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RE: Just been for a day out with my dad - 2/14/2011 5:44:07 PM

a1111

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: a1111
Like i said last time, this sites all about control just because it didnt get an erection wjhilst doing it doesnt mean its not related, dunno what your on about to be honest

It's not related unless you consider yourself in a consensual D/s dynamic with your father.

You need to

1. Listen to your therapist.
2. Move out (you're 28 years old for crying out loud).
3. Grow a pair.
4. Learn the difference between BDSM and your little boy issues between you and your Dad.

why dont you fuck off, i moved when i was 16

< Message edited by a1111 -- 2/14/2011 5:47:51 PM >

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RE: Just been for a day out with my dad - 2/14/2011 5:47:19 PM

a1111

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quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

By your own admission, when you lived away from home you had a different personality. You were more outgoing and happier.

Can you not see the connection between being in the dysfunctional environment of being home and with your parents and being anxious, depressed and repressed?

You claim you don't understand what the therapist means and that it is "confusing".
I don't think it really is as confusing as you are portraying.

Sometimes the awful is very comfortable and it doesn't seem so bad.
That does not change the reality of what it is.

You had an objective opinion by a very smart outsider.
You need to really look at why you are missing the connection.

I can half see it, i do find it confusing though, is ometimes lose the plot a bit when i try and work out what to do, dont know exactly how to make the connection 100%, i mean would moving away be that good? To me it feels like running away a little, not saying it always is but thats what it feels like

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RE: Just been for a day out with my dad - 2/14/2011 5:51:18 PM

VideoAdminTheta

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Let's keep this a friendly debate if there is a debate. No name calling and attacking one another please.

Thank you

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RE: Just been for a day out with my dad - 2/14/2011 5:54:29 PM

Jeffff

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In that case... I have nothing to add.

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RE: Just been for a day out with my dad - 2/14/2011 5:56:43 PM

a1111

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

The way to set a boundary is to state it in exactly the same way each time, don't discuss it, don't debate it, don't paraphrase. Just state "I will not allow you to verbally abuse me/order me about any longer. When you wish to communicate properly I will be happy to see you". Then hang up the phone or walk away. Next time he starts up you repeat the same sentence exactly and you do the proper action. You have to repeat the sentence word for word or it won't work.

He can't control you if you walk out. So if he starts telling you what to eat, you say this again and you walk out of the restaurant or the house. He does it on the phone, then you say that exact same sentence and you hang up. You walking out and hanging up is how you teach people to respect your boundaries. As long as you let him overstep them, he will. It is up to you to stop it by not submitting to it.

As far as people here all want to make others weaker? There's a lot you're missing. First is that good dominants don't, if you break your toy you can't play with it again. Second is that good dominants don't want to walk around making the bus conductor and the clerk in the grocery store submit. They only want to dominate someone they enjoy dominating who enjoys their domination. It's like sex. When you want to have it with someone it's wonderful, when you don't it is rape. The activity is second to the person consenting to it.

I suppose he can over power me, i feel i cant stop it, maybe cause hes always done that i dunooo but thats how it feels

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RE: Just been for a day out with my dad - 2/14/2011 6:02:57 PM

mummyman321

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You really have not given us enough information to be helpful to you at all. My suggestion would be to go back and talk to you therapist. The one who has all the details on your case history and he/she can make an informed postulation about your anxiety attack.

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RE: Just been for a day out with my dad - 2/14/2011 6:28:31 PM

angelikaJ

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You have 2 issues: one in which your mentally ill mother is domineering, and one in which your father is controlling.

I would contact the therapist and see under what conditions he would agree to continue seeing you.

As for whether to break away from them?
Sometimes people in our lives, family members included, are just toxic for us... and yes, we need time away from them.

Sometimes for awhile while we get away from them long enough to gain perspective while we work out our issues, and sometimes for good.

Something to remember: Parents are so very good at pushing our various buttons because, after all, they are the ones who installed them.
Children are also good at pushing the buttons of their parents, for the same reason.

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RE: Just been for a day out with my dad - 2/14/2011 6:38:53 PM

servantforuse

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When I was 28 we had 2 kids, one in school. I had already been with the same company for 7 years. I'm with Lady Pact. Cut the apron strings and grow up little boy.

