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RE: getting acquainted online--safety issue - 5/5/2011 6:16:19 PM

jewelsthepoet

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yes, but how many people are going to express good judgement if the guy seems "nice" after only knowing them through a few emails or chats? Not as many as you would think, even among those that are highly intelligent.

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RE: getting acquainted online--safety issue - 5/5/2011 6:26:55 PM

BonesFromAsh

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jewelsthepoet

yes, but how many people are going to express good judgement if the guy seems "nice" after only knowing them through a few emails or chats? Not as many as you would think, even among those that are highly intelligent.

Which brings us back to RedMagic's suggestion of avoiding expectations by meeting someone sooner rather than later. I'd rather meet a man in person and get to know him over time face to face where I can watch body language and his behavior in public instead of allowing for smooth talking and flowery words shared via email for months.

By meeting after a few emails, I have the opportunity to get to know the person and not just his "suave devil" words.

That being said...I'm starting to realize that most folks online get off on that kind of smooth interaction...The "second life" lifestyle is easier and safer for some.

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RE: getting acquainted online--safety issue - 5/6/2011 6:43:20 AM

EclipseAbove

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I agree that a safe meeting sooner is better than waiting until later. Just in setting up the meeting, you can learn so much about the person you are going to meet. A predator will attempt to change the circumstances of a safe meet - they want a favorable environment. If you insist on a pic (face shot) in advance, that they bring ID, tell them you have set up a safe call, make the location a busy public place (a coffee shop is great), set a limited duration and schedule it so they don't have a week to prepare (meet tomorrow), you'll scare off the crazies, flakes and predators. You'll also be able to see them coming when they try to change the circumstances - "daytime doesn't work for me" or "I need a weeks notice" or "No pics, you'll know me because I'll be wearing X".

It is entirely too easy to fool someone if the only contact you have is through text.

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RE: getting acquainted online--safety issue - 5/6/2011 10:35:31 AM

sunshinemiss

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jewelsthepoet

yes, but how many people are going to express good judgement if the guy seems "nice" after only knowing them through a few emails or chats? Not as many as you would think, even among those that are highly intelligent.

So giving them time to fantasize in their heads is better? Because that is, for better or worse, what people do. In the absence of real information, people will fill in the gaps from their own minds. You must see them as real. And then trust your gut.

There are a lot of seemingly nice people in the world, but when your gut says "It just ain't right", then it just ain't right.

You meet in public, see how they interact with the waitress, with the people at the next table, etc.

Terrible things happen - even to good people. (G*d knows I know). But it does not mean that we should hide behind our computers. Life is for living. That doesn't mean get in a van with a person you don't know, it doesn't mean meet for a romantic walk by the river, it doesn't mean giving your info up. It means living in wisdom, trusting yourself, and being assertive enough to walk away, get help, throw the first punch, whatever is necessary.

best,
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*and of course... my plug for The Gift of fear by Gavin DeBecker. The best book in the world about this topic.

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RE: getting acquainted online--safety issue - 5/6/2011 4:25:25 PM

DomImus

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I'm not actively meeting folks but when I was I had no problem with phone conversations. I'd really prefer to use Skype. My cell phone is my only phone and I have had this number for years and would like to not have to change it. I have a webcam that is not currently installed on my new pc but that's an easy fix. Skype supports webcam, also.

I am an advocate of trading pics - large, well lit, sharply focused and recent. I like for people to know what I look like up front and also to know what they look like. There are people out there for whom physical attraction means nothing but I am not one of those people and that aside I like to have a visual idea of who I am talking to and meeting. The actual pic is not really the point. The unwillingness to trade is the point. I'm still going to meet the person because a snapshot is just a snapshot. But I like to have a few just the same.

Safety? Just meet someplace public. In an overwhelming majority of cases that is enough to secure your safety. If you draw the Ted Bundy jackpot then no amount of care or caution is probably going to adequately protect you. If the long odds of drawing the elusive Ted Bundy jackpot concern you then stay home and don't meet people.

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RE: getting acquainted online--safety issue - 5/7/2011 10:13:20 AM

wandersalone

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jewelsthepoet

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

My advice is just the opposite of SelectiveLight, I am afraid. Meet in real life, fast, preferably within seven days of first email contact. People who show up without "expecting" anything are much more likely to be playing you straight.

This is absolutely unsafe for a woman and some men. You don't know who the heck you're meeting, could be a mass muderer or a rapist or a thief. 7 days is absolutely not enough time to gauge whether it's safe to meet someone or not

Oh good grief? How is meeting someone for a coffee in a public place any different to going to the pub and striking up a conversation with someone, or is that too dangerous to do as well?

