RE: Relationship advice wanted

RE: Relationship advice wanted (Full Version)

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DarkSteven -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/22/2011 4:35:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OriginallyFromLA I think I'm going to have to attend some events. Absolutely. Good luck!

kalikshama -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/22/2011 4:49:42 AM)
quote: At the same time, some of us with extensive toy bags have been using the stuff for years and it can be like a kid in a candy shop when we take on a new submissive. That doesn't necessarily make them shallow. It means they are wanting someone who is a well versed, experienced Dominant who is also a kick ass top. I agree with LadyPact. I've dated several men who initially claimed to have far more experience than they truly did. I have no interest in allowing my tender flesh be used as a practice dummy. I inquire about the toy collection as a way to screen out men who are not experienced with /serious about flogging/caning. I have found that with men who own no floggers, I am likely to have a bad or boring Scene when they use mine. Conversely, I have never been disappointed by someone who had an extensive toy collection. My (now ex) husband and I learned together and that was a sweet and sacred experience that I do not wish to repeat with another man.

OriginallyFromLA -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/22/2011 10:26:59 AM)
Well, it really is all about the pshycological for me. Toys are just tools. I'm not worried about toys and tools. What really vibrates that tuning fork in my brain is control and humilliation. Really being able to let go and show a woman that she is, until I decide otherwise, just a nameless, worthless piece of meat that was put here speciffically for my pleasure, with no rights or recourse, to fulfill my pleasure whatever that pleasure may be at the moment. I give her whatever value she may have and she owes her grattitude for any identity she may have to me. Now, that's a powerful statement and not one I share lightly. I personally don't need toys to get there. They would just be in the way. Go "there" with the wrong person and bad shit is the result. In vanilla land I am a very mild mannered, doting and affectionate guy. I crave affection and touch, to give and recieve and I give it willingly. I really do have an incredible respect for women and what they can do, and the power that they have. The last thing I want to do is REALLY hurt anyone. Especially one I care about. The girl that promted this thread was looking for someone who incorporated their dominant side more fully into their daily personna. I think one of the reasons I am as loving and affectionate as I am, is because on the flip side, the one very few have ever seen, I am a VERY dark, scary, vicious son of a bitch. Letting that side off the chain is not something I take lightly and one I can't really incorporate in a day to day setting. Like a submissive gets satisfaction from being able to shed the responsibilities of control, I get satisfaction out of letting that dark side come forward for a while. It's a real Jekyl and Hide transformation and I think it scares most women because they see it as a lack of control. And maybe it is. Hell, sharing it with the wrong person scares me. No-one has to ever worry about physical harm from me, It's the pshycological damage I'm worried about. I can be......intense. What I want is to be able to show someone just how dark I can be so they appreciate how tender and loving I can be. It's developing a realtaionship with the right person and developing the trust involved needed to get there. Every time I meet someone I think could handle it I get excited and they see it as being overwhelmed and weak and I need to get a handle on that or I'll never get into a relationship I feel comfortable enough in to explore.

DesFIP -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/22/2011 12:13:24 PM)
The problem with you keeping that side of yourself tamped down all the time is that a submissive female isn't going to sense that you have it. And we don't submit in a vacuum. We submit in reaction to perceived dominance. But nobody can sense your dominance in order to be attracted to it. Honestly there is a middle ground. Which is made up of wanting to be in control over all. Not just having one sexual fetish of wanting to objectify someone. I can get a thrill when he tells me what he wants for dinner and when. Nothing sexual there, it's just that he takes control actively where he usually doesn't.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/22/2011 8:16:34 PM)
Des is right really... if you're hiding this part of yourself under lots and lots of layers, it'll be pretty hard for people to even suspect that it's there. perhaps, as you said, getting some control of the apprehension towards it, and finding ways to express it in smaller ways might help you. here's a metaphor for you -- think of the days leading up to the 4th of July, and hearing little fire crackers going off in the distance. theeen the neighbor kids are doing cheesy little tiny fountains and running around with sparklers. then another neighbor gets adventurous and shoots off some saturn missles -- it gets the anticipation up, knowing what's coming up for the actual day. some people actually do make humiliation and degradation part of their daily interactions -- but they use it like firecrackers instead of shooting off big aerials every day. i think most people have been in the position of not having anyone who "gets" them. and that excitement when you think you've found someone to relate to or talk to; yeah that can be pretty overwhelming, but sometimes it's best to just be realistic, and get a handle on any extreme feelings.

