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What can a newbie (male submissive) do - 10/9/2004 10:46:22 AM   
slaveforyou5


Posts: 1
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline 		Hi,
i am a submissive male looking for a DOM FEMALE for a real relationship. i am a newbie. However, once the DOM finds i have no experience other than my past vanilla relationships SHE immediately stops the dialogue.
What can i do to get past this to prove to HER that i will be submissive to HER and HER alone?
Thanks.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: What can a newbie (male submissive) do - 10/9/2004 10:58:19 AM   
EvilBitch


Posts: 9
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Not all dominants seek only experienced submissives. Many of us enjoy watching a newbie discover themselves while We take them to new levels. Keep trying. Look into joining groups in your area that meet in real life. This is the best way to meet people in a safe environment and to gain experience.
Mistress Terri

(in reply to slaveforyou5)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: What can a newbie (male submissive) do - 10/9/2004 11:20:04 AM   
anthrosub


Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline 		Please pardon my answering here since this is the "Ask a Mistress" section but i thought it might be helpful to throw in my two cents.

If you are a brand spanking new (no pun intended) submissive male entering this lifestyle, realize immediately that whatever assumptions you have are almost certain to be wrong. Engage in discussion, find resource BDSM sites that offer documents describing what it means to be submissive (there are several excellent threads here on Collarme discussing the topic). Prepare to have your patience tested beyond all previous limits. Finally, you might want to go get a copy of War and Peace.

anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to EvilBitch)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: What can a newbie (male submissive) do - 10/9/2004 12:15:40 PM   
EvilBitch


Posts: 9
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Finally, you might want to go get a copy of War and Peace.

Are you saying it will take him a long time to find someone or get a response. *wink

Your advice to him though I do agree,, learn as much as you can and then learn more. Try to discover as much as you can about yourself.

Mistress Terri

(in reply to anthrosub)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: What can a newbie (male submissive) do - 10/9/2004 1:19:49 PM   
LadyShoshin


Posts: 492
Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveforyou5

Hi,
i am a submissive male looking for a DOM FEMALE for a real relationship. i am a newbie. However, once the DOM finds i have no experience other than my past vanilla relationships SHE immediately stops the dialogue.
What can i do to get past this to prove to HER that i will be submissive to HER and HER alone?
Thanks.


Contact groups like http://members.tripod.com/~The_Mission/ and http://www.geocities.com/The_AlphaGroup/ to attend munches, workshops and events. Get involved with the lifestyle expecting only to learn more and grow.


_____________________________

PHLOX: “It’s unethical for a doctor to cause harm...I can inflict as much pain as I like.”

(in reply to slaveforyou5)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: What can a newbie (male submissive) do - 10/11/2004 6:25:37 PM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline 		The local munches are a very good idea. They give you a safe arena to talk face to face with people and maybe find someone willing to put the time into you. One big reason that so many Domme shy away from newbies is that newbies have submissive fantasy, rather than actually being submissive. A lot of men confuse those. Serving for real is different than in your fantasy. Not everything done to you will be what you would find erotic. It can also be very hard for a strong man to let go of his ego enough to truly serve. You'll not know if you're really a sub until you've tried it. Push has to come to shove to determine if you really have what it takes.. Nothing is quite as frustrating as putting time into someone, only to have them run screaming into the night when their fantasy is realized. Attending a munch shows that you are sincere in your desire to try out the lifestyle. Read up and know as much as you can about what you're getting into, but do not confuse "book learning" with experience. Remember to always be very polite and respectful when dealing with a Domme. Ask how she prefers to be addressed.. don't presume to call her Mistress. Many Domme feel that title is reserved for their personal subs. Do not make the mistake of telling a Domme what you want her to do to you.. (I call those shopping list subs and avoid them like the plague) Do not presume to tell a Domme that you're doing her the favor of letting her use you or fall into a submissive frenzy of offering yourself to any Domme that moves. I'm trying to think of other common mistakes made when subs contact me... Those are the ones that come to mind first. You do need to realize it takes a while to find a Domme. We are rare critters. I'd add a few more books to the reading list along with War and Peace.. Good Hunting

Beach

(in reply to slaveforyou5)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: What can a newbie (male submissive) do - 10/20/2004 10:07:20 AM   
MistresKatamaura


Posts: 34
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline 		There are many places that a submissive can go to meet people. I am one of the Dominants that look for experience. It is because a newbie might play once and decide it isn't for them. I say that is what professional dominants are for, newbies and married men.

