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RE: i urge all sub/slaves to seriously reconsider - 4/17/2011 5:59:23 PM

yours4u2use

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i am truly surprised at your comments as i have always admired your posts, and your comments......surprised you would jump all over me without knowing details

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RE: i urge all sub/slaves to seriously reconsider - 4/17/2011 6:05:20 PM

sunshinemiss

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Conversations happen. If you can't handle a conversation wandering a bit, well.... good luck in communicating with folks. And by the way, YOU haven't addressed any of the points folks have brought up:

lack of a decent sample size.
Get up. Dust yourself off. Be more honest with yourself about your own needs. Move on.
You chose crappy partners.
You don't want to compete with couples.
Your perspective of "always"
changing this to see it a bit more clearly by saying "women / men" instead of "subs / couples"

We aren't hijacking. You are avoiding.

good luck,
sunshine

... still avoiding...

ETA: which you have every right to do. However, YOU came to the board and created this inflammatory thread - which has been responded to quite civilly, by the way. If you hadn't wanted feedback, you would have put this in your journal instead of here. Don't be surprised, though, when folks recognized your ploys, call you on your stuff, and then make mincemeat out of the thread.

good luck,
sunshine

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 4/17/2011 6:13:15 PM >

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RE: i urge all sub/slaves to seriously reconsider - 4/17/2011 6:12:21 PM

LadyPact

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You shouldn't be. I'm like this all of the time. Take My word for it. If you can't I've got another thread from last week in another section that very well explains My feelings on the matter.

In the realm of possibilities, there are several when it comes to your post. One is that poly really is just a shit way for folks to structure their relationships. Now, considering that a lot of people do this successfully, I'm going to knock that one out. The old adage of "if it isn't impossible......" Plenty of people are proving that it is possible in their households, so you have no good point of debate.

What is possible (one of them anyway) is that you chose couples that weren't good households where you fit with them. Another is that you have bad screening criteria so that you attract certain partners that aren't good poly material. Yet another is that you might not be good poly material. Going back to another old adage, "the common denominator in all of your relationships (in other words, your whole two poly attempts) is you" since I don't see any of these as impossible, it means they have some probability.

Mostly, you're coming across like you are butt-hurt. You had a couple (literally two) situations that didn't work out. Are you really expecting folks to believe that is because of the relationship style or rather, it just might have something to do with you?

As was told to you, go out and have two monogamous relationships that don't work out and decide monogamy sucks. How about two heterosexual relationships that turn sour so you decide that you're gay? Do you think jealousy doesn't come up in those kinds of relationships, too?

I know, I know............ It's us who are all doing it wrong.

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RE: i urge all sub/slaves to seriously reconsider - 4/17/2011 6:13:56 PM

yours4u2use

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Okay, let me see if i can answer properly

lack of a decent sample size.....okay, i am one sub.....and i think that in 7years, having tried 2 couples is enough.....but perhaps not.
My needs....i am looking for firm control and guidance...and i am anxious to serve.

Crappy partners.....perhaps, but one's choices can only be guided by what one is told/promised
i don't want to compete......yes, you are right, i don't want to compete, but they (one of the partners) see me as competition.

Why should i change it to men/women......in that configuration, poly would not enter into it....i see it as unique to D/s

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RE: i urge all sub/slaves to seriously reconsider - 4/17/2011 6:21:17 PM

sunshinemiss

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ORIGINAL: yours4u2use

Okay, let me see if i can answer properly

lack of a decent sample size.....okay, i am one sub.....and i think that in 7years, having tried 2 couples is enough.....but perhaps not.

FOR YOU. And that's fine. Maybe it's not the right dynamic FOR YOU. (It's not for me either, but I'm sure not going to tell other people that it's wrong for them!)

My needs....i am looking for firm control and guidance...and i am anxious to serve.

What does that have to do with poly? And let's see... this sure sounds like sub frenzy...

Crappy partners.....perhaps, but one's choices can only be guided by what one is told/promised

Bullshit. Even children know that actions speak louder than words.

i don't want to compete......yes, you are right, i don't want to compete, but they (one of the partners) see me as competition.

Two things here - YOU don't want to compete. Sounds like poly might not work for you. I don't know, but it's certainly something to consider.