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RE: Just been for a day out with my dad - 2/14/2011 6:42:17 PM

sirsholly

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~~FR~~

quote:

I suppose he can over power me, i feel i cant stop it, maybe cause hes always done that i dunooo but thats how it feels

You can stop it, but you have to grow up first, and i do not mean this in an insulting way.
What i am hearing is he has overpowered/overshadowed and belittled you for your entire life. As a young child you could not stop that level of intimidation, but you are not that young child any longer.

He will not stop his behavior because, quite frankly, you are enabling it by your tolerance. The change has to come from you.

quote:

my dad got a bit worked up over something and i felt like a anxiety attack after that, its took me till now about 4 hours later to calm down, i do feel hes controlling over me but i cant quite work it out or sort it out

My guess is your emotional state is much more anger than anxiety...and that anger is directed to yourself because you are permitting this man to have such a negative effect on you at this stage in your life.

Anger can destroy you, or it can be a powerful motavator to make a needed change. Perhaps you can use the anger to help you stand toe to toe, look him in the eye, and tell him you will not permit him to have this effect on you any longer.

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RE: Just been for a day out with my dad - 2/14/2011 6:56:17 PM

a1111

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thanks for the advice, i always thought id had a go at him for it but it never changed nothing and it went ont hat long i gave up the therpay, i think of it like theres got to be a point wrre u give up, ill give it another go though and hopefulyl sort it out

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RE: Just been for a day out with my dad - 2/14/2011 11:46:26 PM

Termyn8or

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a1, look here, there's only one way I know of.

It is a self realization, a form of maturation in a way. And it's a package deal.

You have to realize that nobody, no exception, can make you feel anything.

That statement stands alone and it's important to understand it properly. You make yourself feel. I can prove it. No cites or quotes, just my own words. The simplest form is the easiest. You are at a bar, some guy hits you. Well fuck him, of course you hit him back. How about getting kicked in the balls ? Say you got a baby on your lap in those big baby shoes. Your nuts have just been shoved into a black hole. In which case do you "feel" anger ?

The external influence was pain. In at least one case, that of a child accidentally causing you pain you have the self control to not feel anger. Why not in other situations ? My answer is that we do, but we must develop that control. Even when martial arts are taught correctly, one of the most important things is not to get angry. People who spar, all the way to the prizefighter, the contender, there is no anger. It clouds the mind.

In general you are in no physical threat, this is all in the mind. Of that there is no question. Now who controls your mind ? If you control your mind you don't feel anything unless you choose to. This approach may lead to the world showing a bit less luster, but that's reality. No more schoolboy crushes, lust for the most expensive status symbol. Part of one's competitive spirit does evaporate. But it ends the enslavement.

Just how much do you really care what others think of you ? I don't mean your morality so much, as just personally. Does this come down to a fear of rejection ? That's for you to answer.

Money sells, power sells, prestige sells, everything sells, but fear sells the best. Proof ? Even the powerful fear losing their power. That is their motivation to make you feel powerless.

They can't make you feel anything, only you can. Therefore they are powerless.

Period.

T^T

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RE: Just been for a day out with my dad - 2/15/2011 4:06:51 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

I'll give it a go, i just find there impossible people to have boundaries with, its like they won't allow it.

quote:

im not saying your wrong but i honestly dont find it possible, like i said to my therpaist when he whinges or snaps i feel drained of energy so they said create boundaries by saying something lik, when you do that ui feel uncomfortable, but that just causes a load of violence when i say that, i told my therpiast that and he said im not taking ti serious so refueed to treat me anymore, its confusing for me

When my father is offensive, I stop talking to him until I'm over it. He got the message after the two year silent treatment 10 years ago and has been on good behavior ever since. Of course, he's now 80, so that helps.

If you saying "When you do that I feel uncomfortable" creates a load of violence, you may wish to consider cutting these people from your life until they cease to be violent (which may be when they're dead.)

We don't chose our parents, but when we're adults, we can chose how much power we wish to give them.

[Deleted the part about living with your parents after I read the part about you having moved out when you were 16. I did too.]

