RE: Interesting take on aftercare (Full Version)

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LafayetteLady -> RE: Interesting take on aftercare (5/20/2011 3:34:52 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

it is the spectator who believes they have the RIGHT to complain about what they saw that gets me.


Maybe if they paid the couple in question before they performed next time, they would get the exact performance they were after[:)]


I think my "ballot" idea might take off for a great party theme! Pay for your vote and get what you want, lol.



juliaoceania -> RE: Interesting take on aftercare (5/20/2011 3:57:36 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
Aftercare is often put in terms of what the bottom wants or needs, but tops want and need it too, sometimes. Some tops feel the need for human connection after they beat their partner senseless, they need a soft landing from top space. If I am with someone, and our aftercare needs are extremely different, and even antithetical to one another (he wants to cuddle, I wanna be alone), well that is a relationship problem, because someone isn't getting their emotional needs met within the context of the relationship

Thank you, some people don't seem to get this.



During play it can be very intense, and the energy that is expended and exchanged when it is a particularly intense scene sometimes needs both people to connect to come down off of it...

Not that everyone does or should feel that way, but that has been my experience



VaguelyCurious -> RE: Interesting take on aftercare (5/20/2011 4:07:36 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

If you play in public because getting spectators is your "thing" (lots of exhibitionists in the world, no harm in it), don't you in some ways invite critiques of your performance?

Critiques? Possibly.

Vocal criticism when your partner is in a shaky state of mind, effectively ruining their experience? Not in my opinion. Noise in the area where you're scening is a part of your scene, and I think it's reasonable to expect spectators not to talk about you within hearing. I've told people to back off or shut up where we can hear them before.

Invasion of space to try and give aftercare in your stead? No way. Once a newbie tried to touch my (sobbing) playpartner right when we'd finished. I hit her hand away gently, but that's only because I pulled the strike at the last moment - my reflexive action was just to *get her away* as fast as possible. Had I not pulled back and therefore hit her hand as hard as I was about to? I wouldn't have felt bad at all.



popularDemand -> RE: Interesting take on aftercare (5/20/2011 4:34:32 PM)

Spit on it.

all better

pD



SubmitIt -> RE: Interesting take on aftercare (5/20/2011 5:22:30 PM)

When I've played, relationship based, aftercare was a massive part of it, and it cemented our feelings for each other, which I enjoyed.

Some non-relationship based play, the aftercare was non-existent, and I didn't have huge desire to play with them again, and then when I played with another, who did some aftercare (mainly ensuring I didn't fall over, and holding me) then I did feel it helped bond things somewhat and made me more receptive to them going forward.

But that's me. I believe it's probably personal, and that you should discuss it before hand, so it works for you both.



NuevaVida -> RE: Interesting take on aftercare (5/20/2011 5:22:50 PM)

It seems like this “article” was written with only public play in mind, so I can’t speak to that.  But I can speak to my personal views and experience with after care.

I was used to not having after care.  The ex owner never provided it, and often went home when I was still lying in a heap on the floor.  I hated this, and it would take me days to recover from some of his sadistic pleasures, but I learned how to recover on my own.  I still hated it, but it was required of me.

So when the Mister and I got together, he would start taking care of me after “play” – and I felt really awkward by it.  I told him he didn’t have to do that, that it was my job to do that.  Well, he set me straight.  He made it crystal clear that his use of me means his responsibility to get me back into shape, period, the end, and that he LIKES doing these things and it’s not up to me to tell him what he can and can’t do.

So yeah, sometimes he’s changing the sheets.  He brings me cold water and feeds it to me.  He holds me.  He tucks me into bed.  He pampers me, because that’s his own aftercare to himself, as well as me.  His choice.

Personally, I don’t “need” it, but I find I really thrive a lot more WITH it.  And he wants us both to thrive.

As others have said, we are each other’s responsibility.  We look out for each other.  He takes care of me after enjoying his sadistic pleasures, and while he’s doing so, I wrap my arms around him and rub his neck and stroke his hair and ask him if he needs anything.  We’re in this together, and whatever we go through – pleasure, pain, happy, sad, highs, lows, (my) beatings, and care – we do together.



Hisprettybaby -> RE: Interesting take on aftercare (5/20/2011 5:35:52 PM)

~FR~
I agree that aftercare shouldn't be required. I think it should be up to the people involved in the scene whether there should be any and what it consists of. With Daddy and I, the aftercare is as much for him as it is for me. Even though I'm really subspacey afterward, I also think ahead to make sure he has what he needs afterward.....something to drink because he's exhausted and thirsty, a quiet place to rest.....it's not just about me at all. That's just what we've agreed on.

~Hisprettybaby~



salisburyPTsub -> RE: Interesting take on aftercare (5/20/2011 5:39:50 PM)

I just recently started going to a local dungeon and was surprised at the aftercare with the blankets and such, I had never saw (or experienced) such a thing.......thanks for sharing this post.



Aynne88 -> RE: Interesting take on aftercare (5/20/2011 8:53:27 PM)


I hate being coddled or catered to afterwards. We don't play or do anything in public though, but still...no matter how intense our experience is, I just usually want to be left alone.  It feels fake or something, I don't know, I just want time to regroup. However, I also don't like cuddling after sex either or a lot of typical female things. I prefer to just go to sleep and not be touched. I know, I'm cold that way. [;)].



coookie -> RE: Interesting take on aftercare (5/20/2011 9:11:04 PM)

aftercare does not include specifically coddling or catering. It could be that a good 15 minute conversation is aftercare.