I am in favour of the quick meet, I have met people over the past ten or more years that I have never talked with on the phone, I have met people whom I had never seen photos of and I have met people after only exchanging a couple of emails. I have never asked for or seen their drivers licence or anything like that and apart from excusing myself a couple of times after one coffee because I was afraid I would die of interminable boredom, I managed to survive quite well thanks.

I always trust my instincts and use my common sense. I don't have safe calls (I did in the very beginning) but figure that if needed I could probably do something like ...oh I don't know, get up and excuse myself from the table, pay my bill and leave. It isn't rocket science is it?

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RE: getting acquainted online--safety issue - 5/7/2011 10:52:22 AM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh

quote:

ORIGINAL: jewelsthepoet

yes, but how many people are going to express good judgement if the guy seems "nice" after only knowing them through a few emails or chats? Not as many as you would think, even among those that are highly intelligent.

Which brings us back to RedMagic's suggestion of avoiding expectations by meeting someone sooner rather than later. I'd rather meet a man in person and get to know him over time face to face where I can watch body language and his behavior in public instead of allowing for smooth talking and flowery words shared via email for months.

By meeting after a few emails, I have the opportunity to get to know the person and not just his "suave devil" words.

That being said...I'm starting to realize that most folks online get off on that kind of smooth interaction...The "second life" lifestyle is easier and safer for some.

Play devil's advocate here - predator types are impatient, and if they have to go through a long screening process they may be more inclined to move on to another woman. It also makes it harder to keep manufacturing lies. I am not saying keep a long, drawn out email exchange; my preference is to move from text to voice asap if I think it might be a man I would meet. Long conversations voice to voice tell a lot more than text.

You also can tell a lot about a person by learning about their friends and family, career and co workers. If the stories are not consistent and don't add up, you can tell they are manufacturing a fake history.

Akasha

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RE: getting acquainted online--safety issue - 5/7/2011 3:08:59 PM

BonesFromAsh

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Play devil's advocate here - predator types are impatient, and if they have to go through a long screening process they may be more inclined to move on to another woman. It also makes it harder to keep manufacturing lies.

I'll give you that but, being able to watch a person's body language and eye contact (or lack thereof ) can also be a very good indicator in regards to lies. If we're talking about "predator types", I know very few detectives who'll interview a suspect over the phone.

quote:

I am not saying keep a long, drawn out email exchange; my preference is to move from text to voice asap if I think it might be a man I would meet. Long conversations voice to voice tell a lot more than text.

Skype is good for that...voice and visual. Unfortunately, I've learned any mention of visual; ie. webcam or Skype, generally gives men the impression a bit of cybering is going to take place. It can be another good way to weed out the undesireables.

quote:

You also can tell a lot about a person by learning about their friends and family, career and co workers. If the stories are not consistent and don't add up, you can tell they are manufacturing a fake history.

Akasha

I can't even begin to tell you some of the "interesting" characters I've met who gave me a good line, both via email and phone chats, only to have it blow up in their face when I see that "just a few years older than my photo" actually means "yes, I'm also in denial regarding our age difference"...to use one very benign example. Let's not even start on the horder who said he just needed a bit of help with housekeeping or, in a funny example, the man who said he loved cats who started to sneeze like mad when I walked up to the table in the cafe where we were meeting. He asked if I had any pets because he was allergic to cats.

I have three and mention them up front for that reason.

Suffice it to say that for me and due to my own experience with meeting people from an online environment, sooner rather than later along with phone or Skype chats works best.

< Message edited by BonesFromAsh -- 5/7/2011 3:14:12 PM >

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RE: getting acquainted online--safety issue - 5/7/2011 3:28:22 PM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jewelsthepoet

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

My advice is just the opposite of SelectiveLight, I am afraid. Meet in real life, fast, preferably within seven days of first email contact. People who show up without "expecting" anything are much more likely to be playing you straight.

This is absolutely unsafe for a woman and some men. You don't know who the heck you're meeting, could be a mass muderer or a rapist or a thief. 7 days is absolutely not enough time to gauge whether it's safe to meet someone or not

I'd much rather go the quickly meeting in person route somewhere out in public then to drag things out online. Getting to know someone in a cyber manner over a long period of time means I get invested in them and may get attached before really finding out if I like them or not. Quite honestly you can die in your own home by accident or by driving to work everyday, taking basic safety precautions with new people are wise but there isn't any magic formula or period of time to abide by.

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RE: getting acquainted online--safety issue - 5/7/2011 5:16:56 PM

ResidentSadist

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Yes, I have gone through the initial exchange of information, the proverbial "20 questions" found no red flags and then had someone disappear when it came time for voice or video.

I progress quickly . . . fuck all that "give it time to get to know someone" shit. Either you have common goals and mutual attraction or you don't. You can fish that out of the mix pretty quickly. Next step is in person contact. In my world, scheduling personal contact should happen in the first week or so.

