Newbie seeks advice and resources (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master



Message

SCExecutiveSub -> Newbie seeks advice and resources (5/8/2006 4:05:58 PM)

Let me begin by saying thank you for reading this message and taking the time to respond if applicable.
I have recently discovered that submission is what I have craved and longed for in my life for a long time. I am looking for information that will help me become a good submissive and general guidelines on the terminology used in this lifestyle. I am struggling to commincate effectively and appropriatley with any potential doms and in the various chatrooms. I have read various online articles but there doesn't seem to be anything that lays out fully what the expecations are when the term 'Pet' or 'Slave' is used for example.

Are there any articles or discussion threads you would recommend?

Regards and thank you again,
SCExecutvieSub



CrappyDom -> RE: Newbie seeks advice and resources (5/8/2006 4:13:28 PM)

I suggest getting the CD.



MasterMoody -> RE: Newbie seeks advice and resources (5/8/2006 4:14:51 PM)

hi hope you find what you are looking for



slavejali -> RE: Newbie seeks advice and resources (5/8/2006 4:22:01 PM)

As far as I know, there are no hard and fast rules although many of the chatrooms have a set of rules you could look up. If you are really serious about exploring more of your submissive tendencies...I know this is an old cliche....but....why not go to a munch or club in your area. If that isnt possible, I think forums like this one are a better avenue to ask questions and information and explore and share yoor feelings with others rather than a chatroom. Many of the people here have or are living in a real life bdsm Master/Mistress/slave relationship whereas chatrooms Ive found have a lot of imagination and fantasy included (which is fine for fun) but not good enough for real exploration of submission etc.



SCExecutiveSub -> RE: Newbie seeks advice and resources (5/8/2006 4:30:23 PM)

Thank you SlaveJali!
Then may I impose another question? A dom has recently contacted me and has demanded play on our first 'date' tomorrow evening. I am feeling way to much pressure having not ever met this person before in my life. Comments such as 'you are not serious if you don't' and 'You WILL be my pet' have been spoken recently and every inch of me says WAIT! Would a respectful Dom really require play on the first meeting?
Yes, I want to explore this new revelation about myself, but I had no idea that he would require this level of submission before I even get to know him a bit?
Just a little confused as to the general expectations...
Sincerley,
SCExecSub



heartfeltsub -> RE: Newbie seeks advice and resources (5/8/2006 4:37:51 PM)

SCExecutivesub,

There is a very good real time group close to where you live called T3WD that has many education events. You can find it initially as a Yahoo group. You will find a wealth of experienced people in the lifestyle and if you go to their events, they bring in speakers from all over the country.

If you do not want something quite that local there is another group that is also excellent in Greenville, SC called SC-Lock which also hosts some first rate education classes.

i used to be a member of T3WD and have attended many SC-Lock events. Hope that helps.

heartfelt





LadyHugs -> RE: Newbie seeks advice and resources (5/8/2006 4:40:53 PM)

Dear SCExecutiveSub,
 
I would suggest strongly, that this dominant be advised that you are not ready to engage in any physical activities yourself.  I feel this particular approach by using, you're not serious if you don't and other ploys to get you into a uncomfortable position is not what I consider a dominant but a grabby male, eager for fresh female, as to take advantage of your lack of experience.
 
A good dominant will be very patient, to let you set your own pace and not frighten you into anything or make threats--such stated "if you don't do this, you'll not be slave, etc." -- That is a controller--not a dominant.
 
You're worth waiting for.  You are worth taking the pace which suits you.  I would agree in going to munches and mingle with others.  I would also never put yourself in a position where you cannot escape.
Sadly, too many prey on novices with tragic results.  Please listen to your gut instincts.  Meet in a neutral spot.  Check in with friends for safety sake.  Never allow yourself to be bound right away.
 
Let the dominant earn your trust.  Watch this dominant in action first before he lays a finger on you.  Ask those around about this dominant.
 
Respectful dominants respect a lady's right to privacy, security and pace as they discover this lifestyle.  Invest in yourself--then it will pay dividends.
 
