RE: Monogamous to Poly?? (Full Version)

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stellauk -> RE: Monogamous to Poly?? (3/9/2011 12:24:54 AM)

I'm so happy for you OP, both of you. Thanks for coming back and sharing that update. Keep it up and fingers crossed.



DesFIP -> RE: Monogamous to Poly?? (3/9/2011 5:53:53 AM)

Good luck.

Something you may need to keep in mind is that now that he's got a taste of being topped, he could easily become obsessed with it. Sub frenzy. You need to set up communication so that you don't feel resentful that you're always the one topping, never getting your needs met.



LillyBoPeep -> RE: Monogamous to Poly?? (3/9/2011 9:45:00 AM)

good to see the update. ^_^ i'm glad you guys are on the road to a workable solution
DesFIP has a really good point -- if service topping is now going to be part of your dynamic, it'll be important to work out how this relates to each of your sets of needs, and how to make sure you're both fulfilled and happy.



babygurlangel -> RE: Monogamous to Poly?? (3/10/2011 1:09:41 AM)

Well, since that night we have went back to him being Dominant with the understanding that if he feels submissive he should tell me so I will know what mood he is in and to treat him accordingly. So, he doesn't have sub frenzy but we also didn't do it for a long period of time.. it was just for the sexual side of things that night. I do appreciate your advice and input.



OsideGirl -> RE: Monogamous to Poly?? (3/10/2011 7:24:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming


You moved there to be with him less than a year ago,
If you've been together less than a year, I'm guessing he wasn't honest with you (or maybe himself) about what he wanted in a relationship. This isn't something that popped up in the last week and he vocalized it right away. It's been bubbling in his brain for quite awhile before he dared to say anything.



babygurlangel -> RE: Monogamous to Poly?? (3/10/2011 5:45:58 PM)

We have been in a relationship for over a year.. I haven't lived her with him for a year yet but in another month it will be a year.. He has always been honest with me.. he is different than most people I have been with he shuts down sometimes and its hard as hell to get him to open up and talk.. but from what his family says he has always been this way even with he was a little kid sooo I know its just how HE is, so its not that he wasn't honest he just has a hard time saying whats bothering him and him feeling sub I would say was bothering him because he views the role of the man to be Dominant.



NocturnalStalker -> RE: Monogamous to Poly?? (3/10/2011 6:35:17 PM)

So he's basically a woman?



OsideGirl -> RE: Monogamous to Poly?? (3/10/2011 6:45:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: babygurlangel
so its not that he wasn't honest he just has a hard time saying whats bothering him
What you're saying is that he knew he had these feelings, but it bothered him, so he didn't say anything and decided to get into a monogamous Dom/sub relationship anyway. Dishonesty by omission is still dishonesty.




babygurlangel -> RE: Monogamous to Poly?? (3/10/2011 9:00:20 PM)

I don't know if he knew about them or not, before we got together he had only been in one D/s relationship and it was only for 1 month.. he is still new to this and so am I, so we are both still learning and growing. I am trying to get him to open up more and talk about his feelings and what he wants but its still hard to change 30 years of behavior. I personally don't feel he has been dishonest with me I think he still doesn't know exactly all he wants, and he is trying to figure it out and when I flipped out this time its made him clam up again and not want to share.. He is different than any man I have ever been with so its a steep learning curve with him.



darkenchantment -> RE: Monogamous to Poly?? (3/11/2011 1:05:16 PM)

The important thing is that you seem to have strong, positive feelings for each other. If you're both fairly new to the practice of a live in bdsm relationship, it is going to take time and discussion to get everything to work smoothly between you. If he finds that difficult - him and the rest of the male sex! - then you might have to oil the wheels of communication a little. Maybe a communication book in which you jot down random thoughts and feelings as they occur, to be discussesd at an appropriate point during the week? Even if you're the one who does most - or all! - of the jottings, starting up a regular talk session between you on aspects of the bdsm in your relarionship may help him to open up more too. And bear in mind that its not un-sublike/slavelike for you to seek to anticipate his needs; so feel free to ask on occasions if he is feeling in need of anything 'special' this evening.....! and of course, nor should it be impossible for you to tell him if you want something a little out of the ordinary. These relationships are not carven in stone; we should make opportunity in there somewhere to discuss our feelings, needs and desires. Otherwise, what use are we to one another?

