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Please help! - 10/3/2004 9:01:09 PM   
ahmedbi


Posts: 3
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I am a man of asian origin and like the slave lifestyle and wish to be one. But am very frustrated as my partner has no interest in the matter and this pains me as I cannot find satisfaction as if I always miss something. She stops just at conservative sex and do not want to go further. It is difficult also to find an external partner for casual BDSM sessions, even if I prefer female dom, I am willing to have a male dom to satisfy myself. Posting in the collar me is as if just nothing has changed. Please advise anybody and if some are in the same situation as me please share your ideas.Thank You.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Please help! - 10/3/2004 9:48:49 PM   
cranialcarnage


Posts: 34
Joined: 9/14/2004
Status: offline 		I hate to sound pessimistic about something that I have no direct part in, but if you are this unhappy with your current relationship and it is that much of a problem, maybe you should consider just moving on. NO one should have to compromise their own self worth or contentment for the sake of another.

(in reply to ahmedbi)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Please help! - 10/3/2004 10:12:58 PM   
newflowers


Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline 		The decision to end a committed relationship is not quite so cut and dried. If there is to be BDSM activity outside of the relationship, both partners should be aware and accepting of what is or will happen. There are certainly ways to incorporate some activity into a "vanilla" relationship to give satisfaction to both partners.

In the end, honesty and communication are key. Talk to your partner and explain your needs before stepping out or just leaving. For someone with no knowledge, awareness, or interest in alternative lifestyles, it may take more than one simple conversation to sort things out before any decision - to leave or to stray - is made.

newflowers

(in reply to cranialcarnage)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Please help! - 10/3/2004 10:13:05 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		This thread might help:

vanilla partners

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to ahmedbi)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Please help! - 10/7/2004 7:52:38 AM   
ahmedbi


Posts: 3
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your advice.
Our relation is in fact more complicated. Having an asian background we are not used to leaving our partner so easily (as for my partner she is in fact very possesif) and infidelity is also not an easy solution to envisage unless there is still no compromise and as the insatisfaction become greater it becomes in fact the only solution. But as I said finding a proper outside partner is also not easy. I have been on Coller me for about one year and have found nothing concrete up to now.!
As for discussion this topic periodically comes to surface as the situation deteriorates and cools down and is forgotten by her as quickly since she has no interest in the matter.

ahmedbi

(in reply to cranialcarnage)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Please help! - 10/7/2004 9:03:15 AM   
strongnsubmissiv


Posts: 197
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline 		.

I feel for you ahmedbi... and if bdsm is as deep rooted into your sexuality as it is mine, it's something that haunts your thoughts everyday.

The first thing you should know, and it may give you a little comfort, is that you are not alone. It's unfortunate that you've managed to identify your need for submission, after you've made the choice for a committed relationship with a vanilla partner, but it's a situation many people find themselves in.

I guess my advice to you would be to ask yourself what it is you require in life to make you happy. My biggest fear is to be sitting around when I'm 70, looking back and thinking that life has passed me by and i've not been able to express myself in a way which is true to what i am.

Also, never feel guilty for who and what you are. You are not broken or flawed, just different, and it's sometimes hard for vanilla people to realize this. Especially when the vanilla person is finding that thier lives are being affected by this lifestyle in a negative way, such as your current (posessive) partner may feel.

I find, that as long as i can go to bed at night, and feel like i'm doing the right thing for everyone involved (including myself), then i must be making the right choices. Learning to push away feelings of guilt and selfishness, while i try to maintain a certain level of happiness for myself is a constant challenge, but gets easier with each passing day.

