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Arpig -> RE: My 2nd poem (5/12/2011 11:07:22 PM)
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It's a fucking weird one alright Heather. That being said, I like where you were trying to go. But the juxtapositions fall apart in places. You abandon them altogether in places without any pattern to it.
A lot of the imagery rings with symbolism. I especially like the repetition of "and pretend for me". To me that shows up the way we often cover up parts of ourselves for the sake of the relationship.
Individually, there's a lot if REALLY good lines:
~The 1st lines from the 1st, 3rd, 4th, & 5th stanzas
~Show me all I'm not and what we'll never be.
~Chain me here to your world and thereby set me free
~Please become my predator, let my need make me your prey
~Turn me upside down and inside out, tell me how much I have to pay
~Tell me what I really think using only words we cannot say
~Lead me from this wilderness when you're too blind to see
In all honesty, I'd file this one in the "not quite" folder either start all over with your basic sweet/pretend idea, or build other poems around the really good lines.
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