And it is quite acceptable for a dom/me to desire their sub/slave to act as dom/me for them on occasion! It isn't unmanly nor undomly! After all, the dom/me sets the parameters within which their sub is allowed to act.

All best wishes to both of you, and well done for getting the discussion which needed to be done, started.



Arpig -> RE: Monogamous to Poly?? (3/11/2011 3:52:12 PM)

Kick the bum to the curb and go out and find a guy who wants the same things you do.



OsideGirl -> RE: Monogamous to Poly?? (3/11/2011 6:26:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: babygurlangel

I don't know if he knew about them or not, before we got together he had only been in one D/s relationship and it was only for 1 month.. he is still new to this and so am I, so we are both still learning and growing. I am trying to get him to open up more and talk about his feelings and what he wants but its still hard to change 30 years of behavior. I personally don't feel he has been dishonest with me I think he still doesn't know exactly all he wants, and he is trying to figure it out and when I flipped out this time its made him clam up again and not want to share.. He is different than any man I have ever been with so its a steep learning curve with him.


Here's the crux of the matter: he has now brought in something that changed the foundation of your relationship. You're just patting him on the head and allowing him to hide behind the "it makes me uncomfortable" mask. It was dishonest. That doesn't make him a horrible person. I'm not saying kick him to the curb, the whole thing is shit. What it makes is a situation where the two of you are going to have to really work on your communication or it's going to be an ongoing issue in your relationship. Accept the flaw and move on, but you're not, you're glossing it over with platitudes.

If a guy went into a hetero relationship, with the thought that he might be gay, what would you think? It's not all that different.



babygurlangel -> RE: Monogamous to Poly?? (3/11/2011 7:26:58 PM)

I am not glossing over it, I am trying to get him to work on his communication. But as I said 30 years of a habit is very hard to change.

As for those telling me to move on... I am not going to just up and leave over a little blip in our relationship.. and its not a matter of me kicking him to the curb its a matter if I want to up and leave.. I am not giving up on this relationship for one issue esspecially when its been worked out. I am done commenting on this thread if anyone wants to contact me via PMs feel free. But I won't deal with anyone telling me to leave him.



Selectivelight -> RE: Monogamous to Poly?? (3/12/2011 2:44:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: babygurlangel

As for those telling me to move on... I am not going to just up and leave over a little blip in our relationship..


A blip in the relationship: "You always leave your fingernail clippings on the floor!"

A blip in the relationship: "Honey, I really wish you wouldn't read in bed while I'm trying to sleep."

Not a blip in the relationship: "I think I'm a switch, not a dom."

Definitely not a blip in the relationship: "I want to find another woman."

What's the difference? The first two can be resolved with less than ten minutes of banter, a few reminders as the offending party corrects the behavior in question. No harm, no foul.

The second isn't actually a serious problem, in and of itself, though it will require a lot more time and effort to find the right dynamic again. If everything else is going great, then hey, work it out. It's not such a big deal.

The third... this is where things get hairy.

Am I saying leave him? Not at all. You worked it out, good for you. I'm just saying I think your analysis of the situation might be a little ... off.



OsideGirl -> RE: Monogamous to Poly?? (3/13/2011 1:34:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Selectivelight
I'm just saying I think your analysis of the situation might be a little ... off.

I'm with you. It wasn't a blip, it was something that changed the foundation of the relationship. The first step is recognizing how big of an item this was and second is facing it, not sitting there saying "It's all okay now, so whatever".



NocturnalStalker -> RE: Monogamous to Poly?? (3/13/2011 1:56:35 PM)

You're too lenient in this situation.  You won't leave him until more mental damage has been endured.  What a shame.



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