OriginallyFromLA -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/22/2011 9:43:10 PM)
Epiphany time folks, thanks to you and a big thanks to lilMichele. I fucked this up. I take 100% responsibility for it. The girl that prompted this post was right. I need experience. She kept pushing and pushing, in a sense asking me to be Dominant, but since we had not "agreed" that we would behave in a domiant-submissive way, I just sort of imploded. My taste of the lifestyle was with someone who had been my girlfriend for months and we discussed it and agreed up front before hand to try it but it was limited to the bedroom at her request. I always wanted to expand it so when this woman was telling me she wanted it 24X7 I was like great, let's sit down and agree to do it, instead of just doing it. I feel like such a moron. She kept telling me over and over and I just ignored it waiting for the starting gun to sound, when it had sounded the first we met. Fucking costly lesson. At least it was more valuable than it cost. (I hope) FUCK!!!

Awareness -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/23/2011 12:18:59 AM)
Sounds to me like she was testing you and you failed. If a woman says she's too much for you to handle, laugh in her face. Women test men all the time and subs are always going to test Doms for dominance. Look dude, the entire exercise should be about YOU screening HER. You let this get turned around. Never, ever let this happen again. If woman comes out with bullshit like that, the appropriate response should be "Off you go, then" followed by hanging up the phone or closing the door behind her. Women make the mistake of presuming they can get what they want easily - however the irony is, despite the multitude of women wanting Doms online, very few men are actually dominant. Subs spend a long time looking, so when the real deal comes along, they're usually smart enough to grab it if they're smart enough to see it. Let me put it this way. FUCK what she wants. Ignore what she wants, it's fucking irrelevant. What matters here is what you want, what type of sub you want and how you want her to behave. If you're a Dom, you treat a sub in a way which pleases YOU. Not HER. If it pleases you to be kind to her, then do so (although don't indulge her). If it pleases you to treat her as your private cumslut, to grab her by the hair and fuck her mouth whenever you desire, then do so. You make the rules, not her. Except, what the fuck are you doing giving a woman flowers? That's long-term girlfriend shit. Don't ever do that until a woman is a regular sexual partner who adores the ever-lovin' fuck out of you. And if you give her flowers, do so because it pleases you to do so. Not because you think it's expected or you think it'll achieve something. And don't repeat it. The value of gifts drops through the floor with repetition. They should be isolated, rare and unconnected with any specific event or expectation.

IronBear -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/23/2011 12:19:05 AM)
Mate there is not a great deal to what has been said and said I will comment in the nicest way.. take it to heart.. Process it and dump the worthless female.. You are not the most evil male I've seen here so why not head to a few munches and see what happens? Follow by attending a couple of public dungeons (there are plenty who can give you advise pertaining to your area I am sure.) I sincerely wish you all the best and look forward to read about your progress..

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/23/2011 6:54:25 AM)
Practice, practice, practice. None of those guys came out the gate knowing how to use all that stuff. Try and find some classes to take too.

leadership527 -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/23/2011 8:49:25 AM)
OK, this is certainly going to be an minority opinion but I'm not so sure you were a moron here unless you were hoping for a casual play relationship rather than some long-term romantic one. There is truth to the idea that you don't get given submission, you take it. Even when it's offered, it still needs to be taken. I'm pretty big on that one. But there's also an awful lot to be said for clear and forthright communication. She kept pushing and pushing, in a sense asking me to be Dominant And "in a sense" she's also ran for president. In a more real sense, did she really ask for anything or did she do some sort of passive-aggressive game playing? Only you can really know what happened here, but I for one am detecting way more weirdness than I would put up with. The conversation between Carol and I went a lot more straight-forwardly and there was no "in a sense" about it. There was also none of the challenging and what appears to be game playing. It was two adults calmly discussing whether to give something a try or not. Fundamentally I think you two were always incompatible. You're looking for a relationship and she wants a sex toy.