Respectfully submitted,
Lady Hugs



heartfeltsub -> RE: Newbie seeks advice and resources (5/8/2006 4:42:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SCExecutiveSub

Thank you SlaveJali!
Then may I impose another question? A dom has recently contacted me and has demanded play on our first 'date' tomorrow evening. I am feeling way to much pressure having not ever met this person before in my life. Comments such as 'you are not serious if you don't' and 'You WILL be my pet' have been spoken recently and every inch of me says WAIT! Would a respectful Dom really require play on the first meeting?
Yes, I want to explore this new revelation about myself, but I had no idea that he would require this level of submission before I even get to know him a bit?
Just a little confused as to the general expectations...
Sincerley,
SCExecSub


Sorry i know that you directed this to slave jali, but i felt compelled to respond and the answer is EMPHATICALLY NO, there is no call to play on a first meeting and it should not be expected of you, and his comments questioning your submissiveness because you don't want to play is a huge waving red flag.  Please do not meet him and do not play with him.

The only time that playing on first meeting can be seen as viable by most in the lifestyle is if the communication between the 2 people has been going on for a while.

Please follow your gut, it is trying to tell you something.

heartfelt



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Newbie seeks advice and resources (5/8/2006 4:53:55 PM)

If anyone tells you you must do "x" or you're not "real", they are, bluntly, full of shit. you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If she's pushing for play on the first date and you don't want to, the two of you aren't a match. For safety's sake, most of us advise not playing on the first date, period.

Here's a dictionary of terms that's been floating around the internet. Might help with the original question.
Dictionary

Here is a blurb about safe, sane and consensual, including safe calls and silent alarms.
SSC

Hope all this helps. Consider adding more to your profile, including a picture.

Fire



zebra -> RE: Newbie seeks advice and resources (5/8/2006 5:06:52 PM)

Please be careful. I've allowed myself to be bullied into "playing" in this manner, and there isn't much that is more emotionally damaging. I've been told by one dom I trust that a dom who doesn't think about/care about the sub's interests first is not worthy. Don't allow yourself to get hurt just to prove something to someone who doesn't deserve that, please.

zebra

edited to eliminate a really annoying double negative!



IronBear -> RE: Newbie seeks advice and resources (5/8/2006 5:07:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

I suggest getting the CD.


You have me a tad confuzzled here CD.

Are you suggesting the the OP either gets:
  1. The compact Disk of the appropriate threads on CM?
  2. Are you offering youself?    
[:-] [8|] [;)]



slavejali -> RE: Newbie seeks advice and resources (5/8/2006 5:09:32 PM)

SCExecSub,

Think of it this way, if you were chatting to someone, or even communicating with someone via a dating agency and you were about to meet and they said "Btw I will expect you to fuck me tomorrow night when we first meet so be ready" What would you think of them...and would you even show up?

Being a submissive doesnt mean you lose all your common sense.

Master and I met online..I suppose it helped that we had both had experience in RT Master/slave relationships beforehand..so we werent subject to the online traps you can fall into.....but I tell you this honestly...when we met...even though we both had experience...and both had talked to each other for 11 months online....we were really on the go slow in regards to Masters expectations of me....establishing a Master/slave relationship takes time and work.....we have been together 2 years now...and although I can say I'm completely submittied to him now...it has been a process of time that has established the depth of it.

In regards to play of itself....two years down the track we have not explored together everything we have both experienced in our pasts in regards to play.

Anyone who demands stuff straight away....I would take a step back from cause it would mean to me that he either has lack of experience with slaves, no self-discipline or is just a jack-ass player.



IronBear -> RE: Newbie seeks advice and resources (5/8/2006 5:17:56 PM)

SCExecSub,

I've really got nothing new to add to the sound advice you have already got here... When I meet someone for the first time, I want, nay I expect .. ermm damn it I demand that they have a safety person on a phone and be handy. I will want the meeting to be in a public place and preferbly an outside coffee shop (I bring Sasha our Malamute along ). I both want and need the person to both feel and know they are not at risk.... This will continue for several meets if necessary or if the do come to my place to talk and get to know us I prefer that they bring a friend too and still have a safety phone number handy.... I'm anal about security and personal protection for mine and those who are with me at any time....



MrMister -> RE: Newbie seeks advice and resources (5/8/2006 5:47:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SCExecutiveSub

Would a respectful Dom really require play on the first meeting?


With the key word here being respectful (I should also throw in "genuine, sincere, nurturing, patient, loving, compatible", well, I think you get the picture), you actually already know the answer to your quandary, which is a resounding NO!! He most definitely should not expect you to do anything other than become better aquainted, and become as comfortable with one another as humanly possible. If both of you so chose to let anything progress beyond that on the first encounter, I'm sure there would be something there to justify partaking in such so suddenly.