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RE: getting acquainted online--safety issue - 5/10/2011 12:32:21 PM

tyrasia

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~FR

18 months ago i calculated the force of attraction between my Owner at the time, and since this force increases as distance squared decreases, it makes sense to me that the best way to gain information is thru observation, and interaction. With that said, my personal stance is i don't mind the cam. i don't get naked....often. Only Friends see PG and up anyways.

tyr

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RE: getting acquainted online--safety issue - 5/12/2011 8:06:18 PM

jewelsthepoet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

quote:

ORIGINAL: jewelsthepoet

yes, but how many people are going to express good judgement if the guy seems "nice" after only knowing them through a few emails or chats? Not as many as you would think, even among those that are highly intelligent.

So giving them time to fantasize in their heads is better? Because that is, for better or worse, what people do. In the absence of real information, people will fill in the gaps from their own minds. You must see them as real. And then trust your gut.

There are a lot of seemingly nice people in the world, but when your gut says "It just ain't right", then it just ain't right.

You meet in public, see how they interact with the waitress, with the people at the next table, etc.

Terrible things happen - even to good people. (G*d knows I know). But it does not mean that we should hide behind our computers. Life is for living. That doesn't mean get in a van with a person you don't know, it doesn't mean meet for a romantic walk by the river, it doesn't mean giving your info up. It means living in wisdom, trusting yourself, and being assertive enough to walk away, get help, throw the first punch, whatever is necessary.

best,
sunshine

*and of course... my plug for The Gift of fear by Gavin DeBecker. The best book in the world about this topic.

Yes, you are right that some people do fantasize about what may come of what they read in the emails. For me, it's much easier to screen out someone through email than it is to waste my time meeting someone in person and finding out in 10 minutes that i got all dolled up for nothing. I can weed out 85% or better of the ones that simply are not compatible with a few emails, though i spend longer time with people on emails who seem worth my while but my gut doesn't tell me one way or the other... i usually wait at least 2-6 weeks before meeting someone in person, though i have waited nearly 3 years before, when communicating through email, ims and phone. But he also lived in another country. (we ended up together 7 1/2 years before calling it quits)

I'm not afraid to meet people from offline, but i want to get a decent read on them before i do, so i have an idea of what to watch out for when i do meet them and have certain things to say regarding things we've spoken about previously.

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RE: getting acquainted online--safety issue - 5/12/2011 8:11:40 PM

jewelsthepoet

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh

quote:

ORIGINAL: jewelsthepoet

yes, but how many people are going to express good judgement if the guy seems "nice" after only knowing them through a few emails or chats? Not as many as you would think, even among those that are highly intelligent.

Which brings us back to RedMagic's suggestion of avoiding expectations by meeting someone sooner rather than later. I'd rather meet a man in person and get to know him over time face to face where I can watch body language and his behavior in public instead of allowing for smooth talking and flowery words shared via email for months.

By meeting after a few emails, I have the opportunity to get to know the person and not just his "suave devil" words.

That being said...I'm starting to realize that most folks online get off on that kind of smooth interaction...The "second life" lifestyle is easier and safer for some.

Play devil's advocate here - predator types are impatient, and if they have to go through a long screening process they may be more inclined to move on to another woman. It also makes it harder to keep manufacturing lies. I am not saying keep a long, drawn out email exchange; my preference is to move from text to voice asap if I think it might be a man I would meet. Long conversations voice to voice tell a lot more than text.

You also can tell a lot about a person by learning about their friends and family, career and co workers. If the stories are not consistent and don't add up, you can tell they are manufacturing a fake history.

Akasha

Exactly. And after having been stalked a few times from meeting people in public and having to call the police because your life was endanger even though you followed all the safety protocol has taught me to spend more time interacting online where the conversation can be ended, the person blocked long before i have to worry if the guy is sneaking off to follow me back to my house when i leave, or waiting till he leaves first, only to find he's been waiting somewhere to see when i leave and where i go. You get some guy beating on your door at 3 am threatening to kill you if you don't let him in a time or two and you tend to be more cautious

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RE: getting acquainted online--safety issue - 5/13/2011 6:13:57 PM

sunshinemiss

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Well, Jewels the poet,
I suppose it's good you weren't born in the 1950s or before.
good luck,
sunshine

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RE: getting acquainted online--safety issue - 5/13/2011 7:14:50 PM

NuevaVida

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~ Fast Reply ~

People do what they need to do, to feel safe. I don't really see a right or wrong in that. For some, it's meeting right away. For others, it's taking time to meet. I don't understand why this is being debated.

The Mister happily waited as long as he did, because I didn't want to talk on the phone right away or meet right away. I knew it could cost me his attention but I was ok with that. I wasn't willing to put myself through unnecessary discomfort for somebody I really didn't know. If he didn't like that and needed to move on, that was ok with me.