Then when you know you like bdsm go to munches, events, and demos. I organize a munch in Brooklyn, NY. We get dominant, switch and submissive females, dominant and switch men. Rarely do we get any submissive men. Considering how many dominant females we do get.....You can do the math. So, in my opinion submissive men should get off the computer and go out to meet people.

Mistress Katamaura

(in reply to BeachMystress)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: What can a newbie (male submissive) do - 10/20/2004 10:55:04 AM   
MaitresseEden


Posts: 477
Joined: 8/8/2004
From: Houston, Texas
Status: offline 		ok.. here I go disagreeing again. While yes there is a myriad of information to be gained from going to munches and clubs, there is also a lot of bad garbage, disillusionment and misinformation out there. My advice to a new person is this:

Be real.. and be honest. Let the Domme know you havn't a clue but ask how you can get to know them and pick their brain. Offer to take them out to a nice dinner just to talk. Be a gentleman, bring flowers. a single rose, make it clear up front that your not expecting to be played, and that you are sincerely wanting to learn all you can.

However, be prepared Don't just sit there, be willing to engage in conversation.. because of the topic I would suggest a quiet resurant that offers so privacy for your conversation. (Mc Donald's is not what I'm thinking) Of course she will want to meet you there, and of course you had best not stand her up arrive early arrange to meet in the bar, should she stand you up.. your not obligated to dine.

She may take a fancy to you and want to tease you a bit, or she may not. If you sense a spark.. ask if you can take her to dinner another night soon.. You may even invite a femdom couple or something like such to see how they both view things.

Another option is to contact other submissive males in your area and arrange to get together with them for coffee, or lunch. Don't rule them out as a good resource, they may tell you who to avoid, or who to get to know.. or they may know of just the perfect Domme to introduce you to.

In general I advise newbies to shy away from all the organized groups as often they try to indoctrinate you into the "one great way" of thinking. ( I know I know.. there are exceptions) but in a nutshell there is often more "posturing" going on and very little reality. Also, some Pansexual clubs tend to be heavy on the male doms, and light on the femdoms which can be very uncomftable for Male Submissives, If you do venture out into a club, try to find one that is predominantly Femdom.

Just my .02

Ms. Eden

P. S. Another great thing about NEWBIES is that you can train them the way you want them to be.. those who don't like them often (not always) too lazy to train them.









< Message edited by MaitresseEden -- 10/20/2004 11:02:16 AM >

_____________________________

"If I didnt define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other peoples fantasies for me and eaten alive. - Audre Lorde"

(in reply to MistresKatamaura)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: What can a newbie (male submissive) do - 10/21/2004 4:11:53 AM   
UtahGoddess


Posts: 205
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Utah
Status: offline
I just want to say I agree with everything Ms Eden said.

Be real. Be honest. Be yourself.

Don't sell yourself short because you have little or no experience. Guiding a sub through their first experiences can be very rewarding. There is also the added bonus of not having to UNtrain you.

Sometimes experienced subs are so fixed in what "Mz So and So" used to do...or the way she did things, they are unable to accept a different way easily. The first step to learning is to accept you don't know. It is far easier to train than to retrain .

