From: Increasingly further from reality
I wouldn't say I'm an expert, but I have been writing poetry longer than you've been alive, and I do know a thing or two about it. The structure is unusual, and it must have been a pain keeping to it, well done. As well it really paints the picture well. Each line depicts a clear picture of a moment or mood. And together they do tell a story effectively. Its really good, especially if, as you imply it's your first effort. I especially like the 2nd last line, that one is really good, it paints a picture of the aftermath of particularly exuberant sex perfectly in my mind.
I hope you keep writing. However, don't tie yourself to this particular structure, each poem is its own thing, try different forms and styles, and don't worry if its any good, the crappy ones you just crumple up and toss. Nobody but you has to know about them. For every good one I write, there are anywhere from 5 to 10 ones that just don't pass muster. And last and most importantly...have fun with it!
Big man! Pig Man!
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Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?
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