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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 6:10:23 PM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Tantriqu

A quick test for a narcissist: gush over their watch and ask where they got it. An average person will look at you kinda funny and say, er, thanks, um, maybe Walmart, and change the subject, or compliment you on something you're wearing.
A NARCISSIST will give you the freakin' time, day and weather when they bought the watch, PLUS how Donald Trump/Princess Di once tried to buy it from them.

Unless they have Asperger's, OCD or some other disorder which causes them to miss social cues and be literal in their answer. Meaning time, day and weather when they bought the watch and anything else that pertains to it. And what pertains to it will be skewed by the fact that they have a disorder.

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 6:13:04 PM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Unless they have Asperger's, OCD or some other disorder which causes them to miss social cues and be literal in their answer. Meaning time, day and weather when they bought the watch and anything else that pertains to it. And what pertains to it will be skewed by the fact that they have a disorder.

Twice in one thread? I'm scared now.

Seriously though, good point.

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RE: Compliments - 1/16/2011 6:15:02 PM

Phoenixpower

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quote:

ORIGINAL: dcnovice

quote:

ORIGINAL: CerVeza

As a side note to these tatted up girls.. look, go all the way and get one of those gross face tats. That will complete you. Just a hint.

Well, that was random.

I see it's not just the political threads that benefit from CV's--shall we say--unique perspective.

maybe he secretly wishes someone to prompt him to get some hair tattooed onto his head (his head on top of his shoulders, not the one between his legs)

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RE: Compliments - 1/17/2011 12:35:02 AM

SexyBossyBBW

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Hey again Maria,

quote:

We have people round for dinner quite a lot. Steve tends to invite them with no idea of what we are going to eat and I am the one that plans and buys for a good supper. If none of my guests ever paid my meals a compliment its likely I would stop having them round for dinner. Not because I didn't want them round but because I would lose confidence in my ability to cook something tasty.

It sounds to me, like Steve, the most important opinion, has all the confidence in the world, in your cooking. Otherwise, I doubt he would invite guests over for dinner that frequently.

I also think, those guests should compliment your cooking, as well as, bring something with them, if they are frequently over. I have a large family, and we've always had people coming over, loving the food, and ambiance. After a certain amount of time though, you do start to notice one or two people never bring anything, which I think is poor manners, and kind of using your host. All of my sisters are great cooks; whereas, I am great at a few dishes. So, I tend to do what they need (shop for them), and they tend to do what I need, cook for me. M

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RE: Compliments - 1/17/2011 6:21:21 AM

allthatjaz

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Thanks again all except the silly little bald man who never has anything nice to say to anyone and btw he was possibly commenting on my tats!

Phoenixpower, my mum is just like yours

The problem with being brought up with someone who never compliments is, you end up trying even harder to please them. I was guilty of this for years because her approval became a mission. I think that could partially be my problem and probably why I ended up with a partner that behaved the same way as her. What probably wouldn't be an issue to others is an issue to me so thanks for making me realize that.

I don't think for a moment that she is a narcissist. She does continually talk about herself but I think thats more because she doesn't get our conversations and she is much more a one to one woman than a group type of person. Talking about herself can lead one of us away from a conversation she knows little about or doesn't understand.
Because she talks so much about herself we obviously know a lot about her history and she's not had a particularly good one. She was adopted for starters and from the age of 16 she was on her own. She is in her 40s, never been married and never had children and is presently in a relationship where she is cook, cleaner and chief bottle washer.
I did once say to her 'I had some sad news today. My uncle died during surgery' and she answered 'talking of uncles, I'm going to my uncles birthday party in two weeks time'. Now this is kind of typical of her but I think she doesn't have the capability to listen. If I had asked her what I had just said she probably wouldn't of had a clue.

Its her day off tomorrow and I'm sure she will come round. That gives me chance to ask her if she has a problem complimenting people. I'll let you know how it goes

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RE: Compliments - 1/17/2011 9:28:39 AM

CherryNeko

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I could be wrong, but some people take complimenting others as a sign of weakness. Because of course, when you're scared of someone, you're more inclined to compliment them in order to win them over.
Try to invite her, and only her, over. So when the moment for a compliment comes, she won't be able to escape, bwahaha. Still, if she doesn't, ask her why she behaves like that. Maybe she hasn't even noticed, maybe she hates finding herself in that position. If you two talk, I'm sure it will make sense in the end.
OR you could corner her, but that wouldn't be as smooth.

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RE: Compliments - 1/17/2011 9:35:29 AM

LaTigresse

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I was thinking about this and.......some of the most unhappy and insecure people I know, rarely compliment others. I think they are too focused on their own misery.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 1/17/2011 9:36:16 AM >

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RE: Compliments - 1/17/2011 9:38:47 AM

allthatjaz

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I find that really bizarre Cherry. I think sucking up to someone is different but surely commenting on a good meal is just the polite thing to do?
I will never praise if I don't think that praise is deserved or if its a lie. I went out shopping today with a friend and I hated her choice of clothing. She asked for my opinion of everything she tried on and I was honest.
Then again, I'm the type of person that would make a comment like 'yum that's what was needed' if a friend cooked me eggs on toast.

