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RE: Respect And Conversation - 2/5/2011 10:18:56 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessofSadden

Princess has this habit of talking over me and interrupting me while we speak. I find this to be very annoying and disrespectful. I am most definitely her submissive but in day to day conversation i still expect to be able to get out a sentance or two before being run over... Any other submissive's have this?

Yes, I have this .....and I do it myself, too.

When either of us are trying to make a point we sometimes talk over each other depending on how passionate we are at the time.

The fact is, we have a relationship where HE gets to tell me off for talking over him, and I have to put up with being interrupted.....:)

If it was a constant day to day process where there wasn't any *protocol*, I'd just find it rude and inconsiderate.

As it is, HE has the floor because we DO have a protocol, if he's talking I ought to shut up, if I don't then I occasionally get told to.

We both know what we're like and it's more on the *Good LORD, WILL you HUSH?* level, than any bothersome level.

Also, if you NEVER get a chance to say what you want, then I can imagine that to be incredibly frustrating. It's easy enough for me to suffer having to shut up now and then because I get ample opportunity to talk to my heart's delight on a regular basis.

With my children, it's been pointed out to me that I do exactly what your Princess does. I certainly respect my children but THEY don't FEEL respected when I cut across them when they're talking. I think I'm making valid points and know if I don't say it right then, I'll probably forget and lose the thread of what I wanted to say.

Now, I just say, * Hang on a sec, Hold that thought...Could you remind me in a bit, that I want to mention *so and so**......and then they carry on.

Basically, we interrupt each other to say * I don't want to interrupt, but I'll lose my thread if I don't, so could you help me to shut up and NOT lose it*.....lol

Also, it holds far less of a sting to be interrupted , if the interrupter habitually says .. * You mentioned "so and so" ......could you explain or expand on that ie * I HEARD you and interrupted, but not because I don't give a crap about what you have to say.*

This communicating thing is slick, smooth and simple when all the planets are aligned..:)

agirl

(in reply to PrincessofSadden)

Post #: 21

RE: Respect And Conversation - 2/5/2011 10:29:34 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

My response is to shut up entirely. And not say anything until he asks why. At which time I point out that he made it clear he didn't care about listening to me so I was doing what he obviously wanted.

That wouldn't have been a response that'd be viewed well here by either me, the children or him. It'd be seen as a stunt. It'd be seen as a very poor way of making a point.

agirl

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 22

RE: Respect And Conversation - 2/5/2011 11:51:36 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessofSadden

Princess has this habit of talking over me and interrupting me while we speak. I find this to be very annoying and disrespectful. I am most definitely her submissive but in day to day conversation i still expect to be able to get out a sentance or two before being run over... Any other submissive's have this?

Greetings,

If the behavior mentioned was truly habitual it's likely that she displayed this early on. It's clear that you accepted it and didn't express your dismay. Otherwise the topic would not be coming to the forefront at present. But now it's a problem? Your answer was found in the body of the question. Did you expect her to change? Habits die hard or so I'm told.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to PrincessofSadden)

Post #: 23

RE: Respect And Conversation - 2/5/2011 2:46:01 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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My partner tends to talk over me at times and he doesn't like that he does it. He's usually very happy when we're together and excited about whatever we're discussing, plus he has ADD, so it's a thing that doesn't usually bother me unless I get interrupted over and over. By this point he usually sees what is going on and slows down enough to start listening on his end.

When I brought it up to him the first time I told him it wasn't very practical to ask me questions and then cut in on the answers if he expected to hear what I had to say, which obviously he did, or he'd not have asked me a question in the first place. In other words, I was informative, to the point, and not upset. Those things go a long way when you bring up something that is potentially upsetting to either one of you. My position being submissive, I consider that I have every right to bring something up, but the manner that I do it should be respectful and helpful rather than accusing.

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 24

RE: Respect And Conversation - 2/5/2011 3:30:56 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

Also, it holds far less of a sting to be interrupted , if the interrupter habitually says .. * You mentioned "so and so" ......could you explain or expand on that ie * I HEARD you and interrupted, but not because I don't give a crap about what you have to say.*

This communicating thing is slick, smooth and simple when all the planets are aligned..:)

agirl

Greetings agirl,

Your response was very well articulated and illustrates how a problem can be circumvented in a mutually satisfying way without unnecessary chaos ensuing. I really hope the op gives consideration to your suggestions. The voice of experience echoing is pretty hard to miss.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 25

RE: Respect And Conversation - 2/6/2011 10:14:20 AM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

My response is to shut up entirely. And not say anything until he asks why. At which time I point out that he made it clear he didn't care about listening to me so I was doing what he obviously wanted.

That wouldn't have been a response that'd be viewed well here by either me, the children or him. It'd be seen as a stunt. It'd be seen as a very poor way of making a point.

agirl

Yeah, it'd be seen as classic passive-aggression here and that's never cool...here....
luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 26

RE: Respect And Conversation - 2/6/2011 11:23:24 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessofSadden
Princess has this habit of talking over me and interrupting me while we speak. I find this to be very annoying and disrespectful. I am most definitely her submissive but in day to day conversation i still expect to be able to get out a sentance or two before being run over... Any other submissive's have this?