Ms Sandi

_____________________________

"The Masochist desires to experience stronger sensations, but desires that it should be inflicted with Love. The Sadist desires to inflict stronger sensations, but desires that it should be felt as Love" Havelock Ellis The Project Gutenberg

(in reply to MaitresseEden)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: What can a newbie (male submissive) do - 10/22/2004 5:18:55 PM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveforyou5

Hi,
i am a submissive male looking for a DOM FEMALE for a real relationship. i am a newbie. However, once the DOM finds i have no experience other than my past vanilla relationships SHE immediately stops the dialogue.
What can i do to get past this to prove to HER that i will be submissive to HER and HER alone?
Thanks.


Well, first I will say I agree with what everyone is telling you here, even though it seems a bit contradictory. On the one hand, you should check out your local scene. On the other hand, they can be heavily male dominated, and also sometimes narrow in their views of what is BDSM or D/s and what is not! So you have to keep a good head on your shoulders and be safe while filtering what is coming at you.
Now you say you want a REAL relationship. That means REAL TIME! So who are you having these dialogues with? If you are pestering Dommes online via email and chat, then, sorry, but they will get impatient. You might be coming off as seeking some free advice and training. Most of Us don't have time for it. A little of that goes a long way, and sucks up a lot of time.
I have looked at your profile. There is a ton of information online, in books, and on message boards like these. Sort through it. First you have to determine what really makes you feel the happiest and most fulfilled. There are as many opinions of what a D/s relationship is, as there are Dominas. But you will see the cross-over patterns and similar expectations come to the forefront over and over. It really is about the Domme, and not about you. Eventually, your limits will be stretched, hopefully under the right circumstances and with the right person. If you were in Az, I would be happy to have you take Me to dinner!
A final thought: Please, for crying out loud, stay out of the chatrooms. IMO, (go ahead and come at Me, E/everyone!) unless it is a private chatroom set up by a true Dom/me (and who even knows that! ), it is a bunch of wannabes spicing up their boring evening. More misinformation about this lifestyle is in the chatrooms than anywhere else. If they are REAL, why are they chatting? If you're living it, you don't have all that much time to chat or be on a webcam. Please note that I said chatROOMS...I am not including any agreement you may have for private IM chat while developing a relationship or exploring with Someone.

anthrosub!!! War & Peace??? LOL

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 10/22/2004 5:26:38 PM >

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom


(in reply to slaveforyou5)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: What can a newbie (male submissive) do - 10/22/2004 5:34:18 PM   
anthrosub


Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

anthrosub!!! War & Peace??? LOL


Just my way of keeping things light, Ma'am. Excellent advice by the way!

anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: What can a newbie (male submissive) do - 10/23/2004 10:07:35 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Considering I'm not searching for a submissive. I know that is one area that I will never have to search.

I can tell you from my own point of view when I was searching. I had spent ten years with my Dom. Which gave me quite a bit of real life experience. I would get Dominants responding to me who had 10-20-30-40 years in the lifestyle.
The single thing I noticed most. Is these people were very much into what they liked. Not what I liked but what they liked. So, having been trained by my own Dom to do things a certain way. I had to face a harash reality of changing most of who I was for a single person.
I realized early on that I needed a Dominant who was fairly new and open minded himself. Someone who I could learn together with. Someone who I could mesh my own likes and his likes with. Come to some sort of neutral understanding in the negotiation process.
Hence 5 years of searching later a Dom with 4 years of experience came my way. The rest is history. He is now entering his tenth year in the lifestyle and things couldnt be better.

If I were a Dom, I think I'd relish the idea of having fresh clay to mold in any way I so desired.

(in reply to slaveforyou5)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: What can a newbie (male submissive) do - 10/23/2004 10:31:32 AM   
MsDemmie


Posts: 19
Joined: 10/22/2004
From: Devon England
Status: offline 		Excellent advice given here.

Best place to meet real life people is in real life situations - join your local communities, go to munches , fetish fairs clubs and events.
Learn from your peer group - listen to how other male submissives found thier partners. IF you use on-line resources, make your adverts effective , take time to learn complimentary skills such as massage , aromatherapy, cooking, poetry, music ...... find a way to make yourself different from all the other newbie male subs out there seeking a Mistress.

Good Luck .............

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 13
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