The other thing. You chose crappy partners. Good partners discuss this stuff, know this stuff about themselves and take steps to manage it before it becomes a problem and deal with it as it comes up.

Why should i change it to men/women......in that configuration, poly would not enter into it....

I was using a metaphor to show you how utterly ridiculous your premise was. It seems you understand the ridiculous nature of what I wrote - which was just a re-write of your own original post... which was a ridiculous premise.

i see it as unique to D/s

There are plenty of poly non-D/s people. Have you never heard of Utah? Mormons? Heck there are bunches and bunches of poly people (there were some famous women pirates, the former head of National Organization of Women, a US president, etc. but that would be a hijack. Ooo... maybe I'll start a thread about that).

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RE: i urge all sub/slaves to seriously reconsider - 4/17/2011 6:26:34 PM

yours4u2use

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okay, thank you for your opinion in this matter.....,my feelings are utterly ridiculous...and i deserve what i got

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RE: i urge all sub/slaves to seriously reconsider - 4/17/2011 6:30:43 PM

sunshinemiss

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yours4u2use

okay, thank you for your opinion in this matter.....,my feelings are utterly ridiculous...and i deserve what i got

If that's what you think I said, then you aren't just making foolish decisions, you are setting yourself up to be a victim. If there is one thing I don't suffer it's people who choose to be a victim.

Good luck

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 4/17/2011 6:42:57 PM >

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RE: i urge all sub/slaves to seriously reconsider - 4/17/2011 6:50:35 PM

yours4u2use

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i was being facetious...

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RE: i urge all sub/slaves to seriously reconsider - 4/17/2011 6:58:49 PM

hausboy

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OP:
I've played with a "third" and I've played with two Dom/Domme couples. And every configuration in between. All were very enjoyable for everyone. There was only one that I didn't feel good about--I found out later that she had NOT told her husband that my (ex) wife and I were playing with her. We didn't play twice.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but it really comes to down to communication. I'm very selective with my play partners in general, but even more so with a couple. It's extremely important for me to know about the dynamics, and I personally need to hear it from BOTH parties so that I know that we're all on the same page. Every couple I've played with--or the times when I had a single play with me and my Domme--we all had lengthy discussions ahead of time regarding what was okay, what wasn't, what our expectations were and an overall reassurance that everyone was okay with, regardless of whether they were participating, watching or were the person the boy/girl came home to.

I urge you to seriously reconsider how you are approaching your play partners, really evaluate if your expectations and their expectations may have been different.

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RE: i urge all sub/slaves to seriously reconsider - 4/17/2011 7:13:14 PM

Pleasurepleasing

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yours4u2use

getting involved with a couple....i have done it twice....the second time, i was convinced they were different....

You know, no matter how great they sound, jealousy always rears its ugly head.

Jealousy has never come into our affair as we are just so good and comfortable with each other that all other subfems or possible slaves, simply add to our pleasure and simply may or may not wish to stay.

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RE: i urge all sub/slaves to seriously reconsider - 4/17/2011 7:52:06 PM

Hisprettybaby

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yours4u2use

getting involved with a couple....i have done it twice....the second time, i was convinced they were different....

You know, no matter how great they sound, jealousy always rears its ugly head.

Getting involved only twice? That's not enough of a sample size to prove whether poly works or not. There is NO way you can say on the basis of ony two experiences of yours whether or not poly will work out for someone else. Maybe you are just not wired for poly, or maybe two tries is just not really enough to even tell if it could work out for you. I can tell you right now, I am SO not the jealous type and I'm even the one that told Daddy I'm interested in having a poly sister. It's ridiculous to make judgments for everyone else based on your own limited experience with poly. Just ridiculous. You're entitled to your feelings, of course, but making rash judgments is just wrong.

~Hisprettybaby~

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RE: i urge all sub/slaves to seriously reconsider - 4/18/2011 5:13:15 AM

DarkSteven

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I'd say that it was not a sample size of two couples as much as it was a sample size of one submissive.

OP, there's something that you have that will make you pick people. Being a sub, maybe saying that you accept them might be better.

You have twice been in bad poly relationships and never in a good one and based on your comments, I would assume that the poly natiure had some thing to do with them ending badly. Maybe there's something in you that is attracted to poly relationships that won't work out. Based on that, I think your advice to steer clear of poly is excellent - for YOU.