Yes. Carol has this problem with me. I told her to flag it when it happens and I'm working hard to be more sensitive to the problem. It's really hard to not do it for a wide variety of reasons and I expect this will be a life long challenge between us.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to PrincessofSadden)

Post #: 27

RE: Respect And Conversation - 2/6/2011 1:39:32 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
That wouldn't have been a response that'd be viewed well here by either me, the children or him. It'd be seen as a stunt. It'd be seen as a very poor way of making a point.

agirl

Not a stunt, a very pointed way of showing him that he hadn't allowed me to respond at all. As I said, it's only happened a couple of times in eight years and in very emotionally charged circumstances where not allowing me to be heard is going to cause a problem. It isn't a daily thing.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 28

RE: Respect And Conversation - 2/6/2011 5:54:00 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: PrincessofSadden
Princess has this habit of talking over me and interrupting me while we speak. I find this to be very annoying and disrespectful. I am most definitely her submissive but in day to day conversation i still expect to be able to get out a sentance or two before being run over... Any other submissive's have this?
Yes. Carol has this problem with me. I told her to flag it when it happens and I'm working hard to be more sensitive to the problem. It's really hard to not do it for a wide variety of reasons and I expect this will be a life long challenge between us.

There are worse challenges :)

agirl

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 29

RE: Respect And Conversation - 2/6/2011 6:09:30 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl
That wouldn't have been a response that'd be viewed well here by either me, the children or him. It'd be seen as a stunt. It'd be seen as a very poor way of making a point.

agirl

Not a stunt, a very pointed way of showing him that he hadn't allowed me to respond at all. As I said, it's only happened a couple of times in eight years and in very emotionally charged circumstances where not allowing me to be heard is going to cause a problem. It isn't a daily thing.

I was responding to your first comment which was a *present tense* one. All the same it'd be viewed as a *stunt*. It wouldn't go down well all. I certainly understand different strokes etc.....but that's just one that would leave ME looking like an arse.

I saw, much later, that you expanded on it. I see nothing wrong in what you did, even the first time I read it, I was commenting that it wouldn't be an accepted way of making a point HERE. It'd be viewed badly once, twice or thrice and would be seen as a *stunt* eg.making a point by behaving in a way that isn't acceptable under any other circumstances, even by the person making the point.

Here, this is described as a *stunt*.

agirl

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 30

RE: Respect And Conversation - 2/6/2011 6:28:48 PM

HisEvelyn

Posts: 252
Joined: 1/21/2010
Status: offline

Master and I definitely start talking over each other sometimes. We'll start talking at the same time, or respond to something we see at the same time. When we do this, what usually happens is we both stop talking as soon as we realize we're both talking. At that point, Master decides who continues and who waits to speak until the other is finished. Sometimes it's me who continues, sometimes it's him. Whichever makes more sense at the time.

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 31

RE: Respect And Conversation - 2/6/2011 6:41:08 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

Here, this is described as a *stunt*.

agirl

Possibly it is one. But if he shuts down communication especially in an emotionally charged situation where communication is critical, what else is there to do? If this is the only way I am able to say "You're deliberately not listening" then I will do it this way.

In fact, I'm supposed to do what ever is necessary to protect the relationship. Which upon occasion means showing him he's the one damaging it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 32

RE: Respect And Conversation - 2/6/2011 6:49:22 PM

SourandSweet

Posts: 66
Joined: 1/22/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

Here, this is described as a *stunt*.

agirl

Possibly it is one. But if he shuts down communication especially in an emotionally charged situation where communication is critical, what else is there to do? If this is the only way I am able to say "You're deliberately not listening" then I will do it this way.

In fact, I'm supposed to do what ever is necessary to protect the relationship. Which upon occasion means showing him he's the one damaging it.

Further to this, if a sub is having to throw 'stunts' in order to be heard is it her fault alone? No dom is perfect, no matter how much we convince ourselves otherwise. As mine once said - if I'm playing up alot then he has to look at what he's doing to cause me to do so. (Not that I was at the time, we were just doing that thing called communicating). In other words, before punishing me for such behaviour he'd consider why I was carrying out said behaviour and if he played any part in that.

:-)

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 33

RE: Respect And Conversation - 2/6/2011 6:56:17 PM

barelynangel

Posts: 6233
Status: offline

In our home my motivation would be taken into account. If i was doing it because i believed i controlled not only my voice but his -- it would be a punishable offense and seen as agirl's stunt. If i was trying to show displeasure in HIS behavior it would again be seen as a stunt. If i stopped talking simply because out of respect it would not be seen as a stunt. However, HE would know and i would know exactly which motivation was being used and why.