< Message edited by kalikshama -- 2/15/2011 4:10:16 AM >

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RE: Just been for a day out with my dad - 2/15/2011 4:15:44 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

The way to set a boundary is to state it in exactly the same way each time, don't discuss it, don't debate it, don't paraphrase. Just state "I will not allow you to verbally abuse me/order me about any longer. When you wish to communicate properly I will be happy to see you". Then hang up the phone or walk away. Next time he starts up you repeat the same sentence exactly and you do the proper action. You have to repeat the sentence word for word or it won't work.

This is really excellent advice. This is what my friend does with her alcoholic father. It doesn't completely stop him from calling her and being abusive, but it empowers her and gives him less control over her. I think it has diminished the frequency of the abusive calls.

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RE: Just been for a day out with my dad - 2/15/2011 5:02:33 AM

tiggerspoohbear

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Been there, done that. The best advice I got was from the counselor I was seeing at the time. Set boundaries with my parents and stick to them. By then I was in my late 30's, early 40's and had moved out when I was 17. It finally took me moving 4 hrs away. The city where we'd lived just wasn't large enough for the 3 of us.

I'm now 48 and my dad still does it. I've had to "well-being" shows from the local police because I didn't answer the phone for 2 days. My dad makes it sound like I haven't called him in several days and I've had to make him understand that his panicking is making me anxious. He knows it's too much, but I also know it's done out of love and worry on his part.

I've learned to deal with it and try to reassure him, but he's 75 and he's not going to change on a dime. So i breathe deeply and have to let it go. It's not easy for me, and I know it's not easy for him but I'm a grown-up now, not the 17 yr old he still thinks I am. This is a hard lesson for him to learn, but he's slowly starting to understand.

He worries because I suffer from clinical depression and a host of disorders that go along with it. I'm still a daddy's girl but I also know I have to let him know when he says things I consider inappropriate. I hate to do it, but for my own sanity I have to tell him.

My mom used to know every button to push to make me feel guilty, and I had to learn to let go of that too. She had 40 yrs to set up those buttons. Guilt can be an awful motivator and I finally had to set even more severe boundaries with her. She's been gone for over 3 1/2 yrs now, and I miss her every day. I loved her, she was my mom, but that doesn't mean I had to like her. Cutting her out of my life was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but for my own sanity it was something I had to do. Once she became very ill, I was lucky enough to be there for the last 2 months of her life, spent my time back home helping out and once hospitalized, time was spent there between my dad and me every day and she was never alone. I'm thankful I had that time with her and got to settle some of our differences.

I wouldn't be who I am today without my parents upbringing. They did the best they could with trying to deal with problems I had that they didn't know how to handle. I always knew they loved me, of that there was no doubt. And I know how much my dad loves me now. He's become my rock, my cheering section, my support. There are still times when I want to run screaming, but we now work it out and are much more open with each other.

I wish you luck, I know how tough it is to grow up when they still think of you as a child. You have to learn to deal with them on your terms, not theirs. Not easy to do, but it is possible.

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RE: Just been for a day out with my dad - 2/15/2011 6:31:15 AM

DarkSteven

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly
My guess is your emotional state is much more anger than anxiety...and that anger is directed to yourself because you are permitting this man to have such a negative effect on you at this stage in your life.

Anger can destroy you, or it can be a powerful motavator to make a needed change. Perhaps you can use the anger to help you stand toe to toe, look him in the eye, and tell him you will not permit him to have this effect on you any longer.

Okay. holly picked up on this as well. You have anger issues, OP.

Your grandfather abused your father, and your father is abusing you. It's being passed down. You have a temper that is occasionally getting let out in your posts in this thread. That's telling.

Your father is controlling you through more than just HIS anger. He's controlling you through YOUR anger.

I suggest seeing if your therapist can help you with that.

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RE: Just been for a day out with my dad - 2/15/2011 10:41:08 AM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: a1111

I suppose he can over power me, i feel i cant stop it, maybe cause hes always done that i dunooo but thats how it feels

Are you saying he holds you down and prevents you from walking out the door? This is your life, it is your job to make it what you want it to be.

With that said, why did you move back home when you knew what would happen. At 28 adults commonly live on their own. It isn't running away, it's taking control of your life. Which is your responsibility and not his. You show him that you are able to take control of your life by doing it. Actions and not words.

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RE: Just been for a day out with my dad - 2/15/2011 6:56:01 PM

Hippiekinkster

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

In that case... I have nothing to add.

I do. I suggest that this kid forget about therapy, and find his way to Parris Island.

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