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when so you say enough? - 5/4/2006 8:26:59 AM   
understud


Posts: 102
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline 		i would like to ask if any subs...  or anyone else for that matter...have had to answer this question, and if so how did you handle it.  That i could ever find anyone to claim me is a dream i never though possible until now. So what's the problem then...exactly...now that it has happened ; i find i see with new eyes...so much willingness on my part, i don't trust myself to know when i might have to say ...no more, this just isn't working...that i want to please is a given, but that's what i see as a danger as well, fearing rejection i might place my body or mind...and contrary to popular belief i do have one...at risk...I trust my Domme implicitly, So what is the problem...everyone is only human...fear still nags at my soul.  ...the what if's are are attacking my conviction and resolve...i believe this is just a stage i'm going through and will pass as we bond and grow more comfortable with the other.  But what if it is a mistake, they do happen...will my natural leanings to serve and please blind me to the fact it might not be the right pairing.  Right now i would follow Her to the ends of he earth.....without question, without hesitation...but what if it just isn't right...i don't believe this is the case...i feel i'm just going through an adjustment period...so i ask those who do know better...are these questions just a natural development of my spirit as i submit to the One.  Should i ask to speak with Her about these inner doubts...i think i know the answer, but sometimes i need to hear it from others...i'm so scared of being seen as rebellious, or worse...so how did any of you handle this, or did you even have these feelings...any input would be appreciated...totally  submissive and always respectful understud...

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If you don't love and respect yourself; how the hell can you love and respect anyone else
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RE: when so you say enough? - 5/4/2006 8:45:34 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		The first time you give of yourself it can be overwhelming, especially if you are also experiencing endorphins that are rushing through your brain at the same time. If you are having endorphin rushes to your brain that you are unaccustomed to this can cause a change in brain chemistry that may make you feel slightly imbalanced. If that is the case remember things will right themselves soon enough in your head....

Other than that, no matter how much faith and belief you have in another human being you are still a human being yourself. You question things, this is normal. Even the most devout religious person doubts there is a God at times. It is normal to have these feelings. Feelings are always ok, it is what we do with them that matters. Acknowledge your feelings, talk about them with your One, and get them out in the open. Posting here was the first step in making sense of what you feel, now do not bury it, but explore it! That is the beauty of BDSM, the exploration into self.

But who knows, I may not know what I am talking about....smiles

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: when so you say enough? - 5/4/2006 9:28:37 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		The problem with risk is if you take it, it can backfire and come back and bite you in the ass and if you don't, you miss opportunties. Would you rather regret the things you have done or the things you have left undone? There are no guarentees so if you are looking for one you won't find it, but the possibilities are tremendous. As they say expect the worst but hope for the best. Talking to her is a good thing. She may be having doubts as well and sometimes just knowing the other person is in the same place as you can help. Everything you are feeling is, as julia said, quite normal.. and that's true for any sort of relationship. Vanillas getting married go through the same thing when they are about to make a vow for life. You just have to decide whether or not the risk is worth the reward and be prepared.

I wish you the very best of luck and hope things work out to match your dreams because that does happen. If I hadn't take a few risks, I wouldn't have gotten to spend the last 10 years with the most amazing man I've ever had the opportunity to meet.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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RE: when so you say enough? - 5/4/2006 9:35:27 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Well your profile says you were taken as of May 2 and today is the 4th--hmm maybe not enough  time yet to work out the "kinks" ( play on words there)--but I am firm believer that communications MUST be open throughout the relationship especially in the beginning--you should be sharing these thoughts with Mistress, that is why I am such a firm believer in journals, is allows you B/both to address things that may be hard for you.

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SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


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RE: when so you say enough? - 5/4/2006 2:23:35 PM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		understud,

There is no perfect fit answer for your question.  You have to take it one day at a time and see what is happening.  Fears are one thing, destruction is another.

Right now, if there is nothing happening to make you unhappy or which is actually eating away at the foundation of who you are both as a person and as a submissive, I would say.. chill. 

However, no matter how much you may love and want to please a person, sometimes the dynamics of the relationship can morph into things that are very detrimental to you, on many levels.

