________________

all around nice guy and creative misogynist

i'm not very skilled so i just hit harder

i want a woman to make into the woman she never wanted to become

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 67

RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/14/2011 6:16:06 PM

kdsusa7894

Posts: 193
Joined: 12/19/2010
Status: offline

And OP, in your one post on here you stated "try to figure out where we went wrong", you didn't. He did. Hold your head high and shoulders back and walk proud. He's the one that made the mistake of taking lightly and callously what you were giving with a true heart. Walk away as he is not giving you what YOU need and is instead telling you that what he is willing to give should be enough, obviously it isn't. Just move on but when you walk away do it with pride as you gave it your all and you can't ask for more than that. I have been there as have most people. If you need a friend, ask..... I will do my best to help you through. Take care of you.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val To Aqua- Thanks!
Seduce my mind and you can have my body, find my soul and I'm yours forever...

(in reply to osf)

Post #: 68

RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/14/2011 6:22:07 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

People who play publicly are people I have no compatibility with. If what you want is to be an exhibitionist or a voyeur, or both, I'm not compatible. If you want to play with multiple partners, I'm not compatible. If you have to play casually in public because you're incapable of maintaining a long term, monogamous relationship - I'm not compatible.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to kdsusa7894)

Post #: 69

RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/15/2011 2:18:51 AM

sansa

Posts: 56
Joined: 12/7/2006
Status: offline

To the OP: i agree with the others, he's been using you. Pick up the pieces and move on as soon as you can.

To those talking about the "local scene": Ok...my $.02....The "local scene" does not have to apply to just play parties. It can simply be those who get together in a vanilla setting to discuss the lifestyle, to form friendships with others within the lifestyle. It does not have to be orgies and multiple partners and exhibition. i've been a member of my "local scene" without playing publicly but a few times, over the last 7 years. i'm fairly modest and very shy. It takes a while to get me to break out of my shell. That, however, did not stop me from founding a munch group in my local area, and that is all it is: a munch group. The group meets monthly to have dinner together at a local restaurant and discuss what's happening in the community. The meetings consist of everyone introducing themselves, announcements of events in the area (meaning about a 300 mile radius around where we are), which might be demos or discussion groups, or, yes, play parties. Some members attend the play parties held by groups in the nearest two larger cities than our own. Some do not attend play parties or events at all, but they Still Attend The Munches To Be Part Of The Community. There's Nothing wrong with joining the community, the local scene, at all, and i have to agree with the one who mentioned she would consider a refusal to be a part of the community to be a negative point. If i were still looking, a refusal to at least try to form friendships with people local to you, who you can see, in person, face to face, on a regular basis, would be a serious red flag to me.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 70

RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/15/2011 3:15:42 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Thanks Sansa. I too was referring to the educational rather than exhibitionistic aspect of the local scene and did a terrible job conveying this.

I'm trying to avoid Mr "I don't go to demos because I already know all and there's no human being on earth who could possibly teach me a thing" rather than Mr "I don't go to the Fetish Factory Alter Ego parties because the dynamic is prevalently swing club members with costumes and toys".

(in reply to sansa)

Post #: 71

RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/15/2011 4:39:03 AM

RapierFugue

Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Thanks Sansa. I too was referring to the educational rather than exhibitionistic aspect of the local scene and did a terrible job conveying this.

I'm trying to avoid Mr "I don't go to demos because I already know all and there's no human being on earth who could possibly teach me a thing" rather than Mr "I don't go to the Fetish Factory Alter Ego parties because the dynamic is prevalently swing club members with costumes and toys".

What you're "trying to avoid" doesn’t alter the fact that someone’s participation in a “local scene”, in whatever context, doesn't make them more, or less, worthy or suitable as a partner.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 72

RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/15/2011 7:54:32 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel

DarkSteven, i don't understand the latter part of your sentence. Why would someone NOT a part of the local scene cause anyone to go more "deliberately?"

Okay, angel. What I meant to convey is that if someone is part of the local scene, he's got locals to vouch for him (or against him). That's a useful bit of info. If he's not part of the scene, then you have one less piece of info about him and should proceed more slowly as a consequence.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RapierFugue

What you're "trying to avoid" doesn’t alter the fact that someone’s participation in a “local scene”, in whatever context, doesn't make them more, or less, worthy or suitable as a partner.