Best of luck and I hope you find a mono relationship that works for you.

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RE: i urge all sub/slaves to seriously reconsider - 4/18/2011 5:17:20 AM

myotherself

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~FR~

You had two poly relationships that didn't work.

And the common denominator issssssss.....

*cue bolt of lightning from the gods of the bleedin' obvious*

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RE: i urge all sub/slaves to seriously reconsider - 4/18/2011 5:24:19 AM

sunshinemiss

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Sunny
Quote of the Day
goes to
myotherself

for
*cue bolt of lightning from
the gods of the bleedin' obvious*

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RE: i urge all sub/slaves to seriously reconsider - 4/18/2011 5:27:15 AM

angelikaJ

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yours4u2use

getting involved with a couple....i have done it twice....the second time, i was convinced they were different....

You know, no matter how great they sound, jealousy always rears its ugly head.

Crappy partners.....perhaps, but one's choices can only be guided by what one is told/promised
i don't want to compete......yes, you are right, i don't want to compete, but they (one of the partners) see me as competition.

Here is the thing:

It works for some people.
It didn't work for you.

But "poly" isn't always to blame evern when that seems to be the case.

Some people are not equiped for poly relationships.
And when that happens it is incompatibility that is the issue and not poly itself.

From the very little you have said the other female partner was jealous?

Now, it is possible that she didn't really want a poly relationship and was only doing it to please her partner... in which case there was an incomaptibility from the beginning.

Or it is possible that either you or people within the couple had terrible communication skills and that led to misunderstandings and jealousies.

The question you need to ask yourself did how well did you know them?
How long did it take before you decided you wanted to be a part of this?

And how balanced was the attention if you look at it objectively?
New people often do get the lion's share especially if they are insecure or from the other side: if the dominant partner is all caught up in "new relationship energy".

Usually many couples have a policy of putting their relationship first and in that case once it is determined that something about adding a third is jeopardising theirs, they end it with the new partner.

Please understand, I am not blaming you.
I am saying that poly relationships are complex and can fail for numerous reasons that have nothing to do with poly itself.

In any relationship the keys for it to working are compatibility and communication.

Where does that fit with you?

Where do crappy partners and promises fit in with this:
It truly does take time to get to know someone and part of that process before committing is observing to see if their words and actions match.

Again, I have no idea how long you took in getting to see if the fit was right.
I have no way of knowing if even though you didn't want competion, you may have encouraged it anyway.

This is not about blame.

This is about responsibility.

If you blame the relationship instead of accepting responsibility you are not going to really get peace of mind.

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 4/18/2011 5:36:13 AM >

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RE: i urge all sub/slaves to seriously reconsider - 4/18/2011 8:31:07 AM

ranja

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quote:

ORIGINAL: yours4u2use

getting involved with a couple....i have done it twice....the second time, i was convinced they were different....

You know, no matter how great they sound, jealousy always rears its ugly head.

For a very few it might work out obviously
i have to say i think your advise is sound though... anybody getting into a threesome with a couple will most likely be at the bottom of the pecking order and as soon as he or she is perceived to be a threat they most likely will be out on their ear... as most couples will have decided before hand that the 'primary relationship' will come first

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RE: i urge all sub/slaves to seriously reconsider - 4/18/2011 11:10:07 AM

Madame4a

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Interesting...

your experience, isn't it?

perhaps you don't make good choices?

quote:

ORIGINAL: yours4u2use

getting involved with a couple....i have done it twice....the second time, i was convinced they were different....

You know, no matter how great they sound, jealousy always rears its ugly head.

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RE: i urge all sub/slaves to seriously reconsider - 4/18/2011 2:18:15 PM

ResidentSadist

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Dear OP,
How many times have you (or others) failed at a mono relationship? Do you recommend we all reconsider mono based on your failures? Why then did you make this post about poly?

Passing out advice to "all subs" based on your own poly failures is very narrow minded. Presuming other submissives would be failures at poly does not speak well of your opinion for them. You seriously think they should "reconsider" poly? Do you think their first consideration of it wasn't thorough enough and they have to heed your words of warning? Just because you failed, don't presume they will.