As it was, we emailed only (no Skype, no IM, no cam) for about a month before getting on the phone, then talked on the phone for about a month before meeting. By the time we met, we both felt we knew plenty about the other, and felt a good connection going on. By the time we met, we were interested in the possibility of perusing a relationship with each other, based on what we had learned about each other.

In less than 2 weeks we'll be celebrating 2 joy filled years since that first dinner. I'd say things worked out pretty well for us, even though we waited to meet.

Some people want to meet right away to see if there's a connection. Some people want to wait, to see if an interest and sense of comfort grows before meeting. It's a personal decision - no right, no wrong.

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RE: getting acquainted online--safety issue - 5/16/2011 9:26:19 PM

CookieSlave

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quote:

This is absolutely unsafe for a woman and some men. You don't know who the heck you're meeting, could be a mass muderer or a rapist or a thief. 7 days is absolutely not enough time to gauge whether it's safe to meet someone or not

But... I can tell you(and I'm sure others can too) that there is no safe time frame anyway. You can think you "know" someone for a year, or 4 years and be "wrong".

Most recently I found someone(or he found me?) that made me very happy. To make a long story short, nearly a year into the.. relationship or whatever it was, it is over and I'm not sure what just happened. I am now questioning what I might have done wrong, what might have happened, who he really is, what his motives really were, how well(or if) I ever really knew him, if anything he told me was truth, what signs I might have missed(of whatever?!)along the way.. and mostly.. why didn't I know better?

Now I am right back where I was before I met him. I want to meet someone great, someone I can spend time with and enjoy and get a little thrill from, who wants the same from me. BUT I'm too damned scared of what I don't know about people or what could happen, to even have a sane, friendly email conversation with someone without sounding like a suspicious shrew, to ever get beyond emails anyway.

Bottom line, I find it safer and easier to just do nothing. Stay here where it's relatively peaceful and unthreatening. ;-)

-cs

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RE: getting acquainted online--safety issue - 9/11/2011 2:47:52 PM

coupletoownyoupa

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I actually started talking to a girl on here and wanted to hear others thoughts. She turned out to be in the UK and wanted me to send money to what appears to be another females name in the UK. She sent pics and seems to be in a rush to find a master. I'm not getting a good feeling bout this. Its a bit less than a 1000 dollars which is probably just a tad more than the actual ticket to get here. She is very pretty but i've known her like maybe a week and not feeling good about sending money to someone who seems both in a hurry and saying her passport is expired but she can get a new one in just a few days. i've demanded a picture of a passport or something before i spend a dime. reasonable?

< Message edited by coupletoownyoupa -- 9/11/2011 2:48:36 PM >

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RE: getting acquainted online--safety issue - 9/11/2011 2:59:09 PM

fragilepieces

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quote:

i've demanded a picture of a passport or something before i spend a dime. reasonable?

No, I wouldn't even bother sending them a SASE.

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RE: getting acquainted online--safety issue - 9/11/2011 5:14:52 PM

BonesFromAsh

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quote:

ORIGINAL: coupletoownyoupa

I actually started talking to a girl on here and wanted to hear others thoughts. She turned out to be in the UK and wanted me to send money to what appears to be another females name in the UK. She sent pics and seems to be in a rush to find a master. I'm not getting a good feeling bout this. Its a bit less than a 1000 dollars which is probably just a tad more than the actual ticket to get here. She is very pretty but i've known her like maybe a week and not feeling good about sending money to someone who seems both in a hurry and saying her passport is expired but she can get a new one in just a few days. i've demanded a picture of a passport or something before i spend a dime. reasonable?

DO NOT SEND MONEY TO OTHER USERS FOR ANY REASON!

Seriously, did you fail to see this message at the top of the page when you read "her" email?

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RE: getting acquainted online--safety issue - 9/11/2011 5:45:58 PM

Killerangel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: coupletoownyoupa

I actually started talking to a girl on here and wanted to hear others thoughts. She turned out to be in the UK and wanted me to send money to what appears to be another females name in the UK. She sent pics and seems to be in a rush to find a master. I'm not getting a good feeling bout this. Its a bit less than a 1000 dollars which is probably just a tad more than the actual ticket to get here. She is very pretty but i've known her like maybe a week and not feeling good about sending money to someone who seems both in a hurry and saying her passport is expired but she can get a new one in just a few days. i've demanded a picture of a passport or something before i spend a dime. reasonable?

What this other person thinks is that it's crazy that you ever thought this was a legit offer in any way, shape, or form. Even if she comes up with a passport photo, unless you have a $1,000 to throw away it's a scam. What are you going to do and who are you going to report this too when she turns up taking your money? Are you going to tell authorities that you were trying to buy a slave? Of course she's very pretty, gotta have good bait.

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