I would say this.. trust yourself, you will know. Look for signs.. are you changing, fundamentally changing from a person you knew yourself to be into someone... you don't like as a person?  Do people who know and care about you, outside of your relationship have serious concern for you, by what they see (or even don't see), by what they see you becoming, or by the state of your mental and physical health and well being? Beyond the direct bliss of serving the one you love, are you alloted any happiness?  Are you happy?  On any level, do you feel parts of yourself, the good parts, dying away?  If you ask for help/guidance/support for things you can not handle on your own from your Dom/me, do you get it or do you get punished/chastised/mocked/reviled, etc?

Only you can judge when you have to say enough... it is when, even though your love for that person is as strong as it can be, you feel destruction of self corroding you.  Eventually you will degenerate into someone who they don't like, as much as you don't, and then for sure, you will be on the way out anyway,  probably with a lot more damage done to both parties.

< Message edited by puella -- 5/4/2006 2:25:47 PM >

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RE: when so you say enough? - 5/4/2006 5:59:02 PM   
understud


Posts: 102
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline 		 I appreciate the replies, all sound advice, so i will take it and try not to muck this up.  My One has done nothing but be supportive and understanding.  My problem is i have no base of experience to draw on and tell me all is well...i should realize it, but have fears and uncertainties...it is a matter of trust...so i am going to trust and follow the other suggestions. i guess this stuff is pretty boring, and i hope you forgive me my inexperience.  i was joined in the vinillia life, with disastrous results...but that part of me is no more, gone and never shall be resurrected as a acceptable way of life...i want something i feel is better, something i feel drawn too, and this is it...in spades...the emotions and feelings are very compelling and unrelenting...making it difficult to sleep at times...i want everything to happen now...Thankfully my Mistress had a firmer grip on my spirit than i do and is proceeding slowly...i am scared, no doubt but will do this and again thanks so much...you people are a lot more compassionate than some believe. or others want to believe...so i believe i will take your advice to heart...bitoftrouble believe said, no guarantees....how true, and i realize anything worth having is a risk, but i believe one worth taking...so thanks...i promise not to be such a pain in the...well just a little maybe...lol and lots and lots of smiles..to the nicest people i know...no lie, you should meet my neighbors...wheeuh...

_____________________________

If you don't love and respect yourself; how the hell can you love and respect anyone else

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RE: when so you say enough? - 5/4/2006 6:10:15 PM   
JassWolf


Posts: 59
Joined: 4/10/2006
Status: offline 		You're wise to speak of trust, but you don't mention the trust you have in her .... You say she is supportive and understanding; perhaps you need to trust her in this question as in all things to do what is best for you. If that trust erodes, perhaps that will answer your question of what needs to be done ... though I hope it never happens that way for you.

Perhaps you are too hasty, too, to say that the vanilla in you "is no more." Most of us here are quick to admit that vanilla activity and feelings play a part in us and in our kinky relationships (a number of threads bring this up, and you'll run onto them as you read). I mention it because I sense you are so eager you may be trying too hard when you need to relax and let her lead you.

Best wishes. JW

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RE: when so you say enough? - 5/4/2006 9:12:16 PM   
understud


Posts: 102
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline 		JASSWOLF; that is most of it, just too blamed eager and i had thought i did mention my trust in her, but then maybe i didn't.  I do believe i trust her, or want too trust her. My other relationships were very painful. All of then led to eventual breakups, and none lasted more than five years. That i am eager to please is a understatement...so again yes you are right, and i am really at a loss on how to control it.
i can sit and plan and decide to act differently but once in Her presence, everything is out of the door and i find myself behaving like a brainless fool, hopelessly in love and wanting the feelings to never end.  i'm still way up there on cloud nine, i know eventually i will come down to earth, but just want Her there when i do. i can't imagine, even now, what tomorrow might be like without my hope that toady i will get to see Her again She has told me She understands and  too go slow and that everything will be fine...it's not Her, it's me, i'm just too inpatient. there i admit it, and selfish too, i need her, desperately need her. and so want his to work. i shall bring this up with her again, and i believe She will understand and make me  settle down...it's just so damn hard to slow down...In the straight life, married, it was hell...i wanted her to take charge and she wouldn't the discord was very ugly.  Maybe i said it too harshly, but i really believe, in this, there is little i could want from the vanilla side in my personal life ...in the way a meaningful relationship...social life, was a series of vicious knife fights with everyone trying to outmaneuver the other.  Insults, mind games and outright lies, told and retold finally sickened me of that way.  i probably am still more of vanilla than i want to believe; but i take no pride in the fact.  See your helping me already, forcing me to reexamine my beliefs...i can change and learn, so i think that's a good thing...i hope it's enough though, i'm going to make some real beauties of mistakes, but i'll try harder no to repeat them. I will let her lead, if one thing i am not it's a leader, and i know it...just nervous i guess.  that's why i appreciate the replies it give me a chance to settle down and try and think clearly...for me, no small chore...no joke, i can leap to conclusions fast and realize it..i try to learn though...Yes, i do trust her, and i really have no reason not too, just nerves, and afraid of being rejected yet again; if i drank, i would get a shot of scotch and go to bed, but i don't. Better quit bitching and practice patients....Thank you and everyone...patients, not an easy lesson to learn...i will try though, ...

