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littlesarbonn -> Why submission? (another short article) (5/12/2006 9:38:11 AM)
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Why Submission?
There are times when I find myself wondering why it is I became a submissive. There are even more times when I find myself wondering why it is I became a slave. Then there are even more times when I wonder how I could have ever thought of being anything but one or the other.
To put it simply, I've spent most of my life moving towards this type of relationship where I am owned by a woman whom I love very much. For years, I explored the ideas of S&M where I thought that the kinky aspect of it was the end all of everything I was looking for. I submitted to a good deal of woman before I finally figured out that just submitting meant very little to me if there wasn't someone to whom I was submitting who could use that submission in a way that would make me better for it in the long run.
Someone asked me recently if I could expand upon one of my statements when I mentioned that I was pretty much introduced to the concepts of servitude while attending the US Military Academy at West Point. At that time, I was a young man who was intending to serve his country and had miniscule thoughts of ever wanting to serve a woman in a D/s capacity. But as the forces of dominance are known to act, my cadet basic training squad leader (the person who pretty much controlled my entire life that first summer) was a woman who liked the idea that her position offered her a lot of power. As much as I would like to say that I started off as a star cadet, I couldn't be any further from the truth if I stated such. I was a pretty good mess up at the discipline thing and I seemed to get a perverse pleasure out of goofing off and getting in trouble when I should have been learning to follow orders and do the "cadet" thing. But I was a bit of a rebel, being from California and all (we automatically got a reputation from being from there, and my attitude probably didn't help any), so I was always getting into trouble with my squad leader, and I think she took a sinister pleasure in being the one who had to punish me, although it was almost always mentally because physical punishment was disallowed at this time in the Academy unless someone could really get away with it. I've given this situation a lot of thought, and I do remember she often spared me from a lot of punishments that could have been very disastrous to my natural state of affairs, and I can only assume that she did this because she either liked me, or she liked to make sure that I was still around so that she could harass me even further.
When I used to have to report to her room, a lot of the times she wasn't even there, so her two roomates took great pleasure in harrassing me until she did return, already used to seeing me all of the time. There was this box that was kept in my squad leader's room that she kept underneath her desk, and it was a punishment to be placed in it for lengths of time, and it was only recently that I actually focused on the feelings I used to have when placed in there, because I truly believed that they understood that I was feeling something strange, and I have to believe that they were feeling it as well.
Unfortunately, at the time, I didn't understand what these feelings were, so I didn't get a chance to really enjoy that experience as I would enjoy it today if it were ever to happen again. For years, when I remembered West Point, I remembered that I learned discipline there (yes, I eventually did go the straight and narrow, although I still took great pleasure in solving problems the unofficial way rather than going through channels and practically made a career of it), but I rarely focused on the fact that I had learned something new, something I would not appreciate until many years later.
I've spent a number of years experimenting and exploring this thing called D&S, and it was only in the last couple of years that I gained a true understanding behind what it was I was really looking for. At one point, I realized that I wanted to be controlled, to live my life for another and to experience the feelings that such control would bring forth. Believe this when I always assumed that such control was something I would never achieve, and if I ever achieved the experience of such control, I always assumed that I would run screaming the other direction, meeting my intolerance point that I would not be able to surpass. But as I experienced more and more of this, falling deeper and deeper into the reality of a total lifestyle submission, I found myself wanting more and more of it until I began to suspect that I would want nothing but a life that was no longer my own. And yet, I kept saying to myself, if I ever reached such a point, it would be too much for me, and I would have to turn my back on this and the lifestyle I had grown so much to love. I truly believed that once I reached that point, I would forsake everything about the lifestyle because I would realize that the goal of my life is not what I dreamed it would be, and therefore, everything I have sought would have been for nothing. But that's a problem to be worried about when you're nowhere near fulfilling what is basically your ultimate fantasy.
I have learned through this journey that sometimes you run into stumbling blocks that make it seem impossible to reach the next step down the submissive ladder, and sometimes, you find yourself climbing back up because the journey down doesn't look as promising as it did only a short time ago. I think what I have often forgotten about such journeys is that I have not embarked on them alone, and it is because of one's guide that a submissive can be helped to find that inner demon within is worthy of unleashing if one is willing to let it live long enough to breathe.
I have taken numerous journeys in my past, and this has been the one journey to which I have both dreamed of and feared at the same time as well. Several years ago, I never would have imagined that I would be at the state I am today; several years ago, I never would have even tried to pursue that which I have experienced to this day. By the same token, I often wonder where I will be several years from now as I experience more of being a submissive, a slave, in a world that just keeps taking more and more control over my very essence. Right now, I can't imagine where I would be. Several years from now, I may look back and wonder how I could have imagined anything less.
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