Good luck to you ahmedbi... being this way isn't easy.

sns

_____________________________

*** Strong and submissive are not contradictions ***

(in reply to ahmedbi)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Please help! - 10/7/2004 9:33:47 AM   
INSIDEYOURMIND


Posts: 483
Status: offline 		Ahmedbi,
You are getting wonderful advice here, use it and maybe you can find what you seek.
If your spouse is possesive as you say, perhaps using that you could introduce her to your desires.
I would think that if your relationship is unhappy for you, it may be just as unhappy for your spouse. If this is the case and you can communicate, maybe it can be worked out. If not, maybe it is time to move on and make yourself happy.
In regards to your profile, which I did not read, maybe you should rewrite it, look at others, see if you are missing points that would make a Dominant contact you.
Good luck

_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

(in reply to strongnsubmissiv)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Please help! - 10/7/2004 10:02:00 AM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline 		Hi,

I agree with newflowers (as usual).

I'd also like to point out that getting your vanilla mate to accept your slavery is likely far easier than trying to get a vanilla mate to accept extreme sadism or extreme masochism.

I think the problem here is you have a certain, rigid definition of slavery, and you need to be more imaginative if you want to save your marriage. Think less in terms of "orders" from her, and more in terms of your unconditional, perfect, devoted, spoiling, sensitive "service".

I guess I have a hard time with the selfishness I sometimes see in self-described (and unhappy) slaves. You want what you want. Instead, find out what SHE wants. And give it to her. Devotedly. Get your kicks from HER satisfaction, not yours.

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to ahmedbi)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Please help! - 10/7/2004 10:21:46 AM   
ahmedbi


Posts: 3
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you for ur reply January, I wish to say that my wife feels very satisfied with what she has and I see to it that she get her orgasm on every time we make love and i in fact give her the unconditional, perfect, devoted, spoiling, sensitive "service". But for me I am still disatified and hungry and as strongsubmissiv say 'it's something that haunts your thoughts everyday'. I just wish to have more of BDSM and domination and submission scenes in my life.

(in reply to January)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Please help! - 10/7/2004 6:06:02 PM   
Laura


Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline 		Marriage should not be treated like a disposable pen. There is a lot more to a relationship (with or without marriage) than sexual fetishes. I'm glad you're not "moving on".

If your wife/ partner isn't interested in Domming you then you have to respect that. Consider her as your Domme. If she says No then that's your answer. Some men would love that kind of denial. It's all in your perspective.

_____________________________

Bait & Switch - Adult column

(in reply to ahmedbi)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Please help! - 10/7/2004 7:20:56 PM   
strongnsubmissiv


Posts: 197
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Laura

Marriage should not be treated like a disposable pen. There is a lot more to a relationship (with or without marriage) than sexual fetishes. I'm glad you're not "moving on".

If your wife/ partner isn't interested in Domming you then you have to respect that. Consider her as your Domme. If she says No then that's your answer. Some men would love that kind of denial. It's all in your perspective.


Laura i respect your views but for some it's not all that easy. If he's a hardwired submissive, he'll never find the happiness that comes with being able to live the way he needs to pretending that his vanilla wife is a Domme.
For some, these feelings draw many parallels with homosexuality. If a gay man was in denial, but realized inside of a straight relationship that he just can't fight it anymore, why would he stay married for the sake of keeping a marriage together? Some are here for just the fetish aspect, but there's a lot more to this than fetish alone. It's a shame when some of us realize this at a later time in life, because it's often after marriage and kids etc.. I know it's not fair to all involved, but sadly it's a reality for some.

sns

_____________________________

*** Strong and submissive are not contradictions ***

(in reply to Laura)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Please help! - 10/9/2004 10:23:47 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		Hi ahmedbi,
I understand your feelings, have been there. I would suggest you try a few things with your wife and see how she reacts. Maybe rent a bondage video, or take her to a sex store and show her some things you think might be fun to try. Tell her you always fantacized about being tied to the bed and would like to try it, or whatever your fantasies are. As for serving her like a slave, i agree that you may have to pretend she is your Domme and do everything you can to serve her. Good luck. Feel free to message me and we can discuss it more.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to ahmedbi)
Profile   Post #: 12
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