_____________________________

If you don't love and respect yourself; how the hell can you love and respect anyone else

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RE: when so you say enough? - 5/4/2006 11:29:33 PM   
LaMalinche


Posts: 2077
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline 		Kink or Vanilla. . . sometimes relationships just do not work.  Sometimes they were just not meant to be. . . and sometimes we grow apart or just change and so that relationship just cannt give us what it used to.  It is a part of life.

Kink or Vanilla. . . sometimes relationships do work.  Sometimes they were meant to be. . . and sometimes we continue to grow closer togeather and our individual changes allow us to gain more and more from a relationship.  It is a part of life.

Take a breath.  Now. . . take another one.  Okay. . . one more.

It sounds to me as if you fear the unknown, you do not know in which way this relationship will go.  Well, you can end it now and never know, or you can take the opportunity to stick with it and find out.  It may end up being option one, however you still will have gained knowledge and a life experiance from it.  It is easier to quit. . . but it is less personally rewarding in the long run.

This is your decision to make.  Good luck.

Best,

LaMalinche

When you give each other everything, it becomes an even trade. Each wins all.


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RE: when so you say enough? - 5/5/2006 12:15:22 AM   
understud


Posts: 102
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline 		In reply to LaMalinche
_______________________________________________
one one thousand...deep berath...two one thousand ...deep breath...three one thousand very very deep breath...Yes that's it exactly i fear the unknowable and bitch because i  can't see into the future...Who do i think i am? god the realization is sobering...i can get emotional at times...i will take a chance, as you said; even if it doesn't work in the long run, there is still a positive side. i've quit enough in the past, that leave a very bitter taste. All nice and safe and bitter, unfulfilled and empty. time for his sub to locate his backbone, i know i had one at some time...might as well try and find my guts as well, they must be lying around somewhere.
thank you LaMalinche. i said i wanted to change and the first thing i do is slip back into old thought patterns when i have the opportunity to change.   Well, not this time damn it, not this time.
i will stick it out...ooops bad choice of words...i mean just settle down and see what develops.  i guess the real changes are going to be made in my mind, not so easy to get a grip on ...(smiles)... but i will try...again thanks now let me practice my deep breathing exercises....one one thou....respectfully and beginning to understand...understud

_____________________________

If you don't love and respect yourself; how the hell can you love and respect anyone else

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RE: when so you say enough? - 5/5/2006 6:19:47 PM   
mons


Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		greetings

All of you are so kind to ansswer and help him
this is why i do love being on here at colllarme.
I think you all have given him answering and i do hope
he will listen he sound so scare and frighten of what he has beome
or i may have read it wrong? but that is what it sound like to
me.

your great for helping all of

mons/jane i will reread his posts and answer too later

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RE: when so you say enough? - 5/5/2006 7:10:14 PM   
LaMalinche


Posts: 2077
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline 		Happy to help, and I am glad to hear that you are feeling better.

Best,

LaMalinche


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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: when so you say enough? - 5/5/2006 7:14:55 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

Well your profile says you were taken as of May 2 and today is the 4th--hmm maybe not enough  time yet to work out the "kinks" ( play on words there)--but I am firm believer that communications MUST be open throughout the relationship especially in the beginning--you should be sharing these thoughts with Mistress, that is why I am such a firm believer in journals, is allows you B/both to address things that may be hard for you.


Sounds like a case of sub drop to me. 2 days and the fear is setting in...you need to be talking with her.