That depends. If you're seeking technical skills, then scene participation is almost a must. I became a much better spanker after observing others play, and cannot imagine someone submitting to a whipping from someone that had not learned from others.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to barelynangel)

Post #: 73

RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/15/2011 7:57:13 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

I would not necessarily depend on people from munches to provide references. Often munch members have their own agendas and battles with each other. I think there is no substitute for getting to know someone over time and making your own decisions. I would not depend on others' opinions.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 74

RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/15/2011 8:02:47 AM

RapierFugue

Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: RapierFugue

What you're "trying to avoid" doesn’t alter the fact that someone’s participation in a “local scene”, in whatever context, doesn't make them more, or less, worthy or suitable as a partner.

That depends. If you're seeking technical skills, then scene participation is almost a must.

Sorry, but you're talking out of your arse. While I've enjoyed some demos and participations in scene events, they haven't actually "taught" me anything I didn't already know about things I was most interested in, and had been doing for years. I've only ever learned one specific skill there that I wasn't already competent in, and that was fire play. If someone hadn't been specifically looking for that (and I wouldn't have, as I never do, profess to knowledge I don't have) then I would have been no less competent before I took part in scene events then I was afterwards.

I'll reiterate; I'm not saying everyone who hasn't been to scene events and had participations is competent, but it's wholly untrue to say that scene participation is even slightly a pre-requisite for competence or suitability as a partner. You're allowing your affection for same, or possibly your affection for those who participate in same, to colour your logic.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 75

RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/15/2011 8:07:27 AM

RapierFugue

Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
I think there is no substitute for getting to know someone over time and making your own decisions. I would not depend on others' opinions.

Absolutely. Plus, of course, so much of what goes on (as in so many things in life) is personal; from a technical perspective, what one person may consider perfect another might find extreme, or what one considers excellent another might think is laughably tame. Same goes for emotional content; some may enjoy a cold, dispassionate Dom/Master, another might find their needs better met by someone who tries to make more of an emotional connection.

It's simply too variable and personal a sphere of endeavour to attempt to bring any kind of merit-badge approach to bear. Otherwise, there would be universally respected qualifications, handed out by the University of Dominance, or the Further Education College Of Slavery.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 76

RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/15/2011 2:57:52 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

What I meant to convey is that if someone is part of the local scene, he's got locals to vouch for him (or against him). That's a useful bit of info. If he's not part of the scene, then you have one less piece of info about him and should proceed more slowly as a consequence.

And that, for what it is worth, is a crock of shit.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 77

RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/15/2011 3:52:37 PM

paindrops

Posts: 5
Joined: 9/18/2010
Status: offline

I agree with those who state, that you may not be his primary relationship. I was in a similar situation with a "dom" who called only at night and when we did talk it was only about 5 minutes. Most of our communication was online, he "traveled" a lot, and the sex was quick. Well I found out that he was engaged and according to his finance never practiced or mentioned the lifestyle to her. In his mind he was a dom. He tried to keep the relationship hidden until she went through his cellphone. He has done this to several women.

Sometimes we ignore the signs because we are desperate to serve, be with someone, and have a warm body next to us. Therefore, we forget our heads and common sense. The signs are there. Even if he isn't married, creeping, or cheating you deserve better. Don't allow being submissive to give you a pass for falling for bs.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 78

RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/21/2011 7:25:16 PM

Firebirdseeking

Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline

You need to get clear about something: which is, how do you define a "relationship"? what is important to you? Do your values match his? That is usually what happens in a healthy relationship.

And, as others have said, if he does not talk on the phone with you, and doesnt want to be with you, he either has someone else or doesnt want to be close with anyone, including you. A D/s relationship is still a relationship. That is, the needs of both people are important.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 79

RE: need advice about my relationship - 1/21/2011 7:32:17 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

And some of us find a heavy scene participant to be someone we don't want. If what you demonstrate is years of casual play with multiple partners, then don't expect your claim to want to have a committed relationship to be taken seriously. People who want a relationship will have had one. Saying you do while doing otherwise brings up red flags.

Now if you're in your 20's then that's different. However I would still hope he would have had at least one relationship of a couple or several years lasting in his past. Without it I would doubt his true desire or capability of having said relationship.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Firebirdseeking)

Post #: 80

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