Aileen1968 -> RE: Interesting take on aftercare (5/21/2011 3:15:57 AM)

I'm one of those that doesn't need aftercare in any form.
Sometimes he'll do mean and nasty things and then we'll go to sleep.
Sometimes he'll do mean and nasty things and then we'll both go back to work.
Sometimes he'll do mean and nasty things and I'll go cook dinner or clean or watch tv.
Sometimes he'll do mean and nasty things and I'll go pack the cooler and we'll spend the day on the boat.
Or go out to dinner. Or to a movie. Or read a book. You get the idea.

I suppose all of those things are some form of aftercare, but to me it falls under the category of being in a healthy, caring relationship.




DeviantlyD -> RE: Interesting take on aftercare (5/21/2011 4:29:36 AM)

I don't know if I need aftercare, I just know I like it. :)

Gee, SherynB seems a tad angry. Maybe she needs someone to give her a cuddle. :D

quote:

Like everything else in BDSM the presence, intensity and duration of "aftercare" is a preference. No more, no less. One that should be worked out between the parties involved.


Hmm...that just sounds like common sense to me. *shrugs*

I can't say I agree with SherynB's definition of aftercare. It doesn't always entail softness and cuddling. So I suppose I'm being a bit of a stickler with her use of that definition. ;)






Sunny27 -> RE: Interesting take on aftercare (5/21/2011 8:22:56 AM)

"Furthermore, it's not a unique trait among masochists...particularly emotional masochists...but one for which their partners are often unfairly vilified."

The above being what you think is so wrong as my dom is an emotional masochistand people from the scene that know, that he's the dom and that I'm his sub that he gives me brilliant aftercare.
I think if your an emotional masochist you now that after spanking,flogging, paddling, whiping, caning your sub that its normal to give your sub aftercare.
When the Dom is telling them what to do the whole time it's very much a case that they'll need aftercare like fater a session/scene with them you can't leave your sub unattended as they could be in subspace and seriously injure themselves.

So if the Dom has to use the toilet afterwards he is normally expected to ask a friend to watch them.

"NOT EVERYBODY NEEDS OR WANTS "AFTERCARE". "

I think that what the Op said is a clear way for a sub to get seriously hurt and god forbid die. I think this section should be taken offf and here's why!

2 and a half years ago after a session with my Master at Nimhneach,
I suddenly felt like I wanted to go and dance on the dancefloor at Nimhneach.
My master told me that time that I needed a bit of aftercare an if I was ok after 15 min.s,
then I could get up and Dance.

So I said ok and after a few mouthfuls of Coke,
I fell asleep on my masters shoulder.
This was from the fact that I was knackered and I woke up about half an hour later and I felt grand as
I looked at my Dom I asked why he didn't wake me and he said
"You looked very happy to get some sleep and being snuggled up beside
especially when I turned you on your side and had you sleep on my side, I felt very close to you, I like that bonding time."

So after a few minutes I went to go dancing on the stage when I saw part of the stage empty of people
I started to walk over and saw the glass!
I was completly amazed that nothing had been done about the broken beer bottle.

It looked like there were pieces all over the place I immediatly ran to the bar and
told the next bar man that came over to me about the amount of broken glass and beer on the floor!
I was given an orange cone to put the with two pieces of tape to attch to the two pillars their
to prevent anyone slipping or standing accidently on the glass.

When I asked a friend had she seen how long it had been there for she said about 35/40 minutes.
She thought like everyone else that someone was bound to go up and tell someone at the bar!
Then when I went back and told my Master about what was happening on the dance floor.
he said now arent you happy I gave you aftercare and didn't let you on that stage.
You could have been terribly hurt!
Well done you for having gone and told some!

Accidents can always happen but as long as you've looked after your sub well,
after care is something everyone should do!
Listen to what I just told all of you or would you have liked to end up going to hospital
with a leg that was torn up from a broken beer bottle?




MarcEsadrian -> RE: Interesting take on aftercare (5/21/2011 10:19:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
The emotional well being of the bottom is his or her own responsibility.


I agree strongly with your ending conclusion, though I wouldn't just relegate that wisdom to bottoms; it ultimately applies to all who serve—or rule, for that matter.



uncertainlyizzy -> RE: Interesting take on aftercare (5/21/2011 10:49:28 AM)

We don't play in public...yet. But part of aftercare for me is not letting me be totally stupid. I'm like a drunk afterwards. I'll follow anyone anywhere and do almost anything asked of me because I'm just feeling so good and I'm so suggestible. It's gotten me in trouble with people who took advantage of that and pushed me past what we agreed upon in the beginning because they saw the opportunity to get what they wanted when I was vulnerable. To me aftercare is simply being able to trust you'll be safe sitting there giggling to yourself and someone will be looking out for you when you're a little wonky.



LadyPact -> RE: Interesting take on aftercare (5/21/2011 11:00:12 AM)

Quite a bit to chew on from the original.  Thanks for re-posting it.  A few ramblings.

I have a strong preference for negotiating aftercare at the same time the play is being negotiated.  I don't have a problem with people who say that they need aftercare or want specific things.  I'm the same way if they don't want any, or even if they prefer their aftercare to be time spent with their own Dominant.  When I top, I'm pretty flexible, but I'm not a mind reader.  My personal preference these days, if we're playing hard, I probably want to make sure you've got water in you, but I'd really like to get out of that stuffy room, have a cigarette, and maybe just talk and hug for a bit.  That's My real 'let go' time.  I can ride My own wave of endorphins when I'm not concentrating on the actual play.  It's fun for Me to feel that way, too.



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