If your warnings were valid, are you heartless and don't care to warn us Dom/mes too? Why leave us out? To the observant and experienced, it speaks volumes about what is going on in your head to make you react like that. We may reply "without knowing details" behind what makes you foolishly post a whiny victim thread in guise of a warning, but we don't really need those specifics do we?

So . . . now you are starting to see exactly how revealing your OP and replies are. Do I really need all the details to see you are having an emotional reaction and lashing out?

quote:

ORIGINAL: yours4u2use
. . . . jealousy always rears its ugly head.

No it doesn’t. Maybe it’s you baby? From what I see in this thread, you appear narrow minded, defensive, pretty touchy emotionally and have low opinions of others. I wouldn't think poly is the best avenue for someone like you.

My advice is to think before you open your mouth. Maybe you could make a new post that says, "Our poly failed and I would like some feedback from those whom are successful." Then let your OP tell your story, including how you are heartbroken, defensive and emotional about it. Because acting like a brat, posting warnings and implying you no longer admire people won't fly here. I don't give a fuck if you respect or admire me . . . you're just another brat that hasn't found her way in the world yet and this post is your way of stamping your feet and holding your breath to get attention.

You're lucky LP, or any of us have replied to this troll bait with any sincerity. You might try acting like a submissive, show some gratitude and respect, start seeking the guidance you cannot find within yourself and leave dispensing advice to those with the experience and discipline to do so with authority. A broken heart or failed relationship of any style doesn’t make you special or excuse tantrums. It makes you part of the human race. So shut up, have a cookie and try again.

Best wishes,
Kalon Eric

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 4/18/2011 2:35:52 PM >

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RE: i urge all sub/slaves to seriously reconsider - 4/18/2011 2:24:04 PM

ChatteParfaitt

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This, all of it:

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

Dear OP,
How many times have you (or others) failed at a mono relationship? Do you recommend we all reconsider mono based on your failures? Why then did you make this post about poly?

Passing out advice to "all subs" based on you own poly failures is very narrow minded. Presuming other submissives would be failures at poly does not speak well of your opinion for them. You seriously think they should "reconsider" poly? Do you don't think their first consideration of it wasn't thorough enough and they have to heed your words of warning? Just because you failed, don't presume they will.

If your warnings were valid, are you heartless and don't care to warn us Dom/mes too? Why leave us out? To the observant and experienced, it speaks volumes about what is going on in your head to make you react like that. We may reply "without knowing details" behind what makes you foolishly post a whiny victim thread in guise of a warning, but we don't really need those specifics do we?

So . . . now you are starting to see exactly how revealing your OP and replies are. Do I really need all the details to see you are having an emotional reaction and lashing out?

quote:

ORIGINAL: yours4u2use
. . . . jealousy always rears its ugly head.

No it doesn’t. Maybe it’s you baby? From what I see in this thread, you appear narrow minded, defensive, pretty touchy emotionally and have low opinions of others. I wouldn't think poly is the best avenue for someone like you.

My advice is to think before you open your mouth. Maybe you could make a new post that says, "Our poly failed and I would like some feedback from those whom are successful." Then let your OP tell your story, including how you are heartbroken, defensive and emotional about it. Because acting like a brat, posting warnings and implying you no longer admire people won't fly here. I don't give a fuck if you respect or admire me . . . you're just another brat that hasn't found her way in the world yet and this post is your way of stamping your feet and holding your breath to get attention.

You're lucky LP, or any of us have replied to this troll bait with any sincerity. You might try acting like a submissive, show some gratitude and respect, start seeking the guidance you cannot find within yourself and leave dispensing advice to those with the experience and discipline to do so with authority. A broken heart or failed relationship of any style doesn’t make you special or excuse tantrums. It makes you part of the human race. So shut up, have a cookie and try again.

Best wishes,
Kalon Eric

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RE: i urge all sub/slaves to seriously reconsider - 4/18/2011 2:56:04 PM

nephandi

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Greetings

I am very sorry to hear that you had bad experiences with your relationships, however that do not mean all relationships with a submissive serving or being involved with a existing couple is doomed to failure because your two did. Everyone with some wit know that such relationships are complicated and is not easy to get right, however there are allot of people who do live successfully and happily in such relationships.

I wish you well.

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