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I wrote a poem! - 4/18/2011 9:37:32 PM

HannahLynHeather

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ON A CLEAR EVENING

Drifting, dreaming...smoke pooling in still air
Sitting, waiting...hours spent going nowhere
Hoping, listening...for your step on the stair
Smiling, laughing...you're here, not going anywhere
Flirting, tempting...take me if you dare
Touching, teasing...fingers roaming everywhere
Kissing, tasting...soft lips on skin so fair
Tugging, Pulling...your hand grasping my hair
Seizing, claiming...my secret need stripped bare
Coming, going...two of a perfect pair
Falling, floating...pieces of me scattered here and there
Drifting, dreaming...in your arms without a care.

Heather

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RE: I wrote a poem! - 4/19/2011 6:36:03 PM

DarkSteven

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Wow! That's one unusual structure, but I like it. I'm surprised you were able to keep to that structure and yet the writing itself seemed light.

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RE: I wrote a poem! - 4/21/2011 10:07:00 AM

HannahLynHeather

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Thank you, Sir. I don't know much about poetry, so I don't really know if the structure is all that unusual, but it sure was hard to keep with it and tell the story!

Heather

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My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

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RE: I wrote a poem! - 4/28/2011 7:24:03 PM

maybeuglynotfat

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Yes, a strange form. Not that form means to much. Need rhythm, great start!

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RE: I wrote a poem! - 4/29/2011 1:29:48 AM

subrob1967

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I know nothing about poetry but I think it's beautiful.

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RE: I wrote a poem! - 5/1/2011 1:37:53 PM

HannahLynHeather

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quote:

I think it's beautiful.

Obviously you are an expert!! Thanks.

Heather

< Message edited by HannahLynHeather -- 5/1/2011 1:39:02 PM >

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fuck a duck ~w. disney

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i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

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RE: I wrote a poem! - 5/1/2011 6:11:22 PM

Arpig

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I wouldn't say I'm an expert, but I have been writing poetry longer than you've been alive, and I do know a thing or two about it. The structure is unusual, and it must have been a pain keeping to it, well done. As well it really paints the picture well. Each line depicts a clear picture of a moment or mood. And together they do tell a story effectively. Its really good, especially if, as you imply it's your first effort. I especially like the 2nd last line, that one is really good, it paints a picture of the aftermath of particularly exuberant sex perfectly in my mind.

I hope you keep writing. However, don't tie yourself to this particular structure, each poem is its own thing, try different forms and styles, and don't worry if its any good, the crappy ones you just crumple up and toss. Nobody but you has to know about them. For every good one I write, there are anywhere from 5 to 10 ones that just don't pass muster. And last and most importantly...have fun with it!

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RE: I wrote a poem! - 5/1/2011 8:47:46 PM

HannahLynHeather

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Wow! Thanks a lot for the kind words. It is the first poem I've ever written, and I will keep on trying. Hanners is going to buy me a big notebook to scribble in.

The first line was the hardest actually. originally it had a different beginning, but then I decided I wanted it to start and end with "Drifting, dreaming..." I just couldn't think of something evocative to say, till I thought of Hanners on the couch reading and smoking, and the way the smoke sort of just hangs in the still air above her.

Anway, thanks for reading it and for not tearing it apart. I have another I wrote, but its really strange, so I am reluctant to post it.

Heather

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clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

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RE: I wrote a poem! - 5/1/2011 9:00:22 PM

beinbluesbeech

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My eyes opened, my eyes closed
In darkness the memory of the words
are full thoughts and feelings
Thank you !

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RE: I wrote a poem! - 5/1/2011 10:11:16 PM

sirssubk2008

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quote:

As well it really paints the picture well. Each line depicts a clear picture of a moment or mood. And together they do tell a story effectively. Its really good, especially if, as you imply it's your first effort. I especially like the 2nd last line, that one is really good, it paints a picture of the aftermath of particularly exuberant sex perfectly in my mind.