LilMichele -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/23/2011 9:36:02 AM)
I'm not so good with the quotey things...but omg yes exactly what Awareness said! I agree completely. I said that to someone once "Don't bring me flowers unless I earned it". Come to think of it why did I have to tell that guy such a thing....what was his name again? Glad my pm helped a little, too. Maybe I have learned a thing or two in a couple years :)

SimplyMichael -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/23/2011 2:01:55 PM)
You are lucky she is flaking on you now before you get your heart involved. Many women dabble in kink, they have flings, they want the attention, etc but when the chips are down...they aren't serious about you or kink. Keep working on yourself and wait till you find a woman WORTHY of you. As someone with a great deal of experience and an extensive toy collection....they are meaningless (except to people who value them)... You can create intense scenes with words whispered in her ear, you can bind her with a thought, you can do anything the big names in the scene need equipment to do with your hands. However, many women want to be fucked by a "name" or want you to create not just their fantasy but the entire romance novel. Fuck em, wait for a real woman who will work as hard as you will to make it worth, anything less and step away fast.

Kana -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/23/2011 2:07:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OriginallyFromLA What is it I'm missing? The balls to step up to the plate and seize the leash. Gal throws down a gauntlet, pick it up, slap her in the face with it. Sheesh. quote: ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch Practice, practice, practice. None of those guys came out the gate knowing how to use all that stuff. Sez you! No seriously, this is the best advice possible. Lots of people can tell ya stuff, but IMHO, BDSM is a thing best learned by doing....just don't start with edge play!

sexyred1 -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/23/2011 3:56:26 PM)
One last piece of advice for the OP: Don't listen to all the advice you got; particularly about how it is so dominant to ignore what a woman wants. Contrary to popular belief, not all submissive women want the same type of Dominant. Not all of us want assholes who think our opinions don't matter. That shit gets old pretty fast. If you want to be the type of Dominant that you say you are, which is both a good guy and one who can also indulge his darker side, then find a woman who appreciates your type. Because some of the opinions you got are from those who would not know how to be dominant if someone smashed them upside the head with a submissive or from submissives who buy into the hype of the Dom as asshole thing. I applaud you for understanding what went on in your situation when all is said and done, but don't change your essential good behavior based on some myths.

CalifChick -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/23/2011 4:08:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 Because some of the opinions you got are from those who would not know how to be dominant if someone smashed them upside the head with a submissive or from submissives who buy into the hype of the Dom as asshole thing. I applaud you for understanding what went on in your situation when all is said and done, but don't change your essential good behavior based on some myths. This and This. If gifts are her language and you don't get her flowers because it's not a domly thing (barf), then she'll never be yours ("her" referring to any woman). Cali

KnightofMists -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/23/2011 5:49:55 PM)
first... like your chest set.. I have one like it... had it since I was 13... only difference it is a rust and gray colour of stone. I spent my own allowance of 40 dollars to buy it way back in 77 I wish I could give you some great wisdom here.. but fact of the matter is there isn't alot of detail that anyone could give you any specific advice about your situation. WAY to general of a question and so many possibilities. I will suggest one thing.... do what feels right to the guy you see in the mirror... In the end... that is the one that matters. you will make mistakes.. and you will have successes... just keep moving forward! and be you!!!

ranja -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/24/2011 7:44:38 AM)
you sound a bit desperate people usually do not like to be scored by desperate others, unless they are just in it for a quick thrill, easy lay sort of stuff and if you want an easy lay why not pay a hooker and get your needs met if you want a woman for a relationship maybe get to know her as a person even before you are thinking about getting her to submit to you so you can get your thing done desperation is not a good starting point for a relationship really, it tends to warp your point of view

PsychicWillow -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/24/2011 12:38:48 PM)
Try me... I can help you.

FukinTroll -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/24/2011 1:33:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PsychicWillow Try me... I can help you. Shouldn't you be able to just go ahead and post all the answers? I mean, yer psychic ya know. Jus say'n Slurp~

Kirata -> RE: Relationship advice wanted (3/24/2011 2:45:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OriginallyFromLA Epiphany time folks, thanks to you and a big thanks to lilMichele. I gotta go with DesFIP and LillyBoPeep on this one. This whole 'two sides' shit strikes me as weird. You need to integrate those two sides into a package called a human being, so that what a woman sees is what she gets. K.

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