Is it a loneliness ploy?

Is it a loneliness ploy? (Full Version)

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MHOO314 -> Is it a loneliness ploy? (5/5/2006 8:39:39 AM)
This is really addressed to the over 40 something male submissives, but I am sure as always, there will be spirited thoughts from many venues. I was conversing last night with a friend who has wrestled with his submission for over a year now---last night he opened up a lot of himself--without intimate details, I have tried to capture the gist below-- He is an over 45 something--who is alone--talented, bright, a failed marriage eons ago--and the last parent deceased a year ago now--he has an active athletic life--but he is faced with his now "looming mortality" and the fact that he is alone--so he has surrounded himself with women--women who will gladly accept his offer for lunch or dinner, accept his extravagant gifts--but who are otherwise meaningless and he is meaningless to them--they don't remember his birthday, don't say thank you and well you get the picture--(no sexual intimacy by choice either)--he has wrestled with his submission for a year now--mostly centered around his cock and its mind of its own--in the conversation last night, he mentioned and opened up about his extreme loneliness and a statement: " I think men my age seek submission as a means to avoid loneliness--as a ploy to have some kind of female companionship, its the latest "line" ". Thoughts?

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Is it a loneliness ploy? (5/5/2006 8:46:11 AM)
Most commonly called the "mid-life crisis" it occurs in both men and women- when their initial relationships fail, when they've reached all the main points of the grown-up world and wonder how to fill that void and what to do now, when they've got the time and money to do stuff other than just work to live...they amazingly go online and find this whole world which somehow makes everything perfect and awesome! People use bdsm/D/s relationships as a hole-filler all the time, this is nothing new or surprising. Plenty of dominants and submissives of all backgrounds and orientations are just out there using this as an escape for themselves. That doesn't necessarily mean they are NOT submissives or dominants either...just that they aren't getting into relationships for the right reasons. Since everyone with this guy knows the score, then it works out great. D/s is just another outlet...if he hadn't found that, he would have done the same thing and called it something else. I often amusingly refer to myself as my partners "mid-life crisis" but I'm hoping it lasts forever.

CrappyDom -> RE: Is it a loneliness ploy? (5/5/2006 9:02:03 AM)
S&M offers the promise of deep emotional attachement. Like all promises, some are better than others. People try and draw this wall between what they do in vanilla relationships and what they do in D/s ones and I don't believe they are really all that different at their core. This guy has picked women who have no emotional attachment to him. This guy wants to pick a Mistress who has no emotional attachment to him (the classic Bitch Domme). Gee no patterns there! Until the guy can figure out why he picks those women in vanilla life, he isn't going to know what to look for in a D/s one. On of the hardest lessons for me to learn (or perhaps better to say "begin to observe/notice/spot) was that things we attribute to others come from inside us. We meet lots of women and pursue a few, why those few? He doesn't want sex with them, that seems to be a rather crucial issue, why not? Again, what is the driving motive behind that, not the casual lie we tell ourselves, but what is the deeper meaning of why? Does he feel he doesn't deserve it, does he really prefer men, does he feel guilt around sex, what? As for loneliness, I think it brings many if not a majority of people into S&M.

RapturesDaddy -> RE: Is it a loneliness ploy? (5/5/2006 9:03:44 AM)
Mid life crisis perhaps? I dread the day I break 40 and am faced with the stereotype. Then again I am 32 and drive a "small penis car" and am sometimes as self destructive as I was at 18. Something I could never do myself is submit, though. It is against the very grain of my nature. That being said, lonliness is something I have felt the brunt of more than once. It is easy for a man to feed off the intentions of women who "don't give a shit" when they are in this state. Perhaps he does not know what he wants.

MHOO314 -> RE: Is it a loneliness ploy? (5/5/2006 9:19:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CrappyDom Until the guy can figure out why he picks those women in vanilla life, he isn't going to know what to look for in a D/s one. On of the hardest lessons for me to learn (or perhaps better to say "begin to observe/notice/spot) was that things we attribute to others come from inside us. As for loneliness, I think it brings many if not a majority of people into S&M. I don't always agree with your postings CD, but THIS one was very very deep and insightful---the most naked we are, is when we stand and face the who that is in the mirror---and that is My point too---until one can face themselves, point the finger inward, they can not expect to develop the relationship(s) they hope to have outward. All else is a transitory elusion.

CrappyDom -> RE: Is it a loneliness ploy? (5/5/2006 10:03:11 AM)
Yeah but you READ all my posts! (stolen and badly reworded from Johny Depp) Of all the pains, pleasures, learning and growth experiences I have had in my exploration of S&M, learning to look inward for the answers was both the hardest to learn and the most rewarding and would be the one I was least willing to give up.

Kidless -> RE: Is it a loneliness ploy? (5/5/2006 10:14:09 AM)
Loniliness is only eased by sharing things with other people, that light your fires in too many different ways to count. Not just one.

