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how does one ask for references? - 10/10/2004 4:50:07 PM

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Okay.... this may sound like a really silly question... (and my answer may be on the boards somewhere... if it is.... i'm sorry, but i did look first.)

How do i ask for a reference? i have been talking to someone for a while now... and he wants to meet (and i would like to meet him as well) and i know one of the things they say you should always ask for are references and such, and i think it would make me more at ease to have them as well... but how do i ask without making it seem like i don't trust or something? or being impolite?

am i going overboard by wanting these when all we are doing is meeting and nothing more?

RE: how does one ask for references? - 10/10/2004 7:23:19 PM

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I'll skip the overboard question for now, but as to how to ask for references, if this is important to you, then try this: "I always ask for references before I meet anyone, could you please give me a few?"
I love people who ask for references, it shows me that they are thinking, and do care about being careful with who they meet. Also, the request will also tell you a bit about the person, no matter what the outcome. If he apologizes for not doing it first, then happily provides you with some (legit) ones, then it's a clue that he cares about his rep as well (not a failsafe, of course, but a hint at least) If he is offended, or tries to make you feel that your request is impolite, or showing a lack of trust, etc. then to me that would be a big red flag. What is he worried over? Is he trying to pull a fast one? Does he not have a good repute? Does he not like the idea that you are looking out for your safety??
So as you see, I don't think it's overboard at all. You have to be responsible to take care of yourself in a situation like this.
Eric

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(in reply to nessie02)

RE: how does one ask for references? - 10/10/2004 7:33:09 PM

stormiKnightBEAR

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quote:

ORIGINAL: nessie02

Okay.... this may sound like a really silly question... (and my answer may be on the boards somewhere... if it is.... i'm sorry, but i did look first.)

How do i ask for a reference? i have been talking to someone for a while now... and he wants to meet (and i would like to meet him as well) and i know one of the things they say you should always ask for are references and such, and i think it would make me more at ease to have them as well... but how do i ask without making it seem like i don't trust or something? or being impolite?

am i going overboard by wanting these when all we are doing is meeting and nothing more?

this is very simple nessie.

Simply be upfront. He may very well appreciate your honesty and being up front. If not then this girl would RUN to the nearest exit.

Just say " Sir, i (this girl) accepts your invitation. Please understand i (this girl) will have safe calls to make to ensure both our safety. And Sir, i (this girl) hopes you will understand when she ask you for references that can be checked, i (this girl) will be happy to provide you with references as well."

It's that simple

(BTW, do not tell him who you are calling or at what times or if they are calling you. It's wise to set up a code sentence or answer a question a certain way if you are unsure of the Dom or sub in order to get some back up to leave if needed.)

Of course again if the Dom bucks at either of those suggestions.... RUN

Thanks for the question. Good Luck

stormi
property of Master Bear

_____________________________

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PROUD TO BE TEXAN AND AMERICAN BY BIRTH~
GOD BLESS TEXAS AND THE U.S.A !!!!

(in reply to nessie02)

RE: how does one ask for references? - 10/10/2004 8:10:04 PM

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I have to agree with Tahoe and Stormi, just outright ask for them. If he is on the up and up what does the Dom have to hide?

Communication is fundamental in any good relationship. Might as well start out the right way, right?

(in reply to nessie02)

RE: how does one ask for references? - 10/10/2004 8:49:56 PM

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If you are planning to meet someone you may want to read through this thread first:

first meeting guidelines

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

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(in reply to nessie02)

RE: how does one ask for references? - 10/10/2004 9:20:10 PM

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From: Calgary, Alberta
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this slave first spoke to the Dom she met R/L at the beginning of the year online, via another Dom she knows, checked Him out in the community where He lives and where she lives. got great references including His then slave who was with Him at the meeting when W/we did meet at a Second Cup not far from where this slave lives. she had safe calls in place, had her cell with her at all times, had sent Him her limits worksheet and a questionaire, answered all His questions, emailed Him questions, and again checked in the communites where W/we live to see what if anything she should be concerned about. upon getting no bad reviews of this Dom, W/we met and had a good chat, this slave has seen Him once since then and it was at a local munche she goes to weekly and it was a good meeting.

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(in reply to nessie02)

RE: how does one ask for references? - 10/11/2004 8:28:32 AM

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thank you TahoeSadist, stormiKnightBEAR, sub4hire, proudsub, and cariad for answering me. i knew i had to ask, wanted to ask and should ask, but words don't always come to this one very easily..... and could have sat here for hours thinking of what to say or how to say it.... and wondering if being upfront about it would have been rude... which is the last thing i want to be.

Thank you so much for your time, advice, information, and for confirming my thoughts.

Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!

(in reply to cariad)

RE: how does one ask for references? - 10/12/2004 9:04:04 PM

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Hello nessie02,

In a community which tends to consider itself to lie somewhere outside the "norm" (whatever that means) and lacking any governing structure, it will be rather difficult most times to really get a good "reference."

I would tend to say that anybody unwilling to share who their personal information (primarily contact info) and is unwilling to give you the information you need, or things you need to do (like safe calls) to feel comfortable is somebody I would not recommend spending time meeting.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy

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David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to nessie02)

RE: how does one ask for references? - 10/13/2004 6:18:07 AM

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Joined: 1/5/2004
From: New York
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quote:

ORIGINAL: nessie02

Okay.... this may sound like a really silly question... (and my answer may be on the boards somewhere... if it is.... i'm sorry, but i did look first.)

How do i ask for a reference? i have been talking to someone for a while now... and he wants to meet (and i would like to meet him as well) and i know one of the things they say you should always ask for are references and such, and i think it would make me more at ease to have them as well... but how do i ask without making it seem like i don't trust or something? or being impolite?

am i going overboard by wanting these when all we are doing is meeting and nothing more?

Nessie02,

Hi, others have provided some very coherent answers to your questions. What I would like to add is a possible list of acceptable references and similar information that maybe you should request before agreeing to any meeting, and some thoughts about the types of references you may receive and what to do with them:

Real, verifiable contact information. To include:
- Telephone Numbers (test them!) – yes people ARE foolish enough to give out fake phone numbers. You can also use http://www.reversephonedirectory.com/ to verify that a given phone number belongs to who they say it does.
- Address (Use Mapquest or another mapping service to verify)
- Emergancy Contact Information: In case something happens to him during the meeting – apply the above tests to this information as well.
Names, telephone numbers, email addresses of members of his local BDSM community who can vouch for him. If telephone numbers are not available and all you have are email addresses – use them. Send them each an email explaining why you are contacting them – and offer them a phone number where they can contact you. That way you can be sure the email address is REAL and that the “slave/sub/whatever” on the other end of the email address is a real person rather than another alias of the person you are checking on. Preferably of the opposite sex.
Beware of “online” only references – they are worse than useless. Others may have been duped or may have only seen his/her online persona. Knowing someone online for a year isn’t even equivalent to 5 minute face to face meeting.

Also you should be prepared to give the same information in return. The short version? Trust but Verify! Always. If something "seems" out of place then trust your instincts. Proper vetting will keep you safer in the long run.

Peace and Light
Terry

(in reply to nessie02)

RE: how does one ask for references? - 10/13/2004 6:22:33 AM

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From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
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If he is the least bit experienced at all, he's dealt with the whole references question before. It is as necessary and can be as hard to approach as asking for a copy of the last complete STD test someone had. There are a lot more players out there than honest people. The honest people understand that and are not offended when you want a safecall/ references/ STD testing.

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(in reply to nessie02)

RE: how does one ask for references? - 10/14/2004 3:04:03 PM

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thank you to all who took the time to reply.

i did in fact meet him

, and all of it went fine (except for me being extremely nervous of course.)

(in reply to BeachMystress)

RE: how does one ask for references? - 10/15/2004 11:00:17 AM

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In the case of references, vanilla references are acceptable as a indication of character.

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How would you know?

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RE: how does one ask for references? - 10/15/2004 3:59:05 PM

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It's good to read that you had a good meet.

All of the points made here are good ones. I would only like to add that while I am pleased that there is no problem in asking for information. it is a most telling sign when they are offered first. Of course, as pointed out, it is also telling when there are objections to the request.

newflowers

(in reply to sub4hire)

RE: how does one ask for references? - 10/23/2004 8:28:40 PM

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References? There is a reason why most of us use pseudonyms in the community. The time is not long past were we had police raiding clubs and trying to get membership records. And I know several people who have lost children because their ex-spouse got a hold of "references" and used that information against them in court.

If you really want references, go to where he plays and socializes in the scene. Find out how he interacts with those he does not play with. Find out how leaders in his community view him. Does he volunteer in his local community? What does he give back?

Remember, people give you references because they know that someone is going to say something good about them. Would you give a reference that you knew was going to say something bad about you? Of course not. Neither will he.

_____________________________

"The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong
about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly
taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time."
-George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to newflowers)

RE: how does one ask for references? - 10/23/2004 11:44:48 PM

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References to meet on a date? Are any of his references really going to tell you he is a weirdo? Why not just meet in a public place and see how you both click?
To be honest, I'm not sure I would meet someone who needed references first. It's something that actually has never even come up in my experience.

(in reply to Nagatzhul)

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