For example, the first meeting I had with the love of my life, we had both agreed there would be absolutely no sexual involvement that first time, perhaps even longer if necessary; however, as the evening progressed, we simply found it to be practically impossible to resist the passion rising from the very depths of our souls. We very easily could have gone there, but we both knew there was some serious chemistry and even electricity between us and certainly warranted looking into with a lot more insight and openess. I simply didn't want to allow her the remote possibility in thinking this was going to be all about sex, with very little else to consider. But of course, this only applies to me. Most assuradly every individual has their own set of reasons for "What It Is That We Do". But I can assure you that it is exceedingly risky to become entangled as you suggested he is desirous of on the very first meeting.

Anyway, sorry for rambling a bit, and best of luck to you tomorrow evening. I will keep my fingers crossed that all goes well if you so chose to meet with this person.



SCExecutiveSub -> RE: Newbie seeks advice and resources (5/8/2006 5:51:10 PM)

Thank you to all who responded. I appreciate your guidence and patience with my 'newbie-ness'. Thank you again and you are all right in trusting my gut instincts on this one. If he isn't willing to let me get to know him before play, he isn't suitable to be the one I submit to fully.
Regards,
SCExecutiveSub



CrappyDom -> RE: Newbie seeks advice and resources (5/8/2006 6:16:02 PM)

IronBear, the reason I hate the internet is my brilliant sarcasm often doesn't work.

There is a certain world renowed person with a vast armada of followers who offers a Compact Disk of their many tidbits of wisdom.  As someone who has always had a rather remarkable amount of gall and an overdeveloped sense of self worth, I am in awe of someone who makes me look like an amatuer in these matters.



proudsub -> RE: Newbie seeks advice and resources (5/8/2006 7:42:58 PM)

quote:

Then may I impose another question? A dom has recently contacted me and has demanded play on our first 'date' tomorrow evening. I am feeling way to much pressure having not ever met this person before in my life


These threads might help:
Play Sessions & First Meets
"playing" on the first meet?





[image]http://www.collarchat.com/image/rank_bar.gif[/image]

showArrow("11/21/2004 3:31:56 PM",40134,20,false)

sry messed  up a link, here it is:





[image]http://www.collarchat.com/image/rank_bar.gif[/image]

showArrow("11/21/2004 3:31:56 PM",40134,20,false)
Playing on a first meeting well the link works, just ignore the other stuff there.



Clothespingirl -> RE: Newbie seeks advice and resources (5/8/2006 8:01:34 PM)

Hon, I not only wouldn't submit to him fully, I wouldn't meet him at all.  He's not only disrespectful, he's potentially dangerous. 

Think about it:  You've got a strange man, equipped with ropes and god knows what else, all lathered up and insisting he can do what he wants to you immediately.  Break off the meeting, and block him if you have to.  Also consider whether he has any contact info and can find you, and take any steps you need to.

One of the main things I consider when deciding whether to meet a man is if he shows maturity, courtesy, and self-control. 

Good luck!  Don't rush into anything, there's lots of good fish in the sea [;)]



stevepops -> RE: Newbie seeks advice and resources (5/8/2006 8:44:59 PM)

First of all I would drop all the play and fantasy. Meet as human beings. Talk to each other as equal human beings. Have you ever read the sentence: Because I am a sub, doesn't mean I am YOUR sub.
To me you need to establish a relationship based upon who you are, then the D/s or what ever can grow and only then. Hope this makes sense. If not email me.

Happy trolling
SP



Vancouver_cinful -> RE: Newbie seeks advice and resources (5/8/2006 9:42:56 PM)

I never, never meet anyone I haven't had a pleasant few phone chats with, and lots of time to get a sense of who they are. And then I never, never meet them for the first time in private.

I refuse to make promises about playing with someone until after the first face-to-face meeting, even if I suspect they are someone I want to play with. I learned from experience that there are often surprises on that first meet, and it's possible one of those surprises will be a deal-breaker.

Anybody who has an issue with these conditions doesn't have your best interests at heart. That's the bottom line. If they care about you, they'll understand.
 
Take as much time as you need, do what you have to do to feel and ensure you're safe. Always leave contact information with friends and let your date know you're doing so.

Don't be a target for nutcases. If it feels weird, then trust your instincts and walk away. You don't owe them anything. No excuses, no submission. It's your life, and you must take care of yourself.

Welcome to Collarme, and enjoy the years ahead, I know my first 3 years exploring submisson were some of the most intensely exciting ones of my life.

Cin



Page: [1] 2   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.328125