MHOO314 -> RE: Is it a loneliness ploy? (5/5/2006 10:23:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CrappyDom Yeah but you READ all my posts! I do indeed!

fastlane -> RE: Is it a loneliness ploy? (5/5/2006 10:36:17 AM)
Dayum MH.....had you inserted Dom, in place of sub, on your post here.....I'd swear you were talking about me. Hmmmmm, fastlane ponders for a moment. Hey, you were, weren't you? Oh well, lonliness is just a state of mind where you don't have to pay taxes. Onward, Onward, Kevin

WeeIttyBitty -> RE: Is it a loneliness ploy? (5/5/2006 10:52:36 AM)
As a ploy or a 'line' being the male sub, is a tough act. Sexual domination inst a normal sexual behavior for most women. They've only seen a few stereotypical references in the mass media, and thus maybe uninterested, intimidated or freaked out, by the possibilities such play offers them. Thus, a hetero sub male, has a very small minority of prospective mates that maybe of interest to him, and these women get flooded with interest, thus they're able to pick thru and be very selective about the men they wish to meet with. So unless a sub male is able to pay tributes or present himself as an especially talented or prosperous sub, then the odds are stacked against him.

WeeIttyBitty -> RE: Is it a loneliness ploy? (5/5/2006 11:30:39 AM)
Maybe its the uncertain times in which we now live, but in the past month or so, I too have been intensely painfully lonely. As someone who has spent most of his adult life alone. it was certainly unusual for me to suddenly feel lonely for no apparent reason... Maybe this spring has stired my spirits more than in other years...

RavenMuse -> RE: Is it a loneliness ploy? (5/5/2006 11:38:14 AM)
I must admit that when I have heard some of the tales Domme friends tell about experiences they have had with sub males that thought has often crossed my mind, often I see little in the way of real submission in their actions, manner or attitude. Of course there are noteable exceptions here and there. Of all the groups involved with D/s, sub male is the mindset I admit to understanding the least, at least with the lovely submissive young ladys I have 25 years of experience and examples of my own dealings with them to fall back on, but Your friend could well be right about a great number of sub males!

obis -> RE: Is it a loneliness ploy? (5/5/2006 4:14:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross People use bdsm/D/s relationships as a hole-filler all the time I can't help but imagine that said in a Groucho Marx voice...

Lashra -> RE: Is it a loneliness ploy? (5/5/2006 5:13:15 PM)
It could be that when he was younger that he felt uncomfortable being submissive. Let's face it alot of women are scared off by a submissive males, they don't see the beauty in them that we Domme's do. Also dominant males sometimes give them a hard time. That is enough to keep alot of men pretending to be dominant until one day they tire of pretending. It could be midlife crisis it might not be, hard to say. But at least he had a good friend to talk to[:)] ~Lashra

LadyHugs -> RE: Is it a loneliness ploy? (5/5/2006 9:10:56 PM)
Dear MH00314, Ladies and Gentlemen; You can be lonely in a crowded room. There is a difference in being lonely and a period of grief/mourning. Similar and often depression is the situation. If a blank -- hollow and lonely; nobody will stick around --as they're most likely just as lonely themselves. Lonely people draw to cheerful and those who have the ability to draw a small clutch of people. By submitting to another, it diverts the lonely heart into someplace to invest more safely, as communication is more likely and submissives are listened to, as limits and other negotiations are required. Respectfully submitted, Lady Hugs

Theo23 -> RE: Is it a loneliness ploy? (5/5/2006 9:45:13 PM)
My thoughts, The source of submission within an individual is somthing thats frequently difficult to put a finger on, it's probably impossible to do so for an entire age group. It varries on an indivual basis and think its likely some people never realise the source or just chalk it up as "Just part of who they are" and avoid thinking about it. Personally, submission cuases loneliness and not vice versa. I dont feel lonley often, but, as I pass up dates, ignore the looks from a pretty girl across the bar and go home alone, I take comfort in knowing that when I find the right woman it will have been worth it. I'm not sure if the women your friend is seeing are proffesional's or if hes playing the sugardaddy role, or perhaps just in very casual relationships? It seems to me though, that any of those would breed more lonliness then meeting a vanilla woman whom is genuinly interested in him, and thats typically much easier to find then the right Dom/Domme. I certainly cant speak for anyone else, but from my point of view its difficult to see a male choosing to be submissive to avoid lonliness. He should take heart though, it sounds as though he has a great friend in you MHOO314.

cacodylic -> RE: Is it a loneliness ploy? (5/5/2006 10:17:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RapturesDaddy Mid life crisis perhaps? I dread the day I break 40 and am faced with the stereotype. More and more it seems to me that my failed D/s relationship in 2005 was a "last gasp" [and with no breathplay involved]. Of course, maybe being 60 and having COPD is distorting my perspective. LOL

ElectraGlide -> RE: Is it a loneliness ploy? (5/5/2006 10:21:07 PM)
Mid life crisis in your 40s ? No way here I have an empty nest now the kids are grown I am happlily divorced get you some hobbies and a Harley. Life is fun.

WeeIttyBitty -> RE: Is it a loneliness ploy? (5/5/2006 10:26:06 PM)
If he's trying a line or a ploy to get girls. I think "Iam stinkin rich and have a bad heart" would work better.

mathiasdomm -> RE: Is it a loneliness ploy? (5/7/2006 7:08:09 AM)
I saw a couple of comments on here to the tune of "you know, this has just been a lonely year/season." I was thinking that it was just me. Hurricane Katrina survivor, college senior. Just figured it'd be a rough year until I transitioned into something else. Maybe it's more universal. Maybe there's something in the culture that's pushing in that direction. Or maybe four guys having a bad year all happened to be in the same bar at the same time. -m

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