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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: when so you say enough? - 5/5/2006 8:59:32 PM   
understud


Posts: 102
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline 		in reply to MOOH314
______________________________________________________
 
i think i  understand what you mean...my fear is not doing the right thing...She had told me not to worry, yet i worry...i don't fear what i wish to do, i do fear doing it inappropriately ...to give offence where none was intended...if that made sense...i will ask to speak with her...sub drop...do you mean second thoughts about being submissive...i don't think so; but if you have no real background misunderstandings are bound to crop up. i don't make good decisions and realize i would be better off with someone guiding and directing me. of that much i/m certain.  if they will lead i will follow.  So then is it my inexperience or just plain unwillingness to fully place my self in the hands of another...
two days, not counting the time i followed her on line and read ... is a short span...i don't know how to say this...i feel it's right, more than that i know it's right...i think i'm doing what i did throughout my life' when i had a good thing going...sabotage it ...scared of success is what they told me...unable to deal with victory of recognition.  a total failure...so yea, i'm very concerned about screwing this up.  it's not infatuation, i've been there...it's not puppy love, been there and done that...this goes way deeper. the time span be damned... i was married several times, never felt the way i do about them as i do Her...and more than that i would be happy just to serve Her, if it went no further than that, just to be around Her and in Her presence...i don't know how to say it more clearly...just to be some part of Her life, no matter how small...i guess i have lost my marbles after all...but what the hey,
i can still believe...if i only didn't feel so awkward...only experience will cure that. so for now i listen and try to take your advice...thanks for caring enough to reply...

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If you don't love and respect yourself; how the hell can you love and respect anyone else

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RE: when so you say enough? - 5/5/2006 9:46:47 PM   
understud


Posts: 102
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline 		thank you for replying...i have tried to say what i feel, no easy task even when relaxed and in a warm loving atmosphere...let me try this okay: i try to read and reply to all the post i can and if i find the advice sound take it.  now let me walk through this with you, and please be patient with me ...Saw a advertisement on CM...Wham bam KA ching...bells rang lights flashed and i knew, i just knew, everything inside of me said this is right. TWO. the first -mail was a validation of my first impression, the style of writing, the wording the friendliness of the message spoke volumes. Three the first phone conversation.....i had no doubts; i am inexperienced in this life style but am no virgin by any stretch of the imagination... the tonal inflections the annunciation the very sound of Her voice only re enforced my belief....i was as a loss as to how to proceed...my past was strewn with very unpleasant memories and i have enough presence of mind to realize this is no passing whim...in what ever capacity She will have me i will gladly serve..then why do i worry...my past...i cant seem to accept a victory of any sort. i continually ripped defeat from the jaws of success my whole life...my vastly overpaid counselors finally came to the conclusion i was self defeating in that success frightened me...well duha...so much for modern medical science,
eh what...not to mention sucking my bank accounts dry to reach this brilliant diagnosis. they gave no practical method for overcoming it....urge to kill time here...lol...So my eventual decision to just turn it over to someone i could trust and here i am. i can't explain how i feel towards her as i have no other words other than this is right...i have experienced all types of infatuations thrill romances, the forbidden fruit and the like...this is so far above that it's unexplainable...i just don't want to mess this up like most of my life...so i scared....i will as advised ask to talk and get it out, not that i don't want to trust, i think i do, i'm just so afraid of anything screwing this up...i hope i'm making sense...seem to short on that lately...well that really about all there is...i know i will never encounter another such as Her, and i am certain there are others here who have had similar encounters...you are right about the people though they do care...so i listen again thanks for replying....
 
respectfully understud.....
 

_____________________________

If you don't love and respect yourself; how the hell can you love and respect anyone else

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RE: when so you say enough? - 5/5/2006 10:05:41 PM   
LaMalinche


Posts: 2077
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline 		To use fear as the friend it is, we must retrain and reprogram ourselves...We must persistently and convincingly tell ourselves that the fear is here--with its gift of energy and heightened awareness--so we can do our best and learn the most in the new situation.


Best,

LaMalinche


(in reply to understud)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: when so you say enough? - 5/5/2006 10:41:19 PM   
understud


Posts: 102
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline 		so far all have done is try, with pathetic results. fear does warn though and alerts you to possible danger, yet if all you have ever know is fear in the most BASIC and negative sense...i feel DOOMED...i will tell myself daily that it is my friend though as you have suggested, but i won't lie i don't know if i can do this convincingly, it's one thing to say it, quite another to believe it..so then how do convince myself i really believe it....some what befuddled but always respectful understud...curious and waiting...


_____________________________

If you don't love and respect yourself; how the hell can you love and respect anyone else

(in reply to LaMalinche)
Profile   Post #: 17
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