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RE: Compliments - 1/17/2011 11:28:41 AM

January

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Hi Maria,

One of the things that struck me about your original post was that this person doesn't even thank you for inviting her to dinner. If she never thanks you, that IS rude. That goes way beyond compliments. It's basic courtesy. I also think saying hmm about your wedding dress shows a supreme lack of empathy. What woman in the world isn't feeling vulnerable about the way she looks on her wedding day? Really. Sheesh, even a woman with minimal vanity wants to look good!

So I have to ask, what is it you find so wonderful about her that you would even invite her to your get-togethers? You can't confide in her. She's rude. She's snotty by omission. Do you like her partner? Is she fun? Brilliant? Creative? A spectacular singer? Or do you just feel sorry for her?

Anyway, I don't accept having been treated badly as an excuse for treating others badly. If she's a self-aware adult, she should exert some self-control and try to better herself emotionally. I think that childhood of hers is a convenient excuse. I think she's just intimidated by you. (Compare what you have and are, with what she has and is).

There is nothing, except for her Schadenfruede, that will make her treat you better.

January

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RE: Compliments - 1/17/2011 11:41:09 AM

CherryNeko

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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

I find that really bizarre Cherry. I think sucking up to someone is different but surely commenting on a good meal is just the polite thing to do?
I will never praise if I don't think that praise is deserved or if its a lie. I went out shopping today with a friend and I hated her choice of clothing. She asked for my opinion of everything she tried on and I was honest.
Then again, I'm the type of person that would make a comment like 'yum that's what was needed' if a friend cooked me eggs on toast.

Yes, complimenting someone is a way of being polite. Actually, it is also a way of just... being. Example. I will offer criticism, but start and end with good, honest, meaningful compliments. I like to compliment people a lot, sometimes I just do it without thinking. People usually think I'm trying to get something, but really, I am just like that. On the other hand, I won't compliment someone who is impolite, no matter how hard I try. However there ARE people who feel like it's unworthy... I don't understand them either, but yes, there are people like that, and that's what they think.
Yes, bizarre is the word.

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RE: Compliments - 1/17/2011 11:54:43 AM

Phoenixpower

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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
Phoenixpower, my mum is just like yours The problem with being brought up with someone who never compliments is, you end up trying even harder to please them. I was guilty of this for years because her approval became a mission.

Yes, I agree to that.

Thankfully in my teenage years I developed to distance myself from trying to please my parents (both dont compliment, unless its about their son) as some serious talks with my sports coach at that time helped me a lot in that respect (he alway gave me a lift to and from the sport gym) and developed the habbit to shrug off comments from them with "you aren't happy/I don't please you with what I am doing? Guess what, I am not born to do what pleases you, I am born to live my own life. Get over it." On top of that I knew that granny was my huge fan as never ever anyone managed to put me down in front of her (and quite a few tried!), which helped me to build up resilience about them and since I live in another country it is simply more apparent that I couldn't care less about their views/wishes, as quite frankly, they don't live my life, after all. I know that I wouldn't have gotten where I am these days if I would have remained dependent on their approval, though I know at the same time that I would have achieved it earlier in life if they would have just done their parenting job properly.

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RE: Compliments - 1/17/2011 3:11:19 PM

allthatjaz

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Hi January,

My husband and her partner are friends and I get on with her partner really well too. Within the group of us that tend to dinner together I have noticed other couples not inviting these two along so much and I think its perhaps for the same reasons I started this post. I think that's a shame because he's great entertainment at a dinner party.

I just think I haven't worked her out yet and I am not sure I ever will. An interesting observation is that she has no long term friends. I also think she is intimidated by people like me and because I know I can come over as intimidating to the meeker amongst us, I do feel kind of sorry for her.
If it was just her and me then we would just remain polite acquaintances (or at least I would be polite!) but there is a second person here (her partner) who is fun company and good to have around.

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RE: Compliments - 1/17/2011 4:07:27 PM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
I think sucking up to someone is different but surely commenting on a good meal is just the polite thing to do?

From what you've related of her history, it does not appear as though she was ever taught what was or wasn't polite.

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RE: Compliments - 1/17/2011 4:52:42 PM

January

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Hi Maria,

I'm getting a better picture of the situation now. I wonder what her partner sees in her!

I think this woman is intimidated by you, not because you are being intimidating, but because you are pulled together, and she isn't. For example, your being a good hostess and seeing to your guests' comfort, is enough to intimidate her. Rather than her thinking about how lovely it is to eat a wonderful meal with pleasant people, she's comparing herself to you. And coming up short, in her eyes.

There's not much you can do about her insecurity. But I do understand why you want to get along with her. (I also get the hyper-critical parent problem, too. Back in my younger days I wasted a lot time trying to charm people who were aloof, like my mother. Though they ultimately became friends, they didn't turn out to be very good ones.)

January

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