He would rather have me to tell him shut up a moment so i can finish my thought etc, than passive-aggressively attempt to manipulate him. The former would have been an honest reaction -- the latter a calculated action and that was never acceptable.

angel

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to SourandSweet)

Post #: 34

RE: Respect And Conversation - 2/6/2011 6:57:35 PM

barelynangel

Posts: 6233
Status: offline

In our home my motivation would be taken into account. If i was doing it because i believed i controlled not only my voice but his -- it would be a punishable offense and seen as agirl's stunt. If i was trying to show displeasure in HIS behavior it would again be seen as a stunt. If i stopped talking simply because out of respect it would not be seen as a stunt. However, HE would know and i would know exactly which motivation was being used and why.

He would rather have me to tell him shut up a moment so i can finish my thought etc, than passive-aggressively attempt to manipulate him. The former would have been an honest reaction -- the latter a calculated action and that was never acceptable.

angel

_____________________________

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson

(in reply to SourandSweet)

Post #: 35

RE: Respect And Conversation - 2/6/2011 7:24:34 PM

SourandSweet

Posts: 66
Joined: 1/22/2011
Status: offline

So - you're not allowed to be displeased with your doms behaviour? Fair enough, but it doesn't mean that's the only way.

My dom, for example, prefers me to speak my mind, tell him how I really feel. If I'm unhappy with something, we talk about it. He doesn't expect me to (and would hate me to) just swallow it and say nothing. I'm sure your relationship works for you, but personally if I had to 'shut up and put up' whenever he acted in a way that I was unhappy with I'd be out the door!

To stress: this isn't a criticism of your doms preferences - merely an expression of how mine is so different. It also does not mean that he will necessarily act on what I say or change his behaviours to suit me. But it does mean that he listens to me, I have a voice and it is always heard and seriously considered.

However, regarding the comment that the previous poster was carrying out some stunt I have to disagree. All relationships, whether d/s or vanilla are very different. If her dom considers it to be, not a stunt, but a way for her to express her natural frustration at being talked over then I see that as a very healthy thing as it works for them. But then I think all this passive aggressive stuff is a very american term. Further, I'm sure if her dom saw it as a stunt he would act as appropriate, and it isn't for us to say otherwise. Unless we're actually there at the time we do not see what is really happening.

Again, this is not an attack on your own dynamic, just my attempt to stress that you are not in hers.

:-)

(in reply to barelynangel)

Post #: 36

RE: Respect And Conversation - 2/6/2011 8:24:35 PM

TreasureKY

Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Stunt or not, sometimes you gotta do what is necessary to make an effective point.

(in reply to SourandSweet)

Post #: 37

RE: Respect And Conversation - 2/6/2011 8:57:27 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

My response is to shut up entirely. And not say anything until he asks why.

To that extent, I do the same. Then when he pauses, I ask him... May I continue now? Doesnt stop him from interrupting again. At which point I typically stop talking period. If he asks, I pretend I forgot. Which drives him nuts... lol

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 38

RE: Respect And Conversation - 2/6/2011 10:33:19 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SourandSweet

So - you're not allowed to be displeased with your doms behaviour? Fair enough, but it doesn't mean that's the only way.

My dom, for example, prefers me to speak my mind, tell him how I really feel. If I'm unhappy with something, we talk about it. He doesn't expect me to (and would hate me to) just swallow it and say nothing. I'm sure your relationship works for you, but personally if I had to 'shut up and put up' whenever he acted in a way that I was unhappy with I'd be out the door!

To stress: this isn't a criticism of your doms preferences - merely an expression of how mine is so different. It also does not mean that he will necessarily act on what I say or change his behaviours to suit me. But it does mean that he listens to me, I have a voice and it is always heard and seriously considered.

However, regarding the comment that the previous poster was carrying out some stunt I have to disagree. All relationships, whether d/s or vanilla are very different. If her dom considers it to be, not a stunt, but a way for her to express her natural frustration at being talked over then I see that as a very healthy thing as it works for them. But then I think all this passive aggressive stuff is a very american term. Further, I'm sure if her dom saw it as a stunt he would act as appropriate, and it isn't for us to say otherwise. Unless we're actually there at the time we do not see what is really happening.

Again, this is not an attack on your own dynamic, just my attempt to stress that you are not in hers.

:-)

I didn't say that Des was carrying out a *stunt*. Re-read what I said. I said it'd be SEEN as a STUNT here!....... What works for Des is what works, and what would fly here flies.

Neither she nor I are living remotely similar lives. Also, what would be viewed as a *stunt* in my little herb garden, means a very different thing in someone elses.

You seem to have spoken for even Des's bloke on the off chance.....now THAT's what I'd call presumptive..considering that Des has a very clear one of her own.

agirl

(in reply to SourandSweet)

Post #: 39

RE: Respect And Conversation - 2/6/2011 11:17:03 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TreasureKY

Stunt or not, sometimes you gotta do what is necessary to make an effective point.

There is a reason why he calls me "brat"... and he insists he wants me no other way.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to TreasureKY)

Post #: 40

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